by Kendall Ryan
What she didn’t understand was that it wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t just Cade that had stolen my heart, it was sweet Lily too. They were a package deal in my mind.
I heard a knock at the door, and then the key turning. It had to be Tyson letting himself in.
MacKenzie perked up at the sound. “You better have pizza!” she called.
We both giggled. We’d called him thirty minutes ago begging him to bring us a pizza. Extra cheese, extra pepperoni.
Tyson entered the living room, a pizza box balanced on his hand. “My ladies.” He placed it on the coffee table between us.
“Ty, you are the best,” I said, reaching toward him for a one-armed hug.
“No problem. I’ll go get some plates and napkins.” He headed into the kitchen while MacKenzie and I opened the lid and inhaled the amazing aroma emanating from the box. I was glad to see there wasn’t any lingering awkwardness between Ty and I. I knew he was still pissed over my little fling with Cade, but for now, he was being civil about it.
“Get yourself a glass,” I called in to Ty.
“And bring another bottle of wine!” MacKenzie added.
Without waiting for the plates, MacKenzie and I each grabbed a slice.
After finishing off the large pizza and two bottles of wine we decided to call it a night. I walked them to the door and grabbed for my wallet to pay Ty back for the pizza. I handed Ty a few bills before thanking them for coming.
When I returned my wallet to my purse, my hand bumped something cool and firm. What the—?
I pulled the black bottle from my purse and I held it up to inspect. “The Guardian?” I read the side. “What the hell is this?”
It appeared to be pepper spray. Where in the world…? Oh my gosh. Cade. He’d stuffed something into my purse that night, saying he’d gotten me a gift. I’d forgotten all about it.
I set the offending object on my kitchen island and paced the room. Why did he get me that? Why did he try to act like he cared when he so obviously didn’t?
Without waiting for logic to set in, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed his number. It’d been over a week since the incident, but my newfound liquid courage had provided the fuel needed to make the call.
Despite the late hour, he answered on the first ring.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I barked into the phone.
His low chuckle washed over me, making my insides tremble. “Are you drunk, cupcake?”
Oh, so I was cupcake again? “No!” Yes.
“Then you’re going to have to explain what the hell you’re referring to. I’m at a loss here, doll.”
He needed to cut the sweet nicknames out. Right fucking now. “This spray you snuck in my purse.”
“It’s just mace. I didn’t want to worry about you alone and helpless on your own. Consider it a gift.”
I sucked in a deep breath. “Well for your information, I already have mace. My dad gave me a canister of it a few years ago. It’s somewhere in my kitchen. And I’m not alone. I’ve started seeing Peter again.” Or at least I would, when I returned his phone call.
Cade hesitated a moment, the silence erecting a wall between us. “That was fast. Good for you. But your mace isn’t going to be much of a help stuck inside some drawer and if it’s a few years old, it’s probably expired. Besides, the one I got you is the best one on the market. Keep it in your purse, cupcake.”
I rolled my eyes and jammed the canister back inside my purse. Bringing up Peter’s name didn’t have quite the response I’d hoped for. “I’ve gotta go.” I hit End on my cell, but not before I heard his rich chuckle vibrate through the speaker. Bastard.
I buried my face in my hands, fighting back tears. God, getting over Cade was going to be so much harder than I ever imagined.
The next morning, a pounding headache and the ache of hearing his voice were my only reminders of last night’s activities. I’d been stupid to call him, but it obviously didn’t change anything between us. Then again, what had I expected to happen? For him to beg for me to come back? Not likely. But now that I had opened up contact, I couldn’t get my mind off Cade no matter what I tried.
A long jog around my neighborhood with music blasting loud enough to jar all thoughts from my skull followed by a long hot shower, and then treating myself to my favorite sushi place for lunch. None of it worked. When I got home from my lunch date for one, I was even more down than I was before. Maybe there would always be some strange connection to Cade I would always feel because he was the first guy I really cared about, and the guy I gave my virginity to. Maybe I’d just need to get used to living with the ever-present achy feeling in my chest. God, what a depressing thought.
I picked up my phone and called Peter, reluctantly agreeing to another date just to get my mind off Cade, and then flopped back against my couch.
My laptop sitting next to me gave me an idea. A very, very bad idea.
I clicked a link titled Sebastian and Britney. As I waited for the video to load, butterflies took flight inside my stomach.
The girl was pretty. She looked sweet and normal. I watched Cade’s latest video—the one he’d probably made after waking up in bed with me—with tears streaming down my cheeks. What he did wasn’t a simple screw up. It was an unforgiveable mistake that was on the Internet for everyone and their brother to see. And there could be no denying it was him, especially with such a unique tattoo crawling up his shoulder.
I watched in horror as he placed her in the center of the bed and began kissing her. When he moved between her thighs, my stomach knotted and I forced my eyes closed. I knew it was a bad idea to watch this, to see it with my own eyes, knowing it would likely be burned into my brain forever, but somehow I couldn’t stop. I fast forwarded the video until they were fully intertwined, needing to see if his love-making with her was anything like it was with me.
What I saw made my jaw hit the floor. His strokes into her were hard and fast. He’d been holding part of himself back with me, that much was clear. I couldn’t believe that at one time watching Cade’s video had turned me on—now it just pissed me off. The image of him moving against her almost made me vomit. I slammed my laptop closed and ran from the room. I collapsed in a heap in the center of my bed and sobbed, hugging a pillow to my chest, begging the pain to go away. But all I saw when I closed my eyes was Cade’s lustful expression as he drove into her.
• • •
“Oh, hell no. I will cut a bitch.” MacKenzie sauntered across the bar to where a group of girls were climbing onto the barstools we’d been waiting twenty minutes to occupy.
“It’s fine, Kenz.” I gripped her elbow, pulling her back from the scene she was about to create. “We’ll find another table.” Or we could just go home. After the second week of my moping, MacKenzie and Ty decided to host an intervention. It began with some pre-drinks at my apartment, and had moved on to some crowded bar. I immediately got flashbacks of the last time we’d been out. You know, the night I spilled the beans of my virginity and when Cade had stepped into my life.
“No. We need to find a table near the pool tables.”
I had no idea what was up with her insistence—none of us played pool. “Those people are leaving.” I pointed across the room.
“Sweet!” MacKenzie practically sprinted, elbowing people out of her way as she crossed the room.
Jeez. I didn’t know what had gotten into her, but Tyson and I dutifully followed. I climbed up on the stool and placed my purse on the sticky tabletop. It felt good to give my feet a break. Why I’d decided to wear heels tonight was beyond me, especially when all I felt like doing was lying in bed in my pajamas. After ordering another round of drinks, Tyson let out a groan.
“What now?” I turned in the direction he was looking, but his hands gripped either side of my face, stopping me.
“No, Lex. Don’t look.”
What in the world?
I removed his hands from my face and spun in the direction he and
MacKenzie were both staring.
Oh.
Cade was here.
A mix of emotions rushed through me at the sight of him—everything from anger, to resentment, to desire. Damn traitorous body.
Cade and a male friend were racking a set of balls in the center of one of the pool tables and keeping up an easy banter between them.
I hated that his presence alone had the power stop my breathing and send my heart lurching in my chest, like my body knew we were sharing the same oxygen and was rebelling against the idea.
Cade was laughing, but when he looked up and caught my eyes his smile fell. I wondered if he’d come over and talk to me, and then wondered how I would feel if he didn’t. He said something to his friend, whose gaze cut to mine. He cracked the slightest smile, as if in understanding, and shoved Cade in my direction. Refusing to budge, Cade remained planted near the pool table, his eyes looking anywhere but at me.
MacKenzie, smiling confidently, straightened in her chair. “Now everyone, let’s not freak out. So Cade’s here.” She shrugged. “So what if he happens to be at the same bar as us. It’s no big deal.”
“You little sneak! You didn’t!” MacKenzie’s utter lack of surprise at seeing Cade tipped me off. She’d set this up.
Tyson glanced anxiously between us, unaware of what he had missed.
“It wasn’t your place to interfere. God, did you tell him I wanted to see him?” I buried my face in my hands.
MacKenzie leaned closer, placing her hand on my arm. “Of course not. Listen, you need to man up. I just told him we’d be here tonight, and if he wanted to see you, if he still had any feelings for you at all, he should show up around nine in the billiards room.”
“You idiot, Kenz. It doesn’t work this way. I need my distance…” Hell, I needed to never think of him again, not that that was working.
Ty patted my back. I knew this was all MacKenzie’s doing, so I couldn’t be mad at him. “Fine. If he’s here, then I’m leaving.” I grabbed for my purse and went to push back from the table.
“No, Lex. If you leave, it’ll be like announcing that you can’t handle being around him.”
I huffed loudly. “I can’t. That’s the point.”
She gave my hand a squeeze. “He doesn’t need to know that. Don’t let him drive you away. Don’t let him win. You’re stronger than that.”
Am I though? I sighed and set my purse back down. “Fine. If I’m staying I’m getting ridiculously drunk then, and you’re paying for my drinks.”
Ty groaned and shook his head.
“Now that is something I can work with.” MacKenzie smiled and signaled the waitress for a round of shots to go with our other drinks.
After several rounds of drinks and watching Cade from the corner of my eye, I noticed he was approaching our table.
Oh crap. Act normal, act normal!
Ty fixed a hand on my forearm. “Don’t, Lex. Not again, not with him.” His eyes pleaded with me.
Cade sauntered up, offered a friendly nod to MacKenzie, narrowed his eyes at Tyson, then turned his gaze on me. “Hi, Alexa,” he said, deep voice raspy over the words.
My heart lurched again.
“Maybe we should give you guys a minute to talk,” MacKenzie squeaked, rising from her barstool and shooting Ty a let’s go look. “I’ll go keep your sexy friend company.” She glanced in the direction of Cade’s dark-haired, muscular-as-hell friend standing alone at the pool table, drinking a beer. “What’s his name?”
“Ian,” Cade answered, his eyes not wavering from mine. Once my friends had deserted me, Cade moved in a step closer. “How have you been?” He scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck.
That was a dumb question. But I wasn’t about to admit how I’d fallen apart over our split. “Fine. And you?”
His eyes narrowed, searching mine. I knew he could see right through my hollow answers, but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of letting him know how much I missed him. “I’ve been better,” he admitted.
I shook my head, surprising myself by laughing. The giggle bubbled up from my throat and escaped, despite my intentions to play things cool. “You’re a piece of work, you know that? Sex means something to me. It might not to you, but…” I waved him away. “Just leave me alone. I don’t want to talk to you.”
He caught my wrist and held it. “Let me explain something to you, cupcake.” He’d never pronounced my nickname with such venom, and I hated to admit that it stung. He leaned in closer to my face, just inches away from me. “Sex for money has no emotion. It’s like being at work—it’s hard, you’re tired, sweaty, you just want to finish, but you can’t. You have to keep faking the whole fucking act until some asswipe director tells you to come. On command. You try doing that with lighting techs shining bright lights in your face, and a sound guy with beer belly holding a microphone over you while sporting a fucking erection—it’s not all that much fun. Believe me. I’m sure as shit not proud of it. But you know I’d do anything for that little girl.”
“Lily? What does that have to do with Lily? If you’re twisted enough to turn this into some chivalrous act to protect your little sister, you’re more deranged than I thought.” He still had my wrist in his grip, and I pulled it away from him. “Let me go,” I ground out through gritted teeth. I slid from my stool and escaped to the bathroom.
CHAPTER 20
* * *
Cade
Damn, just the sight of her and my resolve was weakening. I was two seconds away from dragging her off caveman-style to make her tell me what was on her mind when she cut out on me.
Alexa’s genuine surprise at seeing me told me that MacKenzie hadn’t told her I’d be here. Dammit. I couldn’t believe I’d fallen for that shit about Alexa being miserable without me. She didn’t look miserable, she looked gorgeous. So much so it was like a kick to the gut, ripping the air from my lungs and making it difficult to breathe. But hearing the bitterness in her words, seeing the glaring anger in her eyes was like a stark warning to stay the fuck away from her. Too bad I couldn’t. Not anymore.
Her absence left an aching hole in me and I wasn’t afraid to admit it. Now if I could just think of a way to convince her that I was worth her time. But getting her to trust me again? The death glare she had shot me told me I was going to have an uphill battle. But it was a battle I was ready to conquer. She was worth everything, and I wouldn’t stop until she was mine.
As I watched her disappear into the restroom, my determination to not let her go increased two-fold. This tension between us needed to be extinguished. I stalked off to the restroom after her. She’d been the one to storm off the morning after we’d share the best fucking sex of my life and I knew there was nothing I could have said that would have made her stay, but tonight I refused to let her run again without telling her exactly what was on my mind and in my heart.
I pushed open the door to the ladies’ room and thankfully found it empty. In the silence of the space I heard soft sobs coming from the stall at the end of the row.
“Lexa?” I tapped softly on the door. “Can we start over? We need to talk about the morning you left after the incredible night we shared.”
She sniffed. “There’s nothing to talk about, Cade. The damage is done. I can’t move past this.”
My shoulders sagged. Could this thing between us really be damaged beyond repair before it really got the chance to begin? God, I hoped not.
A group of girls pushed their way inside the restroom, giggling and chattering. “Hey, you can’t be in here,” one of them called. “You have two seconds to get out.”
I knocked on Alexa’s door more insistently. “Come on, let me in.”
Silence.
“Cupcake?” I pleaded, my voice softening. “Please.”
The lock turned. I didn’t wait for her to open the door. I pushed it aside and was suddenly face-to-face with her in the tiny stall. The dark circles beneath her eyes told me she might not be faring as well as
she was letting on. I traced a single fingertip over the hollow under her eye. “You sure you’ve been okay?”
She swallowed, stiffening under my touch. “I can’t do this again, I’m sorry.”
“I am too.” I cupped her jaw, leaning closer to place a soft kiss against her mouth.
She let out a tiny whimper, and a pulse of desire shot straight down my spine. God, why did I have to fuck things up with her? She was perfect. She hadn’t yet pushed me away so I leaned in again and met her mouth, this time parting her lips to taste her. My tongue sought hers out, not satisfied until she returned my kiss. She might have been mad at me, but her body still responded like I remembered—sensual and needy. Fuck, I was already hard. I pushed my hips into hers, pinning her against the wall and brushed my erection up against her belly.
She brought her hands to my chest and pushed me back. “I can’t.” Her voice was weak, but her eyes were determined.
I wanted to push her, and knew I probably could. But she’d hate me even more in the morning if I did that. “What can I do?” I asked.
“There’s nothing you can do.” She stepped around me and left the stall, leaving me rock hard and sorely disappointed at the sight of her walking away from me yet again.
• • •
Why my bed suddenly felt so cold and empty without Alexa was beyond me. I normally had no trouble sleeping, typically falling into bed completely exhausted after a long day at work and sleeping soundly until my alarm sounded in the morning. Now I lay in bed, watching the blades of my ceiling fan turn, wondering if I’d done the right thing letting her walk away. I didn’t know if she would have listened if I’d tried to stop her. And hell, putting myself in her shoes, I would not be okay with her shooting porn—even the pretend fake humping I’d done. It’d been wrong. And worse, it had hurt Alexa. How could I expect her to forgive me when I couldn’t even forgive myself for what I’d done?
Since Alexa had been gone, food had lost its flavor. Days blended into weeks. And it felt like I couldn’t do a single thing right when it came to Lily anymore. I had no idea what was so difficult about making meatballs, but Lily made sure to point out I was doing it wrong—that this wasn’t how Lexa did it—with that, and with other things too. Everything I did was wrong these days.
