by Dianne Drake
“We all make our choices, I suppose. My mom’s diabetic and my dad, well, I never knew him because he was a number in a sperm catalogue. Someone with the right qualities to produce a good baby.”
“That’s what your mother told you?”
“We Landers women are very—forthcoming.”
“And it doesn’t bother you, knowing you were...”
“You can say it. I was the product of my mother’s egg and her donor of choice. Now, about that water...”
He was stunned by how casually she took her parentage. It was simply a matter of fact, move on. He didn’t know whether to admire it or pity it. “Well, I did find a few healthy things in the fridge and put a couple of salads together. Lots of pico de gallo, avocado, cilantro, corn, tomatoes—that sort of thing. I didn’t add the jalapeños because I wasn’t sure you could do spicy.”
“I do spicy just fine, as long as it’s not too spicy.”
Matt stood. “Well, let me go get dinner, then.”
“Lucas is in bed?” she asked.
“Asleep before his head hit the pillow.” He took a few steps toward the veranda door then stopped but didn’t turn to face her. “Is it mine?” he asked, quite simply.
“Is what yours?”
“The baby. I’m assuming it’s mine, or otherwise you wouldn’t be here.” Matt blew out a long, anxious breath. “You did come to tell me I’m going to be a father, didn’t you?”
“I did.”
He nodded, his composure perfectly intact, then went into the house, leaving Ellie sitting alone outside. Once he got in, however, his passive demeanor gave way and his knees nearly buckled under him. In fact, it was all he could do to make it from the dining area just inside the door to the kitchen, which wasn’t more than about twenty steps. And with every step he took he fought to push it out of his mind. Willed himself to not think. Forced himself to pick up the salads, pour Ellie a glass of water and make that long trip back outside to her. Not that he’d be able to eat now. Just the thought of food almost caused him to gag.
“I made some tortillas to go along with the salad,” he said, sitting back down, deliberately not looking at her, even though he knew she was staring at him.
“Are you always this cool under pressure?” she asked.
“When you work in a battlefield, you have to be cool.”
“But this isn’t a battlefield, Matt, and you’re not working.”
“No, I’m not. But what I am doing is trying to figure out where this conversation goes from here. It’s a first for me.”
“How about something where you’re very excited about becoming a dad. Or you’re very angry. Either one would be a start.”
“But I’m not excited. Not angry either. I’m just...stunned. That’s big news and I need some time to let it sink in.”
“I’m not here to pressure you,” Ellie said. “But I didn’t think this kind of news should be dealt with over the phone, which is the real reason I’m here. I came to tell you in person. So, any initial thoughts...reactions?”
He poured himself a glass of margarita, took a long drink, then finally looked at her. “Numb. I’m numb. And shocked. And confused.” He took another drink. “So, now it’s your turn. Tell me how you’re feeling.”
Ellie actually laughed. “At first, pretty much the same way you are. I didn’t plan this, Matt. We used protection. I know you mentioned that the condom had slipped but I wasn’t fertile—at least, I shouldn’t have been. I mean, having a little fling in a hotel with a stranger isn’t me. I’ve never done that before. Then to have this happen as a result...” She shook her head. “It certainly changes things, doesn’t it?”
It did, and he wasn’t anywhere close to being ready to think about them. First things first. He had to come to terms with a baby—his baby—coming into this world in what he estimated to be about another twenty-three weeks, give or take. “So, should I ask the obvious? Are you sure it’s mine?”
“You were the first man I’d been involved with in over four years, and there’s been nobody since. But, if you need proof, we could have tests...”
This discussion was too rigid. It was as if they were talking about something impersonal, like what kind of tongue depressors to order. But damn. Matt didn’t know the etiquette or protocol for this kind of situation, if there was such a thing. “No. I don’t need proof.” He trusted her. Even though he didn’t know Ellie that well, something about her made Matt trust her. Maybe because she was—different. Very honest, very open. He’d found that an attractive quality when he’d met her in Reno.
This is what it is, Matt. No strings. Only a diversion for a night. Can you handle that?
It was especially attractive as no one in his life had ever been open or honest with him. Going for a walk, his old man would say. Be right back. Except right back often turned into two or three weeks. There’ll be food on the table tonight, son. I just got paid. Except the only thing on the table was an empty booze bottle.
So, yes, he appreciated her honesty. Now more than before. “I believe you. So, what’s the bottom line here, Ellie?” It occurred to him he didn’t even know her real name. Was Ellie short for Eleanor or Elizabeth or Elena? And did she have a middle name?
“The bottom line is I came to Forgeburn to see if you want to be involved in this. It’s your child, too, and you have every right to be a father in any way you want.”
“You don’t mince words, do you?”
“Like I said about the Landers women... Anyway, I knew after I passed out you’d probably suspect something like this. Especially since we were just a fling. So why bother pretending it’s anything other than what it is? We took the first step together in creating this child, I took the second step in coming here to tell you, so now the next step is yours.”
“As in financial obligation? Because I don’t have a lot. I’m military, not private sector. But I’ll certainly do my part.”
“I was thinking something a little more substantial than that.”
Matt swallowed hard. Something was coming, and it wasn’t going to be good. “Define more substantial.”
“Well, I’m not going to raise this baby. I don’t want to be a single mom the way my mother and grandmother both were. The women in my family lack maternal instinct, and this baby wasn’t in my plan. But I want to make sure he, or she, gets the best possible start in life. After that, I’m going to step aside because my life won’t accommodate a child, and I don’t want to raise a child the way my mother raised me—with tutors and nannies. Which is what would happen, given my involvements. Children need more than that, more than I had, and I don’t have what they need. I’m smart enough to realize that. So, for starters, no abortion. We created this child, and it deserves a chance at life. Even though I’m only eighteen weeks along, I feel...an attachment.”
Ellie paused for a moment, and her eyes went distant. Maybe to a place where she was holding the baby or singing it a lullaby. That’s where Matt’s mind was for that instant. The two of them, huddled together with their baby, looking so happy. But the image disappeared, to be replaced by an image of a battlefield surgery, and the blood, the distant gunshots. “So, if you’ve ruled out abortion...”
“The reason I’m here is to ask you if you want to raise the baby. Take full custody, let me pay you child support, and allow me to step away from it. At least, that was my intention before I knew you were still in the army, so now...”
Matt swallowed hard, again. He knew what was on the other end of that sentence. Because if he didn’t, she’d give the child—his child—up for adoption. How was it that just a few simple weeks ago his life was set? He knew where he wanted to be, and what he wanted to be doing. And now he had not one but two children who were both on the verge of being given up. Damn, what was he going to do about that?
CHAPTER THREE
“IT COULD HAVE
been worse.” Ellie dropped down on her bed and eased out a sigh. She was tired, and she was a little worried that she’d fainted. But Matt was a good doctor, which made her feel better. At least for now. But in the morning?
Sleep didn’t come as easily as she’d hoped it would, though. For the first half-hour she tossed and turned, and willed every thought out of her mind. Which didn’t work. So she punched the pillow for the fifth or sixth time, and thought about what a nice place this would be to raise a baby. Nice house. Beautiful landscape all around it. And she didn’t mind the isolation. In a way it soothed her, held back the pressures.
Another time, another life, this might have been the kind of place she would have chosen for herself. Just the three of them, or actually four. Taking hikes in the desert together. Going for adventures near some of the old Anasazi pueblo ruins she’d seen on the road coming in. Maybe buying a couple of horses and learning to ride. Such an idyllic life, but that wasn’t her life. Giving Matt the opportunity to raise the baby then going back to her business was. And it was on that note, the one that was always familiar, Ellie finally went to sleep.
* * *
Who to talk to when there was nobody to talk to? That’s what his life boiled down to. Nobody. No old friends here anymore. Anybody Matt would have considered a casual friend was still in the army and somewhere overseas. It was disconcerting, realizing exactly how alone he was, but make no mistake. He was alone here. But, damn, if ever there was a time he needed to talk, it was now.
He thought about Carter Holmes, his old partner back in Kandahar. Top-notch surgeon, maybe even better than Matt, and Matt considered himself pretty damned good. They’d walked the walk for several months, had partnered as well as any two docs could, and had become close—the kind of closeness that could only happen on the battlefield. They’d seen things together, done things together than no person should ever have to see or do. And had come through it.
Except Carter’s coming through hadn’t been all that great. He’d taken some shrapnel, it had been touch and go with life for a while, and had come out with some PTSD working against him.
Lucky for Carter, he’d had a good woman waiting for him back home. That lucky son of a—And that’s where Matt assumed he was now. In her arms, pulling his life back together. Which meant Carter didn’t need to hear about Matt’s problems. Not now. In a way, he envied Carter what he had, though. It was something he couldn’t foresee for himself, but it was...nice. A settled life. Stability. Someone to love who loved him back. Nice dream, but not his dream.
So, once again, nobody to talk to. Normally, it didn’t matter. Right now, in the wee hours, it did.
Blowing out a frustrated breath, Matt took a quick look in at Lucas to make sure he was OK, then went outside to the veranda. Sat down, stared up at the moon. Listened to the far-off howl of a wolf. No one howled back at him either.
* * *
“Pregnancy requires proper nutrition,” Matt said, chopping sweet cubanelle peppers into the skillet.
He looked good. Nice jeans, nice T-shirt. Rugged. But not rested. Her fault, she was sure. Ellie felt bad for that as she hadn’t wanted any of this to be disruptive. Of course, what had she expected? Hi, remember me from a few months back? Well, I’m your baby mama now.
“And my nutrition is good. Nothing to worry about there,” Ellie said, sitting down at the kitchen table, pleased that he was taking care of her. No one ever had unless they had been paid to. This was strange—but nice.
“What does your doctor have to say about that?” Matt asked, turning away from the counter to face her. He wiped his hands on a cloth towel and slung it over his shoulder.
“He’s fine with that part of my pregnancy.”
“Is there anything you haven’t told him yet?” he asked, crossing over to the refrigerator. He pulled out a wire basket of fruit and sat it down. “Because, as your attending physician...”
“He knows what he needs to know,” she snapped, then instantly regretted it. Matt didn’t need her mood—and, yes, she did have mood swings. That was the worst part of pregnancy so far. But to swing on Matt—he was trying to be the good guy here. The one in the white hat. While she was the stranger who had come riding in to interrupt his life. “Look, I know I’m not supposed to have it, but coffee...”
Matt shook his head. “No caffeine. And while I probably don’t have the right to tell you that, remember you’re the one who came to me with this...well, it’s not a problem. Children aren’t problems. But it’s a situation. And because half that situation is mine, I do get some say.”
She liked the forcefulness. Smooth yet firm. And sexy. Not that a woman in her condition had any business looking at sexy anything. Or did they? Ellie honestly didn’t know if those kinds of feelings stirred during pregnancy, and she sure wasn’t going to ask Matt, since he was the one stirring them. Maybe she’d ask Doc Shaffer when she got home. Or just ignore everything.
“You do,” she conceded. “You’re right about the coffee, too. I have moments of weakness, though. Don’t give in to them, but sometimes they do surface.”
Matt prepped the fruit and dumped it into a juicer, then tidied the kitchen. He said nothing for the next couple of minutes. Not a single word. And Ellie felt awkward, since she’d envisioned long talks with him and forging some sort of bond. But with his back to her, there was nothing to do other than sit and wait until he turned around and either gave her the smoothie or decided to talk. “How do you know I don’t have a fruit allergy?” she finally said after the silence just got too much for her.
“Well, first off, since you see me preparing fruit, I’d assume you’d tell me if you did have an allergy. Also, that first night in Reno, when I was ordering late-night room service, you told me you were healthy. Weren’t allergic to anything.”
“You remembered that?” Ellie was surprised that he had since that was such a small detail in the scheme of everything else that had happened between them. Surprised, but pleased. Did that mean he might have thought about her since then? Or was she reading too much into something that really didn’t matter?
“Had to. Didn’t want to order something that would result in an EpiPen later. Didn’t have one with me either.” Matt turned and handed her a tumbler of the fruit drink. Then smiled. “I also remember that you’re a left-side-of-the-bed person, almost to the point of an OCD problem.”
“It’s not that bad,” she said, blushing. Was he flirting with her?
“Yes, it is. But it didn’t matter because I can adjust to any side of the bed, the floor, a cot, a trench or foxhole...” He shrugged. “And I have, on all of them.”
“Because of the army?”
“Because I spent my childhood sleeping on the floor, or anyplace else I could find that wasn’t covered with my old man’s...” Matt stopped. Turned back to the sink to rinse the blender.
“Your old man’s what?” Ellie asked him.
“Rubbish,” he said. “My old man’s rubbish. He found it on the street, in alleys, in trash bins, and carted it home then dumped it wherever he could. Including the spot on the floor I would have cleared the night before so I could sleep.”
“You slept on the floor? In filth?”
“Filth, rodents, bugs.” He turned back round to face her. “That’s what squatters and beggars do.”
Ellie didn’t even know what to say to that and judging from the cold expression she saw in his eyes now, she thought it best not go anywhere near it.
“When did you go to the store?” she asked, hoping to change the conversation to something not quite as explosive as his childhood seemed to have been. “Because last night you didn’t have any of this.” She held up her smoothie.
“This morning, on my way to take Lucas to his babysitter—Betty Nelson.”
“Is she good?” Ellie asked. “My mother always went through a lengthy interview process to find my nannie
s and tutors, but there were a couple of them she hired...” She cringed, thinking about the mistakes her mother had made finding good child care on several occasions, and wondering if she herself would have what was necessary to find the right adoptive parents for the baby. What if she made a mistake, the way her mother had done occasionally? The difference was her mother had fired her mistakes. She, on the other hand, would doom the baby to a lifetime living with the mistake she could make. It was a sobering thought and a frightening one.
“Betty’s great. And the best part is she’s flexible. I can take Lucas to her any time, day or night. She doesn’t mind.”
“Then you’re lucky.”
“I am, but I’d rather keep him with me as much as I can. Probably something to do with not ever having a real parent myself. At least, while Lucas is with me, I can be a real parent.”
A temporary parent, she thought. Could Matt not see what would happen when another parent was found for Lucas? It was going to crush that child. Already her heart was breaking for that little boy. But it wasn’t her place to say anything, so she didn’t. “Well, sometimes having a real parent isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. I did, and it didn’t work out so well for me. Anyway, I think I’ll take this smoothie with me—which is delicious, by the way—go take a shower, then maybe we’ll have time to really talk about what we’re going to do.”
“Sorry. I have a couple of ranch calls to make this morning. Nothing strenuous or too far way, if you’d care to ride along with me,” Matt said, cracking three eggs into the skillet, then dropping in some stick butter and a handful of vegetables he’d cut up earlier—cubanelle peppers, onions, mushrooms. “If you feel like you’re up to it.”
“A ride? Maybe that’s a good way to start slowing down. I’m not used to doing things at a leisurely pace, so since you think I’ll be OK...” Ellie shrugged. This wasn’t what she’d had in mind but she was the intruder here. The choices weren’t hers to make. Which was unusual, as in her real world all the choices were hers. Every last one of them. Yet right now, letting someone else step in was nice. It was almost like being on holiday. No worries. No concerns. No decisions.
