by Tiana Laveen
You cried out for God as you betrayed your beliefs and your code.
This is your new day, your new seed, for you to sow.
When you make love to me, I kiss your pain and make you question your very existence and ask how much you’re truly worth.
When you fell in love with Blackness, you did not forsake your Whiteness, you simply accepted that we both come from and return to the earth.
I made you get on your knees and pray for a new soul.
The old one was too cold, tortured, and made a fool out of you.
I made you call me by my God-given name, not “Nigger” or hate-filled slang, Because in me, you saw your dream come true.
You gave up your definition of life to venture out on the unknown and covet what you once misunderstood and despised.
And now you sit as my twin flame, soul mate, my other half having to swallow your own self-inflicted lies.
We are what we are, so remember that as you drive deeply inside my love.
With each thrust, caress, and kiss I’m all that you ever wanted, needed, and now, ever think of.
Aaron and Mia were coated in each other’s sweat. Their slick bodies rubbed against one another in slow motion. He tasted her, drank her whole, turned her around, and dove deeper while mounting her from behind. His fingers intertwined with hers as he pinned her down with his body and desire. Mia cried out, tears pouring down like a torrential storm, watering the surrounding grass as her face lay in between gorgeously neglected daisies and derelict weeds that no one loved. It was that sort of orgasm, the kind that brings tears to your eyes and makes you feel like you’re falling to pieces. She smiled and laughed at the way her body tingled and praised each and every move that her lover made. To be in love, to make love, and to be free was all they wanted.
Aaron gently bit her shoulder as he emptied the broken promise of his past life deep inside her aquatic crevice. He no longer cared about anything except preserving this newfound love.
Once again he devoured his slice of peace on earth. Mia became his moon and stars, and he hoped that he was her sun.
The emotions overtook him as he tasted her salty skin and became reborn from her, over and over. If he could’ve put a picture frame on the day, he would’ve.
Instead, he marked his territory. Blades of grass in between his toes as he braced himself for his final release, his verbal volume became disruptive to the postcard scenery. The birds that had gathered flew frantically away as he yelled out. He dug up soil and replanted his seed, pleading with his beloved, physically and spiritually, to never leave him alone with his old self again. Aaron realized that he not only wanted Mia, he needed her. He rose up, slowly turning her around to face him.
Mia sat up and embraced him, her smile warming his heart all over again. He kissed her.
“You don’t smell like cigarettes,” she said breathlessly as she leaned against his chest.
“I stopped,” Aaron smiled. “It was time. Some bad habits just need to go.”
* * *
Three years later…
“Yeah, Mr. Harmon, there are three pallets that should arrive at your warehouse tomorrow mornin’. Sure, no problem.” Aaron hung up the phone. He had been working at Timbers Steel for two-and-a-half years, and last year was promoted to Sales Manager. He touched his arm and winced. The tattoo removal process left his skin sensitive. He still had quite a few to go, but a start was better than nothing at all. He looked at the mountain of paperwork on his desk and smiled.
“I’m grateful to have it,” he thought to himself. Aaron logged onto his computer to look at the quarterly sales report when his phone rang again.
“Mr. Pike, your wife’s on Line Two.”
“Thank you, Carole. Put her through.”
“Hi, Sweetness,” Aaron said, smiling widely into the phone.
He could hear their one-and-a-half-year-old son, Jeremiah, laughing in the background.
“It’s time,” Mia huffed between Lamaze breaths.
“For what? Oh – oh! I’ll be right there.” Aaron hung up the phone abruptly, grabbed his jacket, and raced out the building yelling to the receptionist, “Carole! Mia’s havin’ the baby!
Have Hector take my calls!” Aaron raced home and found his wife sitting on the living room couch in their quaint, three-bedroom, Vermont home. She was breathing heavily. Their son continued to play on the floor with his toys, oblivious to his mother’s ordeal.
“Come on, Sweetness.” Aaron gingerly lifted her up from her sitting position.
“Are you havin’ hard contractions?” he asked as he ushered her towards the front door and grabbed Jeremiah and the hospital bag.
“Yes, these are so much worse than with Jeremiah,” Mia panted, rubbing her large protruding stomach.
“My water broke and made a mess in the bathroom,” Mia moaned with pain.
“Sweetness, forget about the bathroom. Just concentrate on your breathin’,” Aaron said as he sped through the streets, making his way to the hospital. Jeremiah laughed and played in the back of the car. He was a happy baby. His thick, black locks flowed softly over his peach-colored face which was taken up by two, large, ice-blue eyes. Aaron pulled up to the hospital.
A nurse came out with a wheelchair and helped Mia out of the car. Mia was whisked away into the maternity room while Aaron called a friend of his to come pick up Jeremiah. Aaron waited patiently with Mia hour after hour, holding her hand. He couldn’t express his elation. He was married to the woman of his dreams, and she was now giving him his third child. He couldn’t wait for Laura to be able to see her new baby brother.
Three hours later, Aaron was fighting back tears as he saw his new son’s head crown. He held Mia’s foot in the air and looked down while the bright lights illuminated a head full of black locks, just like Jeremiah’s.
“Push, Mia. Just a few more. You’re doing great!” said the doctor. Mia bore down, her face turning bright red. The pain was immense, but she tried to focus on getting her baby out.
“You’re doin’ wonderful, Sweetness,” Aaron whispered in her ear. “I can see him.”
“One more big push, Mia!” the doctor requested. Mia bore down once more until finally, she felt a relief of pressure and heard the cry of Baby Lazarus. Aaron was handed small surgical scissors. With the doctor’s guidance, he cut the chord as tears fell down his cheeks.
Mia only saw Aaron cry two times. Once, when Jeremiah was born and now. Lazarus was weighed, tested, cleaned, and swaddled. He was handed back to Mia. Mia cooed at him, tired, but instantly showing love. She lowered the side of her gown and offered him a chance to nurse. Aaron helped position the baby, rubbing its cheek and holding its head steady.
“Pull his chin down a little more, Baby,” Aaron said, as he watched the newborn struggle.
Lazarus finally latched on, taking in his first out-of-the-womb nourishment. Aaron pulled out his camera and began to take more photos.
“Don’t take any of my woo-hoo like you did last time!” Mia snapped. Aaron laughed.
“I had to take photos of Jeremiah comin’ out, those are important memories.”
“Well, you should have made sure not to put them in our public photo album!” Mia laughed.
Aaron bent down and kissed Mia’s forehead.
“Is it hot in here?” he asked as he took his shirt off, standing only in his tank top.
“Not really,” Mia said, cooing and smiling at Lazarus while he fed. Aaron kissed his son on the cheek as the three of them fell in love. An African-American nurse came in to check on Mia. She looked at Aaron’s arm, and her eyes grew huge. Most of his tattoos were still visible, especially the Nazi symbols. The nurse rolled her eyes in disgust. She looked at Mia then back at Aaron, showing her obvious disapproval. She asked Mia about her pain level then checked the baby.
“OK, I’m just going to have to say it!” The nurse finally blurted. “I know it’s none of my business, but I’m totally confused by this! You, Mrs. Pike, are married to this man. Sist
a girl, how could you? He must be a Skinhead! He has Nazi shit all up and down his arms!” Mia was outraged. Just as she was getting ready to respond, Aaron touched her shoulder.
“It’s OK, Sweetness, just keep nursin’ Lazarus.”
“Nurse, I’m deeply offended,” Aaron said sarcastically. “We don’t use the ‘N’ word, especially around our children.” He smiled and winked at her. Mia burst out laughing while the nurse looked at both of them in total confusion and left the room hastily. Aaron kissed Mia on the forehead as he rubbed Lazarus’s thick, black curls and stared into his small, ice-blue eyes.
* * *
“The Gathering”
“Please pick up your name tag and proceed to Conference Room C,” instructed the attendant to the group of fourteen. “Mrs.
Laveen will be with you shortly. Please have a seat and make yourself comfortable.” The seven couples walked into the warm, sun-drenched room, placing their name tags on their chests and partaking in the assorted beverages and hors d'oeuvres.
Each one chatted quietly and found a place to sit in the circle of plush, plum-colored chairs.
Mrs. Laveen walked into the room with her clipboard and a welcoming smile.
“Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for coming. I’m author Tiana Laveen. I know it took a lot of communication and coordination for us all to gather. I want to thank you for your participation.” Mrs. Laveen took a seat amongst them.
“It had to have been difficult to relive your stories, but I hope you found your trips down memory lane rewarding. As you’re aware, I documented your personal stories in book form. I would now like to find out what has transpired since we first spoke two years ago. I want to speak to all of you as couples and then again as a group, as we are now. If you don’t mind, let’s start with thirty-minute couples consultations then reconvene as a group at the end of the day. In the interim while you’re not in consultation, please enjoy the facilities. There are recreational games, a movie theater, spa, swimming pool, as well as two restaurants. Whatever you wish to do is prepaid. You’ll be paged over the PA system when I’m ready for you. Does anyone have any questions?” Mrs. Laveen asked as she twisted the cap on her bottle of water.
Stephen Johnson raised his hand. Mrs. Laveen smiled.
“Yes, Stephen?”
“Sandra and I didn’t have a chance to check into our hotel room yet, and I – I really need to drain the snake. Where are the restrooms?” he asked. Everyone started laughing. Mrs. Laveen smiled.
“They’re right outside to the right. Go two doors down,” Mrs.
Laveen said, pointing in the direction of the door. Stephen got up, then suddenly stopped. He looked at Antonio.
“I’ve seen you somewhere before!” he exclaimed. Antonio smiled.
“You and millions of others. By the way, you’re having an excellent year. Keep up the good work and take care of that leg.”
They nodded at one another. Stephen sprinted past the other guests and out the door.
“OK, if that’s it, we can temporarily adjourn. The first couple I’d like to speak to is Nyko and James, please,” Tiana said.
Nyko stood up slowly, smoothing out her skirt. She tucked her hair behind her ear and walked towards Mrs. Laveen. James stood up, patting Nyko lightly on the back as they disappeared into a tranquil, attached office. An onyx and silver globe sat on the long ebony desk, slowly revolving. The only sound was the faint tick tock of a glass clock that hung politely on the soft blue walls and a miniscule marble water fountain that stood in the corner.
“Please, have a seat,” Mrs. Laveen said as she sat behind her desk. Nyko and James made themselves comfortable, sliding into the slick, black chairs with thin, silver arms. Nyko hung her dark gray leather purse over the shoulder of the chair and looked at the artwork dotting the room.
“That’s very nice,” she said in a low voice, pointing to a black-and-white drawing of two panthers.
“Thank you. I sketched that back in college,” Mrs. Laveen responded. She watched James and Nyko’s body language.
James was silently staring at Nyko.
“OK, we all know why we’re here.” Mrs. Laveen clasped her hands together and smiled at both of them. “I’d like to know what’s happened with the two of you. The last I had heard, you saw James at his place of work, his business, that is, and it was a very emotional meeting.
What’s occurred since then?” Mrs. Laveen asked thoughtfully. Nyko took a deep breath and looked down towards her lap. James gently rubbed her back, comforting her.
“Well,” Nyko began, “after James and I had that heated encounter, I drove home. I had a lot of time to think. I decided that I wasn’t gonna listen to what he said and go on with my life– my counterfeit life, as he described it.” Nyko rolled her eyes, fighting back tears. James continued to slowly rub her back.
“Without getting into all the mundane details, I discovered several months after I had seen James that my husband was having an affair. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. I always suspected it, but now I had proof. This led to a nasty divorce in which he tried to take everything I’ve ever worked for.
I felt alone and embarrassed. I had wasted a lot of time. I had married someone that I knew didn’t love me, and for what?
James and I were – in love. That love never ceased, it was only covered up so I could get through my life. I’m so stubborn. I endured so much pain. Mrs. Laveen, divorce is very upsetting and emotionally draining.” Nyko’s eyes welled up once more.
“I know, Nyko. I know firsthand what you’re describing,”
Mrs. Laveen responded, reaching across the desk and putting her hand on Nyko’s. Nyko wiped a tear from her eye with her hand while James took some Kleenex from Mrs. Laveen’s desk and wiped her other eye, handing her the box with his other hand.
“After my husband – ex-husband, I mean, finally conceded to the terms of the divorce,” Nyko continued, “my situation became public knowledge. As if I wasn’t humiliated enough, my private life became a public spectacle. I thought I was gonna die.
The life force inside me seemed to be rotting. My pride, my ego, which created all of this, was screaming for mercy.
Then one evening…,” Nyko stopped as James touched her shoulder.
“Then one evenin’,” James continued in her stead, “after I heard what happened, I decided to pay Nyko a visit. Word gets around, especially with high-profile, local divorces.” He smiled at Nyko as she sat hunched over, a grin breaking through the grief on her face.
“I came over covered in oil and grease. My nails were dirty. I looked a mess. It didn’t matter. I had to tell her everything was gonna be OK. I rang the doorbell, and she answered. I had never seen her so depressed. It was like her soul had disappeared. The light in her eyes was gone. That was the first thing that attracted me to her, her eyes. I could’ve drawn ’em in my sleep.” James lifted his shirt sleeve, exposing the tattoo of her eyes he had gotten while in the Army. Nyko blushed.
“We just stood there looking at each other,” Nyko added. “I didn’t say a word and neither did he. I just opened the door and let him in.”
“I walked inside. Her house was beautiful. I expected nothin’
less. I knew that that’s what she always wanted. It didn’t matter that her house was beautiful, though, because it was only a house. It was never a home. It was the source of her heartbreak.
Her husband brought another woman into their house, their bed, and defiled it. I took off my jacket off and hugged her. I held her as tight as I could and let her cry in my arms,” James explained.
“I think he hurt more for me than I hurt for myself,” Nyko added. James took her hand and held it. “He told me that he was sorry for the grief he’d put me through, and regardless of what had happened between us, he would’ve never wanted me to hurt like this.” Nyko wiped her face.
“Because, Mrs. Laveen,” James interrupted.
“James, please call me Tiana.”
&
nbsp; “Tiana, I had to apologize because that’s one of the main things that pushed her away from me. We were very young back then, and I was really immature, but I knew I was in love, and I knew that I’d never find anyone that understood me and loved me like Nyko. A part of me resented her for thinkin’ that I wouldn’t meet the approval of her parents and peers, even though she never said it. She accepted me with no questions asked. I didn’t feel like I had to explain myself. I could – I could just be me.” James looked at her, love flowing strongly through his veins, he looked as if he may burst.
“We sat down and talked all night. All those buried emotions rushed back. It was like we’d never been apart. James laid it all on the line. He told me that he knew the ink wasn’t dry from my divorce, but that he wanted me back, and we were meant to be together. He left it at that.
We ended up seeing each other the next day and then a couple months after that. I met his two sons. He took me to California to meet them. This time, Mrs. Laveen, I mean, Tiana, I didn’t hesitate. I ignored all the rules in my mind about protocol and just went forward. I did what my heart told me to do, and it was scary!” Nyko laughed. Mrs. Laveen smiled and looked at both James and Nyko admirably.
“You two have been through a lot. Your story is the only one I have about first love. James didn’t have the experience that was required to endure some of the heavy emotions, expectations, and realities that hit the two of you. There was no doubt in my mind that you two were madly in love, and it saddened me that the two of you weren’t able to make it work.
After the Army, law school, two children, and a divorce, though, here you are. You survived!” Tiana declared.
“Yeah, we did,” James smiled. “It’s been a very long journey, but I wouldn’t change anything.”
“Why’s that?” asked Tiana.
“Because there’s no way we’d know how strong we are or what we can endure. I apologized to her for the wrong I had done. She apologized to me for runnin’ away and carin’ about what other people thought. I don’t throw her marriage up in her face, and she doesn’t beat me over the head for the past. We know it had to be that way, or we wouldn’t be able to appreciate each other like we do. I was her first in so many ways, but I don’t think Nyko understands that she was my first, as well. I’m not talkin’ about sex. I’m talkin’ about truly bein’ the first person to whom I gave myself completely. I was totally vulnerable with her.
