Six Pack of Sleuths: Comedy Mysteries

by Barbara Silkstone

  ‘Nice name. And what does that mean in Turkish?’ I asked.

  He shrugged. ‘It means lamb. I’m training her to be a sniffer sheep.’

  ‘A what?’ What the hell was that?

  ‘Well, have you seen the state of the sniffer dogs here? They can’t do a thing right. No, this is going to be the way of the future. Sniffer sheep.’

  ‘Er…and what can Kuzu sniff so far?’ I frowned, scratching her behind the ears, which had just pricked up, like she knew we were talking about her.

  ‘She can sniff out olives. If the wind’s in the right direction, she can sniff out wild sage.’ Osman sounded so proud, as if he were talking about his own child. ‘She can sniff me out when I’m hiding in the garden. She’s a quick learner, though. I’ve been training her for a year since she was a little lamb. Soon she will be fully trained.’

  What had I let myself in for? Osman had to be nuts, surely. I tried to disguise my look of unbelieving terror as polite interest. I’m not sure if it worked, but Osman didn’t seem to notice.

  ‘Yasmin and Deniz have been having trouble with the rental car. It keeps breaking down. Not like this reliable beauty.’ Osman patted the dashboard lovingly.

  Maybe loving old heaps of cars was hereditary. Now I knew where Kalem got it from with his wreck of a Land Rover back in the UK.

  ‘What car did they hire?’ I asked Kalem.

  ‘I booked a Land Rover for us all. I wanted to take you off-roading up in the mountains. The scenery is absolutely amazing – views for miles over the sea and the Kyrenia mountain range. I thought we could have a romantic picnic up there this week before the wedding, just the two of us.’ Kalem hugged me towards him.

  ‘It broke down again on their way to pick you up, so I volunteered instead,’ Osman said.

  ‘I had a Land Rover in the UK for fifteen years. It never broke down.’ Kalem shook his head to himself.

  Osman tried to drive off, when suddenly his mum yelled something at him, and he did an emergency stop, the ancient Renault creaking and shuddering like something was about to snap.

  She ambled slowly out of the car, then proceeded to break a hardboiled egg on the bumper and peel off the shell. Next, she climbed back in the car and handed it to me with a nightmarish cackle.

  I shook my head manically and gave her my best I-don’t-really-think-you-are-a-nutcase smile, but really I was thinking three words: Crazy. Crazy. Crazy.

  OK, now I was building a mental list of bad things about moving here. First up was:

  1) Crazy extended family.

  The car made a scraping sound as it pulled away, like a bit of bumper was hanging off, or, even worse, our suitcases were falling out the back. Luckily, it distracted me from my anxiety attack.

  I turned around to check that our clothes weren’t billowing out in a stream behind us and saw Ferret Face following in a black Mercedes. Actually, if he were any closer, he’d be on our laps. His eye had stopped twitching, but he was giving me a funny look. Glaring at me almost. Strange.

  ‘They’re all waiting for you at the hotel,’ Osman said. ‘It’s been so good catching up with Yasmin and Deniz since they arrived.’

  ‘Do you think you should turn the headlights on?’ I asked Osman as we drove up to the exit barrier of the car park with Ferret Face following close behind.

  Osman shook his head. ‘I always forget that.’ He flipped on the lights and pulled a coin out of his pocket, licked it, then shoved it in the money slot. The barrier lifted and we slowly drove off.

  Ferret Face jerked to a halt at the barrier and slammed his money in the slot, but the barrier wouldn’t open. The last thing I saw out the rear window was Ferret Face kicking the barrier machine and waving his fist at us. How bizarre. Maybe my elbow had crushed the ferret food in his suitcase when I fell on top of him and he wanted to sue me. Whatever it was, I wasn’t going to stop to find out. He looked a bit upset to me.

  We turned onto a dual carriageway. Well, that was a good sign anyway. At least it wasn’t a narrow little dirt track that was only suitable for donkeys. Not that I’d ever actually analyzed the finer points of a dual carriageway before. But the place couldn’t be that basic and unspoiled if it had one, surely?

  ****

  As we got nearer to Kyrenia, which was one of the main tourist resorts, we came over the mountains and saw the twinkly lights of the town below. To our left, a large section of the mountain was lit up like a giant Christmas tree; a dazzling display of white neon. It looked amazing in the dark, but someone must have had a hefty electric bill.

  ‘What’s that?’ I pointed out the window.

  ‘St Hilarion Castle,’ Osman said. ‘You should visit it when you get the chance. It’s a spectacular sight. Perched high up in the Kyrenia mountain range, the views of the Mediterranean are like nothing you’ve seen before. You can see for miles up there.’

  ‘It looks amazing.’ I gazed at it.

  ‘The castle was named after a monk who fled from persecution in Palestine in the seventh century,’ Kalem said. ‘There’s a legend that he was deaf, so he was able to resist the tempting cries of pagan demons who lived on the mountain. I’ll have to take you up there after the wedding when we have more time.’

  ‘What happened to the demons?’ I asked, feeling a tad worried. It was bad enough with a cursed statue on the island, never mind demons as well.

  ‘Well,’ Osman went on, ‘because the monk couldn’t hear them, they finally left the mountain in peace, and a monastery later sprang up around his tomb. After a while, a fort was added as well. It was built into the mountains, and it’s got a kind of fairytale look about it. All towers and walls. In fact, there’s a rumour that Walt Disney based the Snow White Castle on it. Richard the Lionheart captured the castle on his way to the Third Crusade, and some people still think that the Holy Grail was actually hidden somewhere inside.’

  Demons, Disney castles, and Holy Grails? Sounded a bit Da Vinci Code to me. Still, if Indiana Jones and Walt Disney were inspired by North Cyprus, it had to be a good sign. I started an opposing mental list of things I was going to like about being here, and thought I was doing pretty well. So far, I had:

  1) Kalem

  2) Sunshine

  3) Beaches

  4) A Disney Castle

  5) Indiana Jones searched for Holy Grail here (not sure if that was technically correct, I couldn’t remember the actual plot of the film)

  6) A dual carriageway.

  ‘It’s even more impressive during the day.’ Kalem stroked the inside of my palm with his thumb.

  A bolt of electricity zapped up my spine. Ooh, just you wait until I get you to the hotel, Kalem Mustafa, and try that chocolate body paint out. Who said a girl couldn’t have chocolate and an orgasm?

  ‘Have you ever climbed it?’ I asked, nuzzling into his shoulder.

  ‘Yes, Mum and Dad made us climb it the last time we all came here on a family holiday when I was about ten.’

  We finally pulled up outside our hotel – not quite the plush Plaza, but still pretty damn nice – to a welcome party of Yasmin and Deniz, Ayshe and her husband, Atila, and Charlie. Yasmin’s hands flapped around when she saw us. Deniz looked pretty plastered with a glass of whisky in his hand (a regular occurrence). Atila rubbed Ayshe’s back as she shuffled her glowing pregnant body from one foot to the other with a beaming smile. And Charlie…well, he was in a tight, pink jumpsuit, bouncing up and down. Need I say more? It left little to the imagination, and I’m pretty sure he had been stuffing socks down there again, if you know what I mean.

  Hugs and kisses galore from everyone before they all admonished Kalem for carrying on the burka joke too far.

  ‘I’ll leave you all to catch up then.’ Osman gave a puzzled look at Charlie’s attire and clambered into the Renault.

  We all waved goodbye as it popped and groaned back down the driveway.

  ‘I’ve missed you all already, and you’ve only been out here for two days.’ I could feel my eyes we
lling up. ‘God, what am I going to be like when you all go back to the UK after the wedding?’ I swallowed to stop my eyes watering.

  Ayshe started crying then as well. ‘This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Look at the pair of us.’ She smudged her eyeliner as she dabbed at her eye.

  ‘Now, now. No tears.’ Yasmin hugged me into her warm, cuddly body.

  ‘I know, let’s have a drink.’ Deniz’s eyes lit up at the thought.

  Yasmin slapped him on the head. ‘I think you’ve had enough already. You don’t need a reason to celebrate.’

  Deniz yelped. ‘Get off me, woman.’ He slunk backwards, out of slapping distance. ‘We need to celebrate their coming niptuals.’

  I giggled. ‘I think you mean nuptials.’

  Charlie jumped up and down again, clapping his hands together. ‘And talking of nuptials, the wedding plans are going to perfection! I’ve confirmed and reconfirmed all the arrangements. I’ll get my clipboard in a minute and go through the details with you so far.’

  Deniz looked surreptitiously around the hotel entrance before leaning in closer. ‘Wait until you see what’s in the mini-bar,’ he whispered.

  ‘Oh, I know. They’ve got those fabby honey-roasted nuts in there.’ Charlie licked his lips. ‘Yummy.’

  ‘No, not the nuts. They’ve got condoms in there.’ Deniz nodded at us all.

  Yasmin rolled her eyes. ‘He’s obsessed with the condoms now.’

  ‘Yes, but these aren’t any old condoms. They’re curry flavour!’ Deniz’s eyes lit up like he’d just discovered some really complicated mathematical theory. ‘We’ve only got mild flavour in ours, though.’ He looked disappointed at this. ‘I’m trying to find spicy ones. If you’ve got any spicy ones in your mini-bar, I’ll swap you for the mild ones,’ he said to me.

  ‘Ssh!’ Yasmin said to Deniz. ‘I think we’ll say goodnight now and let you youngsters have some fun. It’s about time Whisky Face here gave his drinking arm a rest.’ Yasmin jerked her head towards Deniz and then gave us all a kiss. ‘We’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast.’ She grabbed Deniz’s arm, pulling him into the entrance of the hotel and steering him – quite reluctantly – away from the bar area.

  ‘Right, let me just grab a bottle of champagne.’ Charlie disappeared.

  Atila picked up my suitcase and led the way to our room after we’d checked into the honeymoon suite.

  Honeymoon suite! God, I still couldn’t believe this was really happening. I was getting married and I was so excited I was about to pop something. I’d finally be a grown up. Not that not being married didn’t make you a grown up, of course, it’s just that I would finally have everything I’d dreamed about. I was actually going to be married to the perfect man at my perfect wedding, and it kind of felt like a fairytale for grownups. I just wished my parents and my nan were alive to see it.

  ‘Oh, this is fantastic.’ I glanced at the huge super king size bed, draped with gold and burgundy cushions of varying shapes and sizes. Antique looking Turkish carpets adorned the marble floor, and the walls were covered with expensive looking wall paper, embossed in a matching colour scheme. But the best bit was a circular Jacuzzi in the middle of the room, overlooking the floor to ceiling glass windows that gave us a fantastic view of the lights below. I couldn’t wait to give that a go.

  ‘This room is fabby-dabby.’ Charlie appeared behind us with a clipboard in one hand and a bottle of champagne in the other. He set the bubbly down next to a tray of glasses on top of the mini-bar and ran a finger over the wallpaper. ‘I thought my room was nice, but this is amazing.’

  I dumped my handbag on the floor. ‘I have to get out of this burka.’ The room was hot, and I was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic in it. I clawed at the eye hole and heard a ripping sound as the material gave way, leaving me with a gaping hole at the front, which now left my whole face exposed. Well, at least I could have a drink easily now.

  Atila put my suitcase on a gold chair near the bed. ‘Right. Let’s get the champagne out.’ He grinned.

  Kalem did the honours, pouring out a toast for everyone, including Ayshe, who had a thimbleful. He slid an arm around my waist and drew me towards him. ‘To my wonderful bride-to-be and our exciting new life in Cyprus.’

  I grinned up at him to the sound of chinking glasses, and my anxiety about the move slipped into oblivion.

  Charlie cleared his throat. ‘Now, if I can have your attention, everyone. I want to go through the finer details of the wedding with you all.’ He perched some reading glasses on the end of his nose and concentrated on his clipboard. ‘OK, we have six days until the wedding. Not a lot of time, people, I know, and most of the arrangements are finalized, so we shouldn’t have to do much. But everyone needs to be on hand, just in case any last minute crisis pops up. Agreed?’ He peered up at us.

  We all agreed.

  ‘Now, there should be plenty of time for the pre-wedding relaxation that Helen and Kalem need before the big day. I’m envisioning sunbathing, cocktails by the pool, and a bit of exploring thrown in. Sound good to everyone?’

  Everyone agreed.

  ‘But we do have a bit of work to do.’ He held a finger up to emphasize the point. ‘The container that’s shipping Helen and Kalem’s personal stuff from the UK will arrive on Thursday, and you both have to be there to sign for it and have it inspected. So I expect you’ll both be a bit busy sorting out the boxes and furniture when it arrives.’ Charlie glanced at Kalem and me. ‘The wedding venue is confirmed, double confirmed, and re-confirmed.’ He peered at us all again to make sure we were taking it in. ‘I’ve already been to Bellapais Abbey several times to check the seating plan, table décor, menu etc. So we should have no problems there. Beautiful place, by the way. What could be more perfect than a wedding set in the ruins of a historic abbey, backlit by exotic lighting, and dotted with jasmine? Superb.’

  Since I’d never actually been to North Cyprus before, I’d had to choose a venue based on photos and the testimonials of other brides. It sounded like that choice was going to be a perfect one, too.

  ‘Ooh, I can’t wait to see the Abbey,’ I said to Kalem. ‘We have to go and have a look at it tomorrow.’

  ‘Your wedding dress needs to be hung properly and aired,’ Charlie went on. ‘If there are any creases from the suitcase, I’ve sourced a dry cleaner to steam them out. The same goes for your suit, Kalem. If you give them to me tomorrow, I’ll arrange everything.’ He paused for a slight breath. Only slight, mind you. ‘Dresses and suits of other parties attending have already been inspected and found to be crease-free and in excellent condition.’

  I giggled. Charlie sounded like he was in the army, arranging warfare manoeuvres with extreme precision. I didn’t think I’d ever seen him be so serious about anything. ‘Other parties? You mean, Ayshe, Atila, Deniz, Yasmin, and you?’ I asked.

  Charlie raised an eyebrow at my giggling. ‘You may mock, but planning a wedding is a very difficult task, you know. And when you asked me to be your official wedding planner, I swore to uphold my duty and give you a perfect wedding.’

  I stopped giggling abruptly. ‘Sorry, Charlie,’ I said, not pointing out that, actually, we hadn’t asked him. He’d kind of volunteered for the job. And as he was a best friend of all of ours, and he’d been so excited about being involved, I couldn’t exactly refuse. And I was really grateful, of course. It would be so nice to be able to sit back and let him take care of the finer details, saving me from spontaneously combusting with nerves. I just hoped to God that he’d followed my colour scheme. If Charlie had anything to do with it, everything at the wedding would be pink, pink, and more pink.

  He released his grip on the clipboard and placed it carefully on the writing desk as if it were a fragile work of art. ‘Finally, I’ve had a slight issue with the wedding song.’ His cheeks turned the same shade as his jumpsuit.

  ‘What sort of issue?’ I took a sip of wine and gazed at Charlie over the rim of the glass.

  ‘Well, y
ou wanted Love Me Tender by Elvis, and I could’ve sworn that I double-checked that the CD I brought with me was actually the one with Love Me Tender on it. But…erm…unfortunately, there’s been a mix-up.’

  ‘Spit it out, Charlie. What sort of mix-up?’ Kalem looked amused at how serious Charlie was taking his duties.

  Charlie let out an embarrassed cough. ‘Paul is always putting the wrong CDs back in the case. It drives me mad, you know–’

  ‘Yes, get to the point, Charlie,’ I interrupted.

  ‘The thing is, he was doing a stripping gig at the London Gay Pride festival recently, and he made up a CD for his routine. And…well, that’s the one in the CD case I’ve got.’ He glanced down at his shoes. ‘If you want to change your mind and have Barbara Streisand or Gloria Gaynor as your wedding song, then this CD is perfect, but…well, I’m afraid there’s no Elvis on it.’

  I shrugged. ‘That’s not much of a problem. You must be able to buy another CD of Elvis here.’

  ‘Mmm, that’s the problem, you see. I’ve been looking and I haven’t found one yet. But don’t worry about it. I’m sure I can source that song soon. It’s absolutely nothing to worry about.’ Charlie waved a dismissive hand through the air.

  I smiled to myself. I didn’t even really like Elvis, but it was my nan’s favourite song. Sadly, she’d passed away three months ago so she couldn’t be at the wedding with me, and I thought the next best thing was to have one of her favourite songs playing to remind me of her. That, and the lucky charm she’d given me before she’d died would mean that she really would be with me in spirit, looking down on me for the most important day of my life.

  ‘So, any questions, hmm?’ Charlie asked.

  I gave him a kiss on the cheek. ‘No, I don’t think so. I know you’ll do a fabulous job. Nothing is going to spoil my perfect wedding.’

  ‘Maybe we should let these love birds get to bed.’ Ayshe collected everyone’s glasses and put them on the ornate desk. ‘They must be tired from all that travelling.’ She kissed Kalem and me goodnight on both cheeks. ‘We’ll see you in the morning for a bit of relaxation and de-stressing.’ She gave me a knowing smile. ‘Oh, it’s so exciting!’