Bleeding Like Me

by Riley Parks

  “I’m not trying to fuck with guys anyway,” Evan stated simply. “You can keep that gay shit. Open your ass wide all you want.”

  “Better watch your fucking mouth,” Jackson jumped in, narrowing his eyes in warning as he crossed his arm over his friend’s chest to hold him back. Jack huffed when the redhead held out the plate again, completely ignoring the irritation he’d caused in both men.

  Jackson grabbed it and put it on his tray. “Probably poisoned this shit or something,” he told Cecil. “Let’s give them to Larry’s celly and see if he fucking dies.” Cecil nodded and glared at Evan one last time before heading to the table.

  As discreetly as possible, Jackson slipped the small folded paper he’d felt under the plate into his pocket and kept it there until he could read it privately.

  When he was alone in his cell later that day, he pulled out the note, smoothed it out, and smiled at the drawing of a koala holding a little flag that said “Hi.”

  He’d never turn down any of the disgusting prison slop again.

  X

  September

  By far, Thursdays were Evan’s favorite day of the week. On Thursdays he got to kiss his boyfriend. Without exception, he made sure to be in his cell at 10:00 a.m. every Thursday morning. Jackson usually didn’t get to his room until around 10:45, but Evan was there at the top of the hour in case Jackson’s rounds got messed up in any way. Evan would do his best to get his cellmate, Luther, to fuck off. Most of the time he was successful, but sometimes he wasn’t. On those Thursdays, Jackson would show up and look like he’d been punched in the gut at the sight of Luther, perfectly illuminating Evan’s feelings on the matter. Luckily, of the forty-eight Thursdays that had passed since Evan arrived at MCC, they’d made out for forty-five.

  “Luther,” Evan began as his cellmate perused his GED book, “can you go try to educate your dumb ass in the library for a while?”

  “Fuck you, prick,” Luther grunted without malice, completely used to Evan’s delivery after living with him for eleven months.

  “Seriously, I’m horny as a motherfucker. I got to jerk my cock. I mean, you can always stay in here if you want to watch. I’ll give you a good show, but I’d really rather you fucked off.”

  The other man sighed and shook his head. “Why can’t you just do it in the shower like the rest of us? I don’t like being displaced.”

  “Ooo, using those new vocab words, man. I see you,” Evan teased with a smirk. “C’mon. I don’t ask for much.”

  “You ask for a lot actually,” Luther informed him. “Always asking me for my Takis or gum.”

  “Speaking of gum, you got any?”

  “Fuck, you’re annoying as shit, Goodwyn,” he groused. “If I don’t give it to you, you’re just going to take it when I leave.”

  Evan smiled as his cellmate tossed him a stick of Double Mint that was lying on his desk before taking his book and ambling out of the room.

  As he always did, Evan chewed his gum and paced the small cell, waiting for Jackson to show up. Never had Evan anticipated anything as much as he did those two-minute meetings. His head spun for days afterward as he remembered the feel of puffy lips against his and fingers clawing at his body. The passion between them had never waned, but having each other in such small doses caused the intensity to be even greater than it had been.

  As soon as he heard the door handle turn, he was on him, hunching over slightly to meet his lips and grasping onto the fleshy mounds of his ass as they kissed hungrily.

  “I love you,” Evan whispered between kisses as he kneaded his boyfriend’s ass cheeks hard, hating the way the fabric prevented him from feeling his skin.

  “Love you too,” Jackson promised, dropping his hand down to stroke Evan’s hard-on over his jumpsuit.

  “Hang on,” the redhead said, quickly unbuttoning his garment, so he could pull his already straining cock out. “C’mon. Let me see yours.”

  “Don’t got time. Won’t get done with my rounds by 11:30 and then Big John will put me on fucking washer duty instead,” Jackson reminded him, licking his lips wantonly at the sight of Evan’s dick standing so proudly between them. “Say ‘good-bye’ to Thursdays.”

  “I’m practically there already,” Evan assured him as he licked and sucked on Jackson’s neck, careful not to leave a mark. “You could put your fucking hand on it and I’ll fucking blow.” To prove his urgency, he wrapped his fingers around Jackson’s wrist and brought his hand to his cock, letting out a deep groan as soon as Jackson touched him.

  “All right, yeah, all right. Hold on,” Jackson relented. He scrambled to undo his uniform and yanked his dick out, gasping when Evan immediately dropped to his knees and took him into his mouth. It took an estimated four bobs on his dick to have Jackson shooting his load down Evan’s throat with a breathy groan.

  “Mmm,” Evan moaned, closing his eyes to savor his boyfriend’s taste. “Fucking missed this.” By the time he’d opened his eyes again, Jackson had already tucked himself back in, his cheeks flushed red. “Bet I go quicker.”

  “That was two fucking seconds,” Jackson laughed as he got down on his knees. “Goddamn. Dream of this motherfucker splitting me in half every night,” he crooned as he swirled his tongue around the head of Evan’s cock. Jack smirked when Evan let out a broken whimper. One fat lick up the underside of the shaft and a trip down his throat had Evan’s legs shaking and his dick pouring out come.

  Evan was still panting through his orgasm when Jack rose to his feet and slotted his messy mouth to his. The kiss was salty, sloppy, and perfect. Evan felt looser and more sated than he had in months.

  “Can’t wait ‘til next week,” Jackson flirted, lifting up his eyebrows as he pulled away.

  “So fucking hot. You’re so fucking hot,” Evan groaned, grasping Jackson’s ass again. “Drive me crazy every time I see you.”

  “You’re the one that got your ass thrown in here for this torture,” Jackson reminded him with a grin.

  “Would go anywhere for this ass,” Evan stated as he laid a playful spank on Jackson’s behind. “Such a hot ass.”

  “All right, fuck off, Goodwyn.” He grinned as he shoved Evan back. “I’m already behind. Going to have to bust my ass to get done in time.”

  “Fuck, I wish I could bust that ass.”

  Jack shook his head and handed Evan his clean cot sheets. “Give me your dirty ones.”

  Evan scrambled to strip his bed. “Came all over them for you.”

  “Romantic.”

  “You know me,” Evan said with a smirk. He moved in close to Jackson again, this time resting his palm softly on his cheek and gazing into his eyes. “Love you.”

  “I love you.” Jackson pecked Evan’s lips, lingering a few seconds too long before pulling away.

  Evan watched as his boyfriend left the room, thinking that Thursday forty-nine was a game changer. Fifty-five more to go.

  38

  November

  Jackson had noticed that Evan had looked a little anxious that morning, but he wasn’t sure why until he opened the note Evan had slipped him with his eggs.

  J,

  I wanted to talk to you about this in person, but we’re too busy doing better things when we’re face-to-face. I also know that I’m asking you to make a big fucking decision and thought maybe you’d want to read it over instead of listening to me vomit it all out and then have to leave.

  I want you to come away with me. When we’ve served our time I want to leave this city. I want us to leave this city. Fuck gang bullshit, fuck visibility, and fuck Chicago. I know you have more keeping you here than I do. If you feel the need to stay, I’ll understand. I’ll stay too and we can live our lives the way we did before we got thrown in. But I can’t help think if we left, we could live them better.

  Until you, I never thought about the future. I existed from moment to moment. I want a future with you. I want all of that gay shit. I want to come home to you, go to bed with you, wake up with you. You.
I want you for life. I want a life with you.

  I feel like this is our chance. There’ll be a lag between when we’re released and when the affiliated boys will be able to get word back that we’re out. You got a month more than me, but you don’t have to worry; I know how to live on the streets, always have. Four weeks out there and I’ll come back for you. We’ll take a bus. Anywhere but here. Come away with me and I’ll never stop loving you, or don’t, and I’ll love you then too. You got me for as long as you want me and I hope it’s forever. I want you to know that it feels like forever to me.

  Anyway, it’s weird not doing drugs. I feel so much more than I have in years. I kinda hate it, to be honest, but it doesn’t mean that I think it’s worse. I hate a lot of things. It’s just different I guess. Either way, I feel lucid and confident that getting the fuck out of here is a good idea. I hope you do too.

  I love you.

  E

  P.S.: I’ve fucked up a ton of shit in my life. I could blame it on the coke but that would be bullshit. I’m probably just a dick. Thought you should know I’m not going to fuck shit up with you, in case you’re worried I will or whatever.

  Though he knew that a proposition of this sort was imminent, it didn’t surprise him any less. He wasn’t worried about the inherent promise that went along with running away together; he wasn’t even worried about the disloyalty to Dem Demonz, as his allegiance had long since shifted to Evan.

  Jackson was worried about Amy.

  He’d spent the majority of his life protecting her, so the thought of abandoning her didn’t sit well with him. He’d made sacrifices for her before and he wouldn’t hesitate to do it again.

  Yet, staying in Chicago and going back to the way things had been scared him. It didn’t seem like a stretch to think that it was only a matter of time until all the shit that had happened would happen again. Maybe Evan would revert back to old habits, cravings intensified by streets he only remembered through bleary eyes. They’d no doubt get caught again and this time perhaps they’d be on the other side of the bullet. Dark thoughts of death permeated Jack’s brain; having to bury Evan and not being able to show at the funeral, having to say good-bye to the love of his life while not being able to speak.

  Jackson knew what he wanted to do, what he had to do, but he needed to speak with his sister. He needed her to tell him that it was all right, that she’d be okay without him.

  Two days later Jackson started his visit with Amy with, “I got to talk to you about something.” He rubbed his fingertips over his eyebrows as he sat across the glass from his sister.

  “Sounds serious.” She frowned, shifting in the metal seat. “Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s…uh, he wants to leave after we’re released. Get out of Chicago.”

  “For a while or, like, for good?”

  “For good. Wants to be done with all the shit, you know. Start over, I guess.” Jackson cleared his throat uncomfortably.

  “And what do you want?”

  Jackson’s eyes darted to the side to ensure that the guy next to him wasn’t listening and dropped his voice low. “Him.”

  “For good?” she asked, a small grin gracing her painted lips.

  He nodded and gnawed on the inside of his cheek.

  “Where are you guys going to go? Better be far away. Like airplane far. They’re never going to get on airplane to look for you,” she whispered, “but they sure as shit will get in a car.”

  “I know. Just not sure if I’m going to do it.”

  “Do what? Move?” she questioned, her confusion apparent on her face. “You said it’s what you want.”

  “Don’t want to leave you here.”

  She sighed. “Haven’t you suffered enough for me, Jack? Seriously. You got wrapped up in all this shit in the first place because of me.”

  Jackson scoffed and shook his head. “Ain’t a fucking victim, Ames. Not going to act like I don’t like banging.”

  “But you like him more,” she stated with a smirk.

  He hushed her, eyes darting around the room nervously.

  “I want you to go. I’m fine here, Jackson. I have a life, a boyfriend, friends. I’m strong. Because of you I’m strong. You deserve to have a life, too. A life that you want,” she urged, blue eyes the same color as his. “I want that for you.”

  Jackson nodded, not sure what to say in response.

  “Do you know where you’re going to go? Have you talked about it?” she asked, straightening out her bangs.

  “We haven’t discussed…I mean, I haven’t even told him that’ll I’ll do it.”

  “He’ll be really happy when you do.” She smiled at Jackson, who grinned back.

  “He will be,” he confirmed. “We’ll probably need your help with some of the logistics, moving my money or whatever.”

  “I got you. Whatever you need.” She nodded. She stared at him for a moment, her face awash with an emotion that Jackson didn’t immediately recognize. “I’m proud of you,” she whispered. “Being with who you want to be with, going where you want to go. It’s awesome.”

  “All right, enough of this pussy shit. Can’t fucking it take any more,” he groused, but the smile that was still on his lips had to give him away.

  She tapped her fingers on the glass and gave him a smirk.

  X

  January

  “Happy New Year,” Evan crooned, pressing his lips against Jackson’s and grunting when his boyfriend pushed him against the wall of his cell to go at him more fervently.

  “Happy New Year, baby,” Jack replied, fanning his fingers out as he grasped the cradle of Evan’s head and slipped wild tongue into his mouth.

  “Eleven more months.”

  Jackson nodded. “You still looking up places?”

  “Yeah, whenever I have library privileges. Got it narrowed down to towns in California, Arizona, and Colorado.”

  “They all got a good art scene?”

  Evan nuzzled his nose against Jackson’s and pecked his lips. “They do.” He wondered how he got so lucky. He’d spent his whole life fucking up, but somehow things were finally coming together. He was overcome with gratitude. The emotion that had once been so foreign to him now surged through him at the most unexpected times.

  “Going to pimp your shit out,” Jackson teased as Evan nibbled and tugged at Jack’s lower lip. “Fucking talented bastard.”

  Evan smiled into the subsequent kisses, thinking that he finally knew what it felt like to have someone believe in him.

  It made him believe in himself.

  X

  April

  Jackson was aggravated when the bathrooms in C block were closed for maintenance. It was inconvenient to have to trek to D and the lines were incredibly long. The only bright spot was the fact that the COs had to loosen up shower time restrictions in order to ensure that every inmate had the opportunity to get clean. This meant, for two days, the D block bathroom was open all night.

  It was a little after 11:00 p.m. when he passed Evan’s door and glanced in. To his surprise his boyfriend was sitting up on his bed working on something in a notebook. They locked eyes for a moment and a sudden rush of energy coursed through Jackson’s veins.

  The bathroom was grosser than the one he typically used, but he didn’t really mind because it was also empty. He walked into the stall and turned the knobs to release a weak spitting of water from the showerhead. Hanging his towel on the hook, he climbed in and began to lather his body up with soap. He didn’t flinch when he felt arms wrap around the back of his waist and lips press against his shoulder. He knew those arms and lips as well as he knew his own. They didn’t exchange any words, both too busy holding their breath. When he felt a finger covered in Vaseline make its way past his ass cheeks and press against his hole, Jackson sighed, leaning his forehead against the cold concrete wall. As Evan hastily opened him, Jack bit his wrist to hold back his moans, his whole body shaking from the pressure. He was tight. He knew that there was no
way they had enough time for him to be prepped well enough. He grimaced and swallowed his cry when he felt his boyfriend’s big dick inching inside of him, feeling like it was splitting him in half.

  Evan went slow, given the circumstances, and tickled his fingers up and down Jackson’s back while rolling his hips. Little moans escaped Evan’s lips, causing Jackson to push past the pain to back up farther on him. His boyfriend took it as an invitation to grasp on to his hip bones and start thrusting harder. The warm water trickled over them as they fucked, bodies moving in the same rhythm, pleasured pants building. Random pangs of pain had Jackson dragging his hand down the stall, but he settled when he felt Evan’s hand press on top of it, fingers intertwining. A familiar stutter in the redhead’s breath caused Jack to drop his hand down to his dick and begin to pump it along with Evan’s beat. The came together, both strangling the noises that were dying to escape their lips. Wordlessly, Evan turned him around, pressed his palms to his cheeks, and placed a tender kiss on Jack’s lips.

  When he came back the next day, Jackson shook his head and they held each other instead, the rips and tears too bad to push past.

  Fuck prison.

  X

  October

  As soon as Jackson entered the cafeteria his heart dropped. He knew Evan would be gone, but it didn’t make it easier knowing. Jack went through the line and refused every item but an apple. Taking a seat at the same table he’d sat at for the past two years, he stared at the guy who was serving the hot meal and wished it was Evan.

  Four lonely Thursdays and he’d never be away from him again.

  39

  It wasn’t as though Evan hadn’t spent time outside during his sentence. He’d made use of the yard whenever he’d had privileges. It was that it felt different to be outdoors when he was beyond the prison fence. The air was crisper, the sky bluer; the sun brighter. Everything beyond those walls was more vibrant and alive, except him.

  Without Jackson, any light was dimmer, any happiness dulled.