The Year of Falling in Love

by Jessica Sorensen

  It's not like I hated sitting on his lap, but now that I'm not a blubbering mess, it kind of seems ... I don't know, inappropriate. Well, that and now that I'm not shattering into pieces, I'm too aware I haven't showered in a couple of days. I probably smell pretty ripe at this point.

  He makes a scooch motion, and sighing, I climb out of the car. I step back and let him slide into the passenger seat. Once he gets settled, he reaches out, snags the hem of my shirt, and drags me toward him. Being my suave self, I end up tripping over my feet and falling into his lap. He grunts as my butt hits his lap, probably squishing his guy parts.

  I quickly twist around. "Oh, my God. Are you okay?"

  "Yep, just peachy." His face is bunched up in pain as he closes the door.

  He doesn't look very peachy. In fact, he kind of looks pale. I wonder how he's feeling, if it's the concussion, if it has to do with what he just found out.

  "I think you need to get some rest," I say first, because his wellbeing is the most important.

  "I will in a bit." He shifts his weight, bringing my back against his chest. Then he buckles us in and slips his arms around me. "I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"

  When I start to chew on my fingernails, Indigo barks, "Isa, stop biting your nails."

  I remove my fingers from my mouth. "Let's go with the bad news first," I say to Kai.

  He hesitates. "Big Doug is ... Well, he's gone."

  "What do you mean gone?" I ask. "Like he went to the store kind of gone? Or like he packed up his crap and said peace out, Sunnyvale?"

  "Like he was running-for-his-life kind of gone," Kai says solemnly. "Half his furniture is still there, but his house is trashed. And he took all of his computers."

  "What would he be running from?" I try not to panic, but I can hear my heart thudding in my chest. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. You're. Never. Gonna. Know. If. She. Could. Be. Innocent.

  "Lots of things," Kai says, rubbing his eye with the heel of his hand. "When I first met Big Doug, he warned me that, one day, he might just up and leave."

  I move around until my back is pressed against the console and I can look at Kai more easily. "How did you even meet him?"

  He stares ahead as Indigo pulls out onto the road. "At this party. It was kind of an accident we became friends. We didn't really have anything in common, but we both got high ..." His gaze glides to Indigo then lands back on me. "Drunk. And he let it slip about what he did and told me that, if I wanted in on some jobs, he could hook me up. I was going through some stuff, and his offer to make some fast cash by doing practically nothing sounded perfect, not just because of the money, but because of the change ... the risk ... Well, it was different. And I wanted different. I wanted to be a guy who wasn't just Kyler's younger brother."

  "You've never just been Kyler's younger brother." I completely understand where he's coming from. Even now, people refer to me as Hannah's sister. "People know you around school, Kai. You have friends."

  "Now I do," he says. "But a year ago ... All of my friends were through association with Kyler, and I hated that. I hate how he's always been better than me at everything, and I wanted to have something that he wasn't good at."

  I give him a look. "So, you thought that something should be working for a hacker?"

  "I never said he was a hacker," he reminds me, absentmindedly playing with the bottom of my shirt. "And, yeah, I realize how stupid it sounds--getting into trouble so you can break out of living in your brother's shadow--but at the time, it seemed like an awesome idea."

  "Maybe it was the weed that made you think that," I suggest, fighting back a shiver when his knuckles graze my skin.

  "I already told you I don't do that anymore." His gaze flicks to Indigo again.

  "She's not going to judge you," I tell him. "She does it sometimes, too."

  "I'm not worried she'll judge me." When he looks back at me, his lips curl into a teasing grin. "I'm worried she'll tell your grandma and then she won't let me play with you anymore."

  "She won't tell," I promise then glance over my shoulder. "Right, Indigo?"

  "Of course I won't tell," Indigo replies with an eye roll. "You two need to spend time together. You're too perfect together."

  Kai grins, but then it fades. "Are you ready to hear the good news?" he asks.

  For a split second, I don't even know what he's talking about. His ability to make me forget stuff is amazing.

  "Um, yes?" It sounds more like a question, mostly because he doesn't seem too thrilled about the good news. "But if it's good news, why do you seem so depressed about it?"

  "Because I'm thinking of all the problems that might come with this good news," he says then sighs. "So, Big Doug left me this flash drive and a note that said the flash drive had information on it about your mom. And I was really excited about it up until about a minute ago when I realized that, more than likely, the damn thing's going to have security and passwords and shit to keep anyone from being able to access it."

  "Sounds kind of extreme," I say, frowning.

  "That's just how he is," he explains. "He's careful about everything he does."

  "Do you know anyone who can crack those passwords and security and shit?" I ask, crossing my fingers and toes that he does.

  He bobs his head from side to side, thinking about it. "I might be able to do it, but it'll take some time."

  My jaw nearly smacks my knees. "You know how to hack into stuff?"

  "It's not really hacking." He shrugs like it's no big deal. "More like solving a puzzle."

  I study him carefully. "What else do you know how to do that I don't know about?"

  "There's a lot of things I know how to do that you don't know about." His lips threaten to turn upward. "Yet."

  I feel my cheeks flush. Get it together. Stop being weird. He didn't mean it like that.

  "Oh, my God," Indigo abruptly shouts, slapping her hand against the steering wheel. "Would you two just kiss already? I can't take much more of this sexual tension."

  I whip my head in her direction and blast her with my best death glare. She smiles sweetly at me and shrugs oh-so-innocently. Collecting myself, I turn my attention back to Kai, wondering what the hell he's going to say about Indigo's remark.

  He stares at me with curiosity in his eyes, and then his gaze drops to my mouth. My heart literally skips a beat in anticipation. But then I become hyper aware of my surroundings. Wait. He's not going to kiss me, right here, in front of Indigo, is he?

  But as he leans in, my worries go right out the window. I remember the night he kissed me in the driveway. His lips were so soft and gentle, and the contact of our lips sent showers of fireworks exploding through my body.

  But Kai stops mid lean-in and suddenly leans back. "What kind of a computer do you have?"

  What the heck did he just say? "Huh?"

  "You brought yours to your grandma's right?" he asks, putting even more room between us.

  I have to work really hard not to jut my lip out in a pout. That's the second time he almost kissed me. How many times is this going to happen between us? And shouldn't I put a stop to it? I mean, there's the thing with Kyler ...

  Holy shit, I just kissed Kyler yesterday! What's the matter with me? I've got to stop this!

  God, I really am a bad person.

  "Or did you leave it at your house?" Kai asks when I don't say anything.

  "I, um ... What? No, I brought my computer with me." I force myself to focus on the conversation. "But it's really old."

  "What about your grandma?" he asks. "Does she have a newer one?"

  Indigo cackles. "Oh, Kai, you silly guy. Old people don't have computers. You should know that."

  "I do know that," Kai says. "But I did meet this guy once who was, like, seventy and knew how to break into the DMV records."

  Indigo looks at him like what the hell dude? And Kai counters with a whoops-I-didn't-mean-to-say-that face.

  "But, anyway." Kai glazes over
the subject, focusing back on me as he puts a hand on top of my thigh. "Maybe we should stop by my house and pick up mine. I've got this really killer program that might come in handy."

  I gape at him. "Seriously, who are you?"

  "Don't get too excited," he says. "Like I said, I'm not that great, definitely nowhere near as good as Big Doug. And it'll take some time."

  "Like how much time?" I ask, too aware that his fingers have started to lightly trace a path up and down my thigh.

  Yeah, I'm wearing pajama bottoms but somehow it feels almost as intense as if he were touching my skin.

  He shrugs. "A few days, a few weeks. It's hard to know for sure."

  "A few weeks." My chest aches again, a near blinding pain. How can I wait that long? I need to know what happened. What she did. Who she was. Was I living with her when she ...? "Maybe I should just search the internet for information about her."

  Kai promptly shakes his head as his fingers circle my wrist, pressing against my pulse. "Promise me you won't do that."

  My pulse hammers against his fingertips. "Why?"

  "Because the stuff that's going to show up in that ... I don't want you to see it."

  "Have you seen it?"

  He gulps and nods once. "The first set of documents Big Doug gave me had a lot of articles and stuff about what happened."

  "And it was really bad?" I shake my head at myself. "Of course it was bad ... she ... killed someone." I sound strangled.

  "Hey," he warns, softly tugging on my wrist. "I want you to promise not only you won't look on the internet for anything, but you'll stop stressing over this until I can access the files on this damn flash drive." When I start to open my mouth in protest, he cuts me off. "And I don't want to hear any buts. Just stop stressing out and let me fix this."

  While it's sweet that he thinks he can fix this, I'm not so sure my mom being in jail for murder is a fixable thing. Still, I nod and bottle up my worries into the little box I keep hidden inside me. It's the same box that contains the pain of when my dad stopped doing stuff with me, the first time Lynn told me I was ugly, and the time Hannah convinced her friends to pin me against the locker and draw freak on my forehead with a permanent marker.

  "You want us to take you to your house, then?" I ask and he nods. "What about your parents, though? Won't they ask you where your car is and about these?" I trace my fingertips over the bruises on his scruffy cheek, making sure not to put any pressure on them.

  "I'll just run in and out," he says, his voice tight. "They might not even be there, anyway. They sometimes visit my grandma on Sundays."

  "Maybe we could just borrow a computer from someone," I suggest, not wanting him to get yelled at by his dad.

  He leans into my hand. "I'm a big boy, Isa. I'll be fine."

  "That's not what you told me last night when you tried to get me to sleep on the couch with you," I tease in an attempt to lighten the mood.

  "I think I should get a free pass on anything I said last night," he counters. "It's like when you're drunk and do something stupid; it doesn't count."

  "Yeah, try telling that to my friend Jenna," Indigo says, cracking her window to light up. "She got trashed one night, slept with some random dude, and ended up with herpes."

  Kai and I mirror each other's disgusted faces.

  "And FYI, I'm making this choice for you guys." She cranes the wheel and turns the car down the street that leads to mine and Kai's subdivision. "We're going to go get this computer so Kai can get into this flash drive and hopefully give you some sort of peace of mind."

  "But what if what's on it doesn't give me peace of mind?" I inch over until I'm off Kai's lap and sitting between his legs with my back against his chest.

  She reaches for her pack of cigarettes on the dashboard. "Then we'll deal with that when we reach that point." She pops a cigarette between her lips. "You should get in the backseat and lie down. The last thing we need is Lynn, Hannah, or your dad seeing you here and causing more drama."

  I unbuckle the seatbelt and move to hop into the backseat. Kai holds onto me for a second or two before reluctantly releasing me from his grasp. Then I lie down on the seat and remain quiet for the next couple of minutes.

  When the car comes to a stop, Kai mutters, "Fuck, they're home."

  I open my mouth to tell him not to go, but he's already getting out of the car.

  Indigo starts fiddling with the radio, not really saying too much. The longer the silence lingers in the air, the more restless I get. In an attempt to distract myself, I text my Grandma Stephy.

  Me: Hey, how's it going there? Any luck with those surveillance cameras?

  Grandma Stephy: Sorry, hon, but whoever broke into the car knew what they were doing.

  Me: What do you mean?

  Grandma Stephy: I mean, they were wearing a mask.

  I sigh.

  Me: Well, that sucks. What did your policeman friend say about it? And the blue car? Did you tell him about that?

  Grandma Stephy: He said the break-in was really odd, especially since they didn't really steal anything besides some papers. But he said there's not much we can do about it besides report it. He said the same thing about the blue car, and unless we can get a license plate number, reporting it won't do much. I think, for now, we just need to keep our eyes open. And I don't want you going off by yourself anywhere ... Where are you now? Are you headed home?

  Me: Yeah. We just made a stop by Kai's house so he could get some stuff.

  Grandma Stephy: What happened at his friend's house? Did you get what he needed?

  Me: Sort of.

  Grandma Stephy: ???

  Me: The guy was gone. He left a flash drive, but Kai has to break into it.

  Grandma Stephy: Isa, I trust your judgment and everything, but are you sure you want to be messing around with this stuff? I don't want you getting into trouble.

  "Is that Grandma Stephy?" Indigo asks, and I nod. "What's she saying?"

  I roll onto my side to look at her. "She thinks I shouldn't be messing around with suspicious flash drives."

  "Text her back and tell her you won't," Indigo says, surprising me.

  "You want me to lie to her?"

  "It's not lying. You won't be messing around with it. Kai will."

  My fingers hover over the buttons. "But Kai's doing it for me."

  She rotates around in her seat so she's turned around and looking at me. She moves her cigarette out of her mouth. "Look, Isa. Sometimes, it's better not to be completely honest when it comes to Grandma. She's older, and when she gets stressed out, it starts to show, you know."

  "Maybe I shouldn't mess around with the flash drive, then, if it's going to cause this many problems."

  "No, you need to; otherwise, you're going to stay stressed out." When I still seem not entirely convinced, she releases a frustrated exhale. "Look, you can do whatever you want, but I really think you should just let her think we're letting this go. Ask her to have her cop friend look into it. It might be nice to have a backup plan, anyway, just in case Kai can't pull out these badass cracking code skills he says he has." She scratches at her brow with the back of her hand. "Okay, total subject change here, but wasn't it so hot when Kai said he could break into this flash drive?"

  "You think computer skills are hot? Because you're usually into guys who are kind of ... How do I put this nicely? Not very smart."

  "Yeah, but they're hot. And besides, it's not like I'm going to marry any of them. I'm young and having fun." Smoke circles her face as she takes a drag off her cigarette. "Does it bother you that I find Kai hot?"

  "No." But my lip instinctively twitches, and she totally notices.

  "It so does and I love it. I'm going to keep doing it until you admit you're in love with him." She extends her arm to the side to ash her cigarette out the window and grins at me as I scowl at her. "You know he almost kissed you, right? He was like," she holds her finger and thumb and inch apart, "this close."

  I want to deny, de
ny, deny like I usually do, but it's kind of pointless since she witnessed it happen.

  "I don't know what to do," I admit, propping up on my elbow. "I mean, I was with Kyler yesterday, and he was really sweet and spent the day trying to distract me from all the family drama. We were flirting, and I liked it ... And then there was that almost kiss ... That was..." I try to find a word to describe it but the first thing that comes to my mind is nice. And saying that aloud to Indigo, I know she'll just overanalyze it. "But then, today, I'm with Kai, and he's so amazing ... Like, seriously, who climbs over a seat just to hold a person because they're about to cry? And then he took me on a walk and told me this story about Hannah ... It's not even just that. It's everything. Like, when he holds my hand, it calms me down." I rub my forehead with the heel of my hand. "But I still think I might like Kyler." I blow out another breath. "I'm the worst person ever. What's wrong with me? Who thinks like this?"

  "Um, a lot of people. Your confusion is totally normal. Trust me. I've dated a lot of guys at once, and you haven't crossed a line yet."

  "Haven't I? Because I might have let Kai kiss me if he didn't back off."

  "Isa, Kyler and you haven't made any sort of commitment. You've hung out a couple of times for a little bit, and he's asked you out. That's it. Until you've had the exclusive conversation, you can do whatever your little heart desires. Besides, it's not like you lie to them. You told Kai about the almost kiss with Kyler, yet he still almost kissed you. And Kyler knows you hang out with Kai. If he's seen you two together, he knows there's chemistry there." Bits of ash float through the air as she returns the cigarette to her lips. "And I hate to say this, but with everything you've told me about Kyler, he kind of sounds like a player and is probably still dating other girls."

  I think of Jesmine and the endless hug. Maybe she's right, but that doesn't mean I feel comfortable being involved on a dating level with both of them. It's weird and strange and ...

  "But they're brothers, and they don't really like each other." I flick a piece of ash off my arm. "It seems super messed up to be thinking about kissing both of them."

  "Look, you can do whatever you want. Kiss Kai. Don't kiss Kai. Date Kyler. See where that goes." She rolls her eyes. "You haven't dated, like, at all. You need to do that. It's a rite of passage." When I start to nod, she tacks on a, "But ..."

  I grimace. The dreaded "but."

  "This thing with Kai, I don't think you should ignore it." She takes another drag off her cigarette and exhales a cloud of smoke. "The way he looks at you ..." She gets that dreamy look in her eyes. "I'm pretty sure he's in love with you."