A Beautiful Day for a Wedding

by Charlotte Butterfield

  Eve let the call go to voicemail.

  Darling, it’s Mum. I’m worried about you, can you call me? You just disappeared this morning and I want to check you’re ok. Love you, bye.

  She also had loads of unread WhatsApp messages, and Eve was gutted to see that none of them were from Belinda. Adam had sent her one with the same sentiment as their mum’s yet with different language Yo. Where u at? Three of the messages were from Bruno blaming the emotion and jealousy he felt on seeing Eve with Ben for the reason he took his trousers off and lay on top of Tanya. Then there was one from Tanya saying No hard feelings, let’s keep this between ourselves. Becca and Ayesha were wondering where she was, and then there was one from Ben.

  Red, I need to talk to you. It’s really urgent.

  It was sweet of him to check up on her like this but she wasn’t ready to talk to him either. Not now she’d seen the locket in his wash bag. Kate must have been incredibly special for his reunion with her to rival the ten years he’d known Eve. And Eve couldn’t compete with that. Nor did she have any strength left in her to try.

  While she had her phone out, she tried Belinda’s mobile again and it went straight to her answerphone. Again. Eve left yet another heartfelt impassioned plea for Belinda not to read her email and to call her straightaway. She then spent the next couple of hours wandering from room to room, carefully folding up Becca’s clothes and placing them in her chest of drawers, taking the recycling downstairs, wiping down the kitchen counters, basically anything she could do to keep her body and mind active and not dwell on the swinging wrecking ball that was just about to smash everything into pieces.

  The doorbell made Eve jump. Everyone she knew was enjoying a barbecue in a field in Devon so she ignored it, assuming it would be someone trying to sell something or a wrong address. The shrill bell rang again. Eve sighed, put the toilet brush back in its holder and padded over to the intercom in the hall.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘It’s me.’

  ‘Ben?’

  ‘It’s started to rain. Are you opening the door or what?’

  If this surprise visit had happened a day ago Eve would have instinctively pulled out her ponytail and fluffed up her hair and pinched her cheeks to give them some colour. Today, however, she didn’t even think to remove the yellow rubber gloves she had been wearing to clean the bathroom.

  As he reached the top step Eve anticipated a comment like, ‘that’s a good look,’ or something equally Ben-like but none came.

  ‘Can you take your gloves off and come into the lounge, I need to talk to you.’

  He’d never been that serious with Eve before and it worried her. ‘Is Mum ok? Has something happened?’

  He walked ahead of her into the living room and sat on one of the sofas. Eve sat on the other facing him.

  ‘Look, I’m really worried about you, Eve,’ he started.

  ‘Me?’ Eve replied. She was worried about her too, but she didn’t know why he was.

  ‘I think you’ve lost your way a bit, and I think it’s all my fault.’

  Eve stared at him. He had no idea quite how much she’d lost her way.

  ‘Look at me. Eve, look at me. You always had a heart of gold, doing anything for anyone and that was always your problem You couldn’t say no to people and as long as it made people happy, you would do it. They say that even the nicest people have a tipping point, and I can tell you’ve reached yours.’

  It was like he had an uncanny ability to peel back her skin and skull, peer into her brain and see exactly what was going on. But what he said next had Eve gasping.

  ‘Please tell me that you haven’t sent the column to this Belinda woman?’

  ‘What?’ Eve spluttered.

  ‘The piece about how rubbish Becca’s wedding was, did you send it to her as well?’

  Eve looked horrified, and completely confused. ‘As well as what?’

  ‘As well as me,’ Ben said.

  ‘You?’

  ‘At 4 a.m. this morning I got an email from you saying something like “Hi Belinda, here’s my column,” and then it went on and on about what a shitty wedding it was. Please tell me that it’s not going to be printed anywhere.’

  Eve closed her eyes and sank back against the sofa’s cushions. She must have started typing Be in the empty To box on the email, and it came up with Ben’s address and not Belinda’s.

  ‘Eve?’

  Her head fell back with the purest sense of relief that coursed through her veins and her entire body.

  ‘Thank you,’ she whispered finally. ‘Thank you.’

  Ben didn’t know what she meant by that, but he knew Eve. He moved across to her sofa, put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her into his chest. Great heaving sobs escaped from her exhausted body. She couldn’t explain what had happened, she just cried until there were no more tears left. He felt her relax and go limp after a while. The medley of emotion and heartbreak and longing and guilt had been too much for her to bear, and she was back in her safe place where none of that mattered anymore.

  Ben gently kissed the top of her head and told her that it was going to be ok. That whatever had been going on with her, with them, was going to be ok.

  ‘I’ve been such an idiot Ben,’ Eve gasped. ‘I’ve lost all perspective on everything, and nearly ruined everything.’

  ‘But you didn’t. And I deleted the email immediately, so no one except you and I are ever going to know about this.’

  Eve didn’t want to move her head from the warmth of his chest, or for him to stop stroking her hair. Eve couldn’t tell, but he didn’t want to break the spell either. But he knew he needed to.

  ‘This is the first time I’ve hugged a woman in years.’

  Eve tilted her head to meet his eyes and wiped her eyes on her sleeve. ‘So, is this the moment where you tell me why you actually left me for Kate?’

  ‘Are you sure you want to talk about that now?’

  It wasn’t a conversation Eve particularly wanted to have any time but she’d been putting it off, skirting the issue, making every excuse possible for why this inevitable talk should never take place. But they both knew it had to.

  ‘Do you remember the first time we met each other?’ Ben asked.

  ‘Of course I do.’

  ‘When was it?’

  ‘Are you asking me to answer first because you don’t know?’ Eve countered.

  ‘No! I’m just wondering if you remember it as clearly as I do.’

  ‘Well I do.’

  Ben smiled. ‘What was I wearing?’

  ‘What was I wearing?’

  ‘Your navy drawstring trousers, a black vest top, those embroidered flip flops you insisted on wearing with every outfit and your hair was loose and longer than you have now. You’d let it dry naturally so it was all wavy and you had a jade beaded necklace on.’

  ‘Wow. Even I didn’t remember that.’ If he’d pushed her, she’d be able to recount what he was wearing too, right down to the black leather plaited bracelet. But she had no idea that she’d had that much of an impact on him on that first day.

  ‘Do you know why I knew all that?’

  Eve shook her head.

  ‘Because that was the moment I fell in love with you.’

  The room was still. Ben didn’t speak again for another few seconds, to let what he’d just said have time to sink in. Eve shifted on the sofa slightly, bringing one knee up under her, and turning her body towards him. He did the same.

  ‘I’d never met anyone like you before. Everyone else seemed so shy, or so obvious, but you were so self-assured, so confident.’

  ‘So bossy?’

  ‘No, not bossy, you were just you. You made me laugh the first time we spoke, do you know what you said?’

  ‘Did I make fun of your accent?’

  ‘Almost. You asked me where I was from, I said I was a kiwi, and you said that my costume was rubbish, and that I should make more of an effort.’

  Eve laughed. ‘
It sounds like something I’d say.’

  ‘Didn’t you guess that I had a massive crush on you during university and all the years afterwards until that night in Clapham?’

  ‘You did a pretty good job of hiding your feelings by parading an endless stream of leggy blondes through our front door and up the stairs to your room.’

  ‘You noticed?’

  ‘How could I not?’ Eve wavered before saying anything else. Ben was being completely honest with her – if she was to open up too, now was the time. But it was so hard.

  ‘If I tell you about my life since the day I should have come to New York, can you not storm out or interrupt or say anything until I’m finished? Please Red? I need you to hear me.’

  Eve didn’t say anything, just nodded, her face pale. Their knees were touching and neither of them moved.

  ‘When we became friends, I told you about Kate. I told you that I had a teenage romance with someone back home in New Zealand, but that she didn’t mean anything to me.’

  Eve nodded.

  ‘Well, that was a bit of a lie.’ Ben took a deep breath. ‘She was my very first friend. Our mums had beds next to each other in the maternity ward, so I think I was born in the morning and Kate was born in the afternoon on the same day. Our parents joked that one day we would marry each other, and then as we got older, it wasn’t a joke any more, it was an expectation, not just from them, for us too. We were inseparable, we walked to school together every day, sat next to each other in lessons, celebrated every single birthday, each milestone together. But she’d always been adamant that she never wanted to leave New Zealand. Her family were there, her life was there – but with my mum being British, I’d always wanted to come here for university. It was horrible leaving Kate, but we promised it was only for three years, and that she’d visit, and I’d go home in the holidays. But then life sort of took over. I got a holiday job—’

  ‘In the drinks kiosk in the zoo—’

  ‘Yes, the salubrious zoo kiosk. And I met you. You were sparky, hilarious, beautiful, fun, mad, and it wasn’t until Kate visited me a few months into the first term and stayed over a few days, do you remember…?’

  Eve nodded. Of course she remembered.

  ‘I didn’t know she was coming, and it was great to see her, but I didn’t feel anything romantic for her at all. I realised that I loved Kate, but I wasn’t in love with her anymore. She was lovely, and kind and sweet, but she wasn’t you. She didn’t guess what I was about to say, she didn’t laugh at my jokes, she didn’t make me laugh until my stomach hurt like you did. I told her that it wasn’t going to work, she got really upset, and she left on an earlier flight.’

  Ben blinked a few times, his eyes looking watery. ‘And I never heard from her again until the day that I got the letter from her parents just before we were going to New York. You have to believe me how excited I was about our future Red; you and me, our plans to conquer America, to do it all together. Our future was so obvious to me. You know a few weeks ago when you got mad with me and shouted about the brownstone and the kids, and the travelling round in a camper van … I’d had those thoughts too, all the time. Then this letter arrived from New Zealand, telling me that Kate had been diagnosed with leukaemia, and she only had a few months to live. She didn’t want to die without making peace with me. The letter was so sad Eve, some of her mum’s words were smudged where she’d obviously been crying writing them, it was heartbreaking. I can’t imagine what it must have been like knowing that your child was about to die, that nothing you could do would give you an extra day with them, that you would never see them laugh again, or dance, or have a family of their own.

  Tears were rolling down both their faces. It was Eve’s turn to pull him close, to stroke his head, to tell him that it was alright, to let it out.

  ‘I couldn’t tell you, Eve,’ Ben said, pulling his head up and looking at her as intensely as he ever had done. ‘Not then. I needed to go there, do what needed to be done, and then I could bring you into it. I knew you would want to help, to share the burden, but I couldn’t let you do that. I owed it to Kate to be there at the end, to let her die knowing that I cared, and I needed you to follow your dreams, to go to America and carve out an incredible career for yourself that you couldn’t have done if you were helping me grieve for another woman. And then I thought that if fate existed, then life would bring us back together, that we’d find each other again. But when I got to New Zealand all these old feelings I had for Kate bubbled to the surface and I knew I couldn’t just say goodbye and leave again. I needed to stay with her, to show her how much she meant to me. When Kate died, I didn’t anticipate the weight of grief that came with it. She was so brave Red, so brave. She knew the morning that she passed away that it was to be that day, can you believe it? She said it. “Today’s the day I’m going to die.” Then she told her mum what she wanted to be wearing, it was a knee-length blue dress with little spots on it, and she asked for us all to have a picnic in the garden.’

  Eve remembered how solemn Ben looked at Becca’s picnic reception, and realised he wasn’t being moody, he was reliving this moment, this tragic memory.

  ‘She hadn’t been outside in weeks, but we took her. We spread out a blanket, and I carried her out and sat her resting back on a beanbag. And we all began to eat and laugh together, but she just watched us. She looked so peaceful, her hair was fanned out, and her mouth even looked like it was smiling, but we knew she’d gone. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying. I never loved her the way that I love you, but I did love her Eve, I really did. And in that moment, watching her parents break their hearts over her body, I knew that my life had changed. I couldn’t just pack up and join you in New York, and I couldn’t imagine coming back to London without you being here. I felt so guilty for making her so unhappy, for making her family, and mine, so sad when I cast her off like that after a whole lifetime of preparing to spend it together.’

  Eve wasn’t expecting to ever feel sorry for Ben, to pity the decisions he made, but she did. In finishing with Kate, he’d made Eve happy, and in ending it with Eve, he’d made peace with Kate.

  ‘I thought about you all the time, and read everything you ever wrote online. I was so proud of you for going to New York by yourself, and for making a success of yourself. But I just couldn’t get in touch with you, I felt so guilty.’

  ‘But why did you never tell me Ben? You knew exactly where I was and I had no clue where you were, not a clue. You’re not on social media, you didn’t reply to my emails, you just disappeared off the face of the earth. You know I would never have let you face this by yourself. You didn’t need to do this alone.’

  ‘I did though Eve, don’t you see that? You would have given it all up, your dreams your life, your family, to come to the other end of the world and help me get over another woman. Even if I had come to you, I was a mess, Red. I could never have let you see me like that.’

  ‘But it’s not the ‘50s, Ben, keeping a stiff upper lip doesn’t make you a social pariah, grieving for someone you loved is nothing to be ashamed of.’

  ‘It wasn’t like that. Kate’s parents were in a really bad way, she was their only child. They’d waited years to have her, and then for her to be taken away from them when she was twenty-six? I felt that I needed to make their path as smooth as possible. They welcomed me into their family without question, and I became really close with them after Kate’s death. I didn’t feel that I could introduce my girlfriend into the equation, I felt that would be disrespecting them, and Kate. Although, funnily enough, in Kate’s last few weeks she spoke about you quite a few times. She told me she really liked you when she’d visited and that we would be really good together.

  ‘Don’t you think that was her way of saying that she wanted you to be happy with me?’

  ‘Maybe, looking back on it now, yes, perhaps it was. But it was all so raw then, it was difficult to know what to do for the best so I literally just shut down all my own needs and wants a
nd focused entirely on doing right by her memory.’

  ‘So why come back now?’ It was a question Eve had been asking herself for months. ‘Why wait four years before reappearing?’

  ‘I didn’t know what else to do, I’d become part of the community in Wellington, but it never felt like home, not somewhere where I’d be happy forever, and although some of my old friends were there, it seemed strange being there without Kate. So I decided to move back, to make a home here. It was horrible at first, everywhere I went had a memory of you attached to it.’

  ‘Why do you think I stayed in New York for two years?’ Eve replied.

  ‘I wanted to contact you so badly, but this isn’t the sort of story you can tell over the phone, or email and so I wanted to talk to you in person, and then, as you know, it’s just never been the right time. And anyway, Tanya said that you’d moved on, that you were pleased I didn’t come with you to New York, that you never wanted me to come, but didn’t know how to let me down.’

  ‘She said what? When?’

  ‘After I’d been in Wellington for almost a year I was missing you so much, and so I got in touch with Luke to see if he had an address for you, and Tanya replied to my email, saying that you wouldn’t be interested in hearing from me. That you were having an amazing life in New York and had met someone special. I didn’t want to spoil things for you, so I didn’t try again.’

  ‘That woman is evil.’

  ‘So it’s not true?’

  ‘The opposite is true Ben. I had a miserable time in New York, I barely saw sunlight, couldn’t afford to eat anything that wasn’t in a tin or frozen, the cleanliness of my flatmates made the prospect of contracting legionnaires, salmonella, listeria or the bubonic plague a daily reality, and I missed you. Every single day I wondered what you were doing, who you were with, where you were. If you were thinking of me. My life has pretty much been on pause since the moment you left.’