by Dianne Drake
Matt was so unprepared for this. All of it. Lucas. Ellie. The baby. None of it fit in, yet it seemed to be taking shape right before him, and he didn’t know what to do about it, especially since Lucas was becoming attached to him. Ellie had expectations, too. He knew that, and being around her, knowing what they were, made it tough on him. He cared for her. No denying that. And their baby—his feelings for their child were getting stronger by the minute. At first he had felt distanced from the whole thing. Knew it intellectually, but not so much emotionally.
Yet every time he looked at Ellie, strange new emotions welled up in him. Emotions he didn’t understand. Not for her. Not for their baby. Could it be he wanted something he didn’t yet understand? Something more than what he already had?
Matt shut his eyes for a moment and tried to picture the four of them as a typical family. Surprisingly, the image came together so easily he blinked it away before it could sink in. No, he wasn’t his old man, who couldn’t hack it in that sort of life. That wasn’t his fear. But being responsible for someone else or, in this case, three others wasn’t in his make-up, and he’d proved that with Janice. And that had been such a simple thing. He’d been supposed to get her out of Forgeburn. That’s all there was to it. Get her away from there. But he hadn’t, and while there might have been justified excuses, he didn’t accept them. So how the hell could he take care of three people when he’d already proved he couldn’t take care of one?
Yet the more Matt tried surrounding himself with thoughts of returning to his army life, the only sure thing he’d ever had, the more they eluded him, being replaced by thoughts, even visions of him being needed elsewhere now. But life, for him, wasn’t an easy thing to change. He didn’t do well with detours and diversions because to climb out of the hole where he’d spent his childhood had taken a straightforward progression, no veering off anywhere. And he’d trained himself in that kind of rigid discipline. Had worked hard to achieve it, then lived it every day.
But now this was all about veering off, and it felt like he was so far off he might never get back to where he had been. And there was no straightforward progression here. Not with a toddler who needed more than he could give. And a woman who didn’t know what she needed who was also carrying his baby. So, no, he wasn’t prepared for this. Wasn’t equipped for it either. But he also couldn’t turn his back on any of it because, like it or not, this was all a part of his life. Maybe not life the he’d chosen for himself but definitely the life that was being chosen for him.
So why had he called Doc Granger simply to enquire how much buying out the practice and properties would cost? Was he really thinking in that direction, or had that been a moment of weakness? Truthfully, Matt didn’t know. Didn’t want to think about it either.
“Want more chicken, Lucas?” he called out as the confusion of his life swirled around in his head.
Lucas, who was fully engaged in playing “hands off the teddy bear” with Ellie, looked over at Matt but didn’t reply. Matt took that to mean no, so he sealed the container of food and placed it back in the backpack.
“You want something else, Ellie?” he asked. What he really wanted was to start walking and not stop until he was back where he belonged. Except this was where he belonged right now. Right here, right now, doing exactly what he was doing. Duty-bound in a direction he could have never predicted. But was it really that bad? Or was he making it worse than it seemed because it scared him how easily he slipped into the flow of it?
“I’m good, thank you,” she said, smiling over at him. “But I think Lucas might need a...” she grimaced “...diaper change. Do you have one in the backpack?”
“Sure do. We’re into the pull-up kind these days.”
“Ah, yes. The intermediate stage. So the battlefield surgeon is an expert on toilet training?” she asked, laughing as she took the diaper from him.
He chuckled. “No, but I’m learning. And I can do that,” he went on. “Lucas and I have a system.”
“Oh, I think we can manage. I used to be a nurse, you know.”
“Probably a very good one.”
“I got along.”
And she did quite brilliantly with Lucas. In fact, it was amazing, watching the way he took to Ellie. Normally, he shied away from people. But for the last twenty minutes he’d been playing with her in a way Matt had never seen. And laughing. So far, he’d never coaxed much of a laugh from Lucas, but Ellie had, and he was a little jealous of that. Jealous of a natural ability with children she couldn’t see. Or didn’t want to see.
She needed to keep their baby, he suddenly realized. Until now, he’d believed her when she’d said she wouldn’t make a good mother. But he didn’t anymore and he wondered why, with the amount of maternal instinct she was showing with Lucas, Ellie didn’t want to be a mother to her own child. To their child? What kind of fear did she hide that prevented her from seeing what he was seeing right now? And it did have to be a deep fear because, when Ellie let herself go, she was a natural.
It was his intention to persuade her to keep the baby, but first he needed to discover more about why she didn’t want that. Maybe, after that, help her overcome it, or simply see in herself what he was seeing. “But you said it wasn’t enough.”
“Nothing ever has been. I have some pretty high standards to compete with, and it seems like every time I’m about to get there, the bar rises on me a little bit more.”
“Why?” he asked.
“That’s the way the women in my family are. Always upward.”
“But what happens if you get to the place where you’re happy and contented and don’t want to leave?”
“That’s just it. You never do. There’s always something more. Something else to achieve. Ask my mother. Ask my grandmother. They’ll both tell you that contentment is the same thing as laziness.”
“But do you believe that?”
“What I believe is that I’m doing what I was born to do.”
This was interesting. And insightful. No matter how good she was, where she was, it wasn’t good enough. He did understand what it felt like not being good enough, but not like this. Or maybe it was all the same, just in a different version. “As in running this company you own? That’s what you were born to do? Or is that just another stop-over until you find the next real thing?”
“You may think you’re being clever, but you’re not. I love what I do. But I could do more. Expand operations. Open more divisions. Go after bigger clients. Do something more in the technology line. There are a lot of opportunities out there, and I have to decide which ones are right for me because, yes, it’s all about the next real thing.”
“Is that your wish, Ellie? Or are you trying to live up to those other women in your family? You know, always upward?”
She hesitated to answer him, and Matt wished he could see the expression on her face, but it was too dark now and all he could see was her silhouette. A beautiful silhouette caught in the shadows. One he wanted to pull into his arms and simply hold because she seemed so vulnerable right now. No, she wasn’t the staunch businesswoman at this moment. She was simply Ellie, and from the slump of her shoulders he could see a different person altogether. One who didn’t have her plan to hide behind. One who was unsure.
“I suppose that is me,” she finally said, after a long, deep sigh. “You know, like they say: the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”
“But what happens if you do?” he asked. “What happens if you see a better tree?”
“I did once, a long time ago. But I wasn’t prepared to stay there because all I knew was what it had taught me. Unfortunately, life hadn’t taught me to be independent somewhere else. In fact, all life had taught me was to grow where I was planted, so ultimately that’s what I did. I didn’t have experience outside of being who I was taught to be. And I was so carefully taught, I couldn’t see past any of that.
; “That’s why I left nursing. It was my one attempt to find that better tree, but I didn’t have the confidence I needed to stay there. I loved what I was doing, but I was also afraid of it, afraid of the mistakes I could make. There’s no place in obstetric nursing for that kind of fear, so I went back to where my only true confidence was—the world my mother had prepared me for.
“I know my weaknesses, Matt, and I also know my strengths. For me, I find safety in my strengths, so I stay where I’m safe—as a woman who runs a growing business and knows her place there. No uncertainties, no lack of confidence. Anyway, I’m getting tired. Do you mind if we go back to the house?”
Sighing, Matt leaned back against a boulder and focused his attention on the valley below. It was too dark to see all the way to the bottom now. Kind of like his life. Too dark to see all the way to a resolution. But if he stayed here all night, morning light would bring a different view of the valley. A total view. One with new and different possibilities. If only he could share that with Ellie then maybe she, too, could see different possibilities for herself as well. And not just with the baby but with her whole life. To have so much, but to feel so small in its midst—he ached for her.
* * *
“It was a nice day,” Ellie said, standing in the doorway of Lucas’s bedroom while Matt put the boy to bed. “Different from what I normally do, and I enjoyed it. Thank you.”
“You’re not too tired or feeling any kind of...problem, are you?”
She smiled as he pulled the blanket up over Lucas and gave the sleeping boy a kiss on the forehead. “Spoken like a typical man. All your medical training aside, pregnancy is a normal condition. It has its rough patches since the body is constantly changing, but it’s been happening since the beginning of time. I’m tired, which is to be expected, but other than that there’s nothing to worry about.” She watched him tuck Lucas’s toys into the closet then take one last look at the child before he headed for the door.
Stepping aside to let Matt pass by, Ellie looked up at him as he pressed her back into the doorframe, then stopped and stood there, looking down at her. Was he going to kiss her? She wanted him to. Wanted to feel the tenderness he’d shown her in Reno, but instead of a kiss he simply brushed his hand across her cheek. It caused her breath to catch, though. And her pulse to quicken. All too soon he stepped out of the doorway and cleared his throat. “I think I’m going to turn in early tonight,” he said, as he headed down the stairs. “Is there anything I can get you before I lock up?”
It was a dismissal. She knew that, knew the sting of a slap when it hit her. “No, I’m fine. Do you mind if I use your desk for a little while? I’ve got my laptop and I thought maybe I could catch up on some work.” Her safety net. It protected her from everything, including the hurt feelings that were welling up in her for absolutely no reason. Because there was no reason to expect Matt would be comfortable with anything other than what they were—a two-night stand with consequences. Intimacy in any form simply wasn’t on the table now, and he’d been making that clear since she’d arrived. Of course, she’d been doing the same, while hoping for something different, hadn’t she? Why kid herself when romance had never been a part of their relationship?
Was it the hormonal thing again? Or was she developing different feelings for Matt? She wanted it to be the hormones, but she wasn’t convinced. Being away from the old her, even for this short amount of time, was causing something to stir inside her. Something she’d put off, or never admitted that she wanted. In her other life, why bother? It was all cut and dried. But here, in this one—well, she didn’t know. She just didn’t know.
“Sure. Whatever you need. Internet connection is spotty, but it usually works. So help yourself.”
Ellie watched Matt lock the front door then skirt her, taking care to stay as far away from her as possible as he crossed back through to check the patio door. “Fine. I’ll just go get...” She took two steps backwards then turned and retreated down the hall to the casita, without looking back or saying another word. What was there to say after all? That she might be falling a little in love with him? That maybe the desires she’d always kept locked away weren’t as locked tight as she’d thought?
She’d never had romance in her life—not until Reno. And Matt had romanced her. Treated her the way no one else ever had. Champagne, candlelight, soft music... Considering her first in everything they’d done. So, was that what she wanted? More romance from the only man who’d ever romanced her? Or did she want even more?
Instead of gathering up her laptop to work, Ellie took a quick shower and did what everybody else in the house was doing. She went to bed and hoped for fast, deep sleep. Because she didn’t want to think about Matt. And being awake, that’s all she could think about. Not in the practical ways she’d taught herself to do, however. But in ways that made her want Reno back.
* * *
“I sent it off with the local helicopter pilot so now we wait.” Matt was referring to the tests to determine Ellie’s relaxin levels. So far, she hadn’t seemed anxious to leave Forgeburn, so he wasn’t pressing her to do that, or anything else. They’d spent the early part of the morning simply coexisting. Not speaking much but getting along. She’d spent a good portion of her time online, working on her business while he’d got Lucas ready for the day.
Last night he’d wanted to kiss her, and he’d thought she might be receptive. At least, to him it had seemed that way. But what would that start? Another direction he couldn’t go? Damn, what was he doing, letting himself get so tempted, knowing that even if he did step over the line, he could only take that single step and no more.
Was that fair to Ellie? Or even to himself? No. It wasn’t. He was obligated to a life that had no place for domesticity or romance, and even thinking he could mix those with something else was risky because his focus had always been singular. So how could he get involved with Ellie and offer her something he didn’t have to offer?
So many consequences from one little kiss that hadn’t happened. But consequences be damned. Matt wished he’d gone ahead and done it anyway. Well, he hadn’t, and there was really no reason to speculate about what might have happened. He’d had his chance, hadn’t taken it and the rest was an empty point.
Matt wasn’t like his old man, who’d shirked every responsibility life had given him. He knew that. But he’d gone to the opposite extreme, there really wasn’t any give in him. It was black, or it was white. There was nothing in between because in the in between that’s where he found his doubts and fears, and the terrifying nightmare that one bad move and he’d end up right back here, not as the doctor but as the kid who lived in the dump. It terrified him, thinking how easy it could be to take that one wrong step.
It terrified him even more thinking that Ellie could be dragged into all that with him. Some might look at her as his way out, but he would never use her that way. And while she could offer him a part of life he’d never had, he could do the same. Only what she would offer would be good for him and what he’d offer would be bad for her. Which was why Matt kept to the straight and narrow.
Ellie deserved better, so did Lucas, the baby certainly deserved better than the mire he’d never quite escaped. Even with glimpses of what he could have if he took that one step off the path, it wasn’t enough to budge him. Not for his sake and especially not for theirs.
Yet, in the distance, he could still see a different life. Unfortunately, he was so stuck where he was, Matt didn’t know how to reach out and grab it. A simple kiss might have been the start. Or it might have been the stumble that started him on the descent. Which was why he hadn’t kissed her. He had been afraid where it would take him. And, most of all, take Ellie.
“I appreciate that,” Ellie said, without diverting her attention from her computer screen. “I’d feel better knowing what I’m dealing with before I make that long trip back. That is, if you don’t mind my staying for an e
xtra couple of days.” She looked up at him for an answer but her face was impassive. No expression. “Or I could stay in that hotel down the road. That was always my first option.”
“The casita is fine,” Matt said, picking up his medical bag. “Look, I’ve got some patients coming into the office in a while. I’m also going to keep Lucas with me this morning because the social worker has some prospective parents, and they’re going to stop in for a few minutes. If you’d like to come with us, you’re welcome. I have better connectivity at the office than I do here, so you might have an easier time working there.”
She looked up, her face almost registering alarm. “They might want to adopt him?”
“That’s always been the plan.”
“But I thought...”
“What, Ellie? That this little slice of domesticity we’re living might rub off?”
“Maybe—I don’t know. Hearing you talk about it then seeing it actually happen—I guess I wasn’t prepared for that.”
Matt shook his head. “Sometimes reality bites, but my reality is a battlefield hospital full of casualties that need to be fixed. You’ve always known that.”
“Just make sure you don’t turn yourself into a casualty as well,” Ellie said. “And I don’t mean battlefield.”
Then, just like that, she turned him off and launched into an internet conversation with a colleague.
Matt took his cue, held out his hand for Lucas, who grabbed it, and headed out the door. By the time the two of them reached the truck, Matt was kicking himself for not trying harder to get her to go with him. He didn’t like leaving Ellie alone, even when she insisted she was fine. Maybe it was an overprotective reaction to her pregnancy, maybe it was about some different feelings for her stirring up in him.
Whatever the case, she’d made her choice, and he had to get over the idea that he was responsible for her. He wasn’t, and she’d made it perfectly clear that’s the way she intended to keep it. So, had her grumpiness this morning just been a by-product of anxiety over missing work? Something to do with her pregnancy? Or the kiss that had never happened? Had she wanted it badly enough she was still brooding over it?
