Stars On Fire

by E. L. Todd

  “What do you dislike the most about space?”

  She’d asked another good question, a question that was based on my personal experience above the planet. Everyone else asked questions that could be easily answered with a Google page. “Gravity. The gravity is considerably less, and without that force pulling you down, life is much more complicated. It’s difficult to sleep because you’re constantly in a state of weightlessness. Your body atrophies after a month because those muscles aren’t being stressed enough. Your intestines float in your abdominal cavity. It’s a cool sensation in the beginning, but it gets old quickly.”

  “I guess it would be weird to live with no gravity…”

  “Well, there is gravity. It’s just a much smaller amount than what we feel on the surface of the earth. At any point throughout the universe, there is gravity at work, just at different degrees and from different masses.”

  She hung on every word like she was truly interested.

  “At the space station, you kind of just push things aside since there’re no desks to put anything on. So when I returned from one of my missions, I had lunch with a friend and threw my bottle of water over my shoulder because I was expecting it just to float.”

  She covered her mouth and started to laugh. “Oh my god, that’s so funny.”

  “I looked like I threw a temper tantrum, but then I explained I wasn’t used to gravity quite yet. People got a kick out of it.”

  “I can’t even imagine.”

  “Another time, I went to the grocery store and was unloading the back of the Range Rover. I picked up a bag and threw it behind me, thinking it would just float there until I was ready to move it. But then it collided with the concrete, the milk bursting open and running all the way to the gutter.”

  She kept laughing. “That’s so funny. If any of your neighbors were watching you, they probably thought you were crazy.”

  I liked watching her laugh. Her eyes crinkled and turned slightly wet from the exertion, and her smile was so wide, it was infectious. She was the happiest person I knew, a delicious stick of bubble gum with everlasting taste.

  Her laughs died away, and she wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes. “I’m going to have to tell Kyle that story.”

  The mention of her friend immediately made me uneasy. The guy was tall and handsome, the strong and silent type that women liked. With blond hair and blue eyes, he was easy on the eyes, making him a magnet for women. I didn’t spend much time checking out dudes, but I thought it was interesting that Charlotte spent so much time with a good-looking guy if she wasn’t sleeping with him.

  Was she sleeping with him?

  I could never ask her. She wouldn’t ask me if Laura was still in my life. “How long have you guys known each other?”

  “Kyle and I met at the lab about…four years ago. We work the same shifts, so we always have lunch together.”

  So she knew him when she was married. Did her husband have a problem with their friendship? I knew Kyle wasn’t gay, so there was no way he didn’t find Charlotte as attractive as I did. If he worked with her forty hours a week, he must fall under her charm like everyone else. Maybe he’d already tried to make something happen but she turned him down.

  “He’s my Hyde, I guess.” Completely oblivious to my slight jealousy, she kept smiling like everything was fine. “Do you have any other good friends besides Hyde?”

  “Not really, unless I count Vic.”

  “You two seem close.”

  I shrugged. “It’s hard to stay close when I’m gone all the time.”

  “Well, he loves you so much. When you were landing on your last mission, he was a wreck.”

  I understood how much my family loved me, how upset they were every time I launched, and how relieved they were every time I came home. They always hoped that my last mission would be my final one…and then were devastated when it wasn’t. “I feel bad for upsetting them, but I can’t stop what I’m doing.”

  “What do you mean, upset them?”

  Maybe my brother never told her how he really felt. He never told me either, but his feelings were so obvious that I could read them like words in a book. My mother was the same way, saying how proud she was and sheathing her heartbreak at the same time. It was an unspoken truth among us. “I know my family isn’t happy about my career choice. Everyone wants me to retire, but I can’t do that.”

  “I’m sure they worry about you, but I doubt they want you to quit.”

  “No…they do.” My mom was on the verge of tears every time I told her about an upcoming launch. She had no idea what I was preparing for, that NASA was giving me the biggest mission the human race had ever attempted. She would be hysterical when she learned the truth.

  “If this is your passion, then they should be supportive. Maybe because your career is so dangerous, that’s hard to do sometimes, but I’m sure they’re very proud of you. They want you to do what makes you happy…even if you’re hundreds of thousands of miles away.”

  If only my family could be as calm as she was.

  She kept watching me, her eyes sympathetic.

  I had a feeling she didn’t know how my father died. “Did Stacy ever you tell you how we lost my father?”

  “No. She just said he died a long time ago.” She was missing a critical piece of the narrative, the underlying reason my family was so devastated every time I left.

  “He was an astronaut. On his first mission to space, there was a malfunction with the launch. Pressure built up in the cylinders, and the hydrogen tank had a leak. It mixed with the concentrated oxygen and caused a huge combustion. All three astronauts died instantly. Their bodies couldn’t be recovered because they turned to ash.”

  Her fair skin changed to the color of milk, and she closed her mouth as she took in a deep gulp of shock. Her eyes were wide open like she’d just witnessed a horror film in her brain. Shocked, she stared at me for a few seconds before she sighed. “I’m so sorry, Neil…now I understand.” Her hand moved to mine. She didn’t hesitate before she grasped for my touch, before she locked our fingers together like we were more than lovers, more than friends.

  My fingers squeezed hers in return. “His dream was to go to the moon…and then Mars. But he never got off the ground. It was a bad accident with no one to blame. It just happened…unfortunately. My mother never got over it. Vic and I were too young to remember him. So, every time I get in that rocket, my mother remembers the day she lost her husband. I feel terrible for putting her through that…but it’s what I’m supposed to do.”

  “So you want to finish your father’s work?”

  “I want to fulfill his legacy. His DNA is in my DNA, so when I went to the moon…he did too. I took some of his ashes with me and spread them into a crater when no one was watching.”

  “Aww…that’s sweet.”

  “He’s the biggest influence on my decision to be an astronaut. It’s because of his old interviews, his uniform, his service in the military, that inspired me to do the same. I don’t even remember my father, and this helps me feel close to him, like we still have a relationship.”

  “It makes the whole thing more meaningful to you.”

  “Yeah…it does.”

  “I understand why it upsets your family so much, but I can promise you they’re still proud. There’s no way a mother can watch her son follow in his father’s footsteps and not feel emotional.”

  I knew my mother was proud of me. But she wanted me to live a long, happy life instead.

  Even though the moment was over, Charlotte kept her hand in mine. It was comfortable there, her soft fingers complementing my callused ones. I was rough in many places, from my fingertips to my five-o’clock shadow, and she was soft and smooth everywhere.

  “Vic mentioned you were a terminal bachelor. Is that why?”

  I’d never considered a serious relationship because it didn’t seem interesting to me. Life was meant to be experienced a full speed, to meet lots of new people as
you went. Finding one special person as the constant in your life…felt unrealistic. “Yes and no. I don’t think I’ll ever have the opportunity to have a normal relationship. My work is the most important thing in my life. How could I be with a woman if she’ll always be second? And also…I’ve just never felt that way for someone.”

  Her fingers gently glided over my skin, brushing up against my knuckles. “I think you could have a normal relationship if you really wanted one. If she really loves you, she’d understand how important your work is to you. She’d understand she’ll always be second, but that’s okay because she loves you so much. You can’t love someone without being completely supportive of everything that they do.”

  That was more than I deserved, and I was flattered that she thought a woman could ever love me that deeply. “I don’t want to have kids.” It was an important decision, and since most women wanted to have a family, it made me even less desirable.

  The look she gave me was unexpected, like she didn’t know how to process what I’d just said. She didn’t seem disappointed, but she didn’t seem happy either. It was as if she couldn’t make up her mind how she felt about it. “If a woman really loves you, she won’t care about that.”

  “I don’t know about that…”

  “Why don’t you want a family?”

  I shrugged. “I’m not around enough. It’s hard to imagine being far away while my family is down here without me. Why have a family if I’m not around to be a part of it? I’m too committed to my cause to have room for something else—or someone else.” There was nothing more important to me than the exploration of space and the search for alternate resources. At the rate we were going, we wouldn’t have a viable planet much longer. My mission was more important than something as normal as a wife and kids.

  Unlike most people, she didn’t insult me for the decision I made. She didn’t try to convince me to change my mind or judge me for saying something so cold. She just accepted it—no questions asked. “If you’re that committed to your work, then you must really love it.”

  It was my whole world. “Yes.”

  “What do you love about it the most?”

  Good question. “Every minute I’m up there…I’m making a difference. Even when I’m on the ground, I’m making a difference. Every technological advance, every scientific finding is a win for the human race. Not too many people care about these sorts of things. Not too many people are qualified to handle these sorts of things. I may be one person…but I make a huge impact.”

  “That’s beautiful…to be part of something bigger than yourself.”

  It was much bigger than me. “What about you?”

  “What about me?” she asked. “I feel like I make a difference at work—but not to your extent.”

  “I meant if you wanted a family.”

  “Oh…” Her eyes immediately fell at the question. That sunshine in her eyes disappeared like the setting sun, and her fingers slowly pulled away from my grasp and moved into her hair. “Um, I don’t know… The last thing on mind is a husband and kids. My only concern is being happy and holding on to that happiness as long as I can.”

  I was relieved she didn’t want anything serious, but I was affected by the subtle melancholy in her voice. “It can take a long time for a broken heart to heal. It’s not like a broken bone. It usually takes longer.”

  “Yeah…” She smiled, but it was clearly in an ironic way. “Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment, through sickness and health, and now that I’m divorced, I don’t believe that horseshit anymore. I’m not sure if I ever want to get married again.”

  “Ever?”

  She shook her head. “I have a good job, and I have my dog. I think I’d rather just have good sex and hang out with friends. When I’m single and in a good place, I’m really happy. When I was married, I was so miserable, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to live anymore.”

  “But you weren’t always miserable…”

  “But the good times didn’t outweigh the bad. Just made them worse, honestly.” She turned away and looked at her TV. Her beer was on the coffee table, where she ignored it. Her subtle movements made her earrings reflect the light from the kitchen, like two tiny projectors that showed off sunlight.

  I didn’t ask about her divorce outright because she would have told me the details if she wanted me to know. “It sounds like your husband was a jerk. But I can promise you, not all men are like that. There are men out there who are honest, loyal, and devoted. Just look at my brother. Before he met Stacy, he was breaking hearts like thin sheets of glass. When he met the right woman, he became the best guy out there.”

  “For now.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “What?”

  “Sorry…I shouldn’t have said that.” She turned back to me, apology in her eyes. “Cameron and I were stupidly in love. I thought we had the best marriage in the world. We met in college, got married afterward, and people thought we would last forever. We were no different from Stacy and Vic. But things change…”

  “What happened?” The question came out of my mouth when I should have held it back. But I wanted to know what this guy did to her, just so I could convince her that other men weren’t like that. I wanted to give her hope that there was someone good for her out there. A woman like her shouldn’t give up on love altogether just because of one asshole.

  She stared at the ground for a long time, like she might not answer the question.

  “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have asked.”

  “No, it’s okay.” She took a deep breath and met my gaze again. “We’re friends. I can tell we’ll be friends for a long time.”

  I wasn’t sure if I saw her a friend, but there was definitely affection between us. I already wanted to convince her there was good in the world, she just had to keep looking for it. I wanted this woman to be happy like my own happiness depended on it.

  “Cameron and I decided to start a family…” She took a deep breath, and when emotion caught in her throat, she took a pause to gather her nerves. “We tried for a while, but it wasn’t happening. After a year, Cameron grew more distant, more impatient. He’d always wanted to have kids. I did too, of course, but he was anxious. When a year came and went, we went to a fertility doctor…and found out I can’t have children.” She closed her eyes for a moment, like she was using all of her strength to stop her tears from escaping her eyes and streaking down her cheeks.

  My heart broke.

  “The news was really hard to take. I always pictured myself being pregnant. Cameron took it really hard. I suggested adoption or a surrogate, but he didn’t want to do either.”

  If he didn’t want to do either, then what was the solution?

  “So…he left me.”

  My eyes were locked on hers, and I didn’t give any indication of a reaction—because I was in shock. A man left his wife because she couldn’t physically give him children. He didn’t even bother with adoption because he was a stubborn asshole. He turned his back on her and walked away. “Jesus…”

  “We got divorced quickly. Then he started seeing someone new shortly afterward.”

  I didn’t even know this guy, and I wanted to punch him in the face.

  She looked away, probably affected by the anger written on my features.

  “Char, I’m so sorry.” There was nothing better I could say, nothing I could do to numb this kind of pain. How could any man do that to his wife? There was something physically wrong with her, so he just abandoned her? “But that’s not a man. A man will stand by his wife, no matter what. He will never leave her side, no matter how much it rains or how hard it pours. I know that must have hurt…but you’re better off. You deserve someone with balls, someone with loyalty.”

  “I don’t know,” she whispered. “I was hurt when he left, but when I think about it in hindsight, I’m glad it happened. I wouldn’t want him to stay with me out of obligation, to grow resentful of me. He deserves to have what he wants, and if that’s not me
…so be it.”

  That was an oddly calm response to the whole thing, and that was probably because she’d had six months to let go of the past and move on. “No…that’s still unacceptable to me. Don’t let him ruin the kind of future you could have. Just because he was an asshole doesn’t mean the rest of us are.”

  “I know there are good guys out there. I just…” She shrugged. “I kinda lost my faith in the whole institution. When your doctors say you’re barren, and then your husband runs out the door, it scars you. And who’s gonna want a woman who can’t have children?”

  “Lots of men.” I didn’t hesitate before I blurted out the answer. “And a man who really loves you won’t care.”

  She shook her head slightly, like she didn’t believe me. “I’ve done the marriage thing, and I don’t want to do it again. You told me you never want to get married or have a family, and not once did I question your decision. So, don’t question mine.”

  I stared at her with a deflated heart. In the back of my mind, I wondered why I was arguing with her at all. Her decisions had nothing to do with me. But I cared about this woman, thought she deserved the whole world. It didn’t seem right to watch her give up on something she could have someday. But she was right…she hadn’t chastised me for it.

  The tension slowly faded away as the silence lingered. She stared straight ahead and turned her gaze on me once the awkwardness passed. She looked at me, her eyes a little heavy as sleepiness began to take over. “Thank you for taking me to dinner with your friends. Now I don’t just know one astronaut…but two.”

  “Hyde doesn’t really count…so it’s just one.”

  She chuckled at my joke before she stood up. “I’ll walk you out.”

  I’d been hoping for an invitation for the night, but we’d wasted all our time talking. I didn’t regret it because it’d been a long time since I’d had a meaningful moment with anyone. The only epiphanies I ever had occurred when I was alone.

  I left my beer on the kitchen counter then moved to the door.

  “I feel really bad about the wallet. You should let me buy you a new one.”