Troubles and Treats

by Tara Sivec

  We had stared at each other for a few minutes and I wasn't not gonna lie, I sort of forgot about the problem for a minute while I stared at her. I had started crawling up the bed toward her when she reminded me.

  “Wait, stop! What are we going to do about the Skittles stuck in Texas?”

  Two months after the night of the sex swing crash and the “Taste the Rainbow” incident, Jenny and I are doing better than ever. It had taken a trip to the emergency room that night and a vacuum cleaner nozzle to remove the Skittles from the great state of vagina.

  Okay, it hadn't really been a vacuum cleaner nozzle but it may as well have. I could have saved us a hundred dollar deductible and our dignity by just using the Hoover at home. Surprisingly, the nurse told us that wasn’t even the strangest thing she’d seen stuck up in someone in the emergency room. While we waited, she told us all about the sorts of things people had jammed up in them and how they had to waddle through the emergency room doors to get it removed.

  McDonald’s Happy Meal Toys, grapefruit, cell phones, wine bottles, a dozen ping pong balls, and a whisk.

  But the whisk was totally not my fault, and I was doing something else that had absolutely nothing to do with sex and it just slipped. I had been grateful that the nurse who helped us was new and wasn’t aware of mine and Jenny’s frequent flyer miles at that particular emergency room.

  Through it all, Jenny and I have learned some very important lessons. Never hire your dad as a private investigator, and Carter cheats when he’s in a diaper changing race.

  We've also learned to never keep things to ourselves if something is bothering us, and I've learned to just assume my wife always needs help around the house and she shouldn’t have to ask for it. Our sex life is better and more adventurous than ever, especially trying to navigate around two children’s schedules, but we’re making it work and being very creative. Jenny finally admitted to me that she never really wanted vanilla sex, she just though that now that we were older and parents, it’s what we should do. I honestly would have agreed to boring sex for the rest of my life, but thank the holy jeans I don’t have to worry about that anymore.

  My hot, slutty wife is back, and I couldn’t be happier.

  “Are you nervous?” I ask Jenny as we stand at the front of the room and wait for everyone else to get here.

  “You know, I’m not. Is that weird?” she asks with a smile as she pulls things out of her bag and sets them up on the table.

  “Nah, I’m not nervous either. I mean, we’re kind of experts about this shit so why should we be nervous?”

  She nods in agreement and sets the bag on top of the table, walking over to me as I organize my notes. She pulls the pad of paper out of my hands and places it on the table, taking my hands and resting them right on top of her tits.

  “This is going to be so much fun,” she tells me with a big smile as she stands on her tip toes and runs her tongue along my top lip, giving me the shivers, just like always.

  I remove a hand from one of her boobs and place it under her ass, lifting her up so she can wrap her legs around my waist. I turn us and push her back against the wall, sliding my hand down the front of her body and then pushing it back up under her t-shirt, grazing soft, warm skin as I go.

  Jenny pulls her lips away from mine and tilts her head to the side so I can kiss my way down her neck to her collarbone. I suck and nibble on the skin while my hand under her shirt pulls the cup of her bra down underneath her breast so I can palm the soft mound and run my thumb over her nipple.

  “This is so naughty and dirty. I love it,” Jenny says as I push my hips forward and grind my jean-clad erection between her legs.

  She locks her ankles together right above my ass and uses the muscles of her thighs to pull me harder against her.

  I pull my lips away from her neck and my hand stops its movement on her breast.

  “I totally forgot. I have something for you,” I tell her as I let go of her ass and bend backwards for my bag on the table without breaking our connection or moving my hand from her bare tit.

  I reach the bag and dig inside for the white box, pulling it out and leaning my body back against hers. I hold the box between our bodies and when she sees it, her eyes light up.

  “Ohhhhh, Drew!” she says excitedly as she takes the box from me. I put my hand back on her ass and go back to massaging her boob under her shirt with my other hand while she opens the lid.

  She looks inside and there’s confusion on her face for a moment and I explain.

  “Well, I figured you wouldn’t be in the mood for Skittles for a while after the 'Rainbow of Fruit Flavor'” evening, so I decided to switch things up.”

  Jenny reaches her hand inside the box and pulls out a handful of grape and cherry Dum-Dum suckers.

  “I stuck with the purple and red theme, but this time they have handles on them for easier removal,” I tell her with a wink and a wag of my eyebrows.

  “I love you so much, Drew Parritt!” Jenny tells me as she tosses the box to the ground and wraps her arms around my shoulders, her hand still clutching the suckers.

  “I love you too, Jenny Parritt, my sweet, fuck-hot wife!”

  I hear the rustle of a wrapper behind my head, and Jenny moves one arm in front of me, offering me a lick of a cherry sucker. I wrap my lips around the candy and suck while Jenny twirls the stick, making the candy swirl around my mouth.

  I reach up and wrap my hand around hers, pulling the sucker out of my mouth with a pop and together, we move the candy to her lips. She runs her tongue all around the outside of the candy just like she does with my dick, and I groan as I watch her tongue and lips enjoy the sucker.

  Ten minutes later, we have a slight problem and it involves my pubic hair and a grape sucker.

  “Let me just rip it off, like a Band-Aid,” Jenny pleads, looking frantically toward the door of the room. “They’re going to be here any minute, and I don’t think it would be good if you spent the entire hour with your hand down your pants.”

  I glance at the clock and then back at her. “Well, they would never forget their first class, that’s for sure.”

  After our trip to the emergency room two months ago, we had been approached by one of the doctors and he asked if we would consider doing a sex seminar for married couples once a month at the local community college. We could talk about whatever we wanted, use whatever visual aids we needed. We just needed to teach couples how to have more active sex lives and put a spark back in their marriage.

  “I am not ripping this thing off, do you have any idea how much that would fucking hurt?” I ask her.

  She glares at me and puts her hands on her hips.

  “Oh, yeah, sorry. Forgot about the whole Brazilian thing. Have I mentioned how much I love it, by the way?” I tell her, trying to suck up as best I can. “Maybe you should just suck it off,” I plead with her.

  “We’re in a classroom! I’m not getting down on my knees and putting my face in your crotch five minutes before twenty couples are going to show up,” she complains.

  “You just put your hand down my pants with a wet sucker in a classroom five minutes before twenty couples are going to show up! What the hell is the difference?!”

  Jenny stomps her foot and looks back at the clock in frustration.

  “Oh my God, we have no time! At least take your fucking hand out of your pants!” she yells at me.

  “I’m afraid! If I let go, who knows what will happen down there. At least right now I’m keeping it contained.”

  Jenny wrings her hands in front of her and whips her head around when we hear a voice.

  “Excuse me, are we in the right place? Is this the ‘How to Put the Spark Back in Your Marriage’ course?” a man asks from the doorway, his hand holding onto a woman standing right next to him.

  Yes, I am well aware of the irony in this situation. Not that long ago I had practically stalked a doctor because of his shitty self-help CD with the same title. I play nice though and
sent him and his wife an invitation to our first class. Unfortunately, due to the restraining order, they are unable to attend.

  Jenny turns around and flattens her body against mine, blocking me from the couple's view.

  “YES! Yes, welcome! Go ahead and take your seats. We’re just discussing some last minute lesson changes,” Jenny tells them before turning back around to face me.

  “Pull that fucking thing off, right now!’ she whispers angrily.

  “NO! It’s going to take a layer of skin with it! You have no idea how tangled it is right now!” I whisper back.

  I look over Jenny’s shoulder and see two more couples entering the classroom and taking seats, talking amongst themselves.

  While I’m busy looking, and before I realize what she’s doing, Jenny sticks her own hand down my pants, wraps it around mine, and yanks as hard as she can.

  “MOTHER OF JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE DICK IN A BOX!” I scream at the top of my lungs.

  Jenny and I stand there staring at one another wide-eyed, the grape pubic-hair covered sucker held in both of our hands between us. My lips are quivering and I can feel tears forming in my eyes.

  The pain! Oh my God the pain! It’s like no other I’ve felt before!

  Jenny quickly turns back around to face the class, which is now full and all eyes are staring at us questioningly.

  I chuck the furry sucker into the garbage can under the table and swallow back my tears, hobbling forward so I’m standing shoulder to shoulder with Jenny.

  “Welcome to class, folks! That was just a sample of what we’ll be talking about first this evening. Ways to scream out your pleasure without being boring! Who wants to go first?!” Jenny asks.

  It takes a few minutes, but pretty soon the class is really getting into the question and having fun shouting out their suggestions. Jenny and I turn to face each other while the class is laughing and yelling.

  Some of my dick skin is stuck to a sucker under the table, the people in the emergency room call us by our first names, we’ve been banned from all major appliance stores and local farms, and yet, I wouldn’t change the way our life has turned out for all the hookers and coke in the world.

  “You have GOT to be kidding me?!”

  We break our eye contact and turn to face the door of the classroom, our looks of surprise and confusion mirroring those of the two couples who are hovering in the doorway.

  “Dude, you guys are the teachers?!” Carter asks with a smile as he pulls Claire into the room. “This is going to be fun!”

  The rest of the class has quieted down and is watching our exchange with interest.

  “This is going to be a horror show, that’s what this is going to be,” Liz says as she and Jim follow Carter and Claire down the aisle and find their seats. “Tell me you aren’t going to be using yourselves as visual aids.”

  Jenny reaches down to the table and lifts up a pair of tongs and a bottle of honey.

  “Nope, we’ve got plenty of visual aids,” she tells her with a smile.

  “Drew, get the laser pointer off of my boobs,” Claire says in irritation.

  Jenny turns her head and sees me standing next to her playing with the pen laser light I picked up at the gas station on the way here.

  “Well, Claire, technically this is part of tonight’s lesson. Erroneous Zones and how they can make sex hotter,” Jenny explains as she takes the pointer out of my hand and sets it back on the table.

  “Is anyone else weirded out by the fact that Drew and Jenny are teachers?” we hear Jim ask the rest of our friends.

  “If they were teaching children, yes. But let’s be honest here. This is the absolute best subject for them to teach,” Liz answers with a smile in our direction.

  “Just tell me we aren’t going to be watching any of your home movies,” Claire begs.

  “I don’t know. I’d kind of like to see those,” Carter says with a shrug.

  “Oh, we’ve already seen their home movie. It’s a finalist over at Youporn’s 'Home Movie of the Year Awards',” one of the guys on the opposite side of the room says. “We Googled you when we signed up for the class. Using the pumpkin and the ice cream scoop was genius, by the way.”

  My smile is bigger than ever after hearing those words.

  “Honey, you can Google us!” I tell Jenny, leaning in to kiss the top of her head.

  “Alright, fine. We Googled you too,” Liz admits.

  “Yeah, so did we,” Claire adds.

  “And aside from having to see Drew’s hairy ass, it was pretty hot,” Jim states.

  “It was disturbing-hot and I felt a little dirty after watching it, and I’m not sure I can ever look you guys in the eye ever again, but yeah, pretty hot,” Carter admits.

  “Alright, let’s bring this class to order!” Jenny shouts excitedly. “First, we’re going to discuss items that should never be placed in a vagina unless you are wearing safety goggles and have a pair of needle nose pliers on hand.”

  I wrap my arm around Jenny’s shoulders as she begins the first part of the lesson, holding up items one at a time from the table and giving explanations on where they can be safely inserted without the use of medical assistance or antibiotics.

  While she talks, I glance over at our friends that had decided to sign up for our class even though they didn’t know we were teaching it. No matter how perfect you think someone else’s marriage is, this just goes to show you we can all use a little spark and a little fun in the bedroom to make life more interesting. I couldn’t be happier that our best friends are here with us tonight. It just makes me realize how great my life really is.

  Veronica and Billy are happy and healthy, and our best friends are the greatest people ever. I’m beyond glad we’ve remained friends and raised families with each other. Oh, and I can’t forget our new best friend, Jackson, that we brought into the circle of trust. My fears of him trying to steal my wife are long gone ever since the day he brought his significant other over to our house for dinner. Dave is two years older than him and lives one street over from us. My only worry now is that Jackson and Dave might want me to have a threesome. I’d be honored and shit because, come on, I’m fucking hot as balls and of course they’d want me, but any more than one penis in a bed is too many, and I would have to sadly decline. Luckily, they haven’t asked yet, so I don’t have to worry about the awkwardness.

  I had never thought that night seven years ago when Carter and I went to our new friend Jim’s house for dinner I would meet my soul mate over a plate of lasagna and a discussion on vibrators. Jenny and I…well, I never had a doubt we were meant to be together. She’s my best friend and the best mother and wife there is. No marriage is perfect, but ours is damn near close. And even though we’ve had some troubles, fixing them has been sweeter than any candy I’ve ever eaten.

  Well, except for Vagina Skittles. Vagina Skittles are delicious.

  Epilogue

  Six months later.

  “This is Matt with Channel 3 News, coming to you live from the store that started it all, Seduction and Snacks. Seduction and Snacks has grown far beyond the little corner business that two best friends decided to open together almost eight years ago. With the combination of delicious chocolates, cookies, and sex toys, Seduction and Snacks is the perfect store to satisfy your sweet tooth or your bedroom cravings. We’re here today to speak to the women who came up with this idea, as well as their friends and family who have supported them along the way. Welcome, everyone!”

  Seated in a straight line are all three couples: Carter and Claire, Liz and Jim, and Drew and Jenny. Sitting on the floor by their feet are each of the couple’s respective children: Gavin and Sophia, Charlotte, Molly, and Ava, and Veronica and Billy.

  “Claire, did you ever think that the store you had always dreamed about owning would one day turn into a household name and that you would have locations all over the United States?”

  Claire laughs and shakes her head in disbelief while Carter reaches over and covers
the hand resting on her thigh with his own.

  “This is far beyond my hopes and dreams. Opening just this store by itself was something I never thought would happen. And then to have it take off like it did and to be able to franchise it? I still can’t even wrap my head around it,” Claire states.

  “I know you’ve done several interviews about how you and your husband met, and every time I hear that story, it still makes me smile. How are the two of you handling the success along with raising a family?”

  Carter lifts Claire’s hand to his lips and places a soft kiss on her fingers. Claire stares happily into his eyes before finally turning back to the camera.

  “We’re handling it together, one day at a time. Having the support of such amazing friends and family makes things a lot easier,” Claire states.

  “And we really are pretty amazing,” their friend Drew chimes in from down the row. “Well, except for that punk sitting down there surrounded by little girls.”

  Drew laughs and points at ten-year-old Gavin, who gives him a dirty look.

  “Shut up or I will cut your mother,” Gavin tells him.

  “You don’t talk about Eileen Parrit! Eileen Parrit is a saint!” Drew argues.

  “So, Liz, did you ever think there would be such a high demand for a store that sells sex toys?”

  Jim leans over and places a kiss on Liz’s cheek, and she smiles at the camera.

  “As long as there are people having sex, there will always be a need for sex toys,” Liz tells us.

  “What’s ‘having sex’?” Liz and Jim’s five-year-old, Ava, asks.

  “It’s gross. And people yell like they are in pain. I think it has something to do with killing each other,” Gavin tells her.

  “Ooooh, that’s scary. I’m never having the sex,” Ava replies as she goes back to playing with one of the toys her parents brought for her.

  “Why do they only pay attention when we’re talking about something they shouldn’t hear?” Jim whispers to Liz.

  “Because children are assholes,” Drew whispers back.