Until Now (Not Yet #2)

by Laura Ward

  “Merry Christmas everybody!” Daisy greeted our group, propping a hip against the kitchen counter.

  Everyone greeted her back, but Jon caught my attention. He stared at Daisy with a strange intensity. I really hoped Dean missed it.

  “Are you checking out my little sister?” Dean bellowed at Jon and smacked the back of his head.

  Landon burst out laughing as Jon rubbed the back of his head. “No, man. Chill out.”

  Daisy cringed and then blushed. “Thanks, Dean. Always an asshole.” She turned on her heel and left the kitchen.

  Dean cracked the knuckles on each of his hands. “Stay away from my sisters, man-slut,” he spoke in a low warning voice to Jon.

  Jon tightened his jaw but said nothing. I thought that a wise move myself.

  “Dean, do you leave for Orlando soon?” Landon asked, in a much-needed subject change. He rubbed Emma’s back as she snuggled against him.

  “Yeah.” He looked my way and frowned. “Day after tomorrow. They want us there a few days early to acclimate and practice. Grace and Finn come a few days later, and we’re doing Disney.”

  “Oooo! I love Disney World! You have to buy Finn mouse ears.” Amy spoke with excitement.

  “Anything he wants,” Dean answered Amy. “Then after the senior bowl game at the end of January, I’m off to train in Arizona before the Scouting Combine. After the combine I’ll be crazy too.”

  “Right. Training and stuff with your agent?” Jon piped in, popping the top on another beer.

  Dean sat back and folded his hands behind his head. “That’s just the tip of it—”

  “That’s what she said!” Jon and Landon yelled in unison. Emma and I groaned, and Amy narrowed her eyes, looking at Emma and then at me.

  “Ignore them.” I hoped to distract her from the double birdies Dean was waving at his friends.

  Dean stood up and filled a bowl with chili. “I’ve got meetings about endorsements, face-to-faces with coaches. Tons of shit going on.” He moved back to the table and kissed the top of my head. “Gonna miss my Red and her Finn.”

  “You do your thing. I’m working on graduating this spring. Amy will be there to help me with Finn.” I looked over, and Amy’s face had erupted in an ear-to-ear smile. “We’ll be here when you have time. Don’t worry about us.”

  He leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine. “Always worry, baby.”

  I felt my face burn. With embarrassment, with love, with passion.

  I burned for him.

  ***

  THE DRIVE TO Noblesville took less than forty minutes. I spent that time clutching one of Dean’s large hands in both of mine. We listened to music and discussed the trip to Florida. Dean was trying to distract me, but nothing could take my mind off seeing my parents for the first time in five years.

  Dorothy and Dale were watching Finn for the morning. They had asked to take him to a movie, and his leap in the air was all the affirmation they needed. I trusted that he was in good hands, and that was at least one less worry on my mind.

  The house looked the same. I grew up in a small brick rancher with a white front porch. Through the bay window lights from their Christmas tree twinkled. My mom liked to decorate the outside of the house, but there was nothing festive there today.

  Dean parked along the side of the road and turned off the engine. “You sure about this?” I continued to clutch his hand in mine. With his other hand he tucked a lock of hair behind my ear.

  “Yes.” I cleared my throat. “I need to do this.”

  “Okay, Red.” Dean brushed his lips against mine. “Just remember, whatever they say, you’re loved. If they choose not to give you theirs, they’re the stupidest fuckers in the world. But if that happens, I’ll just double mine.”

  “Dean.” I closed my eyes and forced back my tears. “I love you.”

  “I love you, baby.” He kissed me again before he pulled away and got out of the truck. He came around and opened my door, and I hopped down into his arms. We hugged, and I soaked up his love and strength and confidence before we walked up the drive.

  I knocked on the pale-blue painted door and held my breath. My mom was a homemaker, so unless she was at the store, she’d answer. My dad was a mechanic, so I doubted he would be home the day after a holiday.

  The door opened, and my mom stared back at me. She looked so much older. Her short hair was streaked with gray, and her face was wrinkled in places where it had been smooth. She looked thinner, wearing faded blue jeans and a plaid button-down shirt.

  Mom looked at Dean and then again at me. Her face crumpled, and she covered it with her hands. “You’re here. You came back. Gracie,” she sobbed into her hands.

  “Can we talk?” I asked, and Dean wrapped an arm around my shoulder.

  Mom removed her hands from her face and wiped under her red eyes. “Of course, I’m sorry. I’m so rude. Please.” She ushered us into the house “Please, come in and sit down.”

  We sat up straight on the faded plaid couch, Dean’s leg pressing against my own. Dean’s arms rested on the top of his legs, his hands clasped together. He looked on edge and ready to protect at a moment’s notice.

  I could have done this by myself. I was independent and capable, but the fact was, I was so glad I didn’t have to do it alone. Dean was my blessing, and I wanted him with me.

  “Can I get either of you a drink? Your father’s at work.” Mom spoke rapidly. She pulled on her fingers, wringing her hands together.

  I got it. I was scared too.

  “No, thank you.” Dean’s voice was low and while not rude, was not friendly either.

  I shook my head. “Mom, please sit down. We won’t stay long.”

  Mom sat down on the edge of the chair across from us. “No, don’t rush. Take your time.”

  “I—” I looked at Dean and then at my mom. “I’m not really sure where to start.” I swallowed and took a deep breath. “I got your letter asking me to come here. Was this about my son?”

  Mom jolted back. “You have a son?” Her fingers covered her open mouth.

  “Finn. Finn Joshua Yeates.” Dean grasped my hand in his, holding it tight. “He’s the best, Mom. He’s funny and sweet and loves superheroes—” Mom held up her hand, palm facing me, and I stopped talking.

  “I can’t hear this. Not until I say what I need to say.” Mom stood up and walked to the sliding glass door that led to our tiny backyard. “We were so wrong. We judged you and told you not to… to… have him. That was horrible.” She walked over and knelt beside me. She placed her hands on my knees, and I could feel her body shaking. “All because we feared what other people would think of us, having a daughter who got pregnant out of wedlock. Our fear of judgment caused us to lose our only daughter. Judgment is the biggest sin of all, Gracie. I need to ask, no… no. I need to beg for your forgiveness.”

  Tears rolled down her face, but mine hadn’t fallen yet. My body was too tightly wound. My heart was too steeled. I hadn’t expected this. I never thought she would beg for absolution.

  “Then why, Mom? Why if you regret telling me to leave have you stayed away all this time? Why didn’t you come to see me? We’ve been all alone. I’ve raised Finn ALL BY MYSELF.” I shouted the last words, pulling away from Dean and moving past my mom to walk over to those same glass doors. “He’s never had a backyard to play in. We live in a campus apartment. Every single holiday has been spent alone, just the two of us. What I can’t wrap my brain around is why you let that stand? Why you didn’t fix this before now?”

  She wept as she spoke. “Your dad and I fell apart when you left. We convinced ourselves that we were right when we knew in our hearts that we were wrong. We’ve been alone too. Every holiday it’s just been us. We haven’t celebrated or gone to parties. We wanted to punish ourselves the way we punished you.” She got up and walked next to me. “I prayed and prayed about what to do. I’m sure I was wrong, but I convinced myself that if you were open to forgiving us, you’d come home
.” She put her hands on my shoulders and moved me to face her. “Finally I decided to stop being a coward and to write you a letter. And you came home. Your heart and your strength brought you back. I will do anything I can to make this up to you. Will you forgive me?”

  My tears came. They ran down my face, a first start at releasing the pent-up anger and sadness and pain that I carried toward my parents.

  “I’ll try. This is the first step. But I’m going to need time, Mama.” At the sound of her name, the way I always had addressed her, her knees buckled. I grasped her arms to steady her.

  “You called me Mama.” She choked back a sob. “That’s so precious, Gracie. Thank you.”

  “Is Dad on the same page?” I was terrified to hear that he wasn’t, but I needed to ask.

  Mom nodded, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. “He wanted to reach out even before I did. After he got over his anger, he was mortified with what we’d done. It took me longer to be ready to say sorry. He’ll be heartbroken that he wasn’t here. When he hears he has a grandson…” She took a shaky breath. “When can we meet him? I’ll wait as long as you need, but I have to apologize to him too.”

  I held out my hand toward Dean, and he got up and joined me. “Mom, this is my boyfriend, Dean. We’re taking Finn to Florida this week to watch Dean play in his bowl game. After the New Year, Finn and I will be back home in Bloomington. I’ll call you and Dad. Maybe you can visit us there?”

  Mom nodded furiously. “Anything. Whatever is best for you and Finn.” She held out her hand. “Dean, it’s nice to meet you. I’m sure you don’t like my husband or me right now, but I hope over time to earn your trust too.”

  Dean didn’t smile. He held out his hand and shook my mom’s. “I hope so too, Mrs. Yeates.” He released her hand and pulled me close to him. “My priorities are Grace and Finn. If they’re happy, I’m happy.”

  Mom’s smile was small. “You have your priorities in order then.”

  I looked at my watch. “Mom, we have to go. Dean’s parents took Finn to a movie, and I want to be back when they get home.” A flash of pain shot across her face at my words, but she recovered.

  “Of course. Thank you, Grace. Thank you so very much.” We hugged and left. Just like that. Just like that, I made the first step toward forgiving and fixing the most painful relationship of my life. I couldn’t help but think that by opening my hard heart to Dean’s love, I allowed the pain to ease and made room for more good.

  Dean opened the passenger door to his truck. He lifted me in, and when I was eye level with him, he brought his face closer to mine. “As long as I live, I will never forget what I just saw. You are the most incredible woman in the world, Grace. You’re my hero. I’m so damn happy to be able to love you, Red.”

  He kissed me softly and then deeper. My heart beat faster, and my body relaxed.

  I was more than happy to have fallen in love with Dean. I was blessed.

  ***

  DEAN’S TRUCK PULLED into his parent’s driveway at the same time their minivan rounded the corner. We hopped out to meet them, and I bounced on my toes to get warm. Late December in Indiana was brutal. The temperatures were frigid, and the forecast called for snow that evening. Our jackets were in the car, but Dean and I wore thick sweaters. I cupped my hands around my mouth and blew warm air onto them.

  Dale parked the minivan next to Dean’s truck, and Finn leaped out the side door. He walked over with Dale and Dorothy, an enormous smile stretched across his face.

  “Mama, the movie was so good. I laughed and cheered and even got mad at some parts. I ate popcorn and candy and drank root beer. It was the best day ever.”

  Dean chuckled. “Did my old man behave himself? He’s known to steal all the popcorn.”

  Finn shook his head, his expression serious. “No. He did not steal any. He had his own bag.” We all laughed as Dale rubbed his protruding belly.

  “Finn was wonderful, dear,” Dorothy chimed in. She wrapped her arm around Dale’s waist. “This one,” she pointed to Dale with her other hand, “got a bit teary at the end.”

  Dale shot his wife a mock glare. “The daddy dinosaur got hurt. It was sad, and I’m man enough to admit that.”

  Finn and I giggled along with Dorothy, and Dale joined in. Dean took my hand in his, entwining our fingers together and squeezed.

  Finn walked up to us, eyes sparkling with laughter and joy.

  “Are you happy, Super Finn? I smiled down at him.

  He shook his head. Dorothy and Dale stopped laughing. Finn took Dean and my enjoined hands and pulled our fingertips toward the ground, keeping them pressed together. He slowly moved our palms apart and angled our thumbs down toward the ground still touching at the tips.

  He’d made our hands into a heart.

  “Not just happy, Mama. My heart is full. My heart is happy.”

  Dean’s father grunted, and I looked over to see Dorothy wiping her eyes. I turned to Dean, but he was focused on Finn. The two most important people in my life smiled at one another, a look of such complete adoration that my own heart swelled.

  I’d been given two blessings in my life and with those guys by my side—and with their love in my heart, our future was bright.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Dean

  “DO YOU KNOW what we’ve never done?” I poured more champagne into Grace’s glass and then topped off my own.

  She took a small sip. “What haven’t we done?” Her smile was soft and relaxed.

  Organizing a proper Valentine’s Day for Grace took some effort. First I had to convince her that Finn was ready for an overnight with my parents. Finn had been asking for weeks, as had my mom and dad, but Grace was unsure. After one of our marathon late-night talks, she agreed. Next I had to fly into Bloomington and meet with Sylvie to make sure Grace’s shifts were covered. I had also pleaded with Sylvie to help me shop for clothes and shoes for Grace. Not to mention keeping my plans a surprise for Grace was killing me. I told her everything, but I wanted tonight to be special.

  After dropping Finn off with my parents, Grace and I went downtown and checked into our room at the Marriott. As requested, chilled champagne waited for us. Now the difficult part was remembering that we had dinner reservations in an hour. All I wanted at the moment was to fall into bed with Grace and stay there for the next twenty-four hours.

  “Ahem? Earth to Dean.” Grace nudged my leg with her foot. Her toenails were painted a deep, shiny red.

  I closed my slackened mouth, hoping no drool escaped. “Sorry, I was picturing those toes digging into my ass while I’m on top of you later.” Grace gasped, her face flushing, and I winked. “I have a lot of plans that involve your body under and on top of mine, Red.”

  Grace placed her glass on the nightstand and crawled over to me. She took my glass and placed it on the opposite nightstand. “Keep going. Tell me your plans.” She climbed onto my lap, straddling me, and ran her fingers—nails also painted red—through my hair. “I have plans too, you know.”

  Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to hers. “I was going to say we’ve never made love in a real bed. On your couch, in my truck, and on your floor, but not in an honest-to-God bed.” The truck, while visiting my parents over Christmas, was my go-to memory whenever we were separated.

  “Don’t forget the hotel room closet at Disney.” Grace moaned against my lips, pressing our bodies tighter together. God, how did I forget that? I had to sleep in the team block of rooms, but I sure as hell snuck off to her room once Finn was asleep. I was a loud motherfucker, and we quickly realized there was no other choice but the closet. Worked for me.

  “Mmm, and the truck.” Grace touched her tongue along the outer edge of my ear, and I groaned. “Did you like it when I sat on your lap?” She bit my earlobe and whispered, “When I rode you real good like that?” Her hands undid the buttons on my shirt, and her hips moved against me in a rhythm that mimicked what we did that night along a country road, desperate to be together in
private.

  “Fuck, Red.” My body tensed. I was so damn hard. I hadn’t been with her since January. I’d just finished my training for the combine, and although we had mastered phone sex, my hand was no substitute for Grace’s lush body. “I’ve turned you into a bad girl. And I fucking love it.” My hips bucked up to meet hers, and she moaned. Her lips found mine, and we kissed long and hard.

  Shit. Dinner. I pulled her back, both of us panting. “Baby, dinner reservations are in an hour.” I kissed down her throat and along her collarbone. “I bought you a dress and shoes. Let me take you out and feed you. Then I’ll come home and take care of you in bed.”

  She pressed down harder against me. “I can’t make it through dinner.” She pulled my shirt off my shoulders and tossed it aside. Her top was next, and before I could even participate, her bra was flung onto the ground. “Yes,” she hissed when her breasts made contact with my chest.

  Fuck dinner. We’d go late or not at all. “That’s it.” I flipped her onto her back. I kissed her, sucking on her tongue and then her lower lip. I moved down her body, stopping to lick and bite her nipples.

  “Dean.” She arched her back and ran her hands up my arms and around my shoulders. “Please, I need more.”

  I grinned around her nipple. I released it and continued my kisses down her body, grabbing her skirt as I went and pulled it off. Grace lay on the bed in her tiny underwear, red, thank Christ. I moved off the bed and yanked my pants and boxers down before coming right back to her.

  “I’ve missed your taste, Red.” I placed kisses over the top of her panties, and she writhed, grabbing the sheet with her hands.

  She uttered something, but I couldn’t understand her. All I heard was the need and desire in her tone. I felt the same. Long-distance relationships sucked, but in the end, I’d make sure we were together, and I’d give her the life she deserved.