MA06 Little Myth Marker

by Robert Asprin

  Try as I might, though, I couldn’t still a little voice in the back of my mind that kept telling me that the ideal solution would be to take the Kid to the cleaners. Of course, that was impossible. Right? Right?

  WHILE MY LIFE may seem convoluted and depressing at times, at least there is one being who never turns from me in my hours of need.

  “Gleep!”

  I’ve never understood how a dragon’s tongue can be slimy and sandpapery at the same time, but it is. Well, at least the one belonging to my dragon is.

  “Down, fella... dow... hey! C’mon, Gleep. Stop it!”

  “Gleep!” my pet declared as he deftly dodged my hands and left one more slimy trail across my face.

  Obedient to a fault. They say you can judge a man’s leadership ability by how well he handles animals.

  “Darn it, Gleep! This is serious!”

  I’ve often tried to convince Aahz that my dragon actually understands what I say. Whether that was the case here or if he was just sensitive to my tone, Gleep sank back on his haunches and cocked his head attentively.

  “That’s better,” I sighed, daring to breathe through my nose again. Dragons have notoriously bad breath (hence the expression “dragon mouth”), and my pet’s displays of affection had the unfortunate side effect of making me feel more than slightly faint. Of course, even breathing through my mouth, I could still taste it.

  “You see, I’ve got a problem... well, several problems, and I thought maybe talking them out without being interrupted might...”

  “Gleep!”

  The tongue flicked out again, this time catching me with my mouth open. While I love my pet, there are times I wish he were... smaller. Times like this... and when I have to clean out his litter box.

  “You want I should lean on the dragon for you, Boss?”

  I looked around and discovered Nunzio sitting on one of the garden benches.

  “Oh. Hi, Nunzio. What are you doing here? I thought you and Guido usually made yourself scarce when I was exercising Gleep.”

  “That’s usually,” the bodyguard shrugged. “My cousin and me, we talked it over and decided with this Ax fella on the loose that one of us should stick with you all the time, know what I mean? Right now it’s my shift, and I’ll be hangin’ tight... no matter what you’re doin’.”

  “I appreciate that, but I don’t think there’s any danger of getting hit here. I already decided not to take Gleep outside until the coast is clear. No sense tempting fate.”

  That was at least partially true. What I had really decided was that I didn’t want to give the Ax a chance to strike at me through my pet. Aahz already complained enough about having a dragon in residence without adding fuel to the fire. Of course, if my suspicions were correct and Bunny was the Ax...

  “Better safe than sorry... and you didn’t answer my question. You want I should lean on the dragon?”

  Sometimes the logic of my bodyguards eluded me completely.

  “No. I mean, why should you lean on Gleep? You look comfortable where you are.”

  Nunzio rolled his eyes. “I don’t mean ‘lean on him’ like really lean on him. I mean, do you want me to bend him a little? You know, rough him up some. I stay outta things between you and your partner, but you shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of guff from a dragon.”

  “He’s just being friendly.”

  “Friendly, schmendly. From what I’ve seen, you’re in more danger from getting knocked off by your own pet than by anyone else I’ve seen at the Bazaar. All I’ve ever asked is that you let me do my job... I am supposed to be guardin’ your body, ya’ know. That’s how my position got its lofty title.”

  Not for the first time, I was impressed by Nunzio’s total devotion to his work. For a moment I was tempted to let him do what he wanted. At the last minute, though, an image flashed through my mind of my outsized bodyguard and my dragon going at it hammer and tongs in the middle of the garden.

  “Umm... thanks, but I think I’ll pass, Nunzio. Gleep can be a pain sometimes, but I kind of like him jumping all over me once in a while. It makes me feel loved. Besides, I wouldn’t want to see him get hurt... or you either, for that matter.”

  “Jumpin’ up on you is one thing. Doin’ it when you don’t want him to is sompin’ else. Besides, I wouldn’t hurt him. I’d just... here, let me show you!”

  Before I could stop him, he was on his feet, taking a straddle-legged stance facing my dragon.

  “C’mere, Gleep. C’mon, fella.”

  My pet’s head snapped around, then he went bounding toward what he thought was a new playmate. “Nunzio. I...”

  Just as the dragon reached him, my bodyguard held out a hand, palm outward.

  “Stop, Gleep! Sit! I said SIT!!”

  What happened next I had to reconstruct later from replaying my memory, it happened so fast.

  Nunzio’s hand snaked out and closed over Gleep’s snout. With a jerk he pulled the nose down until it was under my pet’s head, then pushed up sharply.

  In mid-stride the dragon’s haunches dropped into a sitting position and he stopped, all the while batting his eyelashes in bewilderment.

  “Now stay. Stay!!”

  My bodyguard carefully opened his hand and stepped back, holding his palm flat in front of my pet’s face.

  Gleep quivered slightly but didn’t budge from his sitting position.

  “See, Boss? He’ll mind,” Nunzio called over his shoulder. “Ya just gotta be firm with him.”

  I suddenly realized my jaw was dangling somewhere around my knees. “What... that’s incredible, Nunzio! How did you... what did you...”

  “I guess you never knew,” he grinned. “I used ta be an animal trainer... mostly the nasty ones for shows, know what I mean?”

  “An animal trainer?”

  “Yeah. It seemed like a logical extension of bein’ a schoolteacher... only without the parents to worry about.”

  I had to sit down. Between the demonstration with Gleep and the sudden insight to his background, Nunzio had my brain on overload.

  “An animal trainer and a schoolteacher.”

  “That’s right. Say, you want I should work with your dragon some more now that he’s quieted down?”

  “No. Let him run for a while. This is supposed to be his exercise time.”

  “You’re the Boss.”

  He turned toward Gleep and clapped his hands sharply. The dragon bounded backwards, then crouched close to the ground, ready to play.

  “Get it, boy!”

  Moving with surprising believability, the bodyguard scooped an imaginary ball from the ground and pretended to throw it to the far end of the garden.

  Gleep spun around and sprinted off in the direction of the “throw,” flattening a bench and two shrubs as he went.

  “Simply amazing,” I murmured.

  “I didn’t mean to butt in,” Nunzio said, sinking into the seat beside me. “It just looked like you wanted to talk and your dragon wanted to frolic.”

  “It’s all right. I’d rather talk to you, anyway.”

  I was moderately astounded to discover this was true. I’d always been a bit of a loner, but lately it seemed I not only was able to talk to people, I enjoyed it. I hoped it wouldn’t seriously change my friendship with Gleep.

  “Me? Sure, Boss. What did you want to talk about?”

  “Oh, nothing special. I guess I just realized we’ve never really talked, just the two of us. Tell me, how do you like our operation here?”

  “It’s okay, I guess. Never really thought about it much. It’s not your run-of-the-mill Mob operation, that much is for sure. You got some strange people hangin’ around you... but they’re nice. I’d give my right arm for any one of them, they’re so nice. That’s different right there. Most outfits, everybody’s tryin’ to get ahead... so
they spend more time watchin’ each other than they do scopin’ the opposition. Here, everybody covers for each other instead of nudging the other guy out.”

  “Do you want to get ahead, Nunzio?”

  “Yes and no, know what I mean? I don’t want to be doin’ the same thing the rest of my life, but I’m not pushy to get to the top. Actually, I kinda like workin’ for someone else. I let them make the big decisions, then all I gotta do is figure out how to make my part happen.”

  “You certainly do your part around here,” I nodded. “I never knew before how hard a bodyguard works.”

  “Really? Gee, it’s good to hear you say that, Boss. Sometimes Guido and me, we feel like dead weight around here. Maybe that’s why we work so hard to do our jobs. I never thought much about whether I do or don’t like it here. I mean, I go where I’m assigned and do what I’m told, so it doesn’t matter what I think. Right? What I do know, though, is that I’d be real sorry if I had to leave. Nobody’s ever treated me like you and your crew do.”

  Nunzio might not be an intellectual giant or the swiftest wit I’ve known, but I found his simple honesty touching... not to mention the loyalty it implied.

  “Well, you’ve got a job here as long as I’ve got anything to say about it.” I assured him.

  “Thanks, Boss. I was startin’ to get a little tired of how the Mob operates, know what I mean?”

  That rang a bell in my mind.

  “Speaking of that, Nunzio, do you think the Mob would ever get involved with something like this character assassination thing?”

  The bodyguard’s brow furrowed with the effort of thinking.

  “Naw!” he said at last. “Mostly people pay us not to do things. If we do have to do a number on someone, it’s usually to make an example of them and we do something flashy like burn down their house or break their legs. Who would know it if we wrecked their career? What Tananda was sayin’ about the Ax was interesting, but it’s just not our style.”

  “Not even for the right price?” I urged. “How much do you think it would take to get Don Bruce to send someone in here after us?”

  “I dunno. I’d have to say at least... wait a minute! Are you askin’ if Bunny’s the Ax?”

  “Well, she did...”

  “Forget it, Boss. Even if she could handle the job, which I’m not too sure she could, Don Bruce would never send her after you. Heck, you’re one of his favorite chieftains right now. You should hear him...”

  Nunzio suddenly pressed his palms against his cheeks to make exaggerated jowls as he spoke. “...Dat Skeeve, he’s really got it on the ball, know what I mean? Mercy! If I had a hundred like him I could take over dis whole organization.”

  His imitation of Don Bruce was so perfect I had to laugh.

  “That’s great, Nunzio. Has he ever seen you do that?”

  “I’m still employed and breathin’, aren’t I?” he winked. “Seriously, though. You’re barkin’ up the wrong tree with Bunny. Believe me, you’re the apple of her uncle’s eye right now.”

  “I suppose you’re right,” I sighed. “If you are, though, it leaves me right back where I started. Who is the Ax and what can...”

  “Hi guys! Is that a private conversation, or can anyone join?”

  We glanced up to find Bunny and Markie entering the garden. “C’mon over, Bunny!” I waved, nudging Nunzio slightly in the ribs. “We were just going to...”

  “GLEEP!!!”

  Suddenly my dragon was in front of me. Crouching and tense, he didn’t look playful at all. I had only seen him like this a couple of times before, and then...

  “STOP IT, GLEEP! GLEEP!!!” I screamed, realizing too late what was about to happen.

  Fortunately, Nunzio was quicker than I was. From his sitting position he threw himself forward in a body check against my pet’s neck, just as the dragon let loose with a stream of fire. The flames leapt forward to harmlessly scorch a wall.

  Bunny swept Markie behind her with one arm. “Geez! What was...”

  “I’ll get him!” Markie cried, balling up her fists.

  “MARKIE!! STOP!!”

  “But Daddy...”

  “Just hold it. Okay? Nunzio?”

  “I’ve got him, Boss,” he called, both hands wrapped securely around Gleep’s snout as the dragon struggled to get free.

  “Bunny! You and Markie get inside! Now!!!”

  The two of them hurried from sight, and I turned my attention to my pet.

  Gleep seemed to have calmed down as fast as he had exploded, now that Bunny and Markie were gone. Nunzio was stroking his neck soothingly while staring at me in wide-eyed amazement.

  “I dunno what happened there, Boss, but he seems okay now.”

  “What happened,” I said grimly, “was Gleep trying to protect me from something or someone he saw as a threat.”

  “But Boss...”

  “Look Nunzio, I know you mean well, but Gleep and I go back a long way. I trust his instincts more than I do my own judgment.”

  “But...”

  “I want you to do two things right away. First, put Gleep back in his stable... I think he’s had enough exercise for one day. Then get word to Don Bruce. I want to have a little talk with him about his ‘present’!”

  “I TELL YOU, partner, this is crazy!”

  “Like heck it is!”

  “Bunny can’t be the Ax! She’s a space cadet.”

  “That’s what she’d like us to think. I found out different!”

  “Really? How?”

  “By ... well, by talking to her.”

  I spotted the flaw in my logic as soon as I said it, and Aahz wasn’t far behind.

  “Skeeve,” he said solemnly, “has it occurred to you that if she’s the Ax and you’re her target, that you would probably be the last person she would relax around? Do you really think you could trick her into giving away her I.Q. in a simple conversation?”

  “Well ... maybe she was being clever. It could be that it was her way of trying to throw us off the track.”

  My partner didn’t say anything to that. He just cocked his head and raised one eyebrow very high.

  “It could be,” I repeated lamely.

  “C’mon, Skeeve. Give.”

  “What?”

  “Even you need more evidence than that before you go off half-cocked. What are you holding back?”

  He had me. I was just afraid that he was going to find my real reason even less believable than the one I had already stated.

  “Okay,” I said with a sigh. “If you really want to know, what finally convinced me was that Gleep doesn’t like her.”

  “Gleep? You mean that stupid dragon of yours? That Gleep?”

  “Gleep isn’t st...”

  “Partner, your dragon doesn’t like me! That doesn’t make me the Ax!!”

  “He’s never tried to fry you, either!”

  That one stopped him for a moment. “He did that? He really let fly at Bunny?”

  “That’s right. If Nunzio hadn’t been there...”

  As if summoned by the mention of his name, the bodyguard stuck his head into the room.

  “Hey, Boss! Don Bruce is here.”

  “Show him in.”

  “I still think you’re making a mistake,” Aahz warned, leaning against a wall.

  “Maybe,” I said grimly. “With luck I’ll get Don Bruce to confirm my suspicions before I show my cards.”

  “This I’ve got to see.”

  “There you are, Skeeve. The boys said you wanted to see me.”

  Don Bruce is the Mob’s fairy godfather. I’ve never seen him dressed in anything that wasn’t lavender, and today was no exception. His ensemble included shorts, sandals, a floppy brimmed hat, and a sports shirt with large dark purple flowers printed all over it. Maybe my wardrobe ses
sions with Bunny were making me overly sensitive on the subject of clothes, but his attire hardly seemed appropriate for one of the most powerful men in the Mob.

  Even his dark glasses had violet lenses.

  “You know, this is quite a place you got here. Never been here before, but I heard a lot about it in the yearly report. It doesn’t look this big from the outside.”

  “We like to keep a low profile,” I said.

  “Yeah, I know. It’s like I keep tellin’ ‘em back at Mob Central, you run a class operation. I like that. Makes us all look good.”

  I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable. The last thing I wanted to discuss with Don Bruce was our current operation.

  “Like some wine?” Aahz chimed in, coming to my rescue.

  “It’s a little early, but why not? So! What is it you wanted to see me about?”

  “It’s about Bunny.”

  “Bunny? Oh yeah. How’s she workin’ out?”

  Even if I hadn’t already been suspicious, Don Bruce’s response would have seemed overly casual. Aahz caught it too, raising his eyebrow again as he poured the wine.

  “I thought we should have a little chat about why you sent her here.”

  “What’s to chat about? You needed a moll, and I figured...”

  “I mean the real reason.”

  Our guest paused, glanced back and forth between Aahz and me a couple of times, then shrugged his shoulders. “She told you, huh? Funny, I would have thought that was one secret she would have kept.”

  “Actually, I figured it out all by myself. In fact, when the subject came up, she denied it.”

  “Always said you were smart, Skeeve. Now I see you’re smart enough to get me to admit to what you couldn’t trick out of Bunny. Pretty good.”

  I shot a triumphant glance at Aahz, who was suddenly very busy with the wine. Despite my feeling of victory over having puzzled out the identity of the Ax, I was still more than a little annoyed.

  “What I can’t figure out,” I said, “is why you tried it in the first place. I’ve always played it pretty straight with you.”

  At least Don Bruce had the grace to look embarrassed. “I know, I know. It seemed like a good idea at the time, is all. I was in a bit of a spot, and it seemed like a harmless way out.”