MA06 Little Myth Marker

by Robert Asprin

  “Umm ... quite right. Pleased to make your acquaintance and all that,” the troll said, trying to avert his eyes while still making polite conversation.

  “Yeah. Sure, Chum. Don’t you have somethin’ else to do ... like leavin’?”

  I clutched at his arm in desperation.

  “No! I mean ... Chumley always comes by first thing in the morning.”

  “Ahh ... Yes. Just wanted to see if Skeeve was ready for a spot of breakfast.”

  “Well, I got here first,” Bunny bristled. “If Skeevie wants something to nibble on, he can...”

  “Good morning, Daddy!”

  Markie came bounding into the room and gave me a hug before any of us knew she was around.

  “Well, well. You must be Skeeve’s new ward, Markie,” the troll beamed, obviously thankful to have something to focus on other than Bunny.

  “And you’re Chumley. Hi, Bunny!”

  “Hiya, kid,” Bunny responded with a noticeable lack of enthusiasm as she pulled the covers up around her neck.

  “Are you up, Skeeve?”

  The voice wafting in from the corridor was immediately identifiable as Tananda.

  Chumley and I had rarely worked together as a team, but this time no planning or coordination was necessary. I scooped Markie up and carried her into the hall while Chumley followed, slamming the door behind him with enough force to crack the wood.

  “Pip pip, little sister. Fine day, isn’t it?”

  “Hi, Tananda! What’s new?”

  Our cordial greetings, intended to disarm the situation, succeeded only in stopping our colleague in her tracks.

  Tananda is quite attractive—if curvaceous, olive-skinned, green-haired women are your type. Of course, she looks a lot better when she isn’t pursing her lips and narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

  “Well, for openers, I’d say the little girl under your arm is new,” she said firmly. “I may not be the most observant person, but I’m sure I would have noticed her if she had been around before.”

  “Oh. Well, there are a few things I’ve got to debrief you on,” I smiled weakly. “This is one of them. Her name is Markie, and...”

  “Later, Skeeve. Right now I’m more curious about what my big brother’s up to. How ‘bout it, Chumley? I’ve seen you slam doors on the way into bedrooms before, but never on the way out.”

  “Ummm ... that is...” the troll mumbled awkwardly.

  “Actually,” I assisted, “it’s more like ... you see...”

  “Exactly what I had in mind,” Tananda declared, slipping past us and flinging the bedroom door open.

  My room was mercifully empty of occupants. Apparently Bunny had retreated through whatever secret panel she had emerged from. Chumley and I exchanged unnoted glances of relief.

  “I don’t get it,” Tananda frowned. “You two acted like you were trying to hide a body. There’s nothing here to be so secretive about.”

  “I think they didn’t want you to see the girl in my daddy’s bed,” Markie supplied brightly.

  I wanted to express my thanks to Markie but decided that I had enough problems without adding murder to the list.

  “Well, Skeeve?” Tananda said, her eyebrows almost reaching her hairline.

  “Ummm ... actually, I’m not really her daddy. That’s one of the things I wanted to debrief you about.”

  “I meant about the girl in your room!”

  “That’s the other thing I wanted to...”

  “Cut him some slack! Huh, Tananda? It’s uncivilized to beat up on someone before breakfast.”

  That was Aahz, who for once had approached our gathering without being seen ... or heard. He’s usually not big on quiet entrances.

  For that matter, I had never known him to be at all reluctant about beating up on someone—say, for example, me—before breakfast. Still, I was grateful for his intervention.

  “Hi, Aahz. We were just...”

  “Do you know what your partner is doing!?” Tananda said in a voice that could freeze wine. “He seems to be turning our home into a combination day-care center and...”

  “I know all about it,” Aahz interrupted, “and so will you if you’ll just cool down. We’ll explain everything over breakfast.”

  “Well...”

  “Besides,” Markie piped up, “it’s not your home. It’s my daddy’s. He just lets you live here. He can do anything he wants in his house!”

  I released my hold on her, hoping to dump her on her head.

  Instead, she twisted in midair and landed on her feet like a cat, all the while sneering smugly.

  Tananda had stiffened as if someone had jabbed her with a pin.

  “I suppose you’re right, Markie,” she said through tight lips. “If the ‘Great Skeeve’ wants to romp with some bit of fluff, it’s none of my business. And if I don’t like it, I should just go elsewhere.”

  She spun on her heel and started off down the hall.

  “What about breakfast?” Aahz called after her.

  “I’ll be eating out ... permanently!”

  We watched her departure in helpless silence.

  “I’d better go after her,” Chumley said at last. “In the mood she’s in, she might hurt someone.”

  “Could you take Markie with you?” Aahz requested, still staring after Tananda.

  “Are you kidding?” the troll gaped.

  “Well, at least drop her off in the kitchen. I’ve got to have a few words with Skeeve in private.”

  “I want to stay here!” Markie protested.

  “Go,” I said quietly.

  There must have been something in my voice, because both Markie and Chumley headed off without further argument.

  “Partner, you’ve got a problem.”

  “Don’t I know it. If there was any way I could ship her back to Don Bruce, I’d do it in a minute, but...”

  “I’m not talking about Bunny!”

  That stopped me.

  “You aren’t?”

  “No. Markie’s the problem, not Bunny.”

  “Markie? But she’s just a little girl.”

  Aahz heaved a small sigh and put one hand on my shoulder ... gently, for a change.

  “Skeeve, I’ve given you a lot of advice in the past, some of it better than others. For the most part, you’ve done pretty well at winging it in unfamiliar situations, but this time you’re in over your head. Believe me, you don’t have the vaguest idea of the kind of havoc a kid can cause in your life ... especially a little girl.”

  I didn’t know what to say. My partner was obviously sincere in his concern, and for a change was expressing it in a very calm, low-key manner. Still, I couldn’t go along with what he was saying.

  “C’mon, Aahz. How much trouble can she be? This thing with Tananda happened because of Bunny...”

  “...after Markie started mouthing off at the wrong time. I already had Tananda cooling off when Markie put her two cents in.”

  It also occurred to me that Markie was the one who had spilled the beans to Tananda in the first place. I shoved that thought to the back of my mind.

  “So she doesn’t have enough sense to keep her mouth shut. She’s just a kid. We can’t expect her to...”

  “That’s my point. Think about our operation for a minute, partner. How many times in one day can things go sour if someone says the wrong thing at the right moment? It’s taken us a year to get Guido and Nunzio on board ... and they’re adults. Bringing a kid into the place is like waving a torch around a fireworks factory.”

  As much as I appreciated his efforts to explain a problem to me, I was starting to weary a bit of Aahz’s single-minded pursuit of his point.

  “Okay. So I haven’t had much experience around kids. I may be underestimating the situation, but aren’t you being a bit of an
alarmist? What experience are you basing your worries on?”

  “Are you kidding?” my partner said, laughing for the first time in our conversation. “Anyone who’s been around as many centuries as I have has had more than their share of experience with kids. You met my nephew Rupert? You think he was born an adult? And he’s only one of more nieces, nephews, and grandchildren than I can count without being reduced to a nervous wreck by the memories.”

  And I thought I couldn’t be surprised by Aahz anymore.

  “Really? Grandchildren? I never even knew you had kids.”

  “I don’t like to talk about it. That in itself should be a clue. When someone who likes to talk as much as I do totally avoids a subject, the memories have got to be less than pleasant!”

  I was starting to get a bit worried. Realizing that Aahz usually tends to minimize danger, his warnings were starting to set my overactive imagination in gear.

  “I hear what you’re saying, Aahz. But we’re only talking about one kid here. How much trouble can one little girl be?”

  My partner’s face suddenly split into one of his infamous evil grins. “Remember that quote,” he said. “I’m going to be tossing it back at you from time to time.”

  “But...”

  “Hey, Boss! There’s someone here to see you!”

  Just what I needed! I had already pretty much resolved not to take on any more clients until after Markie’s father had reclaimed her. Of course, I didn’t want to say that in front of Aahz, especially considering our current conversation.

  “I’m in the middle of a conference, Guido!” I called. “Tell them to come back later.”

  “Suit yourself, Boss!” came the reply. “I just thought you’d want to know, seein’ as how it’s Luanna...”

  I was off like a shot, not even bothering to excuse myself. Aahz would understand. He knew I’d had a thing for Luanna since our expedition into Limbo.

  On my way to the waiting room, I had time to speculate as to whether or not this was one of my bodyguard’s little pranks. I decided that if it was, I would study hard until I knew enough magic to turn him into a toad.

  My suspicions were groundless. She was there. My beautiful blond goddess. What really made my heart leap, though, was that she had her luggage with her.

  “Hi, Luanna. What are you doing here? Where’s Matt? How have things been? Would you like something to drink? Could I...”

  I suddenly realized that I was babbling and forced myself to pause.

  “Aahh ... what I’m trying to say is that it’s good to see you.”

  That got me the slow smile that had haunted my dreams. “I’m glad, Skeeve. I was afraid you’d forgotten about me.”

  “Not a chance,” I said, then realized I was leering. “That is, no, I haven’t forgotten a thing about you.”

  Her deep blue eyes locked with mine, and I felt myself sinking helplessly into their depths.

  “That’s good,” she said in that musical voice of hers. “I was worried about taking you up on your offer after all this time.”

  That got through the fog that was threatening to envelop my mind. “Offer? What offer?”

  “Oh, you don’t remember! I thought ... oh, this is embarrassing.”

  “Wait a minute!” I cried. “I haven’t forgotten! It’s just that ... let me think ... it’s just...”

  Like a beam of sunlight in a swamp the memory came to me. “You mean when I said that you could come to work for Aahz and me? That’s it? Right?”

  “That’s what I was talking about!” The sun came from behind the clouds as she smiled again. “You see, Matt and I have split, and I thought...”

  “Do you want any breakfast, Daddy? You said ... oh! Hello.”

  “DADDY!!??”

  Markie and Luanna stared at each other.

  I revised my plans rapidly. I would study hard and turn myself into a toad.

  “I can explain, Luanna...” I began.

  “I think you should keep this one, Daddy,” Markie said, never taking her eyes off Luanna. “She’s a lot prettier than the other one.”

  “THE OTHER ... Oh! You mean Tananda.”

  “No, I mean...”

  “MARKIE!” I interrupted desperately. “Why don’t you wait for me in the kitchen? I’ll be along in a minute after I finish talking to...”

  “Skeevie, are we going to go shopping?” Bunny slithered into the room. “I need ... who’s that!?”

  “Me? I’m nobody.” Luanna responded grimly. “I never realized until just now how much of a nobody I am!”

  “Well, the job’s already taken, if that’s what you’re here for,” Bunny smirked.

  “Wait a minute! It’s a different job! Really! Luanna, I can ... Luanna??”

  Sometime during my hysteria, the love of my life had gathered up her bags and left. I was talking to empty air.

  “Gee, Skeevie. What’re you talkin’ to her for when you got me? Aren’t I...”

  “Daddy. Can I...”

  “SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU! Let me think!”

  Try as I might, the only thought that kept coming to me was that maybe Aahz was right. Maybe kids were more trouble than I thought.

  “REALLY, HOT STUFF. Do you think this is such a great idea?”

  “Massha, please! I’m trying to think things out. I couldn’t get my thoughts together back at Chaos Central with Aahz nattering at me, and I won’t be able to do it now if you start up. Now, are you going to help or not?”

  My apprentice shrugged her massive shoulders. “Okay. What do you want me to do?”

  “Just keep an eye on those two and see that they don’t get into any trouble while I think.”

  “Keep them out of trouble? At the Bazaar at Deva? Aren’t Guido and Nunzio supposed to...”

  “Massha!”

  “All right. All right. I want it noted, though, that I’m taking this assignment under protest.”

  I’m sure I didn’t give Aahz this much back talk when I was apprenticed to him. Every time I say that out loud, however, my partner bursts into such gales of laughter that now I tend to keep the thought to myself, even when he isn’t around.

  After some resistance, I had agreed to take Bunny and Markie on a stroll through the Bazaar. As I said to Massha, this was more to get a bit of time away from Aahz than it was giving in to Bunny’s whining, though that voice was not easy to ignore.

  In acknowledgment of Aahz’s repeated warnings of trouble, I had recruited my apprentice to accompany us so I’d have a backup if things went awry. Guido and Nunzio were along, of course, but they were more concerned with things coming at me than with anything anyone in our party might do to the immediate environment.

  All in all, we made quite a procession. Two Mob bodyguards, a woman-mountain disguised as a jewelry display, a moll, a kid, and me! For a change, I wasn’t the “kid” of the party. There was something to be said for having an honest-to-goodness child traveling with you. It automatically made one look older and somehow more responsible.

  We had been in residence at the Bazaar for some time now, and the neighborhood merchants were pretty much used to us. That is, they knew that if I was interested, I’d come to them. If I wasn’t, no amount of wheedling or cajoling would tempt me into buying. That might seem a little strange to you, after all my glowing accounts of the wonders for sale at the Bazaar, but I had fallen into the pattern quite naturally. You see, if you just visit the Bazaar once in a while, it’s all quite impressive, and you feel compelled to buy just to keep from losing out on some really nifty bargains. If you live there, on the other hand, there’s no real compulsion to buy anything right now. I mean, if I need a plant that grows ten feet in a minute, I’ll buy it ... when I need it. Until then, the plant can stay in its shop three doors from our tent, and my money can stay in my pocket.

  That’s how th
ings were, normally. Of course, my situation today was anything but normal. I had known this all along, of course, but I hadn’t really stopped to think through all the ramifications of my current state of affairs.

  Okay. So I was dumb. Remember, I was taking this stroll to try to get a chance to think. Remember?

  Maybe I hadn’t zeroed in on what my party looked like, but the Deveels spotted the difference before we had gone half a block.

  Suddenly, every Deveel who hadn’t been able to foist off some trinket on me for the last two years was out to give it one more try.

  “Love potions! Results guaranteed!”

  “Snake necklaces! Poisonous and non!”

  “Special discounts for the Great Skeeve!”

  “Special discounts for any friend of the Great Skeeve!”

  “Try our...”

  “Buy my...”

  “Taste these...”

  Most of this was not aimed at me, but at Bunny and Markie. The Deveels swarmed around them like ... well, like Deveels smelling an easy profit. This is not to say that Guido and Nunzio weren’t doing their jobs. If they hadn’t been clearing a path for us, we wouldn’t have been able to move at all. As it was, our progress was simply slowed to a crawl.

  “Still think this was a good idea, High Roller?”

  “Massha! If you...”

  “Just asking. If you can think in this racket, though, you’ve got better concentration than I do.”

  She was right, but I wasn’t about to admit it. I just kept staring forward as we walked, tracking the activity around me out of the corners of my eyes without turning my head.

  “Skeevie! Can I have...”

  “No.”

  “Look at...”

  “No.”

  “Couldn’t we...”

  “No!”

  Bunny was getting to be a pain. She seemed to want everything in sight. Fortunately, I had developed the perfect defense. All I had to do was say “No!” to everything.

  “Why did we go shopping if we aren’t going to buy anything?”

  “Well...”

  So much for my perfect defense. Not to be stymied, I switched immediately to Plan B, which was simply to keep our purchases at a minimum. I didn’t seem to be too successful at that, either, but I consoled myself by trying to imagine how much junk we would have gotten loaded down with if I hadn’t been riding the brake.