Glasgow Fairytale

by Alastair D. McIver

  ‘I dunno. What do you reckon?’

  ‘I dunno. What do you reckon?’

  This went on for a few rounds before they dissolved in giggles, and Jill said, ‘I think we’re in.’

  Ella grinned. ‘It’s gonnae be beautiful!’

  Just then, the doorbell chimed. Jack got up to let in the Fairy Godmaw.

  As soon as she entered the living room, Ella glomped her.

  ‘Thank you!’ cried Ella! ‘Thank you so much! For everything!’

  Her Fairy Godmaw laughed and kissed her forehead. ‘Always a pleasure, Ella.’ She freed herself from the embrace and handed a package to Jack.

  ‘Housewarming prezzie,’ she said.

  The gift was large and circular, and quite heavy.

  ‘Thanks,’ Jack said, and tore the wrapping paper off.

  It was a highly polished, highly decorated shield.

  ‘That will protect you against one blow fae a magical weapon. Just the wan, mind, then its power is gone.’

  ‘Uh-oh,’ said Jack, a queasy feeling rising inside of him. ‘I have the horrible feeling you’re about to tell me I’m gonnae need this.’

  ‘I wish I could tell you you’re wrang,’ said the Fairy Godmaw.

  Jack swallowed hard.

  The queasy feeling in his stomach was now in every stomach in the room.

  ‘What’s going on?’ said Crabbit.

  ‘See Reggie King? He still wants Snowy deid. And noo he’s after the Freaks and all.’

  ‘Yes, we know that,’ said Jack.

  ‘Aye, but what you don’t know is that he’s got help,’ said the Fairy Godmaw. ‘Help fae a big, bad wolf called the Big, Bad Wolf, and also … fae Rumpelstiltskin.’

  Silence fell like a bomb upon the room. Everyone traded ominous glances.

  Rapunzel felt her blood run cold. ‘What does … he … have to gain by an alliance with King?’

  ‘He finds it hard to attack us because we know his name,’ said Jack. ‘The power of that won’t last forever, but it’ll do for now. So he gets King to do his dirty work, to kill us, take Upenda … and in exchange, he gives King a magical weapon of some sort to finish off Snowy and the Freaks. Am I right?’

  ‘Aye, I’m afraid so,’ sighed the Fairy Godmaw. ‘It’s an enchanted club. Mair than a match for your sword, I’m afraid.’

  Jack held up the shield. ‘This the best ye can dae?’

  ‘Aye. I’m forbidden to interfere in mortal affairs. Now, as you know, I’ve been treating that more as a guideline than a rule, but direct intervention in a mortal conflict … oot the question. Giving you that shield is probably mair than my wings are worth.’

  Jack looked helplessly from the Fairy Godmaw, to Rapunzel and Upenda, to Snowy, to the Freaks. ‘I cannae protect all of yous all the time!’

  ‘Reginald King isnae a very patient man,’ said the Fairy Godmaw. ‘Withoot his mirror, he’ll have a hard time finding yous all. Not beyond him, but difficult. I’ll wager he’s gonnae attack when he knows yous are all gonnae be in the same place at the same time.’

  Another silence, as the significance of that dawned on everyone.

  Jill’s eyes went wide. ‘The wedding.’

  No one said anything for a long moment. Finally Jill said, ‘We have to call it off.’

  ‘Why?’ cried Ella.

  ‘What do you mean, “why?” ’Cause King’s gonnae show up and kill us all at my wedding, that’s why!’

  ‘I agree with Jill,’ said Rapunzel. ‘I will not put my daughter in danger.’

  ‘Mum!’ cried Upenda. ‘Don’t I get a say in this?’

  ‘No, you don’t.’

  ‘Look,’ said Ella. ‘We’re gonnae have to face him sooner or later anyway. So our options are: A: we can invite each other to our weddings, and gie him four chances instead o’ wan; B: we can no invite each other to our weddings, which would suck, and he would catch up with yous eventually and pick yous off wan-by-wan; C: we could cancel all four weddings awthegether, which would suck more, and same problem. Plus you’d have to spend your whole lives in hiding. Or, D: we can stick with the plan and say, “Bring it on!” I mean, Jack said it himself: he cannae protect all of us all the time. This is oor best chance.’

  ‘I’m wi’ Ella,’ said Jack. ‘Nae choice.’

  Dragonman cleared his throat, sending plumes of smoke into the room. ‘Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe I speak for all the Freaks when I say … we will never hide again.’

  The other Freaks, including Nono, nodded solemnly.

  ‘I just want us to be clear on this,’ said Jill. ‘We’re no just organising a wedding, we’re organising a war?’

  ‘The war’s on no matter what we do, Jill,’ Ella told her gently. ‘And if we lose, there isnae gonnae be a wedding.’

  ‘Let King crash the wedding,’ said Jack, holding his shield aloft. ‘If he does, he’s getting it!’

  ‘Jack, I need to talk to you a second,’ said Jill.

  Alone in the kitchen, trying to gather her thoughts and control her feelings, Jill was joined by Jack.

  She had her back to him when he entered, and she didn’t turn to face him.

  ‘Are you awright?’ asked Jack.

  Jill folded her arms and began trembling all over. ‘No, Jack, I’m no awright.’ Her voice was cracking. ‘I’m very, very no awright.’

  Jack went to touch her, but she resisted.

  ‘You seem,’ she began, but was choked by emotion. ‘You seem pretty gung-ho aboot this whole thing. I think you enjoy the role of action hero a wee bit too much for yer ain good.’

  ‘Jill, that’s not fair. I wasnae meaning to be an action hero. It just sort of … happened. Look at me, Jill.’

  Jill turned to face him. She was crying.

  ‘Jill, I have to be strong, or at least kid on to be strong. For my family. For you. I’m sorry if that upsets you.’

  ‘It would be … it would be terrible for me to think that you were relishing the idea of killing Reggie.’

  Jack’s features hardened. ‘You’re right. It would be terrible for you to think that.’

  ‘But you don’t seem to have a lot against the idea.’

  The hardness in Jack’s face suddenly cracked open.

  ‘Oh, Jill, when you get it wrong, you really …’ He steadied himself and chewed his lips, fighting the tears. ‘Jill, when I killed that giant, I … I don’t know how to say it. I … I can never get back what I lost in that moment. Never. I don’t like being a killer, and I certainly don’t want to do it again. I cannae talk to anyone about how much it gnaws at me that I might have to!’

  ‘Reggie was very cruel to me when I was wi’ him,’ Jill said, distantly, in almost a ghost of her usual voice. ‘Noo he’s trying to kill the man I love and a fair few of my friends … and you. But for a’ that … he meant something to me once and I really don’t want him to die!’

  ‘Okay,’ he said. ‘It’s okay. Jill, I give you my word. If I can find any way to keep everyone I love safe without killing King, I’ll do it.’

  The mood was sombre when Jack and Jill returned to what had started as a party.

  ‘Okay,’ said Ella. ‘Decision time. If you want the joint wedding and all that comes wi’ it, give me yer hand. If I don’t see seven other hands, we forget the whole thing, nae questions asked.’

  She reached across the table. Harry did the same and put his hand on hers.

  Then Crabbit’s gnarled green and the Frog Prince’s giant black hand joined them. Then Rapunzel and Jack did the same. Finally, so did Jill and Snowy.

  Like an eight-spoked bike wheel, they stood round the table, hand upon hand, dreading what was to come.

  CHAPTER 18

  ‘That’s absolutely amazing,’ said Jill.

  The brides were trying on their wedding dresses in Jill’s living room.

  Ella beamed, twirling in her dress. ‘Fairy Godmaw made me it.’

  ‘Zip me up?’ said Jill. Ella helped her with the zip
at the back of her wedding dress.

  ‘I look stupid!’ insisted Crabbit, shuffling awkwardly in her wedding dress. ‘Freaks like me shouldnae wear dresses like this! I mean, look at me!’

  ‘You would rather marry in rags?’ asked Rapunzel, struggling into her own dress.

  ‘Frankly, yes. Then at least I wouldnae be a walking, talking oxymoron!’

  ‘You look like an angel, Mum,’ said Upenda.

  Jill looked in the mirror and grinned. ‘Look at me. I’m almost pretty.’

  Ella rolled her eyes. ‘Jill, you are pretty. You’ve always been pretty.’ She rubbed Jill’s shoulder affectionately. ‘You put too much of your self-esteem in how you look, and too much of your opinion of how you look in your weight. You’re the best human being I’ve ever met, and you’re also drop-dead gorgeous. If you don’t believe me, think of it this way: you’ve pulled the bonniest man in Glasgow. Twice!’

  Jill laughed.

  They heard a key turning in the lock. Ella stood back. ‘Who’s that?’

  Jill frowned, confused. ‘Cannae be Jack. He knows we’re trying on dresses.’

  Rapunzel ushered Upenda behind her and adopted a fighting stance.

  But it was Jack.

  He came into the room with his head down and sank into his usual beanbag.

  ‘Jack, get oot o’ here!’ cried Jill. ‘Ye cannae see Punzy’s dress afore the wedding!’

  Jack didn’t look her in the eye. They held their breath waiting for him to speak.

  ‘Went back to Maw’s to get some things,’ croaked Jack. He cleared his throat to try and get control of his voice. ‘She was on the floor. Massive heart attack. I phoned an ambulance and did CPR, but … they couldnae resuscitate her. She’s away.’

  It was a long, yet short, and very strange day.

  Everyone had gone to Jack’s house after digesting the news. Phone calls were made, condolences expressed, and by the evening only Jack, Rapunzel, Upenda, Snowy, Jill and Thumbelina remained.

  Jack was making coffees, and going over and over in his mind what happened; what he imagined he could have done better.

  Thirty chest compressions to two breaths. He was sure that was right. But they did keep changing it.

  ‘How are you feeling?’ said Jill.

  ‘Pretty crappy,’ said Jack.

  ‘Yeah, same here.’

  ‘I don’t know if I can do this,’ said Jack.

  ‘Do what?’ said Jill.

  ‘Anything,’ said Jack. ‘The wedding. Fighting King. Anything. It’s easy to be brave when you’ve got a mammy who’d rip anyone’s liver oot if they laid a finger on you, you know? And noo? Noo I just cannae dae anything. I’m sorry, it’s just … everybody’s expecting me to be able to be this big, sword-waving hero … and I’m no. No anymair.’

  Jill nodded slowly. His words scared her more than anything else in the world, but she accepted them. ‘Okay. Well, I don’t really know what we’re gonnae dae without you, but we’ll talk aboot it after the funeral.’

  Jack slapped his forehead. ‘The funeral! God!’

  ‘What is it?’ asked Rapunzel.

  Jack was biting his lip and squeezing his eyes shut. ‘You cannae come. Neither can Upenda. Neither can Snowy.’

  It was a thought that hadn’t occurred to Jill before and it hit her like a ton of bricks. All at once she knew Jack was right. ‘Security,’ she grumbled.

  ‘Aye. We think King’s gonnae attack the wedding because he knows we’ll all be there. So we cannae have us all at the funeral, because that could turn into a really crappy day!

  ‘I should’ve done more,’ said Jack, still unable to believe what had happened. ‘I … I should’ve been there earlier, I should’ve … I should’ve done something better, I should’ve … I should’ve saved her.’

  ‘There was nothing you could’ve done,’ insisted Thumbelina. ‘Look, face it … she was sort of asking for it.’

  Jill bristled. ‘As always, Thumbelina, you’ve shown the sensitivity of a sandpaper wet wipe.’

  ‘I’m no meaning to,’ said Thumbelina. ‘I’m just saying … she was a heart-attack waiting to happen. She smoked like a chimney, drank like a fish, and thought deep-fried pies were a light snack. Only person who could’ve stopped this fae happening was her ain self. If she was here she’d be the first to agree wi’ me. And she’d gie you a big kick up the bum if she could hear you beat yersel’ up for something you could never in a million years have done anything aboot!’

  Jack balled his hands into fists. He had to be angry at someone. ‘And you!’ he suddenly snapped at Jill. ‘How’d you no use magic to bring her back?

  ‘You know as well as I do magic doesnae work like that,’ Jill replied, shaking her head sadly.

  ‘How no?’ demanded Jack, furiously.

  It was Rapunzel who put her hand on him and replied, ‘She’s right, Jack. Magic must work always with nature, never against it.’

  ‘No much natural aboot what I’ve seen o’ magic,’ snorted Jack.

  ‘On the contrary,’ said Rapunzel. ‘Do you see nothing magical about life? About the universe? About time and space and everything that exists? Magic and nature are not two things, they are one. Just as God and nature are not two things, they are one. Just as God and love and creativity are one.

  ‘The life of every living thing is a miracle, and nature gives it freely. But we can only have it a short time, before we move on. And that is why magic cannot bring someone back from death, and it is good that it cannot, because that’s what keeps the river of life flowing.’

  ‘Aye,’ said Jill. ‘What she said.’

  The post-funeral wake began as a fairly boring affair, with the buzz of boring old people talking about boring old things.

  When the shrivelled lady with the sandwiches arrived at Jack and Jill’s table, Jill asked, ‘Excuse me, do you know if there’s any vegetarian sandwiches?’

  The shrivelled lady looked at Jill as if she were an alien, and finally answered, ‘There’s tuna, Hen.’

  Jill smiled a strained smile until she was out of earshot, then said, ‘Sod it. I’m going for chips.’

  ‘Thought you were trying to cut doon on chips?’ said Jack.

  ‘Naebody’s perfect, Jack. You want anything?’

  ‘Naw, I’m alright, thanks.’

  ‘You be alright here yersel’?’

  ‘Aye,’ said Jack. ‘Nae bother.’

  As soon as Jill left, though, Jack found himself wanting for company. He had Thumbelina in his pocket, though, who would whisper the occasional ‘You alright?’ or a rude comment about Jack’s elderly relatives.

  Said elderly relatives seemed to be taking it in turns to come up, say, ‘Och, hello! I’ve no seen ye in years,’ and, ‘That was a really good eulogy. That was oor Liz, spot on,’ and, ‘I hear you’re getting married? I’d’ve thought she’d be here.’

  Jack politely thanked them and told them Rapunzel was ill, but he didn’t recognise any of them.

  Suddenly, Jack knew he had to excuse himself. He felt something quite horrid, a sensation like something evil was around him and inside him all at once.

  From the corner of his eye, he saw a dark, hooded creature with glowing red eyes, staring at him from the fire exit, and then it was gone without anyone else noticing. Although he’d never met the creature, Jack knew exactly who and what he was dealing with. He followed Rumpelstiltskin outside and into a secluded alleyway.

  He grabbed the elf and pinned him against a wall. Rumpelstiltskin didn’t struggle.

  ‘Have you nae shame at all, Rumpelstiltskin?’ He felt the creature weaken in his hands, heard it groan in pain. It was very satisfying. ‘I’ve just lost my mother. You leave me and my family alane!’

  ‘Knowing my name will not protect you forever,’ said Rumpelstiltskin. ‘Its power diminishes each time you use it. Soon you will be helpless.’

  ‘I’ll no be helpless if I snap your neck!’

  ‘Do not threaten me. I come in pe
ace, to pay my respects, and make you a proposition.’

  ‘Don’t tell me, let me guess,’ said Jack. ‘I have to hand my step-daughter over to you and you won’t kill me or anyone I care aboot. Then you’ll stop King from killing Snowy and the Freaks.’ He shook his head sadly. ‘So predictable. Go away, Shorty. I’m no interested.’

  ‘Then a lot of people, including you, will die for your arrogance,’ said Rumpelstiltskin. ‘And the child will still be mine. Think about it.’

  Jack threw him to the ground. ‘Here’s my counter-proposition,’ he growled. ‘You come near my family again … and I’ll kill you.’

  He went back inside, leaving the elf struggling to his feet.

  Rumpelstiltskin was just gathering the strength to vanish, when he heard a voice behind him.

  ‘Rumpelstiltskin?’

  He knew it was not the voice of a mortal, for he felt nothing when she used that name. He turned around to face the Fairy Godmaw.

  ‘You?’ he spat.

  She smiled politely. ‘Before ye disappear, do you think I could have a wee word?’

  Jill ate half a bag of chips, binned the rest, and took a deep breath before returning. She had hoped to get some tears out the way while no one was watching, but none would come.

  She felt she had to stay impossibly strong for Jack. Oh, Jack was strong in his own way, when it came to rescuing damsels and slaying giants … but for coping with death, he had to lean on Jill.

  When she rejoined Jack, he told her about the encounter with Rumpelstiltskin outside.

  She drew a deep breath. ‘We didnae need that. You awright?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ said Jack. ‘But you mind what I said aboot no being able to cope?’

  ‘Aye?’

  ‘Well, forget it! If that midget shows up at my wedding, he’s pure getting it! Same goes for King and the Wolf. They’ll no be pushing me around.’

  ‘Gaun yersel’!’ came a voice from Jack’s pocket.

  Jill smiled. ‘Nice to have the old Jack back.’

  Suddenly, there was a great stir. People were shoving their chairs this way and that, to get out the way or to get a better look, and the hall echoed with cries of ‘Oh, my God!’ and ‘What is that?’ and ‘Somebody step on it!’