by Dianne Drake
Then Ellie had spent two hours in clinic with him, watching a handful of people come and go. All locals with simple complaints, all made to feel special by Matt’s way. He wasn’t overly friendly. He definitely kept a professional distance, was quite obviously trying hard to improve his bedside manner, and he was succeeding in making them feel the way she was feeling now. That was a gift she thought Matt was only now discovering in himself. Maybe it was the gift that had initially attracted her to him that night in Reno because for her to have done what she had with a stranger—that wasn’t her. Not at all.
Whatever the case, Ellie was glad to be back here. Glad to hear Matt and Lucas playing in the other part of the house. The little boy still hadn’t talked, but the way he automatically clung to Matt’s hand and tried to walk the way Matt did, in long, deliberate strides, touched her heart. Everything about the special uncle-nephew relationship touched her heart, which made her long for the same for their child. And, perhaps, for her?
Of course, she was emotionally sloppy right now. Another time, another situation and none of this would have phased her. At least, she didn’t think it would. She was a businesswoman who belonged in the business world. That’s where she fit. Where she was comfortable. Although she wasn’t quite as connected to that life as she had been yesterday. That would change, though. After she left here. After she got back to normal.
“Well, we have some dinner choices,” Matt said, poking his head through Ellie’s open casita door.
“Anything’s fine with me,” she said, lifting her head off the pillow only to see Matt and Lucas standing in her doorway, same exact pose, with Lucas imitating Matt. “I’ll even eat a little meat protein, if you think I need to.”
“I’m not going to compromise your eating sensibilities unless I have to. Right now, I don’t have to. But it’s not about the food. I’ve thrown some various things together for a picnic. So, what’s up here is where, exactly, we’re going to have that picnic. My suggestion is the patio. Lucas wants to go up to the flat. You get to decide between the two.”
Ellie sat up in bed. “First, what’s the flat?”
“It’s an area up the path from the house, a short hike away. If you’re rested enough, it should be easy. And the view is amazing—it looks out over the valley. It’s beautiful at sunset. Lucas likes to go up there, take along some toys and play in the rocks.”
“And he told you that’s where he wants to go?”
“Not in words. But in the way Lucas tells me other things he wants me to know.”
“Which is how?”
“Mostly by being observant. I asked him where he’d like to picnic, and he looked up at the flats. It’s in his eyes a lot of the time. You just have to understand what his eyes are saying.”
Eyes so much like Matt’s that Lucas could easily be mistaken for his son. Would their child have those same beautiful eyes? Ellie hoped so. “Well, if you think I’m good to go, and that’s where Lucas wants to go...” She scooted to the side of the bed, ready to stand.
“It’s up to you, Ellie. Only you know how you’re feeling.”
Down in the dumps, emotionally. That was how she was feeling. “I’d like to see the sunset.” And she wanted to spend time with Matt and Lucas, pretend they were a family. If only for a little while.
“Seriously, this is the walk a lot of doctors would prescribe for mild exercise. And if you have any trouble, you’ve got two big, strong men there to help you. Isn’t that right, Lucas?” Matt asked, tousling the boy’s hair.
Lucas looked up at Ellie for a moment, then switched his attention back to Matt. The little boy adored him so much. It was obvious to her, and it had to be obvious to Matt as well. Matt’s decision to have him adopted—was that breaking his heart, because she knew it would break Lucas’s heart once they were separated. And their baby—would she or he, in some unexplainable way, experience the pain of separation the way Lucas would? The way she would?
Suddenly, Ellie didn’t feel so good, and all she wanted to do was go back to bed, pull the covers up over her head and blot out everything. Pretend she wasn’t here. Pretend she wasn’t carrying Matt’s child. Pretend her life was the same as it used to be. Pretend. A nice place to go, but you couldn’t stay there. Not when you were falling in love with your baby, and maybe also falling in love with your baby’s father. There was nothing pretend about that.
“What I need is two big, strong men to lead the way, since I don’t know where I’m going,” she said, sitting up then tying on her hiking boots—boots that Matt had stopped and bought her earlier. Had he done that because he’d planned walks with her, not just this once but afterwards? He’d bought her a nice hiking jacket, too, with big pockets. The thought that he might want her to stay gave her an unexpected jolt. Would she stay if he asked her?
“I think we can manage that,” Matt said, scooping Lucas up into his arms then walking through the door, stopping for a moment to face Ellie. “Are you sure you’re up to this?”
What she wasn’t up to had nothing to do with this walk, and she wasn’t sure she could even define it. Or wanted to. But being so physically close to Matt—well, she’d felt that way before, which was why she was here now. Only this time there was an added bonus. She was getting to know him.
It was probably a good thing her mother had taught her that a competent woman didn’t need a man because in knowing him, even a little, she was beginning to see just how wrong her mother was. Which allayed many of her fears that she was too much like her mother. She wasn’t. Realizing that, she took the deepest breath of relief she’d ever had. She was not her mother. Ellie needed...the things her mother had told her she never would.
“Point me in the right direction, and I’ll beat you there,” she said, feeling like she could explode, she was so relieved. Yet taking care not to brush up against him. Because, even in her condition, she was getting a little goose-bumpy being so close.
“Up the path, then curve to the left. Follow that until you come to the divide and stay left there until you come to the big flat rock. You won’t miss it because it blocks the path and to keep going up, you have to climb over it.”
“But we’re not climbing?” she asked.
“Nope. The rock is our destination. When you get past it the landscape gets too rough for a woman in your condition.”
He laughed, and Ellie almost melted at the deep throatiness of it as she sat down on a little rock to rest for a moment.
Matt stopped at her side, sat down with her, and took her hand. And that’s when her goose-bumps rioted.
“Hell, it gets challenging to me” he continued, “and I’ve got some pretty good experience in rock climbing.”
“Sounds like it could be fun,” she said, trying to ignore the feelings coming over her. Maybe it was the air or another swing of hormones, but she felt...flushed. And in the good kind of way. From excitement or happiness. Or maybe because Matt was holding her hand. “Maybe I’ll try to learn some time.” She hoped to hear him offer to teach her, but he didn’t. Instead, he dropped her hand, sprang up and went dashing off after Lucas, who had decided to toddle his way on up the path ahead of him. “Well, so much for that,” she whispered to her baby, then likewise stood up and toddled on.
“So much for what?” he asked from ahead of her.
“Rest time,” she lied. “We’ve got one very anxious little boy who wants to keep going.”
“Well, he’s not going far because our destination is only about a hundred yards from here.” He stopped and held out his hand to take hers. “Need me to carry you?”
Simply sweeping her up into his arms would have been nicer, like he’d done in his office, but an extended hand was nice, too. So she took it, not sure if he was extending friendship or more. Somehow she wanted more. “Maybe on the way back down,” she said.
* * *
“Were you ever married, Mat
t?” Ellie asked abruptly, midway through the fruit salad he’d prepared.
Her question came out of the blue and nearly choked him. “Why?” he sputtered.
“Just curious, that’s all.”
She’d been quiet for a while. He’d assumed it was because the walk had worn her out. But now he wasn’t sure. “Never really had much interest in it. I did have a short-term thing when I was in medical school, but what we both realized was that I wasn’t committed enough to the relationship, and she wasn’t patient enough to deal with me. It took us about a year to come to that conclusion, and no hearts were broken when we both walked away from it.”
“Did you keep yourself apart from her?” She reached for a stalk of celery to dip in the guacamole. “The way you try to do with, well, everybody.”
“Do I?”
“I haven’t been here that long, but I don’t get the sense that you want to fit in.”
He didn’t, because he wasn’t going to stay. So what was the point? Matt had tried fitting in the first time he’d lived here. Had tried hard. Got ridiculed or ignored. Even by social workers who were too overburdened to see what had really been going on in his family. He and Janice had gone to school. They had been clean. And had been fed—not often by their father, but fed nonetheless.
On paper, it looked fine. In reality it had been horrible. And the worst part—no one had listened. Matt had just been the kid who’d lived in the dump no one bothered with. So shutting them out before they shut him out—it was his habit. Had been as a kid, in many ways it still was. Which was why he liked being a battlefield surgeon. The noise was too loud, the need too great, and no one shut him out.
“In a lot of ways I don’t. Life has never worked out for me except in the military, and that’s the world in which I’m accepted. I’m good there, and I don’t need anything else.” Brave words that he wasn’t sure he believed so much anymore. Especially with these feelings of wanting Ellie to stay. He’d come close to asking. But if she agreed, then what? How could he adjust his life to that, and would it be fair to expect her to adjust?
It was a nice thought, though. But one he couldn’t let out because she was so vulnerable right now and he was afraid he could tip her in a direction she’d regret later.
“Have you ever wanted something different? Or tried to get it?”
“To what end?
“I don’t know. Maybe to see if there’s something bigger and better you’re missing.”
“Have you ever tried?” he asked.
“One night, in Reno,” Ellie said, then turned her attention to the salsa and chips. “That turned into two.”
Matt was dumbstruck. He didn’t know what to say. Because those Reno nights had been his own stepping away from what he had been. “Why all the questions?” Matt finally asked, as he sat down next to Ellie but in a position to keep an eye on Lucas. “I don’t mind telling you about me because there’s not much to tell. But why are you interested?”
“Maybe because we share a baby. Or because I want to get to know the man I let my guard down for. I don’t do what we did, Matt. That’s not me. I don’t need a man in my life, and I’ve done well on my own without one. But, like it or not, for a little while you’re in my life, and I want to know who you are. So far, you haven’t been very forthcoming.”
“Because you still think I should be the one to raise the baby?”
“Well, I guess that’s a subject for debate now that I’m gaining some insight into you. At first, you were my plan. My only plan. But now—let’s just say I’m not going to pressure you about any of this. What you do is your decision, and I have too much respect for you to try and change it.”
“What about your backup plan? You’ve got one now, don’t you?
Ellie shook her head, then smiled. “Normally, my first plan works, so I rarely ever have to resort to a backup plan.
“So why not you as your backup plan? Why don’t you want the responsibility of raising the baby?”
Ellie’s smile disappeared, replaced by a deep scowl. “Because the women in my family don’t do it well. We’re not...maternal. Because I know what I’m good at and—” She felt the baby kick, and was still amazed by the feel of it. The first kick she kept to herself, but on the second kick she reached for Matt’s hand and placed it on her belly.
“Whoever’s in there, kicking, needs better than I’d ever be able to do. I’ve got money, but it’s not money a baby needs. A baby, or even a growing child, needs time and attention. He or she needs to have someone to count on every minute of every day. Someone to guide and protect him. Or her. Someone to be an example. I’ve spent a lifetime thinking I had to turn out to be like my mother, which I know now isn’t the case. But what I also know is I don’t have the broader picture I need to be a good mother. There’s more to it than simply being where you need to be and doing what you need to do. That’s not in me.”
“Are you sure? Because where you need to be is right here, right now. And as far as doing what you need to do, you’re doing everything possible to take care of your pregnancy. To me, that’s perfect mothering.” He left his hand on her belly for a moment, then pulled it back when the kicking stopped. “Are you sure you’re totally set on your decision to give up our baby?”
“Right now, I’m not set on anything. Things are changing. I’m changing. All I know is I don’t want to keep the baby and raise it with surrogates, the way I was raised and the way my mother was raised. A child should have a real home. One with a parent or two parents who put that child first. I can’t do that, Matt. I may have the intellectual skills to see what a baby needs but I don’t have the maternal ones.”
Yet there she sat with her hand on her belly, a very protective gesture. And a very maternal one. “For what it’s worth, Ellie, I think you’re wrong,” he said, taking a bite of the guacamole, and handing a small piece of chicken to Lucas, who gobbled it right down.
“You don’t know me well enough to say that.”
“In surgery, I make snap decisions that deal with life-and-death circumstances, and I’m damned good at it. I made a snap decision about you in Reno, and for what we had there, I was right about it. I’m right now as well. Maybe you don’t see it, but I do.”
“Think what you want, Matt. I can’t stop you. And I probably can’t convince you you’re the one who’s wrong. But the man I spent those two days with in Reno—he seemed like the type who would want to be involved. And that’s why I’m here.”
“I am the type who would want to be involved, and I’m glad you included me in this. But I can’t be involved in the way you think I should be.” He handed another piece of chicken to Lucas, then scooted in closer to roll the toy truck to him. “I don’t belong in Forgeburn anymore. I barely got out of here when I was a kid, and I don’t want to be back. Don’t want to limit myself to what I would have been limited to if I hadn’t gotten out.”
“Then go someplace else. It’s a big, beautiful world out there, and most of it’s not a battlefield.”
“Right now, I can’t go someplace else. I have to stay here because Child Services are trying to find—” He looked at Lucas, then lowered his voice. “A good placement. I can’t mess that up for him.”
“And you don’t consider yourself a good placement?” she asked.
“Not at all. Not for Lucas, not for our baby. You’ve got to understand, Ellie, I have a commitment. I’ve dedicated my life to it and I have no intention of looking for some way out of it. It’s who I am. Nothing about that is going to change.”
“You’re so sure of that?” Ellie asked. She knew he was and maybe, for the first time, she understood what it meant to have that kind of dedication. Sure, she was dedicated to her work. But her work was ever-changing, possibly to suit her restlessness. And she was restless. Always had been. Nothing ever fit.
Nothing had ever seemed right, so she’d quit bein
g a nurse and started being a medical illustrator. Added videography when the restlessness hit again, then photography. Taken on worldwide clients, run to Tokyo for a couple of months, then London for a while. There was always something driving her to do more, be more. But it was never enough. And here was Matt, a man who simply wanted one thing—to get back to his real calling.
It dawned on her that’s what she lacked—a real calling. So how could she be responsible enough to raise a baby when she didn’t even know where she was going?
But how could she expect Matt to give up his calling when he knew where he needed to be in life?
“As sure as you are that your life isn’t going to change.”
The problem was she wasn’t sure. Her life had always been plagued with doubts about how she measured up, and nothing about that had changed. Even now, sitting here with Matt, she knew she didn’t even come close to measuring up to him. He was a man who did great things and aspired to do even more. And she was a woman who aspired to what? A good plan? Living up to what her mother expected? Even the thought of that made her stomach churn. But it couldn’t be denied. While she wasn’t like her mother, the influence was still there, holding on for dear life.
You really don’t want to raise this baby, do you, Eleanor? You’re starting to succeed in life, and a baby won’t fit your plans.
It always got back to that, didn’t it? What would fit into her plans.
You need a plan, Eleanor. Always make sure you have a plan.
But right now she didn’t. “Then we have a big decision to make, don’t we?” she said, feeling crushed.
“Actually, right now we have a lot of food to eat. And I’ve got to finish feeding a toddler who’s going to be asleep before the sun goes all the way down.”
The setting sun. As beautiful as it was this early evening, and it was stunning, all she could see looked dismal. Dismal sun, dismal rocks, dismal everything. And right now the only thing Ellie wanted was to return to the casita, shut her doors and cry because she was desperately confused.
