Defiance Falls Boxed Set: The Complete Defiance Falls Trilogy

by Dean, Ali

  “I’m proud of you. Your dad’s proud of you. Your mom would be proud of you too. All that you’ve taken on and everything you’ve done to facilitate ending this war with the Malones, it was essential to being able to run Braven Pharma free of them. And you will.”

  He paused and took a deep breath. Before he could continue, I jumped in. “You really want to get into a discussion about Braven Pharma right now, Gramps? I know we’ve been putting it on the back burner but the plan there hasn’t changed. I’m going to Harvard. I’m going to play soccer at Harvard. I’ll stay connected with everything going on at Braven but I’m not going to be taking on any role until I graduate.”

  Gramps put his hand up. “That’s not where I was going, Cruz.” He reached for the stool beside him and pushed it out.

  “Have a seat.”

  I didn’t want to sit, but I obeyed.

  “Are we going to officially announce Dad’s retirement?” A cold sweat was starting at the base of my neck as I tried to figure out where Gramps was going with this “we’re proud of you” speech. I mean, I appreciated the sentiment, sure, but at the end of the day I hadn’t done all that much. It was him and Jeremy who’d carried the brunt of the workload.

  “Not yet, and no, that’s not what I want to talk to you about. You’ve had a lot on your plate for a long time. Maybe even before your mom died, you had more responsibilities than most kids your age, and that’s never changed.”

  Gramps put a hand on my knee but I didn’t interrupt him, not this time.

  “I’m worried about you, Cruz. I know you can handle just about anything. Hell, if we needed you to take over Braven Pharma tomorrow you’d probably figure out how to do it. But that’s just it. There’s a line between handling your responsibilities and using them to avoid living your own life.”

  His words were like a blow to my chest and hit me so hard I actually jerked back in my seat. “Gramps, what’s going on? You’re freaking me out here.”

  “Nothing’s going on, Cruz. And that’s just it. We achieved what we set out to achieve with the Malones. You have permission to live your life now.”

  A drop of cold sweat trickled down my back. “And what do you think I’m doing? I’ve come straight here every day after school, finally taking time with Dad, with you, my family.”

  Gramps nodded. “Yes. But when was the last time you hung out with Hazel?”

  “Seriously, Gramps? You’re asking about Hazel? I see her every day at school. And she’s the one who wanted me to deal with what was happening with Dad and stop avoiding it.”

  “And you are. But what about her? Why are you avoiding her?”

  I hopped up from the stool, startled by the question. I’d deny it, but that would be a lie. How did he know I was avoiding her? Maybe we’d been having quickies between classes for all he knew.

  “She’s got her visit at UMass this weekend,” I said, looking out the sliding glass door to the expansive backyard. “We’re both really busy.” I rubbed the back of my neck, knowing how dumb this sounded.

  Gramps didn’t say anything and after a moment I turned to look at him. He was watching me, and his eyes were sad.

  “Why are you looking at me like that, Gramps?”

  “It’s okay to be scared, Cruz.”

  “I’m not scared. The Malones are in a corner right now; they already tried to pull strings to get to Hazel and failed. Sure, Branden and Sean are still going to school but we’re watching them and they’re lying low, trying to keep from ending up behind bars too.”

  Gramps got up out of his chair. “That’s not the kind of fear I was talking about. Not really.”

  He started walking away toward the stairs. Weren’t we in the middle of a conversation? When he turned around, it was only to say goodnight. I was left standing there, wondering what the old man was getting at. Fear? It was the first time in my life I had nothing to be afraid of. I was finally accepting, truly accepting, Dad’s diagnosis, in a way I never had before. I’d run all the potential moves by the Malones through my head, and I did it constantly. We had that situation locked down and no one would retaliate, not now that they knew what we were capable of. So what did he think I was afraid of? Hazel was the one who seemed intent on avoiding me. I’d tried to get through to her and only fucked it up more. I was better off letting her stew and ride out whatever was going on. She’d come to me when she was ready, right?

  * * *

  “You two in a stalemate or something?” Spike asked. It was after practice on Thursday, and we were meeting at the Spot. Even though the discussion was about the Harvard hockey team, Hazel had just group texted to tell us she had a paper due tomorrow she hadn’t started.

  “She told us to go ahead with the plan without her,” Emmett said. “What the fuck?”

  All four guys were glaring at me. Jeremy and Gramps had given us the green light to handle the Harvard guys without them, since they were busy with investigation stuff and Braven Pharma, which was in a bit of turmoil as we’d expected. The glares from the guys told me they were pissed my relationship issues with Hazel were affecting our group.

  “It’s not about me,” I protested. “I think she wants to go back to her old ways and ditch us.”

  “No. No way,” Emmett said, shaking his head. “Why are you being so extra, Cruz? It’s not like you.”

  Bodhi nearly growled at me, “That’s bullshit, man, and you know it.” He’d been particularly hostile to me this week, and I wondered what Hazel had said to him.

  “I didn’t do anything wrong, you guys. I don’t know what her deal is. I tried talking to her and she shut me down, got even more pissed.”

  “So that’s it?” Moody asked. “Please don’t tell me it’s going to be another three years of misery we have to sit around witnessing. I can’t endure that again.”

  My entire body tightened at his words. “What? No! We didn’t break up, you guys. None of you have been in a relationship so don’t give me this shit. Sometimes couples need space. It’s normal.”

  “Not this crap again,” Bodhi grumbled.

  “You keep telling yourself that,” Spike warned, “and it will be another three years.”

  My blood was running hot at their jabs. “Come on, let’s hear what Moody’s got on the hockey players and get this done.”

  “No.”

  My eyes darted to Moody, the least likely one to say that to me. But he was looking me straight in the eye. “We’ll do it when Hazel’s with us. She lied. She’s at Patriot Taphouse with her dad. I mean, maybe she does have a paper to write, but she’s got time to go out to eat.”

  He was tracking their location, and while it gave me peace of mind, it was a little disturbing another dude knew more about my girlfriend’s whereabouts than I did.

  “Oh come on, she has to eat. You know those two can’t cook for shit so they go all the time.” She wasn’t ditching us. That was ridiculous.

  “She’s avoiding us,” Emmett declared, dismissing my statement.

  “No, she’s avoiding this idiot,” Spike said, jabbing a thumb in my direction.

  “This is just like fucking freshman year,” Bodhi said. “Except this time, I’m not losing Hazel because you two aren’t together.” He stormed out, and the others followed, presumably going to Patriot Taphouse. A few minutes later, I was left alone, again. Bodhi’s words rung in my ears. “You two aren’t together.” That wasn’t what was happening here. They didn’t understand. Glancing at my watch, I saw I still had time to make it back to Gramps’s place and spend some time with Dad. As I swung a leg over my motorcycle and started the engine, I was struck with a craving to have her arms around my waist and the feel of her pressed against my back. I shook it off. It wasn’t new. I’d had it each time I’d gotten on my bike the past couple of days.

  I wouldn’t chase the guys to Patriot Taphouse though. They’d chosen her, for tonight. And I was choosing Dad.

  Chapter 21

  Hazel

  Friday morning, Cr
uz didn’t show for class. Once again, I was in panic mode and burning a hole in the classroom door as I begged him to walk through it. I checked my phone and nothing. I knew Moody had given him a new phone.

  Cruz had come to me last night sometime around 1 AM, and I didn’t hear him leave. It was the first time he’d done that in weeks, and I didn’t know what to make of it. I’d been half asleep when I felt the side of my bed dip. He’d pulled me across his chest, kissed my forehead, and told me to go back to sleep. Maybe it had all been a dream.

  My chest was tight and my stomach was in knots when the bell rang at the end of first period. Where was he? My mind instantly went to the worst possible conclusions. He’d been arrested. One of the Malones who wasn’t in prison had gotten to him. Mitch’s house was set on fire. The hockey team decided to go another round on him before we got a chance to retaliate.

  I could barely breathe as the throngs of students filled the hallway. Escaping into the girls’ restroom, I splashed cold water on my face and took some deep breaths. As I went into a stall, I vowed that if he had gone off on his own to do something stupid again, I’d strangle him myself.

  After taking care of business and checking my phone again, I kicked the flush handle with my foot. Hitting his name on my phone, I brought the cell to my ear as I swung open the stall door.

  Before it could ring I looked up to find Cruz himself leaning against the bathroom counter, hands in his pockets, looking oh-so-casual. I blinked, looked around and confirmed it was empty. There’d been girls in here when I first came in so he must have shooed them out.

  My heart pounded in my chest at the sight of him. Relief clashed with anger and frustration as I stared back at him. Right, and the usual mix of heat and butterflies. Those eyes, so dark and deep I could sink right into them.

  Wait, no. Hadn’t I just vowed to strangle him a few minutes ago? Breaking eye contact, I swept past him and went to the sink to wash my hands.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Hazel, we need to talk.” He sounded so broken, it made me want to hug him. But he had some explaining to do. I turned to the hand dryer and took my time before facing him.

  “You want to talk now? Here?”

  He dropped his chin and scratched the back of his neck. “I guess I really do have a thing with getting you alone in restrooms, huh?”

  Neither of us laughed.

  “Where were you this morning?” I bit out.

  “My dad. I was with him. He’s had a bad few days. Really bad. But this morning, he wanted to hang with me. He was more like himself and I just wanted that time with him. I don’t know how much more I’ll have like that.”

  My rigid posture softened as he spoke and the tension in my chest melted. He was being genuine right now.

  I stepped closer to him, not wanting that space between us. “That’s good, Cruz. Really good.” It was. I was happy for him, but my heart still ached.

  “I should have texted you. I know I need to be better about that. I’m not used to checking in. I know we all need to do it for a while, but that’s new for me.”

  He took a deep breath. “Come here,” he said, reaching both hands out. I shook my head, not trusting myself to say what needed to be said if I got too close. Instead, I hopped up on the other side of the counter. He shifted to face me. “You’re still pissed at me, aren’t you?”

  I didn’t know how to answer that. Not anymore. Instead I focused on the most recent action – or inaction – that had upset me. “You scared me, Cruz, when you didn’t show for first period. Stop doing that.”

  “Scaring you?”

  “Yeah. Disappearing. Whatever is going on with you, you can’t just up and leave.”

  “I didn’t up and leave. I’ve been at school every day. I just missed class this morning.”

  He knew what I was saying, but if he needed me to spell it out, I would. “I’m not just talking about going physically MIA, Cruz. You’re detached. That scares me too.”

  “I’m not detached,” he protested, but it was only half-hearted. “I was about to beat up Isaiah Cross just the other day. I’m never detached when it comes to you, Hazel.”

  “Oh really? Is that why you’ve barely spoken two words to me since then?”

  “It’s my dad, Hazel. You wanted me to face what was happening with him, spend time with him. That’s what I’ve been doing.”

  I leaned back against the mirror. People kept trying to open the restroom door and found it locked. Now the bell was ringing for second period but I didn’t care. I needed to set some things straight and I was going to do it right here right now.

  Leaning forward, I made sure he was focused on me. “Cruz, we’re in a relationship. Any other relationship, a few days without talking much would be no big deal, it would be perfectly cool with me actually. Obligatory daily check-ins would piss me off if any other guy expected that of me. And hell, I don’t even want that with you. But we’re different, Cruz. I know you. I know how you are when you’re with me, really with me, and I know you don’t want to give me that right now. Something is up with you, and you aren’t telling me. I feel it. And I don’t like it. We can’t keep things from each other. Not again. If we do, it will destroy us. This is all or nothing, Cruz, okay? So you decide.”

  He looked at me for a long time, and I couldn’t read what he was thinking or feeling. He’d gotten so good at hiding his emotions. That scared me too.

  “What about you, Hazel? Three years ago you didn’t fight for me when I pulled away. Maybe I need you to fight for me now.”

  Before I knew what I was doing, my hand came up and I slapped him clear across the cheek. Hard. It hurt my hand and I shook it out, too shocked to look at him. Embarrassed? Maybe. It was all reflex, and I couldn’t decide if I should apologize.

  “I don’t know why I did that,” I mumbled.

  Cruz grabbed the hand I’d smacked him with and held it between his hands. He stepped between my legs. “I do. I deserved it. I can’t keep bringing up the past. You’ve let it go. I know you have. You’ve accepted it for what it is. I need to do the same.” Cruz reached up to tuck a hair behind my ear. “Besides, what I just said was dumb anyway. I broke up with you and you didn’t know any of the real reasons for it back then. It was a stupid thing to say.”

  “Is that what all this is about?” I asked. “The years we weren’t together and what we were each going through without each other? Will that always be baggage for us?”

  “Only if we let it.”

  Cruz’s eyes searched mine and with my free hand I traced his sharp jaw line, and the curve of his lips. I’d already let it go. But he had to do the same. And I knew that was only a tiny piece of what was going on with him anyway. An easy out.

  “Your features are too perfect,” I whispered. “Sometimes it looks like you’re wearing make-up.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “Stop distracting me,” he whispered back.

  “So what’s all this about? I don’t even know what we’re talking about anymore. All I know is, something isn’t right with you. With us. And it’s really pissing me off.”

  “I have a confession,” he said and my heart began pounding in my chest. My eyes widened and I started to pull away.

  “This is my confession, Hazel, and I want you to know, it’s not fucking easy to admit, but I have to do it.”

  “Just say it, Cruz.”

  “You terrify me. Us, together, it’s the scariest shit I’ve ever faced in my life.”

  I blinked, waiting for him to get to the real confession. When he didn’t say anything more, I felt laughter rumbling in my chest. A smile started to spread on my lips but I managed to force the laughter down. It was only from relief, but I knew it’d come off wrong. He looked so damn vulnerable right now.

  He pulled one of his hands away to bring it to cup my chin. Then he slowly traced the tiny smile on my own lips. “Why are you smiling about this, Hazel?”

  “Because I love you, Cruz, and you love me.
There’s nothing to be scared of. If that’s what’s wrong, then there’s nothing to worry about.”

  “How do I stop being scared, Hazel?”

  “Well,” I said in an exaggerated sultry voice, “you can start by fulfilling your restroom fantasies.”

  That got me a little smirk out of him. “Hazel, I haven’t had a woman in my life since my mom. That was six years ago.” And she had been snatched from him in the night, with no warning. “Well, I had you, but here’s my other confession: part of me was relieved I had to let you go. I’ve never admitted that to myself before. But it’s true. You terrified me then too. The idea of having a person, a girl I love, it’s always scared the shit out of me. What I feel for you, Hazel, I don’t know if I’d survive it if I lost you.”

  There was bewilderment in his voice, on his face, like he couldn’t believe he was saying this, like he was recognizing it for the first time as he was sharing it. And I saw the fear there too. But I was smiling in earnest now. Because he’d dug deep and revealed this truth to himself, and then given it to me. Seeing a guy like Cruz Donovan, in all his perfect glory, open and raw and vulnerable like this, it was a rare sight indeed. And it was downright beautiful.

  When his eyes filled and the first tear escaped, I rubbed my thumb over it. “I’m not going anywhere, Cruz. And I will fight for you, for us. I’ve committed to Harvard unofficially, and cancelled the visit to UMass this weekend.” I was happy I could give him this and through the emotion taking over him, I could see this gave him some comfort. It was a start. “I know you trust me and it’s the world you don’t trust. But I’ll take on the world too, for you, for us. I’ll start by keeping those Harvard girls away from you, but I know there will be other challenges.”

  “I think I need to be done with challenges, Hazel. Sure, I’d love to see you stake your claim to me in college, that will be hot as hell, but it’s time for me to realize I can actually have a life, a relationship with you, without major hurdles. Eventually we won’t even have to be looking over our shoulders all the time, and I need to realize that’s a good thing.”