Until Now (Not Yet #2)

by Laura Ward

  “I’m grateful that I followed my heart.” She looked at Finn and then at me. “Even when it was scary, I always listened to my heart.” She wiped at her eyes and took another sip of wine. I held her hand under the table until Finn yelled out that he needed his turkey cut.

  “I like mashed taters. Oh, and pie with whipped cream. Oh, and sparkly juice too!” Grace placed a slice of pie in front of each of us and grabbed a can of whipped cream from her fridge.

  “Nobody let me drink this fancy-schmancy sparkling apple juice when I was a kid. I had to drink milk. What a bummer,” I said as I grinned at Finn. Finn had told me that he and Grace shared sparkling cider on holidays to be fancy.

  “Schmancy.” Finn chortled. “That’s funny!”

  Grace approached Finn with the whipped cream. She sprayed a large dollop on his pie. “Open up!” She winked at me, and I watched her spray a mound into Finn’s mouth and a tiny drop on the tip of his nose.

  Finn giggled uncontrollably as he swallowed his extra treat.

  “We’ve started our own traditions,” Grace explained. “Want some?” She laughed and pointed the can to my mouth. “Or should I save it for later?” She winked and bit her bottom lip.

  And… I was hard. I pulled her onto my lap. “Just on the pie for now, Red.” I kissed her neck, and Grace shivered.

  I was ready for later.

  Right now.

  Chapter Twelve

  Grace

  I SANG LULLABIES to Finn as I bathed him and put him to bed. I hadn’t seen my son this happy in a long time. He had never known a holiday with anyone other than me, and having Dean present meant the world to him. My heart hurt when I thought of Christmas, Easter, or next Thanksgiving when it would be just the two of us again.

  Walking back into the kitchen, I saw that Dean had ignored my direction to leave the dishes and had almost finished cleaning up from the entire meal. I wrapped my arms around his back and kissed between his shoulder blades before pressing the side of my face against him. I hummed, a sound of contentment, and Dean stiffened.

  “That feels way too good, Red. You better cut that out.” He turned around, moving me into his arms. “I have some pots and pans left to clean.”

  I reached up to kiss his lips. “I told you not to do the dishes.” I scowled, and he tweaked my nose.

  “At my house growing up, the girls cooked and the guys cleaned. Every holiday. Seems fair to me.” Dean brought his mouth to mine, fusing our lips together. Then he swung me around, sitting my butt on the kitchen counter.

  “Why didn’t you tell me you and Finn were alone?”

  I closed my eyes. My head felt dizzy and hot at the thought of what I had to tell him. “Kiss me first?” I whispered and opened my eyes. “I’ll tell you my whole story, but first I need to be kissed.”

  Dean’s eyes darkened. He ran his hand up my neck and into the back of my hair. I tilted my chin up, and he pressed his lips to mine. My mouth opened, and I traced the edge of my tongue along the seam of his lips. His mouth opened to me, and I tasted him, sucking on his tongue. We both moaned, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, trying to get even closer. My hands moved up his chest and around his neck.

  Dean pulled away and dragged his mouth to my neck, kissing and sucking my skin along the way. “The things I want to do to you, Red.” He bit my earlobe, and I moved my hips closer, rubbing against him. He groaned at the contact. My body was hot and needy and vibrating with lust for this man. “But we need to talk. Let me in. Let me know you.”

  I nodded, my eyelids heavy from my own desire. He lifted me off the counter and carried me into the living room. Dean sat on the couch, keeping me straddling him. He sat back and studied my face.

  It was time.

  “Josh was my high school boyfriend. He’s the only guy I ever dated.” Dean nodded and laced my fingers with his. “We slept together for the first time in the fall of our senior year of high school. Josh was depressed. He would go through bouts of pretty severe depression.”

  Dean’s eyebrows pinched together. “What do you mean?”

  “At first it was little things, like always finding the fault in situations. You know? He always saw the glass half empty to my half full. But then he’d get angry that I would see the good in situations.”

  Dean swallowed before asking, “Did he ever… hurt you?”

  I placed my hand on my breastbone and could feel my racing heart. “Not physically. But emotionally he was a tough guy to love. Quick to anger, slow to reason with, and often despondent. As a teenager I didn’t realize he was depressed. I thought it was me and that I bothered him or irritated him. So I was always trying to be better. More resilient. More loving.”

  Dean leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “Red, no one should ever make you, of all people, feel like you need to be more anything.”

  I smiled at him, and tears formed at the corners of my eyes. “My family is very religious. Ultraconservative. I promised my parents, my dad in particular, that I would never have sex before marriage.” The tears welled up in my eyes and traveled down my cheeks. “But Josh wouldn’t stop asking. He told me it would prove my love to him.”

  Dean unlaced our fingers and used his thumbs to brush away my tears. He didn’t say anything, but his big blue eyes were full of sorrow.

  “So we had sex. It wasn’t good, but it pleased Josh. He seemed more… settled.” I took a shaky breath and moved off Dean’s lap. I sat next to him, wrapping my arms around my legs and resting my chin on my knees.

  Dean’s jaw was clenched tightly, but he allowed me my space. “I discovered I was pregnant in February.” I closed my eyes and let the emotions of that time wash over me. The fear and confusion had left me paralyzed.

  “What happened when you told him?” Dean spoke through gritted teeth. His body was taut, and his hands were in fists at his sides.

  I opened my eyes. “That’s the weirdest part, Dean. I asked him to meet me at my house, and when I told him, I expected him to freak out. I expected him to yell or to cry or to blame me. But he didn’t.” I pressed my lips in a firm line and inhaled a long breath through my nose. “He calmly stated that he would have to stay home from college and get a job. He said his parents would be devastated and furious with him. But that was it. Then he left.” I swallowed back a sob, and Dean pulled me, curled in a ball, back onto his lap.

  “And then?”

  I looked into Dean’s eyes and spoke the hardest words I’d ever had to say. “He went home and shot himself with his dad’s handgun. No note, no explanation.”

  “I’m so sorry, Grace. I’m so, so, sorry,” Dean whispered as he kissed the top of my head.

  I got up from his lap and walked over to the window. I took some deep breaths before I could go on. “I think it was the pressure and the realization that he had let his family down. I think that and the ongoing depression were what made him snap.” I looked over my shoulder, and Dean sat with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped together, watching me.

  “Whatever it was that made him take his life, I don’t believe he knew how much pain he’d leave behind. His parents lost their child, and his child lost his father. And me?” My throat tightened from the pressure of holding back my sobs. “I’ll never forgive myself.”

  “Forgive yourself for what?”

  I kept my back to him, shielding him from the tears that ran down my face. “For getting pregnant. He didn’t need any extra pressure from me. I should have told him he could go on to school and I’d handle everything. I should have told his parents so they could watch out for him. I should have… saved him.”

  Dean jumped up and walked over to me, placing his hands on my shoulders. “Grace, this is not your fault. Mental illness is a disease. It’s not something Josh had control over, and it’s sure as hell not something you could have prevented. Especially not as a teenager.”

  I wiped my tears away and then turned to face him. I wanted to believe what he said, but the guilt was too strong.
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br />   “I still don’t understand why you’re alone, Red. It sounds like Finn has two sets of grandparents.” Dean asked in a low and wary voice.

  My responding laugh was hard. “He does. But they want nothing to do with either of us.”

  He gripped my hands in his, voice trembling. “What the fuck do you mean?”

  “I had to tell Josh’s parents that I was pregnant right away. They were searching for answers and… well… I knew that was the catalyst for his actions.” I looked at the floor, my shame keeping me from meeting Dean’s eyes. “They blamed me completely. His mom told me I was a whore and that I had tempted Josh into sin, and his guilt caused him to kill himself. They said my baby was evil and the reason for the death of their son.” Tears streamed down my face in rivers. I clasped my hand over my mouth as my stomach roiled. For a moment I thought I might get sick.

  Dean walked away from me. This was too much for him. He didn’t need to be burdened with my past. I sobbed into my hand, and when he turned around, his eyes blazed with heat. He engulfed me in his arms, his lips right near my ear. “I want to kick somebody’s ass, Red. I’m holding back with every part of me to keep from losing it right now. Those people are the worst kind of motherfuckers. I get that they were grieving, but blaming you? Blaming… Finn? No wonder you can’t let your guilt go.” His voice cracked, and he pressed my body against his.

  We held each other for a few minutes until our breathing slowed. “I’m scared to fucking death to even ask this, but what about your parents?”

  I pulled back. Dean’s eyes were red as they darted back and forth between mine. “I told you before that my parents were religious, right?” He nodded. “They demanded my celibacy. So when I broke that promise, I broke their hearts. They told me that.” Dean closed his eyes, and I watched his Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed. “Most shocking of all was their insistence that I have an abortion.”

  Dean reared back. “The fuck?”

  I nodded. My nausea continued, and my head throbbed. Sweat coated my palms, and I rubbed them on the legs of my jeans. “They were mortified that I would bring shame to them and to our church. They told me to get an abortion and then to repent for my sins. My mom even suggested I leave the country and do mission work.”

  Dean stared at me, and I watched the blaze in his eyes turn to ice.

  “Of course I refused to have an abortion. I loved my baby from the moment I knew he or she existed. I also felt that my child was the last piece of Josh I had. As mad as I was with him for leaving us, I would never kill our child. I turned eighteen and graduated from high school in May, which made me a legal adult. I outright refused an abortion, and so they threw me out. My parents told me they never wanted to see me again.”

  Dean’s face contorted. I felt the need to comfort him. I had had more than four years to accept my story. I had moved on.

  I had Finn.

  I grabbed Dean’s hands and held them in my own. His big body shook. I wasn’t sure if it was from anger, sadness, or both, but seeing him absorb my pain left me weak in the knees.

  “You don’t have siblings? Aunts or uncles that you could go to? Grandparents?” he asked.

  I shrugged. “Josh and I were only children. My grandparents died years ago, and I’m not close to any aunts or uncles. It was just me.”

  “How did you? What did you? Fuck, Red. I’ve got to sit down.” Dean walked over to the couch, and I went back to the kitchen, returning with the wine bottle and our two glasses. I refilled both and handed him one.

  He took a long drink. “I’m not really a wine guy. I drink a fuck lotta beer though.” I laughed, and his face relaxed. “This stuff’s not half bad.”

  I sipped my wine and nodded. “I can’t afford to buy any alcohol, so this is a treat. I’m not going to lie—it’s real helpful to have wine to drink when I’m telling this story.”

  Dean took a deep breath and then another long drink before placing his glass on the coffee table. “What happened after they kicked you out?”

  “I took charge of my life. I had no choice. I packed up my stuff and took a bus to IU. As soon as I got here, I met with the Dean of Undergraduate Affairs and explained my story. It helped that I already had a full ride to IU on a business scholarship. I was able to change my living arrangements and get this apartment in the family-housing section of campus.”

  Dean held one of my hands in between both of his. “I didn’t know there was a family section until I met you.”

  “There aren’t many students with babies here, but at least there was a place for us to go. This apartment building is also open year-round, so for a small fee I could stay in the summer. The Dean helped me apply for placement at IU’s Early Childhood Center for daycare as well. I was due in late September, so we figured out that I could take a few online courses during my fall semester so that I could qualify for housing. Finn started daycare in the spring, and I returned to school full time. It’s taken me an extra year to get enough credits, but I’ll graduate this May.” My chin tilted up, and I smiled. I was damn proud of that fact. I would graduate, and I would be able to take care of my son.

  “Holy shit.” Dean sat back on the couch and whistled. “Girl, I knew you were something, but hell, Red. That is the most amazing thing I’ve ever heard.” He leaned forward and cupped his hands around my face, kissing the corners of my lips and resting his forehead against mine. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

  Those dang tears were back, pricking at my eyes.

  “How have you gotten the money you needed? Loans?” Dean’s voice was soft. He rubbed his nose on mine, and my body lit up. I was drained from telling my story, but I needed the contact and connection that only Dean gave me.

  “Mmm-hmm. I have a small student loan for emergencies. Mostly I get money for daycare and expenses from working at Maria’s.” I pulled back and asked, “Have you met Sylvie?”

  Dean laughed, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Umm, yes. She told me to stay the hell away from you.”

  “She’s overprotective.” I giggled. “She owns Maria’s. I applied for a job there as soon as I put my boxes down in my apartment. Sylvie took me under her wing. She has always arranged my work schedule around my classes. She shopped with me at thrift stores for baby stuff and clothes. She’s even babysat Finn for me.” I smiled and played with Dean’s long fingers, tangling them with my small ones.

  He was quiet for a moment, and then he narrowed his eyes. “Was she with you when Finn was born?”

  I held my breath for a second. “No. I was alone. But then I had Finn, and I was never alone again.”

  Dean closed his eyes and breathed out a curse. “I’m sorry you were by yourself when Finn came into the world. But I’m happy you’ve had a friend like Sylvie.”

  “Sylvie has been a true godsend. She sends me home with food every day. We would never have made it without her.” I raised our entwined hands and kissed the back of Dean’s hand.

  He stiffened. “I’ve seen you leaving with a big bag. That’s your and Finn’s food?” He swallowed hard, and I frowned.

  “Don’t start feeling sorry for me, Dean. The point is we’ve made it. Finn and I have made it all by ourselves. And with Sylvie’s help. Heck, she’d be here for holiday dinners too, but she goes to visit her sister, Maria, in Florida.” I smiled and rubbed my finger along Dean’s furrowed eyebrow. “Stop worrying. We’re fine.”

  Dean growled and flipped me onto my back, his hands behind my head to cradle me. “You gotta stop saying ‘fine.’ I get it, Red. I get that you’re taking care of yourself and Finn. But you gotta know what hearing all this does to me. I don’t want you to just be fine. I want to hurt people, make them pay for what they’ve said to you. I want to shake the shit out of anyone who missed the chance to see you as a mom and to love that little dude.” He kissed along my jaw and up my cheek, over to my mouth. “Mostly, though, I want to kiss you all over and show you how much more than fine I think you are.”

  I
took off my now smudged-with-tears glasses and put them on the table next to the wine. “Mmmmm, follow your instincts, football god. Let’s go with the last option. Kiss away.”

  Dean chuckled and brought his mouth to mine, our tongues twisting and tangling together. We kissed and kissed, stopping to suck on a lip or neck only so we could catch our breath.

  “Dean.” I threw my head back, giving him unfettered access to my neck. His tongue dragged up, and my core clenched. I was trembling again but this time with desire.

  “Hmm?” Dean murmured into my skin, and I laughed. He picked up his head, and his eyes twinkled. I was so glad to see the anger had melted from them.

  I dragged my hands through his sandy-blond hair, and he placed his chin on my chest, looking up at me. “I want you to spend the night with me.” Dean jolted and sat up. I moved and sat cross-legged next to him. “But not tonight. I’m not sure where we’d sleep. The couch is too small.” I laughed, but Dean’s face was stone at the reminder of my bed. I kissed his lips and stroked his jaw. “I also need to talk to Finn and tell him that we’re dating. I mean… are we? Dating? I didn’t mean to pressure you—”

  Dean cut me off with a kiss so deep my toes curled. “Fuck, yes. To it all. I want to date, but I want more. I want you to be my girl. I mean l already feel like you are. Jesus.” Dean ran a hand through his hair and chuckled. “I’ve always been kind of smooth around the ladies, Red. Just ask my buddies.” He cupped my face with one hand. “But around you, I’m lost. I can’t find the right words, and I feel like an idiot.”

  I opened my mouth to argue his point, but he stopped me with another kiss. “Talk to Finn when you’re ready. I’ll spend the night the minute you think it’s a good idea. You lead here, Red. I’ll follow.” He bit my bottom lip and pulled it out, sucking it into his mouth before letting it go. “In this instance. But in other ways—” He dragged his other hand down, lightly skimming my breast. “I’m in charge.”