Six Pack of Sleuths: Comedy Mysteries

by Barbara Silkstone

  ‘They do get a few power cuts here, though, so we’ll need to make sure we’ve got lots of candles in the house.’

  ‘How many power cuts?’

  ‘Well, a few. You have to sacrifice a few things for the simple life.’ He kissed me softly on the lips. ‘Mmm. Just think of the plus side. No electric, just ambient candle light and a bottle of wine, staring at the stars with the woman I love. In fact, they’ll be doing us a favour. Think of all those romantic nights.’

  ‘Oh, yes. Now you look at it that way. Bring on the power cuts! Hey, what’s this?’ I noticed a bottle of wine on the worktop, a card propped against it with our names on. ‘Is this in preparation for the power cuts?’

  Kalem read the card. ‘It’s a welcome present from Mum and Dad. It says the whole family spent the last couple of days cleaning it up for us before we got here, as a surprise.’

  ‘How sweet of them.’ I smiled.

  He rummaged around in a draw, trying to find a bottle opener. ‘How about a nice glass of wine on the terrace, watching the sunset?’

  I raised an eyebrow at his suggestion. ‘Now that’s more like it.’

  Chapter 7

  In my daydreams, this was exactly how I’d pictured an idyllic new life abroad (and I’d had quite a few, believe me).

  Sitting on the edge of the terrace, leisurely drinking wine, and watching the colour of the sun turn from lemon to citrus to orangey red with my future husband. For a moment, I could pretend that I didn’t have any worries at all. I could forget that we were mixed up in some crazy plot that would probably affect our lives in an irreparable way.

  And I wanted to forget.

  So when Kalem set down his empty glass on the patio and gazed at me with his intense dark eyes, flecked with green, I couldn’t think of anything more perfect than to make love outside under the flickering stars, with the crickets singing in the distance, and the warm air stroking my naked skin.

  He cupped my chin and drew my lips towards his.

  Oh, God, yes. Just like that. Mmm. Fantastic. Nice and slow.

  He gently pushed me down onto the warm terracotta tiles.

  Ooh, hello, nipples springing to attention. Down a bit, down a bit. Bit lower. There! Right there. Wow! Yes, yes…

  I sat bolt upright. ‘Agh!’

  Kalem leaped up. ‘What? Have you been stung by something?’

  ‘Oh, my God!’

  ‘What? Bitten by a snake?’

  ‘I’ve just had an idea.’ I grabbed my clothes and started pulling them on.

  Kalem rubbed his forehead. ‘What?’

  I kissed him hard on the lips. ‘I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t concentrate until we get this thing sorted out. I thought I could, but I can’t. And I’ve had another idea we can try.’

  Kalem pulled on his shorts, trying to manoeuvre them over his own one-eyed trouser snake. ‘Ouch!’

  ‘We can go to the Plaza and warn Ibrahim Kaya ourselves. Now. Tonight.’

  ‘OK,’ he drawled. ‘Good idea. And then that will be the end of it, and we can get back to this.’

  ‘Yes. Then we won’t have anything else to worry about. We can definitely get back to this. Right, come on. Start the Land Rover,’ I said as we jumped in.

  ‘I’m trying.’ Kalem turned the key in the ignition.

  Once. Twice. Three times.

  Nothing but a clicking sound.

  Kalem frowned. ‘Strange. Land Rovers are usually so reliable.’

  ‘Yes, your rusty old heap of junk never had a problem starting, and this one’s a lot newer than yours. Come on, come on.’ I jigged up and down in the seat.

  Fourth time and hey presto! We were off and rolling down the hill.

  ****

  We sped up the long, palm tree lined driveway to the Plaza and parked at a slightly wonky angle. A humongous gold lion statue and an even more humongous shiny black horse greeted us at the entrance. I said hello to the horse (the lion looked a bit scary) and raced to reception.

  Ooh – very plush! Purple and silver everywhere. Lots of soft velvet cushions, sofas, and thick curtains. Exotic potted palms that looked so glossy they must have been polished every day, marble pillars galore, a silver piano, fountains, sparkly lights, galleried silver ceiling with shiny diamondy thingies hanging down; lots of chrome, a couple more horses, and something that looked like a silver shark, but couldn’t possibly have been (only got a quick look, was in big hurry). You name it, they had it. And this was just the reception area. Even the white marble floor had glittery silver flecks in it. This was the height of plushness.

  ‘We need to see Ibrahim Kaya,’ I said breathlessly to the receptionist.

  ‘Do you have an appointment?’ She smiled a genuinely sweet smile at me.

  Oh, no. Not this again!

  ‘No. But it’s very urgent,’ Kalem said.

  ‘Very.’ I nodded vigorously.

  ‘Are you guests here?’ she asked.

  ‘YES!’ I said, which came out slightly higher pitched than I intended.

  ‘And which room number are you?’

  Quick! Pick a number! ‘Two hundred and thirteen.’ I gave another vigorous nod, just to get the point across. Ouch. Neck ache. I hoped I hadn’t given myself whiplash on top of everything else.

  ‘I’m sorry, madam, but you must be mistaken. We don’t have any number thirteens here. Some guests think it’s very bad luck.’

  ‘No! I meant two hundred and fourteen,’ I gushed, turning to Kalem. ‘It’s two hundred and fourteen, isn’t it, darling?’

  ‘Absolutely,’ he agreed.

  ‘And what exactly is the problem, sir, madam?’

  I thought about telling her the truth, but it would probably end up in some totally bizarre mix-up, knowing my luck, and we’d get thrown out. Or even worse, arrested.

  ‘I want to make a complaint.’ I leaned in closer to her over the reception desk.

  ‘Can you tell me what the complaint is regarding? I’m sure someone other than Mr. Kaya can help you with that.’ She smiled at me again.

  Stop smiling and just go and get him!

  She didn’t. She just waited patiently with that annoyingly helpful smile.

  I glanced round the lobby area, hoping for a sudden flash of inspiration, and spied a bar to the left. ‘Er…it’s about the mini-bar in our room.’

  ‘Yes, madam, and what’s wrong with the mini-bar?’

  Uh-oh. What could I say? It was too mini, too bar-ish? She’d probably think we were a couple of complete nutcases on day release from the nearest mental home.

  That’s it! ‘It’s the nuts,’ I blurted out.

  ‘The nuts?’ Her eyebrows flickered up in surprise. ‘What’s wrong with the nuts?’

  Oh, stop being so picky and just get him!

  ‘They’re too nutty,’ I said.

  ‘So if you could just go and get him, we’ll be able to put in our complaint. Thank you very much,’ Kalem said.

  ‘Too nutty?’ She furrowed her brow and made a note on a piece of paper. ‘Anything else?’ She looked up again, smile plastered all over her face.

  ‘Yes, they contain nuts,’ I said.

  ‘But they’re supposed to contain nuts.’ She paused, pondering this for a minute. ‘You know, I think our Housekeeping Department can help you with this simple problem, madam. I’ll just give them a ring.’

  ‘It’s not simple at all!’ I said. ‘It’s a very serious problem.’

  She looked at us both with bewildered eyes. ‘Because the nuts are too nutty?’

  ‘Yes! I’m allergic to nuts.’ I gave her my best shocked look, like she should really know this already. ‘Even the smell of nuts can give me a severe allergic reaction. In the UK, the packets of nuts always have a label stating “may contain nuts” but these didn’t.’

  The receptionist looked confused. ‘So in the UK, you have warning labels on packets of nuts that say “may contain nuts”?’

  I could sense she wanted to burst out laughing at the abs
urdity of this nut-labelling revelation, but I had to hand it to her, she maintained her professionalism very well.

  ‘Yes! Why were the nuts in my mini-bar? I could’ve opened them by accident and died!’ I slapped a hand on the reception desk for emphasis.

  She had the good grace to look horrified. ‘I’m so very sorry about that, madam. We at the Plaza had no idea. I’d be very happy to get our Housekeeping Manager to come and talk to you about it straight away.’

  ‘No!’ Kalem shouted.

  She flinched. ‘Is there another problem as well, sir?’

  ‘Yes. And it’s a very delicate matter. I’d rather not talk to a woman about it, if you don’t mind. I really need to speak to Mr. Kaya about it personally.’ Kalem dropped his voice again, looking around the reception area as if it was a top military secret he was talking about.

  ‘Well, can you give me some sort of idea please?’ She smiled again.

  ‘The condoms in the mini-bar,’ he whispered to her.

  She wrote condoms down next to the nuts she already had on her piece of paper. ‘And what’s wrong with the condoms, sir? Have they been near the nuts? Is that why you’re worried?’

  ‘No, they’re too cold. I nearly…’ Kalem coughed, as if he were highly embarrassed. ‘Look, I really can’t discuss our condoms with a woman.’

  ‘Or our nuts,’ I interjected.

  ‘I really need to speak to Mr. Kaya himself,’ Kalem said.

  ‘Right away, sir. I would be very happy to call Mr. Kaya and ask him to speak with you.’

  About bloody time.

  She dialled a number and repeated our request to Mr. Kaya. She nodded a few times, still smiling, then replaced the receiver. ‘Mr. Kaya will be down in fifteen minutes to speak with you. In the meantime, please have a complimentary drink at one of the bars while you wait.’ More smiling. ‘Please be careful though, madam, as there may be nuts on the bar. And they do contain nuts.’

  ‘I’ll make sure I look out for them. Thank you.’ I smiled at her.

  ‘Thanks very much for your help,’ Kalem said.

  We edged away from reception.

  ‘I want to get a look at the Queen Cleopatra sculpture while we’re here. I have to see it. It could be the only chance I ever get to actually look at it in real life,’ Kalem whispered to me.

  ‘Is it already on display? Or are they just putting it out on the opening night?’

  Kalem shrugged. ‘I have no idea. The article didn’t say. But I have to try and get a glimpse of it if it’s already here.’

  ‘Are you really sure you want to look at it? It’s cursed. You might die if you look at it.’ I sighed. All this talk about nuts and statues was wearing me out. I felt a hopeless fatigue settle over me. Maybe I was just weak from hunger and needed something to eat.

  ‘It’s not cursed.’ He shook his head at me.

  ‘Hmm,’ I said in a disbelieving tone.

  We peered into the bar areas. No ugly statue. Good.

  ‘How about the restaurants?’ Kalem said.

  Nope, we peeked in all of them. Lots of party-frocked and poshly-suited people, but no sculpture. We covered the ground floor and couldn’t see it. What a shame. Not!

  ‘What about the lower ground floor?’ Kalem suggested. ‘Maybe it’s down there somewhere.’

  We descended the stairs to the lower ground floor. Wow! The hotel was huge. Classy – and obviously very expensive – boutiques lined either side of a large walkway. As the boutiques came to an end, the spa and fitness centre loomed in front of us. We didn’t bother looking in there. Unless Cleopatra was finally getting an upper lip wax, it seemed an unlikely place to show it.

  We had a choice of going to the casino, or taking another walkway off to the pool, beach, and the hotel’s own port.

  Hmm, probably not enough time to go traipsing around the pool. ‘Let’s look in the casino then.’

  ‘OK.’

  I felt like I’d stepped into a scene from Oceans 11. Lots of ching ching and bling bling going on.

  We eased our way around the poker tables, roulette wheels, and various slot machines, and came across a free merchandise stand. I ignored it. Why would I want a baseball cap or T-shirt with Plaza Casino on it? Instead, something much more interesting caught my eye: A free buffet area. My stomach growled at me. I hadn’t eaten anything since lunchtime. God, I was starving. Yes, that was definitely what I needed. Food.

  I grabbed a plate and hastily piled it high with food: some warm, fresh Turkish bread topped with toasted sesame seeds and aniseed, garlicky humus, some spicy Turkish meatballs, and salad.

  ‘What are you doing?’ Kalem raised an eyebrow at me.

  ‘I’m starving,’ I said, in between shovelling food in my mouth. ‘I’ll be two minutes. You go and look for it while I eat this. I don’t really want to clap eyes on the ugly sculpture anyway. It might give us an even bigger curse.’

  Kalem disappeared on his mission while I stood at the buffet, scoffing. My eyes wandered around the room, taking in the high-rollers betting thousands of pounds on the flick of a chip. I was just studying the sombre expression of a business-suited elderly guy with a woman hanging on his arm who looked about twelve, when I stopped eating mid-bite.

  It was Ferret Face. Here! In the casino. With us!

  His black beady eyes darted around, as if casing the joint; getting the lie of the land, so to speak (think I’d heard those expressions in a crime movie once).

  An icy chill slammed through my veins.

  Where the hell was Kalem? And what if Ferret Face saw him?

  I craned my neck, searching for Kalem. Where are you? God, where the bloody hell are you? (Oops, sorry to blaspheme – very stressed, you know.)

  I slammed the plate down on the buffet table, keeping my eyes firmly locked on Ferret Face’s position, and went in search of Kalem.

  I darted around the tables. No Kalem. Up and down the rows and rows of chiming slot machines. No Kalem. Back to the buffet. No sodding Kalem.

  By this point Ferret Face was making his way out the casino door.

  I clutched my heaving chest. Hurrah!

  I stood there without blinking, eyes glued to the door, until they started watering. And then…

  ‘Agh!’ I felt a tap on my shoulder and must’ve jumped half a mile in the air.

  I swung around.

  ‘Only me.’ Kalem observed my distraught face. ‘What have you done now?’ He grinned.

  ‘Ferret Face was in here,’ I hissed. ‘Where did you go? I was trying to make sure he didn’t see you.’

  ‘I couldn’t find the statue, so I went to the toilet.’ He jerked his head towards the toilets in the corner of the casino. ‘Come on, we need to go and meet Mr. Kaya.’

  ‘Yes, but what if Ferret Face is still out there?’

  ‘OK, if I keep my head down, hopefully he won’t recognize me. But just to be on the safe side, you can go in front and I’ll loiter behind you. If you see him, scratch your head. Then I’ll know he’s there and I can hide somewhere.’

  ‘Good plan.’ I nodded and crept back to reception. Well, it wasn’t a particularly good plan, but in the absence of something better it would just have to do.

  ‘May I help you, madam?’ Different receptionist, same helpful smile.

  ‘Mr. Kaya was coming down to deal with my complaint.’ I fanned at my face. All this action was giving me a hot flush.

  ‘Oh, I think I just saw him leaving. If you’re quick, you might be able to catch him.’ She pointed out to the car park. ‘His white Hummer limousine may still be out there.’

  ‘Oh, no!’ I yelled and swung around to see where Kalem was. I spied him hiding behind a pillar near the reception desk and, trying not to draw attention to the fact he was there, I casually strolled over to him. ‘OK, you carry on waiting here behind this pillar until I know the coast is clear,’ I said to the pillar and then flew out the entrance and into the car park.

  My head sprang from side to side like I was wa
tching a tennis match.

  No Kaya. I spotted his limo cruising up the driveway and ran after him. Realizing I wasn’t going to catch him, I finally gave up, out of breath.

  ‘Damn!’ I walked back down the driveway towards the entrance and, as there was no Ferret Face around, I caught Kalem’s eye, peering around the pillar, and gestured to him that it was safe to come out.

  Kalem surreptitiously sneaked out the entrance to the hotel, turning his head one way and then the other to check that the coast really was clear.

  Then my jaw dropped as I saw Ferret Face appear from the balcony of one the bars on the first floor overlooking the entrance. He stared down at Kalem, and a look of recognition flashed across his ugly mug. He slammed his drink down on a table and disappeared from view sharpish.

  ‘Run, Kalem!’ I screamed.

  Kalem furrowed his brow. ‘Why?’

  ‘Ferret Face is coming!’ I sprang towards the Land Rover with Kalem following behind at rocket launching speed.

  I slid through the door and Kalem jumped in, shoving the key in the ignition.

  He turned the key. Nothing. Not even a click.

  I banged on the dashboard. ‘Hurry! He’s probably on his way down here now. We don’t have much time.’

  Another turn.

  Slight click.

  I craned my neck around, looking back at the entrance to the hotel. Ferret Face emerged into view, running through the long lobby inside.

  ‘He’s coming!’ I grabbed my camera and snapped a picture of Ferret Face, just in case we needed it for identification. ‘I knew we shouldn’t have hired a Land Rover!’ I yelled. ‘Quick!’

  Ferret Face was half way across the car park when Kalem turned the key again.

  The engine sprang to life.

  We sped up the driveway as Ferret Face ran to a nearby black Mercedes and climbed in.

  I heard a loud banging noise in my ears from the engine, then realized it was actually my heartbeat.

  Kalem took a left at the top of the driveway and turned onto the main road we’d followed earlier out of town earlier.

  ‘Faster!’ I cried. ‘He’s gaining on us.’

  ‘I’m trying!’ Kalem slammed his foot flat to the floor. ‘Land Rovers aren’t exactly known for their speed.’