Emily Post's Great Get-Togethers

by Anna Post

  * * *

  A Tip from Anna

  PREVISIT INFORMATION EXCHANGE

  * THINGS YOU BOTH NEED TO AGREE ON AHEAD OF TIME:

  start and end times.

  * THINGS TO SEND TO YOUR GUESTS IN ADVANCE: area map, link to local weather, car rental information, good directions.

  * THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR GUESTS BEFORE THEY ARRIVE:

  Do they have any food restrictions (i.e., vegetarian) or allergies?

  Who exactly is coming—their spouse, children, a pet?

  * THINGS YOUR GUESTS NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOU:

  Information about your kids and pets; anything you already have scheduled that will take place during their visit.

  * * *

  The Guest Room

  Getting a guest room ready is one of our favorite things to do—it’s like wrapping a present for your guests. The best way to know how comfy and well equipped your guest room is, is to spend a night there as a guest yourself. There’s nothing like firsthand knowledge to tell you the blind is broken, the mattress is sagging, or the closet door is squeaking. Here’s a list of basics that every guest room should have, as well as a few extras that we think make guests feel especially welcome:

  In the Guest Room or Sleeping Area

  A bed, sofa bed, futon, or air bed, made up with clean sheets and pillowcases

  An extra blanket at the foot of the bed

  A good reading light

  An alarm clock

  Good curtains or blinds on the windows

  A water carafe and glass on the night table

  A box of tissues on the nightstand

  An empty wastebasket

  Wooden coat hangers with bars or pressure clips for trousers; plastic hangers for dresses

  In the Bathroom

  Fresh bath towels, face towels, washcloths, bath mat

  Fresh soap

  Glasses for brushing teeth and drinking water

  New roll of toilet paper in the dispenser and an unopened one in the cabinet

  Box of tissues

  Shampoo, bath oil, bath powder, and hand lotion on the washstand

  New toothbrush, just in case your guest has forgotten her own, and toothpaste

  Headache and stomachache medications in the guest bathroom medicine cabinet; extra feminine supplies in a drawer or cupboard

  Nice Touches

  A welcome note

  A small vase of flowers

  Candle and matches

  A plate of little cookies or a few chocolates

  A book you think your guest might enjoy—local history, fabulous gardens, short stories

  Current magazines

  Two pillows for each guest—one medium-firm and one soft

  A clothes brush, lint roller, and mini sewing kit

  A luggage rack

  A bathrobe and slippers

  A television with remote

  An area map

  A calendar

  Games and toys for kids

  No Guest Room?

  If you live in a one-bedroom apartment or a house with no guest room, you can still play host. A sofa bed, futon, or air bed can be set up in the living room or den or, if the visit isn’t lengthy, children can be doubled up to free up a room. Don’t move out of your own room so you can give it to your guests, though—it could make them feel they’re imposing.

  You should also warn guests in advance that they won’t have a separate room or will have to share. Some guests may be perfectly fine with sleeping on a sofa or air bed in the den, while others may decide to stay at an inn or hotel instead.

  When You’re the Guest

  Being a guest in someone’s home calls for a little extra sensitivity and awareness. Respect the agreed-upon arrival and departure times. While your host is sure to want you to feel at home, remember that it’s her home: Don’t use or borrow without permission, keep your room and bath tidy, and don’t snoop. Be an enthusiastic participant and offer to help out, especially at mealtimes. And be a little self-sufficient—don’t expect your host to entertain you every minute. It’s a long-standing tradition that overnight guests bring or send a gift and follow up with a bread-and-butter letter (aka a thank-you note).

  The Golden Rules for Houseguests

  Definitely Do:

  make your visit short and sweet. Tell your host when you’ll arrive and when you’ll depart. Take cues from your host, but keep your visit to no more than three nights.

  bring your own toiletries.

  make your bed and clean up after yourself. Keep your bathroom tidy, especially if you’re sharing it with other people. Clean up any ring in the tub, shaving cream residue in the basin, hair on any object or surface, or dirt on the soap.

  offer to help out, especially in the kitchen (unless your host objects).

  be adaptable. Be ready for anything—or for nothing. Whatever agenda the host sets, follow along happily.

  act like you’re enjoying yourself.

  offer to pitch in for groceries if you’re staying more than two or three nights.

  double-check to make sure you have all your belongings before you leave.

  bring or send a gift, or treat your host to a night out instead.

  send a handwritten thank-you note following your visit.

  Definitely Don’t:

  ask to bring your pet. If you must travel with your pet, inquire about a good kennel in the area or offer to stay in a hotel. This also gives your host an opening to invite your pet if she wishes.

  accept an invitation from someone else during your visit without first checking with your host.

  use your host’s phone, computer, or any other equipment without asking.

  use more than your share of hot water.

  snoop.

  leave the toilet seat up.

  How to Leave the Bed

  Remove the sheets, fold them, place them at the foot of the bed, and pull the blanket and spread up neatly so that the bed will look “made.” This will make life easier for your host. If you’re close friends, ask for fresh sheets and make the bed. It’s a nice gesture and it saves your host from having to do it later.

  Saying Thank You

  Regardless of how you do it, giving a gift to your host is a must for any houseguest. For an overnight stay, something simple like a bottle of good wine is fine. A longer stay merits something a little more elaborate. You can bring the gift with you and present it to your host when you arrive, or buy it during your stay once you’ve gotten a better idea of what your host might need, or send it as soon as possible after you return home.

  In lieu of a gift, you could also treat your hosts to a dinner out if you think they’d prefer it. If you decide to do this, let your hosts know in advance of your visit so it becomes part of the game plan. Let them suggest a restaurant; they can also make the reservation if that’s more convenient for everybody.

  The other must for overnight guests is to send a handwritten thank-you note afterward. An e-mail or a phone call once you’ve returned home is fine, as long as it’s followed by the note.

  * * *

  Choosing the Perfect Gift for a Great Host

  What does she like? Look around her house: What’s her style? What colors stand out? What are her hobbies? If you enjoy shopping, look for a gift during your visit. Otherwise, think about what’s easy to pack, or ship it upon returning home.

  * * *

  Twenty-Five Great Gift Ideas for your Host

  You can take these gift ideas and adapt them according to the length of your stay. For example, you might give a houseplant in a pretty pot for an overnight stay, but bump it up to an orchid for a weekend visit. Give martini glasses and a shaker for a two- to three-night stay, and for a longer stay add gin (or vodka) and vermouth.

  FOR AN OVERNIGHT STAY

  Book of interest to the host

  Set of nicely packaged herbs and spices or a selection of peppercorns and sea salts

  Picture frame with a picture taken during you
r visit and sent later

  Packages of cocktail napkins with a serving tray or wineglass charms

  For an avid cook, a collection of specialized kitchen tools

  Twelve-pack of the best local microbrew

  Set of monogrammed soaps

  For a golfer, a dozen golf balls

  Houseplant in a permanent, decorative pot

  FOR A WEEKEND STAY (TWO TO THREE NIGHTS)

  Set of cloth napkins and decorative napkin rings

  Themed gift basket, such as: playing cards, jacks, board game, crayons and paper, DVD movie, popcorn mix, a current best seller for a “rainy day” basket

  Gift certificate to your hosts’ favorite restaurant

  Any locally made specialty from your area: Vermont maple syrup, Virginia peanut brittle, New Orleans chicory coffee or pralines, artisanal cheeses, specialty chocolates

  Bonsai tree

  Set of personalized note cards

  Crystal or handmade wood or pottery nut/olive bowl

  For an avid cook, a collection of specialized kitchen tools paired with a cookbook

  (Monogrammed) linen hand towels

  Twelve-pack of the best local brew with (monogrammed) pilsner glasses

  FOR AN EXTENDED STAY OR FOR THE HOST WHO WENT ALL OUT

  For someone with a cabin in the woods: supplies for your host’s favorite outdoor activity such as fly-fishing, hiking, or camping

  For someone with a beach house: (monogrammed) beach towels, hats, sunscreen and/or flip-flops, all packed in a sturdy, (monogrammed) tote bag

  Lobster pot, lobster bibs, nutcrackers, corn holders, nice melamine or acrylic plates and utensils, along with a gift certificate to the local fish market

  Spa gift certificate

  Martini glasses and shaker paired with bottles of top-shelf gin or vodka and vermouth, your favorite martini recipe and the ingredients, and cocktail napkins, olives, nuts, or nibbles

  Set of high thread–count sheets with monogrammed pillowcases to match

  Chapter Sixteen

  Be Invited Back

  Part of the fun of entertaining is that it’s a reciprocal thing: You invite guests, and then your guests invite you in return. As important as it is to be a good host, it’s equally important to shine as a guest. So here’s a little polish for your partygoing manners. Being a good guest starts the minute you receive an invitation, whether it shows up in an envelope or in your e-mail inbox. Mais, oui, your party manners start even before the event.

  RSVP

  French for Repondez s’il vous plaît or, in English, “Please reply,” these four little letters are the not-so-secret code signaling that your hosts want to know whether or not you can make their event. Most invitations have some sort of reply mechanism—an enclosed response card, a phone number, an e-mail address, or mailing address. Reply promptly, preferably within a day or two of receiving your invitation. It’s a basic courtesy, and will be truly appreciated by your hosts.

  Is that Your Final Answer?

  Check your calendar carefully before you RSVP, because once you’ve sent your response you’re committed. Changing a “yes” to a “no” is only acceptable if there’s an illness or injury, a death in the family, or an unavoidable professional or business conflict. In such a case, call your hosts right away and explain. Canceling because you have a “better” offer is a surefire way to get dropped from everyone’s guest lists, while being a no-show is just plain unacceptable. Changing a “no” to a “yes” is okay only if it won’t upset the hosts’ arrangements. Unless it’s someone you know really well or you know it’s a flexible kind of party—cocktails or a buffet—it’s better to stick with your “no” and hope you’ll be able to make it next time.

  “May I Bring...?”

  Don’t even ask! Invitations are extended to the people the hosts want to invite—and no one else. If you ask to bring a date, you may spoil her carefully chosen guest list. The biggest offenders in this area seem to be parents who think that their little darlings should be included in grown-up invitations. Here’s the final word on “extras”:

  ...a date? Some invitations tell you that you may bring a guest or date. When you reply, say, “I’d love to join you for dinner on the thirtieth. I’ll be bringing Jim Alcott.” (Your hostess is going to love you! Now she even knows your guest’s name—handy for introductions and place cards.)

  ...my children? If they were invited, the invitation would have said so. If you can’t get a sitter, it’s best to decline the invitation. This is true not just for formal parties like weddings, but for informal get-togethers as well.

  ...my houseguest? If you’re hosting a houseguest and get invited to a party, it’s best to turn the invitation down but explain the reason. This gives your host the option to extend the invitation to include your guests. If the event is casual and flexible, that’s probably what will happen. If it’s a more formal event, extras might upset the game plan.

  HOW DO I RESPOND?

  Mailed invitation with a phone number: Call and make sure to give your response in person (even if you left a message on a machine), as answering machines can be unreliable.

  E-mailed invitation: Hit the Reply button.

  E-vite: Follow the directions to reply, and don’t stress out over trumping another guest’s witty response. Most let you reply with a “Maybe” if you aren’t sure—even that’s a help to your host. (See Chapter 4, The Invitation Tells All, page 35, for more on e-vites.)

  Phoned invitation: You can respond right away, or if you prefer not be put on the spot, say, “Let me check my calendar and get right back to you.” Just be sure you do exactly that!

  Mailed invitation with a response card date: Fill in the card and return it in the enclosed envelope. Reply by the indicated.

  Mailed invitation with RSVP and no response card: Send a prompt handwritten reply to the host at the address on the envelope.

  Regrets only: You only need to reply if you can’t go. If your host doesn’t hear from you, he’s expecting you to be there!

  Of course there are exceptions to every rule. If you receive an invitation addressed to you alone and you’ve recently become engaged or are in a serious relationship, it’s okay to let your host know this. Again, it’s best to decline the invitation and explain why, putting the ball in your host’s court to offer to include your significant other. If your host had a restricted seating plan, he may want to invite another solo guest. If he can fit you and your significant other in as a couple, that’s great—but you should leave this up to him.

  Could You Please Bring...

  In some parts of the country, almost every acceptance is followed by “...and what can I bring?” Friends who entertain one another frequently usually keep things casual and may even share the cooking, even if one couple is officially hosting. At a potluck supper or family holiday dinner, you may be asked to bring a dish to share. The hostess is usually the organizer, and it’s her job to see that the meal isn’t heavy on salad and light on dessert. Your contribution may be left up to you—or you may be offered a choice (“Would you like to bring an appetizer or a dessert?”) or given an assignment (“Could you please make your terrific mashed potatoes?”). In either case, accept graciously and follow through. Don’t forget to ask your hostess how many people she expects your dish to serve. Bring your contribution in its serving dish, labeled with your name and phone number on the bottom. If you don’t cook or are pressed for time, you can always offer to bring purchased items: cheese, bread, olives, pâté, a premade dish, cookies and ice cream, or a fruit tart from a favorite bakery.

  Allergies And Other Special Conditions

  If you’re invited to a cocktail party, large dinner party, buffet, or reception, it’s probably not necessary to inform your host that you’re a vegetarian, mildly allergic to milk, or diabetic, because there are bound to be a variety of foods to choose from. It’s fine to ask about the ingredients in a particular dish. If it’s a small dinner party, however, or if you�
�re severely allergic to certain foods or pets, it’s a good idea to let your host know up front when you respond to the invitation.

  If you’re allergic to dogs and your allergy can’t be controlled by medication, you might have to forego an invitation to a house that has indoor dogs—there’s only so much cleaning your host can do. Even if you can tolerate them, your host will want to know so that the dog can be kept in another room and extra care be taken when cleaning before the party.

  If you have serious food allergies, again, let your host know when you first respond. More than the disappointment of serving a guest something he can’t eat, it really is a question of your safety. Shellfish and nuts, for example, can cause severe, even deadly, reactions.

  If your dietary restrictions are based on religious tenets, it may not be practical to accept some invitations. If the invitation is for a small gathering, you can explain to your hostess that you’d love to accept, but that you’ll have to bring a dish you’ve prepared according to your dietary rules—provided that’s acceptable to her. As a large part of entertaining is about being social, many hosts will encourage you to attend and bring your special dish.

  If you don’t drink alcohol, it’s fine to ask for water, juice, or a soft drink instead. You don’t have to give a reason unless you wish to. Never feel you have to have to drink alcohol, even if pressed by a host or another guest. The rudeness is theirs, not yours.

  How exactly do you let your host know this sort of thing? Simply say, “I’d love to come, but I am completely allergic to shellfish”...“I’d love to come to the barbecue, but I should tell you that I’m a vegetarian. I could bring a tabbouleh salad if that’s all right with you.” Always give your host the option to accommodate you or not. In some cases it may not be possible, so don’t take offense.