Glasgow Fairytale

by Alastair D. McIver

  ‘I suppose I never really gave it much thought,’ pondered Jack.

  The bird dropping landed.

  The van rolled forward.

  The guard moved towards where Jack had been when he saw him last, then stopped and took a step back. From his point of view, Jack had suddenly changed position and conjured Rapunzel by his side.

  Jack took advantage of his momentary confusion by punching him hard on the jaw.

  ‘Ow!’ said Jack, nursing his fingers. ‘I think I broke my fist.’

  The guard was out cold.

  Jack turned with fear to the van, whose driver must have seen what had gone on in his mirror, and could still raise the alarm.

  The van flashed its hazard-warning lights once, signalling to Jack. The driver could raise the alarm … but he wouldn’t.

  Jack gave him a wave and ran for the woods with Rapunzel.

  They soon heard the sounds of alarm bells ringing.

  ‘What do we do now?’ asked Rapunzel.

  Jack did not like to admit he hadn’t thought that far ahead.

  Just then, a beautiful woman in a sparkly blue dress appeared before them, carrying a carpet under her arm.

  ‘Be not afraid,’ said the woman. ‘I’m yer Fairy Godmaw.’

  ‘What are you doing here?’ asked Jack.

  ‘Isn’t it obvious?’ replied the Fairy Godmaw. ‘I’m a plot device.’ She fixed Jack with a steely glare. ‘You had several more minutes of the time-freeze spell, but magic only works if you believe it, Son. Why did ye have to start doubting?’

  ‘I think that was me,’ shrugged Rapunzel.

  The Fairy Godmaw sighed. ‘I’m no supposed to dae this.’ She rolled out the carpet on the forest floor, just as they heard a distant cry of ‘There they are!’ and the sound of breaking twigs. ‘Get on the carpet and tell it where ye want to go.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Jack. He gathered Rapunzel onto the carpet and cried, ‘Beanstalk!’

  ‘Where?’ asked Rapunzel.

  But the carpet was already taking flight.

  It wobbled in airborne waves beneath them, making Jack nauseous, although he tried not to show it.

  ‘Jack,’ said Rapunzel. ‘Where are we going?’

  Jack explained about the beanstalk as briefly as he could.

  Rapunzel nodded, quite calmly. She had seen enough extraordinary things to make a beanstalk fairly easy to accept.

  ‘But we must go to Upenda.’

  ‘Punzy, Upenda’s safest where she is,’ Jack explained. ‘They’ll no deport her without you, but if you try and take her without permission, that’s abduction, and you could both get deported. I know it’s hard, but your best bet is to keep a low profile until yer lawyer gets back.’

  ‘No, you don’t understand,’ said Rapunzel. ‘You don’t know – can’t know – what danger she’s in. He’ll find her.’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Look, Jack, I can’t tell you everything. But … can’t you phone her?’

  ‘Dunno if the signal would interfere wi’ the magic carpet,’ said Jack.

  Rapunzel shot him a glare.

  ‘It was a joke!’ Jack insisted, taking out his mobile. ‘Tell you what I’ll dae … I’ll phone Ella on her mobile.’ He did so. ‘Hi, Ella, it’s Jack. Is Upenda there? What’s going on? You sound like you’re scrubbing a dozen horrible dogs … Oh. That’ll be why, then. Listen, is Upenda with you …? Can you get her?’ He looked up at Rapunzel. ‘She’ll just be a minute … Oh, hi, Upenda. Listen, don’t ask questions. I have your mother with me, and she wants to talk to you.’

  Rapunzel snatched the phone from Jack. ‘Upenda? Upenda, darling, how are you? Are you alright? Are they treating you well? Has … he come to you? … That is good. You know what to do if he does? … Good. I love you.’ Rapunzel listened to her daughter speak for a few minutes, tears spilling down her cheeks. ‘Listen, I must go. You be brave, and remember that I love you, and that everything will be alright. Okay. Goodbye.’

  She hung up.

  When she had gathered herself together, she looked into Jack’s eyes. ‘Are you sure you know what you’re doing with the beanstalk idea? I mean, how do you know it will not reject you as it rejected all others who have tried to get near? And what about me?’

  ‘I cannae explain,’ said Jack. ‘You’ve just got to have faith. I know that I’m the only one who can climb it. It’s my destiny. Everything will be alright if we go up there. I know it.’

  ‘But even if you can climb the beanstalk, surely I cannot?’

  ‘I think that as long as you’re touching me, you can get inside the force field. Just keep holding my hand and you’ll never fall.’

  Rapunzel didn’t look convinced.

  Jack sighed. ‘Look, I’m desperate to know what’s up there, okay?’

  ‘Now we’re getting to the truth.’

  ‘The polis have the area cordoned off. This is probably my only chance to get near the beanstalk.’

  ‘So you are using me to satisfy your own curiosity.’ She broke into a huge, cheek-inflating grin. ‘I should be angry, you know.’

  ‘Punzy, if you don’t want to go, we won’t go. Assuming I can figure oot how to steer this thing … But in all honesty, I can’t think of anywhere else we can go.’

  ‘I think it is a mistake,’ said Rapunzel, ‘and I have learned to distrust magic of any sort. But I will go with you, because I love you.’

  ‘That’s sweet … but very scary,’ mused Jack.

  They had no time to discuss the matter further. The magic carpet turned upside down and sent them plummeting through the air, then sped off.

  Both screamed as they fell through the air. Jack grabbed in order of priority: Rapunzel’s wrist; then the first other thing that came to hand.

  The latter was the stalk of a giant leaf, jutting out sideways from the giant beanstalk.

  When they had steadied themselves, Jack looked outwards. He could see the entire city. They had to be some distance off the ground.

  He noticed a structure nearby that looked familiar, but he couldn’t quite identify it. Then he realised that the reason he hadn’t recognised it at first was that he had never seen the top of it before. It hadn’t really occurred to him that there was such an angle.

  The Finnieston Crane.

  ‘Well,’ he said, looking up and seeing that they were less than halfway to the distant top of the beanstalk. ‘The only way is up!’

  There were enough leaves sticking out, enough vines as thick as ropes dangling down, that climbing was a relatively simple matter at first … providing one didn’t dwell too much on the size of the drop. The tricky part for the climbers was holding onto each other’s hands while climbing, for if Rapunzel lost contact with Jack, she would fall.

  It started to rain. Every time Jack tried to get purchase with his boots upon the smooth, wet surface of the beanstalk, he slipped and slid, and would have fallen if not for clinging on tightly to a vine.

  The only way up after the rain began was for Jack to grab a handhold and pull himself up with one hand, then lift the entire weight of Rapunzel with the other, and swing his legs up without ever letting go of Rapunzel’s hand.

  The higher they got, the more violently the wind made the beanstalk lurch from side to side, as if the gods themselves were trying to shake the couple loose.

  At one point Rapunzel lost her footing completely, and dangled from Jack’s muscular grip.

  ‘Hold on tight!’ Jack yelled to her.

  ‘Great idea!’ she called back. ‘I hadn’t thought of that!’

  Jack pulled her up to the relative safety of the branch he was on and kissed her. ‘Come on. The sooner we get to the top, the sooner we can … erm … just come on!’

  Jack heard a distant rumble of thunder and his heart beat so hard it hurt. It had not occurred to him until then, but if lightning hit the beanstalk, they were finished.

  ‘Come on, let’s go!’ he roared.

  ‘Excuse me,’ said Ra
punzel, ‘do you actually think that’s going to make me climb faster?’

  Jack marvelled at her cheek, muttering to himself, ‘I shoulda left her there.’

  The beanstalk was tapering, and soon became narrow enough that between the two of them, they could get their arms right around it. So hugging it tightly between their arms and holding fast to each other’s wrists, squeezing the beanstalk between their thighs, they inched their way up.

  Finally, they reached a plateau of soft, cloud-like ground that stretched before them.

  Jack patted the ground with his hand. ‘It’s okay,’ he said, ‘I think we can walk on it.’

  They took their first tentative steps on the physically impossible, solid cloud that stretched as far as the eye could see.

  ‘I don’t know what I was expecting,’ Jack grumbled. ‘But this wasnae it.’

  ‘This will do fine,’ said Rapunzel, sitting down. ‘I am glad of the chance to sit.’

  Rapunzel unpacked her hair from her jumper and spun her head round several times until her hair was in its usual style, piled up high upon her head, but revealing little clue about its extraordinary length.

  Seeing her do this made Jack think of how much he loved her hair, which made him think about how much he loved … everything about her, which made him blurt out, ‘Marry me, Punzy!’ before he could stop himself.

  Her reaction was far from what he had hoped: she burst into tears.

  ‘Hey, ssh!’ said Jack. He stooped to put an arm around her. ‘It’s not that horrible an idea, is it?’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ bubbled Rapunzel. ‘It’s just … it’s too much! Too much for one day!’ She sobbed loudly and hugged herself. ‘I’ve been a prisoner. I’ve been free. I’ve seen impossible things and climbed to the top of one of them. Now I am as tired as I’ve ever been, and you ask me to marry you.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Jack. ‘I’m sorry, I … I should have thought.’

  ‘So tired,’ said Rapunzel, ‘and so cold.’ She hugged herself even tighter, and shivered. Jack took half his jacket off, and put his free arm around her waist. Rapunzel put her arm into Jack’s empty sleeve. ‘Thank you,’ she said.

  They lay like that for a while, and Rapunzel said, ‘Jack … you talk of marriage … but there is no guarantee I will be allowed to stay in Scotland.’

  ‘Wherever you go, I’ll go with you,’ said Jack.

  ‘In my country, the king himself wants me dead. If you go with me, you will die too.’

  ‘Beats living without you.’

  They were silent for a time, and eventually Jack realised that Rapunzel was sleeping. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep too.

  CHAPTER 8

  Upenda awoke in the night, startled by a strange sound.

  But, no. It was more than that. She could hear breathing and there was a definite shape … like a short, hooded figure. She stopped breathing herself for a second to listen. No doubt about it. She was not alone in the darkness.

  She turned on the bedside lamp. That ordinarily chased the shadows away and reassured her that the shapes were nothing but everyday objects.

  But there really was a short, hooded figure by her bed.

  Its eyes glowed red from under its hood, and it reached out a greyish, skeletal hand towards her.

  ‘You have been removed from your mother’s protection,’ it hissed. ‘You are mine now.’

  Upenda sat bolt-upright and stabbed a finger at the creature. ‘I know your name!’ she cried.

  The creature started, took a step back, its decaying hands held up defensively as if the child were shining a bright light into its eyes. ‘That will keep you safe for now, but not for long. You must know that the power of that word is diminishing. Soon, without your mother, you will be beyond its help.’

  There was a soft knock at the bedroom door and Ella’s voice whispered, ‘Upenda, are you alright?’

  On hearing another’s voice, the creature vanished in a puff of smoke.

  ‘I’m fine,’ said Upenda. ‘I just had a bad dream.’

  ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘Sure.’

  Ella came in, smiled kindly at the child, and sat at the edge of the bed.

  ‘It’s a horrible feeling when ye’ve just had a bad dream, isn’t it?’ asked Ella. ‘And, like, ye cannae get back to sleep, but ye cannae get rid of the horrible atmosphere. The feeling, the smell, the fear.’

  ‘Aye,’ said Upenda. ‘That’s what it is like.’

  Ella nodded. ‘I’ve had plenty o’ those. But it’s no real, and it goes away after a while. Do ye want me to stay for a wee while?’

  ‘Yes. Are you sure it’s okay?’

  ‘Of course. I don’t mind.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  A few moments passed, then Ella said, in a hushed whisper, ‘Knock knock?’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Panda.’

  ‘Panda who?

  ‘Panda Monium!’

  Upenda giggled. ‘That was bad.’

  ‘If it was that bad, why are you laughing?’

  Upenda shrugged. Then she said, ‘Knock knock?’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Boo.’

  ‘Boo who?’

  ‘Don’t cry, it’s only a joke!’

  Ella chuckled. ‘And you said mine was bad? I’ve got one. Knock-knock?’

  ‘Who’s there?’

  ‘Interrupting cow.’

  ‘Interrupting c—’

  ‘MOOOOOOOOO!’

  Upenda giggled away, temporarily forgetting about her encounter with her family’s oldest enemy.

  They shared knock-knock jokes until Upenda’s failure to giggle signalled that she had fallen asleep.

  Then Ella crept back to her own room, leaving the light on.

  ‘Jack! Jack, wake up!’

  Jack awoke from a strange dream to an even stranger reality, which had grown stranger still while he was sleeping.

  A castle stood before his bleary eyes where none had been when he fell asleep.

  ‘Wow,’ said Jack, wondering how to respond to this surreal vision. Eventually he settled on, ‘Erra castle, by the way.’

  ‘So I see,’ said Rapunzel. ‘How do you feel?’

  ‘Ready to face my destiny,’ Jack insisted in a breathless whisper. ‘How about you?’

  ‘Sick of the sight of castles.’ She swallowed hard, then looked at Jack, attempting a confident smile. ‘Shall we …?’

  He took her hand and they approached the door to the castle. The closer they came, the clearer it became that the entrance was very, very large … and slightly ajar.

  ‘Jack, I don’t like this,’ said Rapunzel. ‘What sort of person needs such a large door?’

  ‘A very large person,’ said Jack, ‘but we cannae turn back noo.’

  ‘It is not right to enter someone’s home uninvited.’

  ‘But this isnae someone else’s home,’ insisted Jack. ‘I planted this beanstalk. My beanstalk. My castle. And above all, my destiny.’

  ‘You keep saying that word as if it means something,’ said Rapunzel. ‘Destiny is just stuff that is going to happen.’

  Jack crossed his arms sulkily. ‘If I thought something meant a lot to you, I’d do anything to help.’

  Rapunzel rolled her eyes.

  ‘I’ll tell you what,’ said Jack. ‘I’ll knock on the door. If there’s nae answer, we’ll go in. If someone tells us to sod off, we sod off. Fair?’

  ‘And if a giant comes out and throws us both off the beanstalk?’

  Jack grinned. ‘Then I promise I’ll never say the word “destiny” to you ever again.’

  ‘That isn’t funny,’ said Rapunzel. She looked at her feet in an effort to hide her smile.

  ‘Then why are you laughing?’

  ‘I’m not laughing,’ said Rapunzel, unable to talk and fight the spreading grin at the same time. ‘Okay, I may be smiling a bit, but I am certainly not laughing.’

  ‘You’re as curious a
s I am, aren’t you?’

  ‘I’m … a little bit curious,’ replied Rapunzel, cautiously.

  Jack took a deep breath, knocked on the door and waited.

  ‘Nae answer,’ he said.

  Rapunzel poked her head in the door. ‘Hello?’ she called. ‘Is anyone home?’ Her voice echoed back. ‘We have travelled a long way and need shelter. Can we come in?’

  A voice other than Rapunzel’s echo called back from within the castle. It cried ‘HELP!’

  ‘Sounds like an invitation to me,’ said Jack.

  ‘Aye,’ Rapunzel agreed and they dashed in as one.

  Along stone-built corridors they dashed, surrounded by the deafening thunder of their own echoing footsteps. The walls were lined with suits of armour and paintings of scary people, and the air smelled of blood, sweat and very old books.

  ‘help!’ cried the voice, and they followed it to a great chamber with a four-poster bed in the centre that was much bigger than a double-decker bus. Crystal lanterns and silver-framed mirrors adorned the walls, and a huge chandelier dangled magnificently from the ceiling.

  A rock in a corner, with a sword sticking out of it, looked out of place.

  By the bed was a man-sized cage with an ostrich in it, and, on top of that, a tiny, tiny cage with a tiny young woman in it, no bigger than Jack’s thumb.

  ‘Don’t just stand there. Get us out of here!’ hissed the tiny woman.

  ‘Right,’ said Jack.

  ‘Poor thing,’ cooed Rapunzel, stroking the beak of the ostrich through the bars of its cage. A poor thing it was indeed, for the cage was far too small for it. Its wings were pressed against its sides, its neck was bent to squeeze it in, and it was sitting on a growing pile of golden eggs.

  ‘BWAARKH!’ said the ostrich in a friendly way.

  ‘You are adorable,’ said Rapunzel. ‘Can we keep her?’

  ‘Gonnae just get us out of here?’ hissed the tiny one. ‘The giant will be back any minute.’

  ‘Awright, keep yer hair on,’ said Jack, trying to pull the door off the tiny cage. It was stronger than it looked.

  ‘Use the sword, you moron!’ spat the tiny woman.

  ‘What is it wi’ women I rescue? They’ve all got an attitude problem!’