by Angel Rose
“No…I didn’t forget.” She shook her head slowly and continued to drive on the road.
“What does he want Maddie? I know he’s after something? Did you sleep with him?” I demanded to know.
“This is really awkward. Stop asking me that. That’s none of your business.” She yelled.
“The hell it’s not. Are you a prostitute now? Did you give it up to him? Did you?” She pulled over on the shoulder of the road. She let go of the steering wheel and placed her hands on her lap. Her hands were shaky. Her gray eyes overflowed with tears and my heart stopped beating for a moment and then…she slapped me so hard across my face I saw the goddamn stars and birds circling around my head.
“What did you do that for?” I grabbed her by the wrist.
“How dare you?” She was gasping for air. She was crying so much she couldn’t breathe.
“Maddie please, I just want to help you. I’ve always been there for you. Why won’t you let me help you?”
“Because you can’t. This guy is…dangerous. I thought he was nice. I thought he could be someone I can spend the rest of my life with.” I let go of her wrist. My heart began to thrash against my chest. Did she just say Someone I can spend the rest of my life with? What does she mean? I’m here. I’m right here. But, what am I saying? She can’t be with me. I’m her brother, right?
I couldn’t take the little green monster inside of me that was ready to explode. I couldn’t imagine her with anyone else except for me and the kids. It was disgusting. I felt horrible. What was I doing?
“I…I didn’t know you felt that way about him.” I almost couldn’t say it. All these different feelings were surging within me and I was shocked at myself. My stomach actually hurt me. She must’ve noticed. She blushed then looked away.
“I thought I was in love until he said I couldn’t keep the kids.” She placed her hand over her mouth and cried some more. “I can’t live without them.” I reached out and held her. My body reacted differently though and for the first time, I wanted to hold her the way I wanted to hold Clarissa. Her hair fell against my lips as she cried on my shoulder and I wanted to inhale her, caress her, hold her tight and never let her go. Then, I shook the thought out of my head and let her go. She glanced up at me as if she were hurt that I released her from my embrace.
“We need to leave. Let’s go home. Clarissa is waiting.” I felt like a goddamn pig. Wanting something I knew could never be. Loving her in a way I knew was wrong. She’s all I’ve ever known since I was thirteen years old. And now, I’ll be twenty-two and feeling love for the very first time…with my sister. How could I even think of hurting her like that? How?
I drove back to the apartment. A deafening silence filled the air in the car. I parked the car in her spot and she got out whimpering and walked quickly into the building without me. I let her. I knew she was hurt and she had a lot to think about. I just knocked out her boss and now I don’t know if she’ll have a job tomorrow. I knew Clarissa would be waiting, so I called and told her we were coming up, but that it would be best that she left and went home as soon as Maddie got there. I could hear the disappointment in her voice and I felt really bad, but Maddie and I needed to talk.
I walked into the building and pressed the call button for the elevator. I felt such turmoil inside of me. Maddie deserved so much more than me. The elevator doors opened and I stepped in. I thought about Daniel and Alyssa. I thought about how I was the only man in their life. But, then I realized I wasn’t their real father. Some doped up, heroin addict was. Some bastard who fucked Ana and left her fending for herself…no, left Maddie fending for herself and those kids. Maddie never had a childhood and now, I’m forcing myself on her. The doors opened suddenly and I got off of the elevator. Clarissa was standing there. Her eyes welled with tears, but she said nothing. I grabbed her by the arm gently towards.
“I’m sorry. It’s not you. We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” She nodded. She pressed the elevator button. Then, as the elevator opened, she turned to look at me.
“Goodbye Stone. I meant what I said about the windowsill.” She smiled at me as the elevators doors closed. I shook my head and smirked. She really was going to get some of this because not only did she want it, but I needed not to love her…I needed not to love Maddie and Clarissa was my ticket out.
I walked into the apartment and saw that the table was set and Bryan’s birthday cake was in the middle. I heard Maddie sobbing in the bedroom. My heart broke into pieces. I walked towards the bedroom, dreading what I was going to see. Maddie was lying on the bed next to Daniel, grabbing Bryan’s pillow and crying into it.
“Maddie, you’re going to wake up Daniel. Come on, let’s go to your bed.”
“Leave me alone Stone, haven’t you done enough damage today. Leave me. Bryan…my Bryan’s dead.” She grumbled.
“Maddie, please. It’s his birthday. He wouldn’t want you to cry. Let’s try to think positive…okay?” I walked over and lifted her off of Daniel’s bed, grabbing her by the waist and placing my hands underneath her knees. She grasped Bryan’s pillow and placed it against her chest.
“Stone…he was my Bryan. I killed him.” She sniveled.
“You didn’t kill him Maddie. You took care of him the best way you could. You did everything for him. If anything…Ana killed him.” I kissed her cheek as I laid her down on her bed. Being so close to her like this was fucking with my mind. Jesus…I just wanted to love her. Her gray eyes filled with tears, tears that I wanted to kiss away.
“Stone. Will you sleep with me tonight? I don’t want to be alone.” I swallowed hard.
I wanted to do more than sleep with her. I wanted to make love to her. I wanted to touch every part of her body with my tongue. Jesus Christ, I’m going straight to hell.
“Sure.” I changed into my sweat pants and crawled under the covers with her. I checked on Daniel and Alyssa. She snuggled up against my chest and placed her arm around my waist. I placed my arm around her shoulder and played with her hair, trying to comfort her so she could go to sleep. I was as hard as a rock, but I made sure I stuffed Bryan’s pillow in between us so she could smell his scent and I could cover my hard on. She cried and cried until she literally passed out from crying. I missed him so much, but I couldn’t cry…and I didn’t understand why.
I decided to let Maddie sleep. I grabbed Daniel and Alyssa and closed the bedroom door behind me. I took one last glance at Maddie as she whimpered in her sleep.
“Hey, where’s Bryan?” Daniel asked.
“He’s in heaven. It’s his birthday.” I placed the candles on the cake and lit them. Alyssa tried to touch the candle, then noticed it was hot.
“Be careful, it’s hot.” I warned her nicely.
“Let’s sing daddy. Let’s sing happy birthday to Bryan.” Tears stung my eyes. I wanted to cry so badly. Alyssa stood on my lap and tried to touch the candle again.
“Alyssa, it’s hot, sweetie. Do you want to sing Happy Birthday to Bryan?” I asked as I placed some frosting from the cake on her nose.
“Yes!” I was shocked. She said yes. The tears finally fell.
“Don’t cry daddy. Bryan is right there.” He pointed at the empty chair across. I glanced over at the empty chair and a cold shiver ran up and down my spine. I glanced over at Daniel and started to sing.
“Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you.”
“Me, daddy! Happy birthday to Bryan. Happy Birthday to you! Hurray, daddy! Hurray!” He shouted. I hugged them both and sat Alyssa in the high chair and Daniel sat where he said Bryan was sitting.
“Two pieces daddy!” I smiled.
“Coming right up buddy.” I sat and watched Daniel eat his cake. He finished one piece then sat silently for a moment, as if he was waiting for the other slice to disappear off of his plate. Alyssa had cake everywhere. I finally broke down. I cried. I cried because I wasn’t there for him. I cried because I caused the scar on Daniel’s face and I cried because…of everything.
; Chapter 7 Maddie
I woke up the next morning staring at Stone. His beautiful dirty blonde hair concealed his eyes. I was wrapped in his embrace, where I’ve always wanted to be; where I knew I would be safe. I loved the way he came to my rescue last night at my job, my true hero, but he’s done it way too many times.
I remember when one of my mother’s many boy toys grabbed my arm on the way to the bathroom one night. His filthy hands caressing my back as he gripped on my arm tightly. I let out a yelp and Stone heard me, he had supersonic ears. He saw him and came running out of the room with a baseball bat and clipped the bastard on his kneecap. The bastard went down fast, but Stone didn’t have time to run. He grabbed Stone by his hair as Stone pushed me into the bedroom and yelled, “Lock the door Maddie!” I did as he said, but that didn’t last very long when I heard Stone’s cries. The guy was beating the hell out of him. I opened the door, ran to the kitchen and grabbed the nearest beer bottle, ran as fast as I could and smashed the bottle over the guy’s head. I stood silent as the gash in the side of his head pumped out red, thick blood in clots. My junkie mother came out of her room. Stared at Stone on the floor with blood splattered across his face. She called Lacky. I sat on the floor, lifted Stone’s head and placed it on my lap. I stared into his blue eyes. He could barely keep them open. He slid his bloody hand into mine.
“Are you okay, Maddie?” he whispered. I felt the tears burning at the back of my eyes. I held them in. Instead of worrying about himself, he was worried about me. Lacky showed up and took us to the hospital. My mother stayed home and stitched up her lover…the lover that just finished almost fucking killer her son.
Stone spent seven days in the hospital. He had two broken ribs, a concussion and a sprained arm. Instead of going to school, I snuck into the hospital every morning and stayed with him all day long. The nurses let me. No one was there for Stone except for me. They felt sorry for him. They felt sorry for us. The only reason why I left his side was because I knew my mother needed to bathe and would be too high to clean the cum off from the guys she slept with that day and night. I didn’t want her to get sick.
Ana didn’t come when Stone was discharged. Lacky came instead. Most of the men she was with were guys he had arrested. When it was time for Stone to leave, Lacky signed the discharge papers and gave us a ride home. That day was the day Tiny changed his name to Stone. My last name. He told me no one ever cared about him as much as I did, not even his own father. He told me he would never forget what I had done for him and that he would be forever grateful.
He vowed to take care of me.
Forever.
ME.
Only me.
***
“Hey.” Stone whispered opening his eyes slowly. He smiled at me, almost as if he knew I was staring at him the whole time. I smiled back pushing the wicked memories to the back of my mind and got up quickly to start preparing breakfast. Alyssa heard his voice and said
“DaDa, DaDa.” We both turned quickly to each other and smiled. Stone ran to her and she giggled as he tickled her belly.
“Maddie, did you hear that? She said DaDa!” He shouted.
“She sure did!” Maddie smiled.
Daniel was already watching television. He was so smart. I only let him watch Sesame Street. I could hear him mimicking cookie monster. “C is for cookie that’s good enough for me!” in cookie monster’s voice.
“Hi, ready for some eggs and biscuits.”
“Just like old times, huh?” He watched Daniel jump up and down in front of the television. “Did that dick call you?” he said abruptly rubbing his eyes and yawning.
“Do you know any other words besides dick and fuck?” I said annoyed.
“Those are my two favorite words, but, right now they have a totally different meaning.”
“No…he didn’t. Besides, it’s Saturday. He’s probably contemplating my punishment right now.” I rolled my eyes.
“Well, he better not touch you. If he fires you, we’ll move back upstate and start fresh.”
“What are you talking about? My life is here. I have a job or…maybe I don’t, but you’re acting like we’re married. I want my own life Stone.” I really didn’t, but I knew a relationship with my brother could never be. I didn’t know if he was my brother or not, but, I didn’t want to make the situation more awkward than it was. He stood at the bedroom door and stared at me. I hurt him and I didn’t mean to.
“Oh…okay. Well, then I’ll just move on. I’ll get my own place. I have a meeting with Max today. He’s going to help me get a job. Fast money. You know.”
“Oh yeah, that’s great. The next time you go to jail count me out! I’m never visiting you! Ever!” I shouted.
“You know; I’m tired of your fucking mouth! I did everything for you while you lived with that old bat! I gave you money to pay for the rent…for food…everything! Why are you still mouthing off to me?” I knew when he was ready to blow up and I could see his feet moving in my direction, but I didn’t think anything of it.
“Stop being so dramatic! I made something of myself. I graduated from high school! I took care of those kids while you were locked up!” I yelled.
“I was locked up because of YOU! You ungrateful b…” He practically stumbled out of the doorway to grab at me. His arms reaching out to grab my hair. I dropped the spatula that I had in my hand scrambling the eggs and I ran towards the living room. He ran after me like I stole his weed. He was so angry I could hear him breathing hard. I jumped on the couch and he grabbed my leg, making me fall face first on the couch, slamming my breasts against it. Then, I felt him on top of me. He turned me around on my back and we struggled like two men fighting in the street. My t-shirt rose exposing my breasts and his hands skimmed my body. Oh my God…I immediately shuddered at his touch. My body trembled. “Stop! Stop it Maddie!” He shouted. Daniel ran out of the living room.
“Why did you have to come back? Why?” I stared into his beautiful blue eyes.
“What do you mean?” He grabbed the side of my face gently.
“I’ve never not done anything without you. And when you got locked up. My whole world fell apart. I never even thought about having a boyfriend…because of you. I didn’t even go to my prom.
“Why?” He said tilting his head to the side, his eyes filled with guilt.
“One, I was scared you would be angry with me and two, I felt I would…betray you.” I shook my head. I pulled down my t-shirt and covered myself.
“You’re only eighteen anyway. What do you know about having a boyfriend?”
“Eighteen? My friends were screwing at twelve. I’m the only virgin I know. You’ve screwed everything that had two legs and a pussy.” I crossed my arms against my chest.
“I didn’t ask you to feel that way about me. It was just sex Maddie. Guys have needs. I never loved any of them. You know that. I was fifteen for God’s sake! Why are we talking about this?”
“You loved Lisbeth, didn’t you?” I lowered my eyes to his lips.
“I was fourteen years old, Maddie. She was my first…puppy love. That’s all that was. Again, why are we talking about this?”
“Because, I did feel that way about you and I needed to stop feeling guilty. When I met my boss last year, he was sweet, offered me a job and paid me good money. He wants to marry me Stone? Me.”
“Marry you? He’s an abuser, Maddie. Is that who you want for a husband? He doesn’t even want the kids. You said so yourself.” He pursed his lips to the side and gazed directly into my eyes. I could see the anger slowly creeping up to his face.
“I can’t keep living this life. Why do you think I didn’t visit you for a year? I need to make my own decisions without you popping up in the back of my mind all of the time.” He shook his head and bit his lip in anger. We both stood up from the couch.
“Fine. I’ll leave then.” He walked away from me abruptly. I could feel the tears brimming at the corner of my eyes.
“Stone?” I reached out fo
r him and he walked passed me, leaving my hand lingering in the air. Then, he turned suddenly and grabbed me by the waist gently. My entire body stiffened reacting to the touch of his hands on my waist, and the feel of his chest against my breasts.
“You don’t have to say it, Maddie.” He leaned his forehead against mine, his breath warm against my lips. “I feel the same way, too.” He whispered. My eyes rose from staring at his lips to meet his blue eyes. I gazed into them knowing that this was the very moment I’ve been waiting for all of these years. “Only you. It’s always been only you.”
“Stone, I…” He placed his finger on my lips and shook his head as his eyes stayed glued to mine. “I didn’t realize it until now.” He slid his hand up and down my back, the sensation of his fingers tracking the length of my back brought an electric current tingling up and down my spine. My body trembled a little, and I waited patiently for his lips to touch mine. “But we can’t be together.” My heart sank into my stomach. “You’re my sister and I’m your brother. What we feel is wrong.” He let me go from his embrace. The pain in my heart was worse than I thought it was going to be. He was lying to himself. I was lying to myself. We didn’t know for sure if Ana was his mother, but if she was, it was the ultimate sin. Something we both couldn’t live with no matter how we felt. “Good-bye Maddie.” He grabbed the bag he walked in with from prison. An empty bag that had nothing but his old keys to our trailer home when we lived with Ana and his wallet, which I stole from one of her men. I swallowed the lump in my throat watching him kiss Daniel and Alyssa goodbye, then he glanced over at me with the most heart wrenching, disappointing look and walked out…of my life.
***
It’s been a couple of months since Stone left. I actually welcomed the tension-free zone I was living in. It felt like a burden had been lifted, even though I thought about him every single day, every moment of the day. I understood what Stone said. My love for him was always forbidden, a taboo, something people frowned upon, something people couldn’t understand. But the love I had for him was pure. It wasn’t tainted. It was innocent. But, I wasn’t the same innocent little girl he knew when we were kids, fending for ourselves because our parents were pieces of shit. Drug addicts…losers. Stone had to grow up fast…take care of his father. He had a fucked up life, and his father didn’t care. Somewhere along the line, he came to us for a reason.
