Babymaker

by B. B. Hamel

  “I’m going to change that, though,” he says softly. “They got this on me, I’ll give them that. But I’m not going to stop. You get me, Avery? I’m not stopping.”

  “Okay,” I say softly, blinking into his luscious gaze.

  “Now tell me, what do you want?”

  I feel a shiver run down my spine, but I don’t respond. I stare into his eyes as he tips my chin up and slowly kisses me again.

  It’s gentle and it feels right. That feeling from before floods me again, like I’m coming home. It’s messed up and so incredible all at once. The kiss doesn’t last long before he slowly pulls away, leaving me lingering there, wanting another taste. I don’t want to run away this time. I just want to bask in him.

  “I want to see Max,” he says, turning back toward the bottle.

  “Okay,” I say.

  “Soon. This week.”

  “Okay,” I say again. “Give me a few days, okay?”

  “Thank you.” He smiles at me. “Come here.”

  I walk over to him, drifting across the linoleum like my legs control me. He pulls me tight against him by my waist and he kisses me again, my front leaning up against him.

  Suddenly there’s a noise. We pull apart, and it’s Luke’s uncle, spare key dangling from his finger, standing in the living room and looking in at us.

  “Oh, uh,” I stumble.

  He grins. “Hi, Avery,” he says. “Luke told me to stop by and check out the truck.” He hesitates a second. “I have keys.”

  “Good to see you, Mr. Harper,” I say. I barely know Luke’s uncle, I’ve met him only a few times, but I know he’s a nice enough man.

  “Call me Nick,” he says. He looks over at Luke. “Really fucked up the truck, huh?”

  Luke sighs. “Pretty bad.”

  “What happened?”

  “I’ll tell you about it later.” Luke glances in my direction and Nick seems to understand.

  “Okay then. I’ll get it towed back to the garage and we can figure it out in the morning.”

  “I appreciate it, Uncle Nick.”

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll just be docking your pay.” He grins a little. “Good to see you, Avery.”

  “I should go too,” I say quickly. “I have to get back to Max.”

  “Well. I’ll walk you out.”

  I hesitate a second and Luke smiles at me. “A few days,” he says.

  “Bye.” I walk over to Nick and we head out together.

  “You and Luke, you, uh…” Nick trails off, sounding uncomfortable.

  “No,” I say quickly. “I mean, I don’t know.”

  “Complicated,” Nick grumbles. “You damn kids these days, it’s always so complicated.”

  “Life’s always been complicated, right?”

  He nods a bit. “Guess so. I just feel bad for this kid.” He glances at me and quickly adds, “Not your fault of course.”

  “I know,” I say. “He’s been through a lot.”

  “That’s just the half of it. Kid didn’t have a great home life before getting thrown in jail. He’s trying to better himself, to drag himself out of the gutter my asshole brother made for him, and then he’s accused of a crime he didn’t commit. Damn fucking shame. And he’s a good kid too, smart, loyal, works hard. Better than most.”

  “I can’t agree more,” I say softly. We push out through the front doors and I drift over toward my car.

  Nick pauses and look at me. He’s a tired man, I can see that, but he’s clearly a good person. He cares about Luke and he’s helping him out a lot.

  “Listen Avery. I don’t know you, but I know one thing. The kid loves you. Just don’t hurt him, okay?”

  “I don’t want to hurt him,” I say honestly.

  “Good. I don’t know what this is all about,” he waves at the truck, “but just be careful.”

  “I will. And uh, Nick? Thanks for being good to him.”

  “He’s blood. It’s what family does. Now I just gotta clean up this fucking mess.” He grumbles and walks over toward Luke’s truck, inspecting it, and I can tell our conversation is over.

  I get back into my car and head out. I can still feel Luke’s kiss on my lips, and I hear Nick’s voice in my head.

  I don’t want to hurt Luke. He’s a good person, trying to better himself, but he’s been given a shit roll of the dice over and over again. He’s buried in shit, but he’s still fighting.

  I think most people would have given up by now, but not him. He’s standing tall and not giving in. And that’s part of what I admire in him, and it’s something I hope he passes on to our son.

  Now though, I have to figure out how the hell I’m going to introduce him to Max. One problem at a time, I guess.

  13

  Luke

  I stand in front of my broken ass truck staring at the loss of years.

  It’s hard to explain how I feel. I worked my ass off on this truck back when I was younger, before I went to prison. It took all of my time, all of my money, and all of my energy to restore. Seeing it again after prison as like getting a small piece of myself back.

  Standing here is like going to prison all over again. Well, no, that’s an exaggeration, but it’s still pretty fucking bad.

  I despise her brother and Franklin. I suspect they stole five years of my life, and now they’re trying to steal this.

  I’m not totally sure why. I get that I’m a Harper, and they hate Harpers. I get that I fucked his sister and got her pregnant, but it wasn’t like I was running out on her and leaving her alone. I loved her, and was all ready to spend my life with her back then. I would have done right by Avery and Max.

  This is about more than that. This is about rich versus poor, class versus trash. This is an economic story as old as time. The haves and the have-nots, all that fucking shit, and I bet that idiot asshole Thomas doesn’t even understand why he does the things he does. He’s a goddamn walking cliché.

  Uncle Nick comes out from behind the truck and wipes his hands down on a rag. “We can fix it,” he says after a beat.

  “You sure? Finding the parts is going to be hard enough without having to weld together a new axle.”

  “I don’t think it’ll come to that,” Uncle Nick says. “It’ll be hard, but I think it can be done.”

  I sigh and shake my head. “Maybe it’s better to let it go. Everything else from that time in my life is fucked beyond recognition. Why not this too?”

  He frowns at me. “It’s a truck, Luke. We fix trucks, it’s what we do.”

  I take a breath. “Yeah. You’re right.”

  “Good. We’ll start this weekend. Start trying to source some parts if you can in your spare time.”

  “I will.”

  “Good.” He walks over to the bench and tosses the rag down. He hesitates a second before looking at me sideways. “You with that Avery girl again?”

  I’m a little surprised to hear him ask. Uncle Nick doesn’t usually pry much about that sort of thing. I can tell he’s pretty uncomfortable.

  “It’s complicated,” I answer honestly.

  “I think that’s a bad idea, son.”

  I watch him for a second, trying to gauge how I want to respond. “I hear you,” I say finally. “But it’s not that simple.”

  “Look, I bet she’s a good person, but she can’t ever understand you. She comes from everything, money, power, all that shit. She’s a goddamn Seller, for fuck’s sake. Look, Luke, I know you still love her, and she might love you too, but you’re completely different people. I don’t want to see you get hurt all over again, all because of this girl.”

  “She’s the mother of my son,” I say softly. “And aren’t you the guy that once told me not to let names get in the way?”

  He frowns a bit. “I said that?”

  “You did,” I confirm. “Back when I was going to prison. You came to see me, and you said that.”

  “Damn. Guess I’m smarter than I seem.”

  “I’ll be careful, Uncle Nick
. I promise.”

  “I just don’t want to see you broken again, son. You hear me? That Avery girl, she might be a good person and maybe she loves you, but I think she’s dangerous.”

  I can’t exactly disagree with him. The memory of my truck hitting that light pole comes back to me, the crunch of steel, the spray of glass, the crack of my nose breaking. That was her damn brother. Maybe Avery herself isn’t dangerous, but getting involved with her definitely is.

  I could break something worse than my truck, something I can’t fix. I can feel myself risking it, slowly and surely, bit by tiny bit. Every time I see her, I need more. I want more so badly it almost hurts. I’m afraid of what I’ll do to get it, what I’ll sacrifice.

  Uncle Nick heads back into his office and I turn to take a look at the truck. But before I can, my phone starts ringing.

  I pick it up. “Hey,” I say.

  It’s Avery. “Hey, yourself. You busy?”

  “Not really. Just looking over the truck.”

  “How is it?”

  “Nick thinks we can salvage it, but I’m not so sure.”

  “Look, I feel awful about that. I know it’s Thomas’s fault. Can I help pay for it?”

  I laugh a little. “Not a chance.”

  “I didn’t think so. Well, I have another idea.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Want to come meet Max?”

  I’m surprised. I thought she wanted more time than this. “Definitely,” I say. “Now?”

  “Now,” she confirms. “My parents are out and Thomas is god knows where. It’s the perfect time.”

  “Okay,” I say. “Tell me where.”

  “Godwin Park. By the swings.”

  “I’ll be there in ten.”

  “And just so you know, I did tell him that you’re his dad, but I don’t think he understands.”

  “That’s okay,” I say. “It’s a process.”

  “Yeah. Well, okay. I’ll see you soon.”

  “See you.”

  I hang up the phone, nervous knots wringing my stomach. I poke my head into Uncle Nick’s office to let him know that I’m going out for an hour before getting into the shitty beat-up Japanese sedan Nick loaned me. He’s had it sitting around the shop for years, apparently some guy dropped it off and never picked it up, and I can see why. The thing barely runs, but hell, it’s better than nothing.

  I get to Godwin Park not long later. I’m nervous as hell as I walk toward the swings. I don’t see them yet, but I’m a little early. I sit down on a bench and take a deep breath.

  This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. I’m so fucking nervous it’s almost hard for me to breathe. I haven’t felt like this since the trial, when my life was hanging in the balance.

  I’ve been dreaming of meeting my child ever since I found out that Avery was pregnant. And now it’s finally happening, years later, way later than I wanted.

  I spot Avery and a little boy walking from the parking lot toward me. I take a deep breath and stand up, walking out to meet them. Avery smiles at me and I smile back, forcing the nerves away.

  The little boy looks like Avery, but I can see some resemblance to myself. He looks up at me, his eyes wide and completely unafraid. I kneel down in front of him.

  “Hi, Max,” I say. “I’m Luke.”

  He looks up at Avery and she nods at me. “That’s your dad. Go give him a hug.”

  It’s such a strange and simple moment, but I don’t know how else we’d do it. Max lets go of Avery’s hand, walks over to me tentatively, and gives me a little hug. For a second, I feel like I’m actually the boy’s father, and it feels so fucking good.

  He pulls away a second later. “Can I swing?” he asks, looking back at Avery.

  “Sure. Maybe Luke wants to push you?”

  “Definitely. Come on, Max. Let’s swing.”

  I walk over with him and I start out pushing him slowly. Avery smiles at me, standing nearby, leaning up against a pole.

  It’s such a simple thing, pushing a child on a swing. I don’t think I’ve done it since I was a kid myself, but this has so much significance for me. This is my son, my first time meeting him. Things seem like they’re going okay. He didn’t seem upset or strange or angry at me for not being around. I don’t know what Avery’s been telling him, but I don’t think it was anything negative.

  After swinging, we go play on the slide. He makes me slide down after him, which is comical, but I don’t care. I realize I’d do anything to make this kid happy.

  I follow him around the play structure for the next half hour. We do the monkey bars, or really I do them then hold him up so he can dangle a little. We play tag, and a game where he throws woodchips at me and laughs. Avery just watches from a bench most of the time, letting me have some time alone with Max.

  It’s awkward at first. I can’t pretend like it’s not. I don’t know how to be around a little kid. I’ve never had to learn. But as time wears on, I start to forget about all that, and just concentrate on enjoying my time with my son.

  Finally, Avery gets up and comes over to where Max is digging in the dirt, babbling on about creatures that live in the grass.

  “Max, honey, it’s time to head back,” she says.

  “No,” he says. “I play with Dad.”

  That makes me feel good. “Your mom says it’s time to go, bud. So we gotta get going.”

  He looks up at me. “No.”

  I look bewildered. “You gotta, bud.”

  “No!” he says. “I want to play!”

  “Nana will play with you when you get home,” Avery says.

  “No!” He gets up and stomps off toward the swings.

  Avery grins at me. “This is what being a parent is like most of the time. He’s just acting out because of you, though.”

  “He’s a nice kid,” I say.

  “Yeah. I like him.”

  I grin at her. “It’s really weird, you know?”

  “I can’t imagine,” she says. “He’s just a part of me now. I can’t imagine meeting him for the first time.”

  “How did he take it when you said he’d be meeting me?”

  “Didn’t bat an eye honestly,” she says. “Just took it in stride.”

  “Huh. Tough kid.”

  “Yeah.” She smiles again. “Just like his dad.”

  I grin at her. “Toughest kid around.” I sigh. “I’ll go get him.”

  I gather up Max, despite his protests, and I walk with him and Avery back to Avery’s car. We get Max into his car seat in the back and finally I lean up against the driver’s side door.

  “So what are you doing for the rest of the day?” Avery asks me.

  I shrug. “Probably going back to work on the truck.”

  “Want to, uh… grab some lunch?”

  I shrug. “Sure. Max too?”

  She shakes her head. “He needs to take his nap. My mom should be back home, so I can drop him off.”

  “She’ll be okay with you coming to eat with me?”

  “Hell, no. I’m going to lie.”

  I laugh. “Okay. Fair enough.” I hesitate a second. “When can I see him again?”

  “Next chance I get, I’ll call you.”

  “Okay.” I look in the back window. “Bye, Max.”

  “Bye,” he says, waving.

  I look up at Avery. “I’ll see you soon.”

  “Just follow me back home, but don’t come near the house. I’ll meet you at the corner.”

  “I love sneaking around.”

  She grins at me. “It’s exciting.”

  “I knew you’d like it.” I grin right back at her before heading back to my little crappy car.

  I follow her back to her house, not sure what I’m doing. I know I should head to the garage, but I can’t help myself. After spending time with Max, I suddenly feel even closer to Avery.

  I know Uncle Nick is right. Avery is probably dangerous. It’s bad for me and it’s bad for her. I’m sure her parents wil
l flip their shit if they know she’s seeing me. I don’t want her to risk anything just to see me.

  And yet I can’t help it. I’m not saying no. Because in the end, I need more of her. I can’t help myself. She’s there, pulling me back, over and over and over again.

  14

  Avery

  Once Max is inside and my mom knows she’s on duty, I head back out toward the front door.

  “Where are you going?” my mom asks me, following me out.

  “Going to grab some lunch,” I say quickly.

  “With whom?”

  “Friend from work.”

  She frowns a bit. “I didn’t know you had any.”

  “I don’t, but I’m trying to.”

  She watches me for a second before bringing her glass of gin to her lips. “Have fun,” she says. I hesitate, but I quickly get the hell out of there. Mom is always drinking, but she never lets herself drink too much around Max. I trust her to keep him safe at the very least, even if I don’t trust her for much more than that.

  I walk down the block as fast as I can before my mom can change her mind. I spot Luke standing outside of his beat-up old sedan, a little smile on his face.

  “What do you think?” he asks, gesturing at the car.

  “It’s beautiful. Much nicer than the truck.”

  He laughs a little. “It’s all my uncle had. I’m just grateful I have a car at all.”

  “Me too. I still feel guilty. And a little responsible.”

  “You’re not responsible.” His smile falls away as I stop near him. “Come on, get in.”

  I go around to the passenger’s side and he gets behind the wheel. We pull out, driving slowly through the neighborhood.

  “What did you think?” I ask him.

  “It was strange,” he says softly. “I mean, I don’t know him at all.”

  “Of course not.”

  “I don’t know what he likes or thinks is fun or whatever.”

  “He’s a kid,” I say, shrugging. “Honestly, they all sort of like the same things, more or less.”

  “That’s just it, I don’t know kids at all.”

  “You’ll learn, trust me. I didn’t know anything when he was born, either.”