Surviving

by Ahren Sanders

  “What?”

  “Just not a phrase I thought would come out of your mouth.”

  “I must have said it wrong then because it sounds much more badass in the books I’ve been reading.”

  I raise my eyebrows, but he shrugs.

  “Well, my thoughts are pretty confused right now. I’m still in disbelief I’m here with you in Atlanta and not on a plane home to Nashville. I’m also trying to figure out where to start our conversation.”

  “Rave, I feel the strain. I don’t want any strain. I want us to enjoy this night together. I have so much to tell you and I need you to listen to me.”

  “I have some things to tell you, too.”

  “Let’s start with dinner.”

  I’m not even sure what time it is, but I know it has been at least ten hours since I have eaten. My stomach growls right then. “That sounds good, but I need a quick shower. I’m gross.”

  I open the suitcase he packed and noticed he brought clothes I left at his house. He brought his favorite things, including the black nightie with lace I wore our last night together. I look at him and he smiles.

  I walk to the bathroom, and he calls after me. “Need any help?”

  “Maybe later, I think I need a few minutes alone.” I shut the door and notice he’s lost his smile.

  Declan

  Not quite the homecoming I was hoping for, but I’ll take it. I knew she would be surprised to see me but I had hope she would have a little more enthusiasm. As soon as I saw her, I felt whole again. The black void in my heart started to fill in. Just the sight of her made my heart race and my palms sweat.

  My persistence finally paid off last week when I caught Jenna in a good mood. I made weekly calls to her to check on Raven since our communication was so scarce, and when I told her my plan, she was hesitant at first but finally agreed. She may not like to admit it, but I learned Jenna was a romantic at heart. James took some convincing, but he finally agreed. I think he was trying to ignore the fact that two men were vying for the affection of his daughter.

  I’m not stupid; I can tell Raven needs to share things with me about her trip with Finn and their time together. But I’ve already decided nothing matters. As long as she takes me back, I will forgive and forget anything. I pushed her away, and she left confused and hurt. I’m the one who did this so if it takes a little humility on my part, I’m okay with that.

  The shower turns off, and I finish dressing. I want to knock and go in to shave but I’ll give her space. Tonight is about showing her I can respect any boundaries she has put up. If I wasn’t such a blind asshole, our reunion would be taking place in the massive king size bed, but I won’t push her tonight.

  The door opens, and Raven walks out looking astonishing. I pat myself on the back for remembering the blue sundress. It shows all her curves and exposes a lot of skin. Her dark hair falls longer down her back, and I have to adjust myself in my pants.

  When she looks at me, he eyes grow and I know she likes what she sees.

  “Dec, you look different. Besides the beard, what’s changed?”

  I square my shoulders with pride. “Well, after Ryan talked me away from the bottle a night habit I started, he replaced it with exercise. For the last four weeks, he’s kicked my ass into shape with every exercise we could get into.”

  Her eyes glaze over with tears, and she looks away. I reach out to her, but she holds out her arm to stop me. “I’m so sorry, the guilt is unbearable. I thought I was doing the right thing, and I was so hurt I didn’t think about how my leaving would affect you.”

  I ignore her arm and pull her into me. Her familiar fragrance hits me right away. I hold her until I think she’s calmed down and then lift her chin up to look at her face.

  “Tonight is about us Raven. I need to tell you some things. And I know you need to talk to me too.”

  Her face looks surprised then she understands, “You know, don’t you?”

  “Yeah, babe, I know. I’ve known for about six weeks now.”

  She pulls back and picks up her purse. I close my hand around hers and lead us out the door.

  The elevator ride was silent, but she held onto my hand tightly. I made reservations in one of the hotel restaurants and asked for a private table. We were led to a little corner where no one could hear us.

  I order a bottle of wine and the waiter told us the nightly specials. After looking at our menus for a few minutes, we order our meals. I lay my hand on top of hers and raise my glass in a toast.

  “To the most beautiful girl in my world coming home. I missed you more than words can say”

  She grins and clinks her glass to mine.

  “I guess I need to start. I need to apologize again. In order to tell you the whole story, I need to go back to Bonnaroo. Is that okay?”

  She nods her head and moves closer.

  “Once again, I should have talked to you first but I made a decision before the festival about us. I decided to say ‘fuck it’ to the marketing team’s advice and not deny our relationship. I told the guys I wasn’t going to put you or me through that, and the best I could do was to evade any personal questions until I felt comfortable. This was two-fold. I needed to talk to you and see if you would come with me this summer and let our relationship speak for itself, and then I needed to get protection.” I take a drink and watch her expression change from indifferent to sad.

  “Oh my God, I’m such an idiot.”

  “No baby you’re not. Let me finish. So after our set and that disastrous interview, I became acquainted with Mike Jacobs, but to me he was some tool hitting on you during our performance. So naturally I wanted to kill him until Jay explained who he was and then Mike explained he was a family friend. After we discussed a few things, we found out he fired his marketing rep because she didn’t share his vision. His vision is to have true talent and performance style. He doesn’t care who’s in my bed a night as long as I’m a true performer. He’s one of the few out there looking at the talent and the fact the band members don’t end up in jail or rehab. Seriously Rave, this guys all about the music and the right way to pave success. He’s small, but he’s got some big names coming to him. He signed Knight’s Dream in June, and they have an album in production now. Plans to release the title track are set for Labor Day.”

  “He was always very ambitious. He comes from a good family that believed in hard work and faith. He was more Robbie’s friend than mine, but I still knew him pretty well. I’m glad at least Jay did that right by getting in touch with his label.”

  I hear the sting in her voice when she mentions Jay but now is not the time to defend him. So I go on, “I agree with you. We did the first two weeks of performances and then Mike came to North Carolina to see us. We made a deal with him, and he agreed to represent us personally for a while. He’s not handing us off to any junior exec. When I sent you those messages from Charleston, we were in the studio recording. He’s still working on the music, but should have something for us to hear in a few days.”

  “That’s amazing! I knew you could do it! How’d it feel?” She lights up for the first time since I met her off that plane. I can’t help the pride that swells in me. She really does know me better than anyone else.

  Our food arrives, and the waiter refills our glasses. I drop my fork when she moans.

  “Oh my God, this is the best steak I’ve ever had. You have to try it.” She cuts me a piece and reaches over for me to taste.

  I don’t care if it tastes like cardboard; I want to hear her moan again. Her reaction makes me hard instantly and for the third time since she got off the plane I have to adjust myself.

  She must realize what happened because she blushes and goes back to eating.

  “Don’t you dare get embarrassed. That sound is what I dream of at night. If I can hear that on replay all day, it wouldn’t be enough.”

  “I guess I got a little carried away. The food in Paris was great, but nothing compared to this.”

  “T
ell me about Paris. I want to hear it all.”

  “No, finish your story, what’s next? How did the summer tour go?”

  “We have all day in the car tomorrow to talk about the tour. When Sayge meets with Mike, we’ll know more about what’s next. The Steamroom wants us back for at least one night a week, but we can’t commit until we talk to Mike and see what the best route is. I’m not sure we’re ready to go on tour again, but I think Ryan wants us to do a few shows with him this fall. We made some good money this summer so we can afford to take some time off, and I wrote some good stuff to start working on the music.”

  “That’s awesome you were able to write with the busy schedule.” She looks at me hopeful.

  I can’t lie to her, so I try to change the subject. “Your turn, tell me about Paris.”

  She looks apprehensive but then looks me straight in the eyes. “Let me start before Bonnaroo. When I knew you made up your mind about the summer, I called my dad and asked for a job. He was suspicious and finally wore me down into telling him the situation. He told me about his friend that always needed summer help in France, and I begged him to get me an interview. After a phone call and a Skype interview, I was offered the position. I wanted to tell you so many times, but it never seemed right. You were so busy, and I was so hurt, I waited, but the right time never came. I’m so sorry I left after your performance and didn’t tell you.”

  “I understand.”

  “You do? Don’t you hate me? I ran. I gave up on us. I didn’t fight hard enough.” Her voice cracks and I pull her chair as close to mine as possible. Then I pick her up and put her in my lap.

  “Shhh, I could never hate you. Rave, I’m the one who should be sorry. I was mad at first, but that was basically the hurt. You tried to tell me time and time again how you felt. You lived in agony for weeks preparing for me to leave, and I was too blind to see it. You didn’t give up; you gave in. You gave me freedom, to make my dreams come true, and I was stupid enough to let you think you weren’t a part of those dreams. But it’s over. You’ll never have to doubt me again. You ran because of me, and I spent the last eight weeks licking my wounds. I deserved the misery and emptiness. It brought a new light into my life. Nothing like this will ever happen again.”

  “Dec, how can you be so sure? When you meet with Mike, things may escalate. He seems really good at his job. I have another year until I graduate. Who knows what comes next?”

  “Mike is really good at his job and he also knows where I stand. So does everyone else. When you were gone, I realized I can’t live without you. You make me a better man.”

  “I’m not good enough for you, Declan. My insecurities have surfaced. Sayge’s popularity is rising, and I won’t hold you back.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me. You’re not good enough for me? You’re the best thing that’s happened to me. Because of you, I became the man that leads a band MJ Labels wants to sign. I’m not going anywhere without you. If you’re not beside me in all this, I’ll pull back.”

  “Don’t you dare! You can’t give up your dream and let the other guys down because of me.”

  “Raven, why can’t I have both? Why can’t you stand beside me as my partner and I try to make this a success? Have you given up on us all together?”

  She doesn’t say anything but lays her head on my shoulder. I run my hands along her arms and feel the goose bumps in the trail. There’s a sting of relief I still affect her this way.

  “Yes, you can have it all, but I think we need to talk before you decide if you want me beside you at all.”

  There it is. She wants to talk about Finn. I decided a while ago I didn’t want to know.

  “Nothing to talk about. I’ve known for six weeks there was a better man after you. I hoped and prayed you would come back to me. When he called today he told me you were on your way, and it was my chance to make it right or he was coming for you. I didn’t ask questions; I didn’t scream, all I did was put my plan into place. I already had your mom’s blessing, but I didn’t know until he called you would be getting off that plane alone. I was fully prepared to grovel.”

  “Declan, there are things you should know.”

  “Nope, not tonight. I’ve finally got you back in my arms, and I plan to make a night of it. Tomorrow, the next day, hell–next month we can talk about him. But now, it’s only us. Unless you tell me I’ve lost you, I’m not talking about it anymore.”

  I hold my breath, waiting for her to respond. She moves her head to me and shakes her head. “You haven’t lost me. I’m not sure I could ever let you go.”

  “Thank fucking Christ!” I motion to the waiter for our check and hand him my card. When we’re done with the bill, I lift Raven off my lap and lead her back to the elevators. My phone pings with a message but I ignore it. Unless someone has died or is crazy sick, I don’t plan to share this night with anyone.

  She looks so sexy and beautiful when we get in the elevator. It’s all I can do to keep my hands to myself. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, and another couple joins us. They smile at us, and the girl screams as she looks at me.

  “Oh my God! You’re Declan Collins! You’re from Sayge!” Her boyfriend looks uncomfortable.

  I nod my head but don’t move from Raven. She starts laughing.

  “Yes, he is. I guess he chose tonight to be shy.” She elbows me hard in the ribs.

  “We love your music! We saw you last month in Charleston and in Atlanta. This is so cool! “

  “Thanks for coming to the shows. Our fans are the best.”

  “What brings you to Atlanta? Do you have another show? Oh gosh, are the rest of the guys with you?”

  This is a nosy bitch. I’ve been accosted by fans before but never in this proximity and definitely not with Raven. I hold her tighter.

  “No, we’re not here for a show. My girl just got back from Europe, so I picked her up.”

  Raven sank into me further, and the elevator finally dinged at their floor.

  Miss Nosy’s boyfriend grabbed her arm to help her off but stopped and gave me a grin. “We really are big fans. Enjoy your night.”

  The doors shut and Raven bursts out laughing. “Could that girl have been more in your business? I bet she would have jumped on you if I wasn’t here.”

  I laugh too because it feels so good to have her in my arms again. I lead her to our room and stop before I open the door.

  “Sparkle, I love you. Before we go in this room, I want you to know, I will always love you.” She smiles at me, and my heart skips a beat. Then I open the door and motion for her to enter.

  She gasps and I grin to myself.

  Our room is glowing in candlelight. In the small sitting area there, is a chilled bottle of champagne and two flutes. She takes it all in and turns to me with a smile on her face.

  “You did this for me?”

  “I did.”

  “I don’t understand how you can be so loving to me after everything that happened this summer.”

  There it is again. I know she’s thinking about her time with Finn. “Raven, I meant what I said earlier. I’m not ready to talk about him yet. I want this night to be about us reuniting. There are so many things we need to tell each other, but we can’t fit it all in tonight.”

  “You’re right, I’m sorry.”

  “And that’s the last one–no more apologies. We’ve both apologized enough. I know you’re sorry, and I hope to God you know I am too.”

  She nods her head.

  “Okay, let’s get some champagne, and you tell me about Paris.”

  “That sounds like a great idea.” She takes off her shoes and sits on the small sofa waiting on me to fill our flutes.

  I’m thankful we have the small furniture. Because of my size, I have to sit her on my lap for both of us to spread out comfortably. She doesn’t protest but snuggles across me and sips her champagne.

  “Where should I start? What do you want to hear first? My job, my boss, the sightseeing adventures?�
�

  “Start from the beginning and tell me as much as possible.”

  She gives me the smile I will never tire of seeing and launches into her trip. After an hour, I’m relaxed and comfortable for the first time since she left. She yawns and I realize she has been up for close to twenty-four hours.

  “Baby, let’s get ready for bed. You’re exhausted.”

  “I guess I am. I didn’t realize it, but I have been up almost an entire day. I wanted to push the limits so I could get back on our time. And I bet I’ve bored you to death with my rambling.”

  “Raven, never. Hearing all this makes me happy. I wanted to know what you were doing every second you were away from me. I stopped calling and texting every day to give you your space, but I never stopped wondering.”

  She doesn’t say anything but goes to our suitcase to grab her nightie and then to the bathroom.

  I get ready for bed quickly wondering if I should shave before we go to sleep. I want to kiss every inch of her body but don’t want to leave marks. The hotel service has already pulled back the bed for us and placed bottled water on the bedside tables, so I fidget waiting for her to get out of the bathroom.

  When she opens the door and walks out my heart drops to the floor. There are no words to describe her. I’m at a loss for breath watching her get into bed.

  I can’t stand it anymore; I hop on the bed and crawl up her body until our faces are inches apart. We’re breathing the same air, and I smell the fresh mint from her toothpaste.

  “You are so fucking sexy. If I don’t kiss you, I may literally die.”

  She looks apprehensive but sticks out her tongue to lick her lower lip. Since we are so close, she grazes my lip ring. Her eyes grow wide, and I see the desire reflecting back at me. I take her mouth slow at first kissing every inch of her lips and then our tongues meet. I prop on my elbows and grab her neck with my hands. She starts to pull back, but I hold tighter and she slides her arms between us and hugs me close. Her legs wrap around my waist, and I can feel her heat through my shorts. I need to feel her closer, so I lift us up to where I’m leaning back on my calves, and she’s completely wrapped around me. I run my hands up and down the slick fabric of the satin, and she whimpers against my mouth. This is not just a homecoming kiss; this is a kiss declaring apology, regret, acceptance, and forgiveness. I only pull back because I’m scared I’m going to suffocate her.