Six Pack of Sleuths: Comedy Mysteries

by Barbara Silkstone

  ‘Yes, but they wanted the money from Ferret Face’s suitcase,’ Kalem said. ‘They were keeping me alive until they’d got it back. Ferret Face recognized me from the airport and knew we had their suitcase. They wanted me to go and get it with them after it had got dark tonight. I didn’t tell them, of course, that I didn’t have it anymore. I just went along with it to buy some time. Plus, if they’d just killed me on the beach, everyone would know they’d landed there and were holed up somewhere in the area.’

  ‘How is Ibrahim Kaya?’ Yasmin sipped her champagne.

  ‘Apparently he’s OK and should be out of the hospital tomorrow.’ Kalem smiled. ‘Luckily, the bullet didn’t do too much damage because he was already falling over when the Ferret Face shot him. If he hadn’t, he would’ve been shot in the heart instead. He’ll be in pain for a while, but he’s very much alive. The statue is in one piece and has been returned to his private vault. And it’s all thanks to my future wife.’ Kalem raised his glass to me.

  ‘And you.’ I reached up and kissed him.

  ‘What about your wedding dress?’ Ayshe said. ‘Has Ali found it yet?’

  I grinned. ‘Yes. It was still in my suitcase that Ferret Face abandoned in his room at the Plaza. They need to keep the suitcase for a few days for forensic evidence, but Ali’s agreed to let me have the wedding dress. He should be bringing it here soon, actually.’

  ‘So no more curses and bad luck.’ Ayshe smiled. ‘You’ll have the lucky charm on your wedding dress, and you can have the perfect wedding day you planned.’

  I rolled my eyes. ‘God, I hope so.’

  ‘But what I don’t understand is why Ali helped us. Why did he get involved in all of this?’ Charlie asked. ‘I thought he didn’t like you, Deniz.’

  A secretive look passed between Yasmin, Deniz, and Osman.

  Deniz’s face suddenly took on a serious expression. ‘Because Kalem is really his son.’

  ‘What?’ Atila, Charlie, Ayshe, and I shrieked in unison.

  Kalem was taking a sip of Champagne at the time and splurted it out, looking horrified.

  Yasmin slapped Deniz again.

  ‘No, only joking.’ Deniz chuckled.

  Kalem let out a breath of relief.

  ‘I’ll explain, shall I?’ Yasmin shook her head at him. ‘Deniz and Ali did their national service together in the army here when they were young. We all grew up together in Kyrenia, so we were all close friends. But Ali was in love with me,’ she blushed and fanned her face. ‘He wanted to marry me, but I only had eyes for your father.’ She glanced at Deniz, her eyes shining at him in the moonlight. ‘God only knows why,’ she chuckled. ‘Anyway, when Ali found out that Deniz and I were getting married, he was extremely jealous and didn’t want anything to do with Deniz anymore. He wouldn’t even talk to Deniz. Shortly after that, Deniz and I left Cyprus to move to the UK.’

  ‘Ooh, what happened then?’ Charlie asked.

  ‘Well, Ali got married rather quickly after we left,’ Yasmin said.

  ‘It was a rebound thing,’ Deniz said.

  ‘He moved to the UK with his new wife, and then later they had Erol. But the marriage didn’t work out.’ Yasmin gave a solemn smile.

  ‘Yes, I remember at school that Erol said his dad lived in North Cyprus, and that he always went out there for holidays to stay with him,’ I said.

  Yasmin nodded. ‘Ali split up with his wife and returned here to start a career in the police service, but Erol and his mother stayed in the UK.’

  ‘And we never saw Ali again until yesterday, when we went to him for help,’ Deniz said.

  ‘Yes, but why did Ali help us, then?’ I asked. ‘I mean, it seems like he hated you both, because that hatred has rubbed off on Erol as well. Erol hated Kalem – he couldn’t stand him at school, and he had it in for us here. I’m convinced he would’ve thrown me in jail, and he got the university to pull the plug on Kalem’s job.’

  ‘He’s a nasty piece of work, that Erol,’ Osman said. ‘Greed got the better of him. He’d rather see you in jail and keep the half a million pounds for himself. That was his plan.’

  ‘Ooh, come on, tell us the rest of the story. Why did Erol’s dad help us then if he hated Deniz?’ Charlie topped up all our glasses as he spoke.

  ‘Ali didn’t hate Deniz, not really,’ Yasmin said. ‘He was just upset and jealous that I’d fallen in love with Deniz instead of him. I suppose he was hurting. And Deniz actually saved his life when they were in the army together, so he owed him a huge favour. And whatever else Ali is, he is very honourable.’

  Osman nodded.

  ‘I think that Erol probably blamed me for the break-up of his parents’ marriage somehow.’ Yasmin took a sip of champagne. ‘If Ali was still in love with me, it could’ve been the reason why their marriage didn’t work out. Erol was only a little boy when Ali returned to North Cyprus; he was probably looking for someone to blame, so it was easier to blame me. Then, of course, the blame transferred onto Kalem at school. I think that’s why Erol had some kind of grudge against Kalem.’

  ‘Families!’ Atila shook his head.

  ‘And you, Osman!’ I put an arm around him. ‘You are a dark horse.’

  Osman blushed.

  ‘I can’t believe what a good shot you are! The way you threw that knife straight into Ferret Face’s neck.’ I shook my head at him in amazement.

  Osman pursed his lips, looking disappointed with himself. ‘I know. I must be getting old and out of practice. I was aiming for his heart.’

  ‘I didn’t know you were in the army,’ Kalem said to Osman. ‘I remember when we used to come here on holidays when I was little, you were always working away. From the stories that Dad told about you, I just thought you were a shepherd.’ He shook his head. ‘How wrong I was.’

  ‘Osman was in the Special Operations Commando Unit of the Turkish Army for a long time.’ Deniz gave Osman a bear hug. ‘Doing all that secret-squirrel-undercover-super-army-soldier stuff, eh?’ He grinned at Osman.

  ‘When I retired from the army, I wanted the simple life, so I decided to become shepherd.’ Osman shrugged, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

  ‘We need some whisky to celebrate.’ Deniz stumbled inside to the kitchen and poured glasses of whisky all round. He brought them out on a tray, swaying slightly. ‘Here.’

  ‘I think you’ve had enough,’ Yasmin said to him. ‘It’s the big day tomorrow. I want you in a fit state for it. I take it all the wedding plans are now finalized?’ she asked Charlie.

  ‘Don’t worry about a thing. Helen will get the perfect wedding after all. Trust me, I’m a wedding planner. Actually, I might take this up as a new business venture.’

  ‘Yes! You could be the wedding planner, and I’ll be the wedding photographer. Fab idea! Then you won’t have to go back to the UK either.’ I hugged him.

  Charlie tilted his head, pondering this. ‘Ooh, I like that idea.’

  ‘So, you and Atila are going to live here as well?’ Yasmin asked Ayshe. ‘It’s amazing, isn’t it? You’re ill for a few days, confined to bed, and look how much happens!’

  Ayshe glanced up at Atila, who had a wistful look on his face.

  ‘Yes. You absolutely have to do it,’ I agreed. ‘I’ll miss you too much if you go back.’

  ‘Atila has signed the contract for the venue. He’s going to open a restaurant here as soon as the renovations are done.’ Ayshe flung her arms around me. ‘So you’ll never get rid of me now!’

  ‘Are you going to serve those chocolate orgasm thingies? They are divine!’ Charlie said.

  ‘Maybe we’ll have to move out here too if all the family is going to be here.’ Yasmin looked questioningly at Deniz.

  ‘And what about you, Helen? You’ve definitely decided you want to live here now?’ Charlie asked.

  I glanced down at my shoes, aware that everyone was looking at me, waiting to hear what I’d say. I thought about the lists I’d made when I first got here, going throug
h them one by one in my head. I didn’t have to worry about Kalem’s extended family being crazy anymore. They weren’t crazy, just different to me. They were kind and sweet and slightly quirky – but then I was Miss Quirkarama – and they cared about the most important thing in life. They cared about family. And Osman had saved Kalem’s life, so it was my turn to owe him. Maybe I could return the favour one day.

  We weren’t involved in any more major crimes. At least I seriously hoped we weren’t. Ali had assured me that the custard cream and Smoky smuggling would be overlooked now. The statue had been returned to its rightful owner, so I didn’t think Queen Cleopatra would be cursing me anymore, unless she held a grudge because I called her ugly. I was sure that Ali would deal with Erol, so we didn’t have to worry about him interfering in our lives now. In fact, Erol was the one facing the prospect of a life behind bars this time, not me. Kalem would find a new job here. I was also sure of that. And Ayshe would be living here as well, so I wouldn’t be missing her and Atila like crazy.

  The only downside was the lack of shops – I was a bit of a shopaholic, after all – but after everything that had happened, I didn’t even care about that anymore. I could live without materialistic things like convenient supermarkets and custard creams. They were bad for you anyway (the custard creams not the supermarkets). I thought about what Osman had said about life really being simple. The only important thing was that Kalem and I were together – oh, and we were alive, which was also pretty important. If this whole experience had taught me anything, it was that I really would give up everything and live in a mud hut if it meant we were together. So, bollocks to the shops (sorry shops! One day I will return to you).

  I thought about all the good things being here had to offer. The sunshine and how energized it made you feel. The beaches where turtles lay their eggs and start a new life on the shores on North Cyprus. If they could do it, so could I. I thought about the history and how the castle had inspired the Disney Castle. I loved the picturesque countryside and open spaces with shoats roaming around willy-nilly, and the relaxed way of life with no rat race. No more rush, rush, rush. It was a mix of old and new here – the modern hotels and the traditional Cypriot way of life, the ancient buildings, rustic villages, and the up and coming tourist spots, which, when I thought about it, really made a refreshing change. It would take a long time for North Cyprus to catch up with the rest of the world in terms of convenience, but was that really such a bad thing? And more importantly, I thought about the simple life that Kalem had always wanted, where our kids could grow up in a safe environment, where we could get back to basics and nature. A place where we could grow and change and appreciate a more natural environment at a slower pace. Now the reasons to stay far outweighed the reasons not to. I’d be mad to go back to the UK.

  I looked up at them all, then fixed my eyes on Kalem. ‘We’re staying.’ I beamed.

  Kalem launched his arms around me and spun me round.

  ‘So now all that’s cleared up, do you want to know what I’ve been doing with the condoms?’ Deniz slurred and raised an eyebrow à la James Bond.

  ‘I do.’ Charlie giggled.

  ‘I don’t think that’s necessary, Dad.’ Ayshe pulled a face.

  Kalem tried to ignore him, suddenly finding the ground absolutely fascinating.

  Deniz swaggered back inside and retrieved an open hold-all bag. He deposited it on the patio and unzipped it. ‘Look in here.’

  Ayshe clamped her eyes shut, but curiosity got the better of the rest of us, and we peered inside. It was full to the brim of miniature spirits from the hotel mini-bar.

  Deniz looked pretty pleased with himself.

  ‘What’s that got to do with condoms? Have I missed something?’ Charlie seemed a bit disappointed.

  ‘He’s been winding the poor maid up.’ Yasmin shook her head. ‘He wanted her to think he was a super-stud, or something, so he kept taking out all the condoms from the mini-bar and hiding them in his bag. Every day the poor girl had to fill up the bar with more condoms.’

  ‘She wanted me.’ Deniz grinned. ‘I know when a woman wants me.’

  ‘Tonight he’s taken all the spirits out of the mini-bar and shoved all fifty-six packets of condoms back in.’ She gave Deniz an exasperated shake of her head. The poor maid will think she’s going mad like you.’

  ‘I love these miniatures. You can drink them anywhere!’ Deniz chuckled.

  ‘Thank God for that.’ A hand flew to my chest. ‘I thought you were going to kill each other with the amount of condoms you were using. Death by condom.’ I leaned closer to Deniz. ‘And I thought you were getting Alzheimer’s.’

  ‘Ha! He got that years ago, the crazy little man.’ Yasmin ruffled his hair affectionately.

  ‘So, no more talk of pec implants?’ I asked.

  Deniz rubbed his chest. ‘No, I’m perfect as I am. I’m definitely going to buy a subscription to Cosmopolitan, though. Wouldn’t want to miss out on a thing after reading that! Did you know that when a woman–’

  Someone knocked at the door, thankfully interrupting him.

  Deniz stumbled through the house to answer it.

  ‘Look at him! Don’t anyone give him any more whisky.’ Yasmin rolled her eyes to the sky, tutting at him as he swung the door open in a dramatic fashion and nearly fell backwards.

  ‘Ah, Ali, we were just talking about you.’ Deniz pulled him inside and led the way to the terrace.

  Ali nodded courteously to everyone and presented me with my wedding dress in a garment bag. ‘I think this is yours. I took the liberty of having it cleaned and pressed for you. I hope everything is OK with it.’

  I squealed with delight, taking it and pressing it to me. Woo hoo! I’d finally got it back. I felt along the stitching to make sure the lucky charm was still in place. Yes, it was still there. Hurrah. No more bad luck. Nothing could possibly spoil my perfect wedding now.

  ‘Super-freaking fabulous!’ Charlie clasped his hands. ‘That’s the final detail on my wedding list checked off.’

  I hugged Ali. ‘Thanks so much.’

  He looked embarrassed and patted me on the back. ‘No, it is me who should thank you.’ He took a little bow. ‘Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll leave you to your celebrations. As you can imagine, I have much work to be getting on with.’

  Chapter 22

  Kalem and I slept at his parents’ house that night, safely intertwined in each other's arms. Maybe it was traditionally bad luck for the groom to see the bride on the day of the wedding, but I figured that nothing else could possibly go wrong. And I didn’t want to let him go for a second after all that had happened.

  Ginger cat was ready and waiting outside the patio door when I got up. And she wasn’t alone.

  ‘Oh!’ I squeaked, staring at six kittens in varying shades of ginger and white. Shit, Kalem was going to freak!

  ‘What’s the matter?’ He slid his arms around my waist from behind, resting his head on my shoulder to see what had caught my eye. ‘What did I tell you? Now we’ll be feeding seven cats.’

  ‘But they’re so cute! And it must’ve been a good sign, Ginger turning up like that yesterday, because we managed to save Ibrahim.’ I slid open the door and cooed at the kittens. They jumped in fright as I knelt down on the ground, but then quickly succumbed to a stroke on the head. ‘Maybe Ginger really is a lucky, magic cat.’

  Ginger purred in reply.

  ‘So now we’ve got seven cats to feed.’ Kalem shook his head at me.

  ‘You were the one who wanted to get back to nature,’ I pointed out with a grin, traipsing into the kitchen with twenty-eight paws pattering on the tiles behind me. ‘And speaking of cats, did you phone Smoky’s owner?’

  ‘Yes, with all that was happening, I forgot to tell you. I’ve been trying to get hold of him but there’s been no answer. I left a couple of messages on his answer phone.’

  I knelt down and played with the kittens. ‘Well, I thought it would be a little while at le
ast before we had another mouth to feed, but it looks like we’ve now got a readymade family of seven.’

  ****

  At ten o’clock, Charlie picked Kalem up to get ready at the hotel with the boys and dropped off Ayshe and Yasmin.

  Yasmin brought a feast of food with her – enough for ten people. Warm freshly baked bread stuffed with black olives and cheese; green olives with lemon and garlic; hummus, jam, boiled eggs – courtesy of Osman’s mum – cold meats, hellim cheese made from Osman’s sheep’s milk, and pastries with various fillings. We filled our plates and sat on the terrace, chattering away with excitement about the day ahead.

  I couldn’t believe, after all that had happened, that it was finally my wedding day. I know I didn’t exactly have the kind of build up to the wedding that I’d planned all those months ago. But it was finally here. My perfect wedding was really going to happen after all the recent doubts.

  ‘OK, I need a shower, and then you can both help me get ready.’ I pushed my plate away, stuffed.

  ‘Oh, I’m so excited.’ Yasmin cleared away the plates. ‘Why don’t you let me read your Turkish coffee cup?’

  ‘NO!’ Ayshe and I yelled together.

  ‘No more coffee cups. Ever.’ I hugged her and dashed up the corridor before she could suggest it again. I’d had enough of Turkish coffee cup readings to last me a lifetime.

  I stepped in the bathroom with a tube of hair removal cream and liberally applied it to my legs and armpits. Guaranteed to remove all hairs in five minutes whilst moisturizing your skin, apparently. Mmm, smelled nice and flowery. OK, five minutes to wait until I was suitably defuzzed, so I leaned over the bath, grabbed the shower attachment, and lathered up my hair with shampoo. Three minutes later, my hair was caked in moisturizer, and I climbed in the bath, pulled across the shower screen, and turned on the water to blast everything off.

  Nothing happened.

  ‘Huh?’ I tried the tap again as the conditioner dripped down my forehead.

  Nothing. No water. ‘What’s going on? It was working a minute ago.’

  I tried again. Tap on. Nothing. Tap off. Wait. Tap on. Nothing.