Losing You

by Nicci French

  ‘Here,’ I said, handing him a tissue from my pocket. He took it and pressed it to his mouth. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair damp against his forehead.

  ‘I’ve never seen a dead body before.’

  ‘You’re quite sure you didn’t know her?’

  He closed his eyes. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Here are the police, anyway. Two cars.’

  ‘What happened to her?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I said, thinking of the red marks on her throat, her blue lips.

  ‘Can I go home now?’

  ‘They’ll want to talk to you as well. You’d better ring your parents, tell them what’s happening.’

  ‘Yeah,’ he said, but made no move.

  I stood by the gangplank and raised my hands as the cars approached, their headlights cutting into the gathering darkness. ‘This way,’ I called as DI Hammill got out, followed by Andrea Beck and, from the second car, Mahoney and a small, balding man I hadn’t seen before but who was already pulling on white gloves.

  They walked towards me over the scrubland in the grey winter dusk, four figures in thick jackets and stout shoes. They cast an air of grim professional seriousness, all affability and comfort gone. No one said anything, and I could hear only the wind in the bushes, the waves foaming over the mud and grit of the shore and the menacing shriek of gulls. DI Hammill walked calmly across the gangplank, his skinny body upright and unwavering; DC Beck tottered more uncertainly behind him. They both wore white plastic covers on their feet.

  ‘Will you two wait on the shore, please?’ Hammill asked. ‘I’ll be with you shortly.’

  In the distance I saw another set of headlights making its way towards us. All four police officers were on the deck now. One by one, they bowed their heads and entered the cabin. I thought of the girl lying there, gazing at them sightlessly as they bent over her, and shivered violently.

  I opened my mobile, and selected a number, watching the scene in front of me all the while.

  ‘Ashleigh?’

  ‘Nina? Have you found her?’

  ‘No, but –’

  ‘What can have happened?’ she said, in a wail. ‘What do you –’

  ‘That’s what I’m trying to find out,’ I said.

  ‘Did you talk to Laura?’

  ‘Yes. Listen, I need to ask you something.’

  ‘Yes? What is it? Oh, and my mum says if there’s anything she can do to help you’re to tell her. She says she’s sure it will turn out to be –’

  ‘A few weeks ago, you and Charlie went to a party.’

  ‘I dunno, we often go to parties or –’

  ‘This one was towards the end of November. Jay was away on an exchange and the two of you went together. Remember?’

  ‘I think so. I wouldn’t know about the date, though.’

  ‘Whose party was it?’

  ‘Rosie’s. Rosie and her older brother, Graham.’

  ‘Where do they live?’

  ‘Next door but one to the pub on Sheldrake Road.’

  ‘Were you with Charlie most of the evening?’

  ‘On and off.’

  ‘Who was she with?’

  A shadow fell across me. Jay was standing beside me, listening. I half turned away from him, but was conscious of him there.

  ‘With?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You mean, like, a boy?’

  ‘Yes. Tell me.’

  ‘I wasn’t around her all evening.’

  ‘You were with someone yourself?’ I could hear my voice: cool, crisp, bossy, brutal.

  ‘This isn’t really… No, I wasn’t.’

  ‘Ashleigh, I swear this doesn’t matter to me, not a scrap. I just want – I need– to know who Charlie might have been with that evening.’

  ‘I think there was someone,’ she mumbled. ‘Or maybe there was. But I don’t know who. Charlie didn’t say. I’d tell you if I did know, honestly. You have to believe me. But the thing is, I wasn’t with her most of the time. I was a bit – you know – I’d had a bit to drink, and then it was very crowded and dark, with these strobe lights and a disco. Lots of dancing and people jostling each other and laughing and shouting things at each other. It got a bit out of hand. A bit scary. Rosie was in floods of tears and saying how her father was going to have a fit when he saw the mess. Charlie kind of disappeared on me. I don’t know where she went. But she was all upset afterwards. Really upset, crying and stuff. She never cries. I’m the one who cries and she comforts me. She had to go and wash her face and try to get calm before you came to collect us.’

  ‘What did she tell you?’

  DI Hammill had reappeared on the deck. He stood quite still, with his head thrown back as if he was breathing in the briny air.

  ‘She said she’d gone and ruined everything.’

  ‘And you can’t even guess who she was with?’

  ‘I told you, I don’t know. I pestered her to tell me at first but she went all silent and scowly. I thought she’d tell me in her own time, if she wanted.’

  ‘So who’d know?’

  ‘About what happened?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Maybe Graham. Rosie’s brother. He was sniggering about it a few days later, and said something about her taste in men getting weirder, or worse or something, and Charlie turned on him. She was really wild with him. I thought she was going to hit him.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I said.

  ‘What’s it about?’ said Ashleigh. ‘Why do you want to know?’

  ‘She didn’t say she was worried about anything in particular, did she?’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ Her voice rose in panic. ‘I don’t know. She’s my best friend. I’ve let her down. I should know how to find her and I don’t.’

  ‘No,’ I said wearily. ‘You shouldn’t feel like that.’

  ‘She’ll be all right, though, won’t she? Nina?’

  ‘Yes,’ I said. My voice cracked, so I said it again, louder and firmer. ‘Yes. And you’re being very helpful.’

  I watched as DI Hammill walked towards me, but in the gloom I couldn’t make out his expression. I started to go towards him but all of a sudden my body felt as heavy as a block of granite. Every blundering step took a huge effort. I looked at the hulk and thought of the body inside, then back at Hammill, who was removing the plastic bags from his feet.

  ‘Well?’ I asked, as he stood up.

  He ignored me and turned to Jay. ‘You’re Charlotte’s boyfriend?’

  Jay nodded. His face was blotchy and scared. There were tears in his eyes.

  ‘The constable there’ – he nodded at Mahoney, who was now coming towards us – ‘will take you to the station, where you will make a statement. All right?’

  Jay nodded again.

  ‘Have you called your parents?’

  He shook his head.

  ‘Why don’t you do that at once?’ he said. ‘Tell them to come to the station and meet you there. They’ll be present while you give the statement.’

  Then he turned towards me. ‘Come with me,’ he said, and walked towards his car.

  As we approached it, we were joined by Andrea Beck, who leaned towards DI Hammill and whispered something in his ear. I heard, ‘Brampton Ford,’ and saw Hammill nod. I repeated the name to myself for later: Brampton Ford. I’d never heard it.

  ‘What?’ I said. ‘Who is it? Who’s the girl?’

  ‘We’ll talk in the car,’ Beck said. ‘It’s cold. You’ve had a shock.’

  Had I? Was I in shock? I considered myself as if I were somebody else. I thought of my behaviour. Was it affecting my ability to do what I could for Charlie? That was all I cared about.

  ‘I’m fine,’ I said, but she opened the back passenger door for me. I got in and she closed it. Hammill sat beside me with Beck in the driver’s seat in front.

  ‘Have you found out anything?’ I asked immediately. ‘Who is it? Do you know? And do you know how she died?’

  There was a pause.

&nb
sp; ‘What the hell were you doing there?’ Hammill asked, a new, hard tone in his voice.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked. ‘There’s the body of a young girl over there. What does it matter why I was there?’

  Another pause. When Hammill spoke it was with the care of a man taking great pains to remain calm.

  ‘Ms Landry. Your daughter is missing. We’re conducting an urgent search for her. Now a girl of about your daughter’s age has been found. And you are the person who found her. That seems strange to me.’

  ‘But who is she?’ I asked again. ‘Do you know who she is? Is she from round here?’

  ‘Things are getting serious,’ Hammill said.

  ‘Serious,’ echoed Beck. ‘Very serious.’

  ‘They were always serious,’ I said.

  ‘We’ve another body and –’

  ‘What do you mean another body?’ I said. ‘Have you given up hope of finding my daughter alive? She’s only just gone missing.’

  ‘I didn’t mean that.’

  ‘But you feel you’re looking for a body?’

  ‘It was a slip of the tongue. What I mean is that the fact we’ve found another girl may be connected.’

  ‘Do you think there’s any possible doubt about it?’

  ‘Stop this,’ said Hammill, abruptly. ‘What I’m starting to wonder is whether you’re telling me everything you know. Because if you’re not, I need to warn you that that would be a matter we would take very seriously indeed.’

  ‘Of course I am,’ I said. ‘This is my daughter we’re talking about, as well as another poor girl who is someone else’s daughter. I’ve been the one trying to get the police involved when they weren’t interested.’

  ‘We’re conducting the investigation. You should be at home letting us get on with it.’

  ‘I’m the one who found this body. I’m doing what you should have done. How dare you accuse me of concealing anything?’

  ‘But that’s my point,’ said Hammill. ‘How did you come to find it? What are you doing here?’

  So I told them how I had contacted Jay and what we had talked about and how we had come over here. ‘I think it’s a place where young people come and hang out,’ I said. ‘This is a small island. There aren’t all that many places to get away from people without going on to the mainland. As soon as I saw the hulks, it seemed the natural place for someone to hide. Or for someone to hide a body, as it turned out.’

  Beck murmured something under her breath that I didn’t catch.

  ‘I don’t believe this,’ said Hammill. ‘There are colleagues I know who would lock you up for what you’re doing.’

  ‘What I’m doing?’ I said, struggling to keep my temper under control. ‘Haven’t you heard? I’m a desperate mother looking for her daughter.’

  ‘Haven’t you thought you might be making things worse for her? You’re talking to witnesses who should be talking to us. You’re contaminating the scene. That body in there may be our best chance of finding your daughter and you walked all round it.’

  ‘Contaminating the scene?’ I said, incredulous. ‘The only reason you’ve even got a crime scene here is that I found it. What I feel is that we’re wasting time sitting about. My head’s spinning and I’m not sure what’s going on but one thing is clear. Until half an hour ago, I knew my daughter was gone and I was still hoping against all the signs that she might have just run off as some sort of adolescent rebellion. What we now know is that a girl has been killed on this island and it feels… Oh, God, don’t you understand how it feels to be sitting here in this warm car, not even driving, just sitting and watching the tide come in, and talking like this, when all the time Charlie may be out there, in danger, waiting to be rescued?’ I pointed at the large watch on Andrea Beck’s wrist. ‘Look,’ I said. ‘It’s well after four. It’s almost completely dark. It’s freezing cold. Charlie’s been gone for hours. Hours and hours. Every minute counts now, every second. And there’s a dead girl. We have to hurry. We have to find her now. Don’t you see? Please.’

  I stopped suddenly and waited for them to respond.

  DI Hammill stroked his neat grey beard and stared out of the window. His eyes narrowed as if he was looking for something in the gloom. ‘I’m not sure what’s happening here, Ms Landry.’

  ‘We’re trying to collate our information,’ said Beck, twisting round in the seat and blinking at me through her thick fringe. She spoke with a self-conscious importance, as if she was reciting something she’d recently learned from a textbook. ‘We’re trying to define the boundaries of the inquiry and yet the boundaries keep altering. You see?’ She ducked her head at me and turned back in her seat.

  ‘Collate information,’ I said furiously, then regretted it. I needed them more than I had ever needed anyone in my life and this wasn’t the time to try to score points. ‘I’m sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I don’t know what to do with myself. I just want to help.’

  ‘I’ll be frank with you, Ms Landry,’ Hammill said, ‘because I think that’s what you want from us. In cases such as this, when a girl has disappeared, we talk to friends, and we search for mysterious vans that might have driven past, and we check the records for local sex offenders. But, guided by statistical probability, what we do overwhelmingly is talk to boyfriends and, even more important than that, we talk to the family.’

  ‘I know that,’ I said. ‘That’s why you’re talking to Rory.’

  ‘He’s at the station,’ said Hammill. ‘He’s giving a statement as we speak.’

  ‘As long as it doesn’t stop you searching elsewhere,’ I said.

  ‘We want a full statement from you as well,’ he said.

  ‘It seems to me,’ I said, ‘that what you want is to slow things down when what is needed is to speed them up.’

  ‘You can help us by coming to the station and giving a statement.’

  ‘I’ve given a statement. I’ve given two. There’s nothing to say. I’ve said everything. I’ve said all I know. There’s nothing I can tell you except this. My daughter’s in danger and we’ve got to find her, and by taking another statement from me, you’re letting the clock tick by and it’s stupid. It’s dangerous. It’s wrong. I won’t let you. You’ve got to find Charlie. You’ve just got to!’

  ‘Let’s go, Andrea,’ said DI Hammill. The young woman turned the key and the car rumbled away.

  ‘This is insane,’ I said, pulled my mobile out of my pocket and dialled. ‘Hello,’ I said, when Rick answered. ‘It’s me, Nina.’

  ‘Any news? Jackson and I were just –’

  ‘No,’ I said shortly. ‘Listen, I can’t fetch Jackson just now. I’ve got to go to the police station again.’

  ‘What for?’

  I was going to mention the body, then realized it would demand explanation and another telling of my story. ‘Another statement,’ I said. ‘I’ll be quick but I won’t be picking Jackson up for a bit.’

  ‘But –’

  ‘I really am grateful,’ I said. ‘Can I speak to Jackson?’

  ‘Mummy?’ His voice was small and hopeful. ‘Have you got Charlie yet?’

  I swallowed hard and gripped the phone. ‘Not yet, darling. I won’t be long. Either Dad or I will come and fetch you from Rick’s soon, all right?’

  ‘Dad’s got my Game Boy in his car. I left it when we –’

  I cut him off in plaintive midstream. ‘We’ll bring it.’

  ‘I want it now.’

  ‘Jackson.’

  ‘I want my Game Boy. I’m bored here and I want my Game Boy.’

  ‘This isn’t the right time, Jackson. You’re going to have to be patient.’

  ‘She’s ruined everything.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Charlie. She’s always wrecking things for me. She’s the one you care about. Just because she’s the oldest and you and Dad worry about her. And now we can’t go on holiday because she’s run off. She just wants attention. You don’t think about me, do you?’

&nb
sp; ‘Darling –’

  ‘I want my Game Boy.’

  ‘I’ll get your Game Boy,’ I said. ‘I’ll come and get you soon.’

  ‘Promise?’

  ‘Promise.’

  ‘Children,’ said Beck, as we drew up outside the police station.

  I glared at her back, feeling the strongest impulse to punch her in the neck. I curled my fists in my lap and tried to think only of the things I would have to do as soon as I left there. The first was to track down Rosie’s brother and find out who Charlie had been with at the party. I frowned, forcing myself to concentrate, blocking out the terror, erasing the image of the dead girl from my mind. One step at a time, I told myself. The light thickened outside. A flake of snow fell on my cheek, and the wind hummed in the electric cables above us.

  Behind us, Mahoney was also drawing up. Jay got out of the car. He seemed to have grown thinner and younger in the past hour.

  ‘This way,’ said Beck. ‘Ms Landry? You’re going to have to wait in here until we’re ready for you.’

  ‘Wait? I’m going to have to wait here?’

  ‘Just a few minutes. Have you got anything to read?’

  ‘Are you insane?’

  ‘I know you’re upset but there’s no need –’

  ‘I’m not going to wait. I’ve got to find Charlie.’

  ‘It won’t be long.’

  ‘Charlie needs me.’

  ‘Ms Landry.’ Blink. ‘What Charlie needs at this minute –’

  Just then, Rory was shown out of a small side room, a uniformed police officer at his side. If Jay had grown younger, Rory had grown older. He was grimy and creased with exhaustion. His hair stuck up in greasy peaks. He was dragging his jacket along the floor and walked with a shuffling step.

  ‘This way, sir,’ said the police officer, pointing to the toilets.

  ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘They’re making me feel guilty because I’m her father. What kind of world are we living in?’ he said. ‘You believe me, don’t you, Nina?’

  I looked at his angry face. I thought of the creepy messages he’d sent Charlie. I couldn’t think of anything to say.

  ‘Sir,’ said the officer, holding open the toilet door.

  ‘Nina?’

  ‘I need something from your car,’ I said politely. ‘Jackson’s Game Boy. He left it in there.’