by Vivian Arend
“Well, your confusion, and hers, is contagious.” Shaun paced to the window, his shoulders stiff. When he turned it was with more determination than ever. “I’m with you, whatever you decide. I want you to be happy, but I also need you to be the Alpha of this pack. So get it together, or I will make you get it together.”
It was a sign of how far gone Evan was that the blatant challenge didn’t even get his back up. “I’m glad I’ve got you on my side. And I swear, I will find a way through this.”
“Don’t take too long, dude. The clock is ticking.”
Then the fire alarms went off in the pack house for the fifth time that day, once again showing everything was not right in Evan’s world.
Chapter Seventeen
Shaun left, claiming he had something important to do.
Evan needed to get his head on straight, and sitting in an office was not going to do it. Five minutes later, he was pacing down a trail in Riverside Park, fresh air in his lungs, but his mind still fogged over.
He’d reached the end of his rope. The increasingly bad pack situation. Amy shutting him out of her life.
He hadn’t really needed Shaun to point out something was wrong. Evan knew it far too well, he just didn’t know where to start to make it right. If there were some magical fix, he would have promised to wear pixie wings for the rest of his life in exchange.
Evan settled on a bench near the forest, leaning back and staring into the pale blue sky. He needed to think more about this idea he’d had—the one regarding being unable to move past Philip’s death. Had he made the wrong choice back then? How many times since had he made mistakes and ended up hurting others in the process?
It was one thing to have confidence in himself, and another to be an ignorant fool.
The soft pat of a paw against his knee brought him to attention.
A lone wolf sat beside his feet. An ancient creature, his fur turned silvery-white with age. Even though he was older in years, his power remained. Bold and firm, he was obviously an Alpha.
Evan spoke politely. “Hi. Do I know you?”
The wolf shook his head.
Ah. “You’re one of the Canyon pack, aren’t you?”
Amy had warned him again and again her pack members needed something different than the Takhini bunch. He’d kind of thought she was pushing her point too hard, and too often. It wasn’t as if he didn’t know how to slow down and soothe an upset wolf.
But… Just to be sure, Evan took a really, really cautious approach. Held his questions, and instead, sat motionless.
“Please don’t turn around.”
Evan shot upright, shocked to realize someone had snuck up behind him.
“You’re good. I didn’t even hear you.” Evan didn’t sense any malice in the stranger at his back. “Are you a part of Amy’s pack too?”
“Sam’s pack? Yes. That’s Matthias, our old Alpha. She took over for him last year. It was a good change. We love Matthias, but it was time to let someone else take care of us. He needed to rest.”
Evan dipped his head respectfully. “Matthias.”
The old-timer laid his chin on Evan’s thigh.
“Don’t worry, we’re not here to hurt you.” A new voice, female this time.
“That’s reassuring.” If he’d been impressed with Shaun getting the jump on Amy’s sentries before, he was even more impressed with how sneaky her pack were now. “By the way, I never saw either of you coming. Well done.”
“Warn your Beta if he ever trespasses on Canyon land again, we have a roll of duct tape with his name on it.”
Evan chuckled. They might be quiet, but Canyon still had a lovely wolf sense of retribution. “Are we doing this incognito for a reason?”
“It’s not that we mind you knowing who we are, but our faces and our names are less important than what we came to say. When Sam told us the packs needed to join, we didn’t like the idea. No offense, but most of us don’t like you.”
Evan stroked Matthias’s head respectfully. “I’ve kind of picked up on that. But I really am interested in doing all I can to help you, and to be the kind of Alpha you need.”
“The point is, we don’t need you. We’ve got Sam. She knows what our problems are, and we trust her.”
“But you’ve got me, because we’re a pair. It’s not up for discussion. The packs are joining.”
A low murmur of upset rumbled behind him before a feminine voice scolded him. “That’s why we’re here. You say you and Sam are a pair. If you’re talking about wanting to be our Alpha, you have to show us you know how to care for all the people under your watch. We’ll agree you do a great job with the rowdies. But you’re doing a crappy job with Sam. That doesn’t give us much hope you’ll be good for us.”
Not much he could argue about. “I know.”
His confession seemed to take them by surprise, and he waited for their response. The wind picked up, shaking the leaves. One detached from a branch and floated on the air currents, slowly spinning on its way to the ground.
Evan was spinning on the wind as well. Control out of his grasp.
A hand rested briefly on his shoulder. “Matthias wants to talk to you alone, but before we go, we want you to know we’re willing to settle the issues we have with the Takhini crowd.”
“We just want Sam to be happy. And you too, I guess. You need to be happy as well. Because while you’re not nearly as scary when you’re being Mr. Mopey, those adrenaline junkies from the Takhini Asylum need you to be yourself. They’re running rampant.”
No way Evan could keep a straight face anymore. “Mr. Mopey?”
No one answered.
He peeked over his shoulder, but there was no sign of anyone in the area. “Wow. Very impressive, indeed.”
The weight on his leg lightened as Matthias lifted his chin. Evan faced him, wondering how on earth this was going to work. “You’re not really going to talk to me, are you?”
A wolfie smile greeted him as the old-timer sat up straighter and grinned.
Okay, he’d done some strange things over the years, but waiting for a feral old wolf to “talk” to him ranked right up there at the top.
Why the hell not? Things couldn’t get more fucked up than they currently were.
Like Evan expected, no words were exchanged, but he sat and listened with everything he had. Sensing the things the wolf wanted to share—mostly in bursts of emotion that were strong enough for him to pick up without any pack connection at all. Brief flashes of memory hit him, images and ghosts of scent and sound.
The timing was all wrong, but it was also perfectly right. With urgent issues begging for his attention, Evan calmed his soul, closed his eyes, and allowed the old man to reminisce.
Like an old-fashioned movie reel starting up, snapshots of the wolf’s life emerged, mixed with the steady background beat of emotion.
Anticipation. Youthful vigor and hopeful dreams. Traveling north for the gold rush. Finding a home. A people. Settling into a pack. Day-to-day activities that made Evan smile as the young wolf’s world moved forward, one adventure after another.
Contentment. A long life filled with responsibility he’d met the best he could. Joining the pack for a hunt, fur and fang and limbs in motion under a shining moon. Laughter and teasing. Hard labour followed by times of rest. A life lived to the max.
Joy. The strongest emotion yet. Full and satisfying and oh-so-deep. An image flashed of a pretty redheaded woman, and Evan smiled. It had to be the wolf’s mate who had brought him such delight. Sensual pleasures mixed with more laughter, and for a split second Evan was blindingly jealous.
But then…sorrow. Waves of it. Heartbreaking in its intensity, like drowning in unending tears. Everything was gone. Everyone. Evan gasped at the pain the man shared, wondering that carrying the burden hadn’t killed him outright.
The wolf straightened slowly until he looked directly into Evan’s eyes, paws braced on the park bench. The old-timer moved cautiously but brought his nose against Evan’s for a split second before returning all four paws to the ground. His head and tail held high as he disappeared back into the bush.
Evan pushed to his feet. Shaking off the memories before they could knock him to his knees. Instead, he embraced the realization that had flooded in with the message.
It didn’t matter if he’d made a mistake years ago. What mattered was the here and now. Confusion and fear had snuck in, and he’d let them steal the joy he and Amy could have been sharing.
They had been apart for too long. There couldn’t be more secrets between them, either. It was time the past stopped getting in their way. Time he stopped getting in their way.
Because only once he and Amy were truly mates could they find what their future was supposed to look like.
Amy lay curled on the couch in utter misery. She reached into the cookie package, grumbling discontentedly when she discovered nothing left but crumbs.
The three containers of Häagen-Dazs on the coffee table were empty as well.
What a wonderful way to spend an afternoon. Not.
She laid her head on the back cushion and fought the urge to cry. This wasn’t her. She was a strong, powerful individual—
Who was absolutely devastated and lonely.
None of it made sense. Evan wasn’t paying any attention to her now, and while she understood part of it was her own fault, it also wasn’t. She’d never once heard of a mate turning away from another unless they did it deliberately. She’d been hiding, and Evan had let her, and now she didn’t know how to turn things around.
It seemed she knew how to speak everyone’s language except his. The pain in her heart expanded a bit more.
The front door of her house jerked open, and Amy jumped to her feet. Shaun stomped across the room to get in her face. “You’re an idiot.”
It would’ve been funny if she weren’t already on the edge of breaking. “Thanks so much for your unasked-for opinion. Close the door on the way out.”
Shaun shook his head and finger at the same time. “Oh, no, you’re not getting out of this that easily. You’re making him miserable. So you decided not to destroy him financially. Great. Instead you’ll just rip his heart out. That’s so human of you.”
Amy turned her back on him. “You know nothing about what’s going on.”
“I know nothing? Me?” Shaun laughed. “Maybe I don’t have all the details, but if I’m a pot, you’re the kettle.”
“What am I being such an idiot about then? Since you obviously want to tell me.”
Shaun glared. “You say you want what’s best for the pack. That’s all Evan has ever wanted his entire bloody life. Even in the past, before he should’ve had to worry about it, he gave everything for the pack.”
“Not now. He’s doing the things least positive for everyone. It’s as if he sees one solution, and he refuses to try anything else. Hell, he was so out of line he scared one of my pack into moving away.” Colin Wheeler had sent her a farewell note along with word he’d asked for a transfer to Ottawa.
His rapid departure from the area had hurt. She’d failed someone who had given her their trust. Frustration was too mild a word for how devastated her wolf had been.
“If Evan was this stubborn years ago, maybe that’s why he ended up killing innocent people.” It was a shitty thing to say, but she was pushed beyond exasperation.
At her bitter words, Shaun froze. His fists were clenched tight at his hips, and he spoke slowly, attempting to maintain control. “Jeez. Has he still not told you what happened?”
Amy shook her head. “Every time I ask him he insists it’s too soon.”
“Ah, for fuck’s sake.” Shaun dropped onto the couch, his anger cooling. “Don’t I feel like the ass of the century. I thought he’d told you everything, and you were being an ice-bitch.”
“Tell me,” Amy begged, squatting in front of him. “I keep trying to think of a reason I can accept. It’s killing me, being tossed between two minds. I want to trust Evan, but he’s doing his best to frustrate me and, along with me, the packs.”
Shaun shook his head. “I can’t tell you. Don’t get me wrong. Now I want to, more than ever, but that’s his job. Only I agree, he needs to tell you now.”
Amy gave a frustrated snort as she turned away. “Good luck with that. I’ve asked, and I’ve asked, but it seems I’m not to be trusted. Which I understand, but our discord is bleeding into the packs, and I can’t seem to stop it.”
When Shaun spoke this time, his attitude was quieter and less confrontational. “He trusts you on one level. I don’t understand why he’s not trusting you with this.” Shaun looked her in the eye. “I’ll talk to him. But I need to tell you something I know he won’t share. Evan is all about pack. He’s all about everybody else, and not himself. He told you he challenged Kirk a number of times?”
Amy nodded, the tightness in her chest still there. “He challenged his Alpha before he tried anything else. I heard. So what? He said he tried twice, and then the third time he ended up…” She couldn’t say it.
For the first time Shaun willingly laid a hand on hers. “He was only thirteen the first time he made that challenge. Kirk took it as an insult, but the fight was more than expected, and it took Kirk nearly an hour to break Evan’s arm. Two years later when Evan tried again, Kirk had planned ahead. He knew he’d never win in a fair challenge. He had a group of his flunkies, all of them Beta level, beat the crap out of Evan. They left him for dead.”
Agony ripped through her at the thought of a youth that age being so abused. “God.”
Shaun nodded. “He kept trying, Amy. He didn’t succeed in any of the normal ways, and in the end he did what he had to do.”
The Beta rose to his feet.
“Wait.” Amy took a deep breath. “Thank you for telling me.”
“We all have history. It’s part of what makes us who we are.” Shaun shrugged. “I’ve had a pretty easy life of it, really. Sometimes I forget that. Take it for granted.”
Pain hovered, only this time for different reasons. Her troubles, Evan’s, her brother’s lost opportunities. “It’s never easy to leave the past behind.”
Shaun was tugging the front door open before she could say anything else. He paused and turned back to face her where she stood only paces behind him. “For what it’s worth, I don’t hate your guts anymore. Maybe.”
She smiled even though it hurt. “You’re still an ass. But that’s part of what makes you unique.”
He slipped out the door, his laughter fading in the distance.
She stood there, trying to figure out the best thing to do right here and now. She was to blame for some of the trouble. Evan had to take responsibility for some of it as well.
But nothing was going to get accomplished if they weren’t in the same room at the same time. She reached for the phone, her fingers shaking as she hit his number.
He answered on the first ring. “Amy?”
It might be difficult but it was the right thing to do. “Can you come over? I have something to tell you.”
Tires squealed in the background.
“You okay?” she asked.
“No problem. I’ll be there in five minutes.” He hung up before she could say anything else.
Oh boy.
Amy looked down. She’d pulled on comfy clothes to have her pity party, and her worn flannel pyjamas and fluffy slippers made her look about twelve years old.
What the hell. He was coming to see her, not some slinky outfit. In fact, the last thing she wanted was to distract him.
This wasn’t about letting the wolves take charge, it was about finally getting to the truth so they could move forward, or be brave enough to call i
t off altogether. Yes, they needed to get this done for the pack’s sake, but more than that, this was their future happiness on the line.
The thought that it all came down to the next half hour made her more afraid than anything ever had before in her life.
Part Three
Thy life is thine to make or mar,
To flicker feebly, or to soar, a star;
It lies with thee—the choice is thine, is thine,
I answered Her: The choice is mine—ah, no!
We all were made or marred long, long ago.
The parts are written; hear the super wail:
“Who is stage-managing this cosmic show?”
“Quatrains ”—Robert Service
Chapter Eighteen
He stood on her doorstep, the world totally changed from the last time he’d waited for her to answer the door.
This was it. This conversation was either going to break him or turn things around.
The door opened, and Amy stuck her head around the corner. Her big eyes were as mesmerizing as before, but she had dark shadows under them, and everything in him hated the thought he was responsible.
“You have a key,” she murmured.
“I didn’t want to take anything for granted.” He paced past her as she swung the door open and made room.
It was like walking on eggshells, and that was the last thing Evan wanted. “I know you said we should talk. I have some important things to say as well.”
She headed into the living room, tucking herself away in a chair that was too small for him to join her.
How had things come so far, so wrong?
He ignored all the other places in the room he could have sat, instead choosing to kneel at her feet.
Moisture filled her eyes, and she swallowed hard. “Please, don’t.”
He reached for her hands, tangling their fingers. “Don’t what, Amy?”
The utter misery on her face was breaking his heart. “Don’t make this even harder than it’s going to be.”
“What’s so difficult you needed to tell me?”
