Deciding that my contemplation wouldn’t change things anyway, I grabbed my purse and exited the car. The weather had turned again; the weekend’s snowfall had melted quickly in the almost balmy for January temperatures. Even in my skirt the walk across the lot wasn’t unbearable.
What waited inside for me was a different story.
Ever since Blake had redecorated my office for Christmas, I had begun shutting my door each night when I left. It just had felt like the right thing to do, even though I knew that the cleaning crew had access to it. A closed door wouldn’t deter anything – not that I expected anything to happen, anyway.
On Friday when I had been at work, I hadn’t really even noticed my surroundings. I had been so numb with Matthew’s rejection, so sleep deprived that I didn’t care. So worried about getting through the day so that I could put the final rung of my plan in place that I couldn’t stop to think. Now that everything was done, I had nothing but time on my hands.
My hand trembled as I placed it on the doorknob and prepared to enter. How was I going to work in there knowing that both Blake and Matthew had spent hours on Christmas Eve inside that space, making it into what it was now? How was I going to look at any of the furnishings or the artwork and not think of them?
“Good morning,” George boomed from behind me, causing me to jump.
Embarrassed, I giggled. “Good morning. Guess I’m a little flighty today.”
With more bravado than I felt, I pushed the door open and flipped on the light. George followed me inside for our daily powwow, never the wiser that I was slowly melting inside. I crossed the room with deliberate steps, pulling out my chair and sitting down as gracefully as possible. Inside, I was still shaking. I tried to compose myself as I bent down to place my purse inside the bottom desk drawer.
When I sat back up, I saw it. The picture Gracie had taken of myself, Matthew and Blake at Thanksgiving. We were practically beaming, the textbook example of happiness. I had sworn on Friday that I had laid it on my desktop facedown. Now it was staring conspicuously at me, reminding me of all I’d lost.
Damn cleaning people.
As discreetly as possible, I plucked it off the desk, shoving it into a drawer.
“Coffee’s already brewed,” he said, motioning to his cup. “I’ll wait here.”
I smiled as convincingly as possible, then excused myself to get my own. The whole trip to and back from the kitchen, I psyched myself up. I could do this, I could get through this. Everything had gone according to plan so far, and I had only been kidding myself if I had thought it would be easy. One foot in front of the other; baby steps.
“Good weekend?” he asked as I entered my office.
I had just taken a sip of coffee to calm my nerves and barely kept from choking.
“Busy,” I hedged, recovering. “Just got back from Indianapolis early yesterday afternoon.”
He nodded, obviously assuming that the visit had been enjoyable. “So how’s Eric?”
I set my elbows on the desktop, placing my palms together like a church steeple. “Single.”
George raised an eyebrow, digesting the news. He reached over and set his mug on his side of my desk, appraising me silently. “You okay?”
I nodded. “I will be.”
I hadn’t told my boss about the proposal, so for all intents and purposes this was just another breakup. He took it at face value, and I wasn’t about to dive into explanations.
“George, can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Can I have one of my staff underwrite a mortgage for me? Quickly? I know I can’t do it myself, but I wanted to make sure you were good with it.”
This seemed to shock him more than the news about my failed relationship. “Sure. I would fill out everything and give it to Bob for processing. I’ll have to sign off on it, but there’s no problem there. We’ll keep everything confidential.”
“I wasn’t worried about that part. But thanks.”
“Can I ask why? I thought you liked renting over at Blake’s.”
I snorted. “I did, but things got complicated and I needed to move out. So I did. And living in a hotel’s damn expensive so I need to find something like yesterday.”
“Well, fill out your app and get it over to him this morning. I’ll have a talk with him when he comes in and we’ll make it his priority today. Sound good?”
“As good as it can.”
“Got any ideas on what you’re looking for? We’ve got a couple foreclosures that we’d like to unload.”
I shook my head. “I’m not the handy type. And I don’t have anyone here to fix things or help me out. I need something move in ready.”
And Matthew’s house had been a foreclosure. As beautiful as it was now, I knew well the story of how Blake had basically gutted it and made it into a showpiece, room by room. I didn’t have her talent or her ex-boyfriend available to secretly help me. And I sure didn’t need the irony attached. I was wanting to forget her brother, not follow in his footsteps.
“Fair enough. Any particular neighborhoods?”
I shrugged. “Somewhere close to work. But far enough away to make a clean start.”
He smiled softly. Then he stood up, signaling that he wasn’t about to pry. “If you ever want to talk about it, you know where I am.”
“Thanks,” I said simply.
I watched as he retreated back to his own considerably less decorated office. I appreciated him putting the option out there, though I wasn’t really fond of sharing the drama of my life with the man responsible for signing my paychecks, even if he had become my local father figure. Truth be told, I hadn’t yet shared the news with my own dad. That was one conversation I wasn’t looking forward to having.
I booted up my computer, staring blankly at the screen as it came to life. It was the oldest thing in here, and its age showed in its performance. I was sure I was on some sort of list for a new one at some point in time, but I wasn’t holding my breath. Banks were notoriously slow for technology upgrades, especially where the back office portions were concerned. I was almost positive that our corporate headquarters downtown had the latest and greatest displayed to fool the customers. Here in the operations center we rarely had guests, so the need to impress was considerably diminished. My office was definitely the exception, and it had been a gift.
To pass the time as I waited, I opened my desk drawer and fished my cell out of my purse. As I expected, Gracie had already texted me. I responded to her inquiry – a quick “U OK?” presumably sent as she rushed out the door to her own job. I knew that without a timely response she would be calling in the cavalry to come check on me.
I really couldn’t blame her, not with the way I’d acted all weekend. Lauren, the girl who got angry instead of sad, crying pitifully on her sofa as I swallowed massive amounts of alcohol. Saturday had been a blur after hitting my head and Eric’s visit. I was positive that the hangover had done nothing to help matters. I hadn’t planned on spending another night on her couch, but had relented when I realized how badly I felt. She wouldn’t have let me leave anyway.
Sunday morning I had gotten up feeling halfway normal and had done my best to convince her that I would be okay. Originally she had wanted to make the trip back to Fort Wayne with me, but I had refused. The practical side of me knew we both had to be to work in the morning, and I didn’t want her to spend four hours in her car round trip just to see me home. And despite the fact that I currently didn’t have an address here – or anywhere for that matter – Fort Wayne was my home.
So she had followed me downstairs to her carport and reluctantly waved goodbye as I had pulled my Sonata out of the lot. The worry was evident upon her face, and she had called or texted at regular intervals ever since. It kind of made me feel as though I was on suicide watch. I supposed that was with good reason. I didn’t see myself as the type who would ever do that, but who did? It wasn’t something that you thought about when times were good.
/> When I got back to town, I had busied myself making arrangements. The first course of action had been to find a place to stay. There were several hotels right off of the interstate and convenient to work, some of them of the extended stay variety. I had swallowed my pride and gone into one of them, booking a room for an entire month. As the gentleman behind the counter processed my credit card I caught him glancing at me, trying to figure out my story. I certainly didn’t appear to be one of their usual clientele, not with my unkempt appearance and red-rimmed eyes. He kept whatever theory he had devised about my background to himself once the payment was approved and handed me a room key with his trained, plastic smile.
After unloading some items from my car into my temporary home, I drove to the nearest storage facility and rented a small unit to store the rest of my possessions. There really wasn’t much there; renting meant that I didn’t own any real furniture and I had left behind most of my kitchen stuff at Blake’s anyway. But I didn’t feel comfortable stashing all of my things in my hotel room, and though driving around with the remainder of my stuff would be a cheaper option, I had already endured one comment from Gracie about hoarding.
On the way back to the hotel, I had picked up the Sunday newspaper, intent on combing through the classifieds. The easiest course of action would have been to rent a place at one of the apartment complexes that I had considered when I first moved here, but I had dismissed that fairly quickly. I had gotten spoiled living with Blake, having a house pretty much to myself. I didn’t want to go back to having neighbors keeping me up at night with loud music or yelling through paper thin walls. I doubted that I could go back to being an apartment dweller.
I told myself that Eric had nothing to do with me warming up to the idea of signing away a sizable chunk of my income on homeownership. The last few weeks prior to our demise, he had been all about emailing me contact information for realtors and online listings for homes throughout the Northeast Indiana region. My inner real estate junkie had eaten it up, even as I knew the circumstances were wrong. He had been opposed to living in Fort Wayne and rightfully so – I couldn’t blame him since he worked in Indianapolis. That was way too far of a daily commute, and if I hadn’t considered doing it when I got my promotion, I couldn’t expect him to.
If I had been secure in our relationship, I wouldn’t have questioned the decision to split the difference and move somewhere in between, somewhere mutually inconvenient for the both of us. The real reason I hadn’t wanted to move was now painfully clear: I just wasn’t in love with him anymore.
Now that the house hunt was on my own terms and in my own backyard, I was slightly reenergized. If I could immerse myself in the good aspects of my situation, I could push down the ache in my chest that came from me thinking about the real reason I didn’t love Eric anymore.
I loved Matthew. That was why.
“Dammit,” I muttered, biting my lip. I was going to have to be able to get through the day without thinking about him. I couldn’t forget him if he was always in my thoughts, if every action somehow circled back to him in the end.
My computer had become fully functional during my reverie, and I was thankful for the distraction that my job provided. I logged into my application software and began entering my own information as the borrower. My fingers flew over the keys, my familiarity with the program making this a quick task. When complete, I saved my work and hit the print button. As the forms spilled out of the printer to my left, I gathered my W2s from my bag. I had just put all of the paperwork into a plain manila folder when George appeared at my door, Bob Patterson in tow.
“Morning,” I said as cheerily as possible.
Bob looked slightly concerned as they entered the office, George closing the door behind him. That was sure to turn heads. In my short tenure as manager, I hadn’t been known for closed door meetings. The only time I shut my door was when I was in the midst of having an emotional breakdown and didn’t want to be bothered. So either way you looked at it, today’s events would be sure to hit the rumor mill.
George took control of the situation, intent on putting Bob’s mind at ease as soon as possible. Seconds after they both settled into the plush chairs that sat across from me, he launched into the purpose of our impromptu meeting. After the first few sentences, Bob relaxed visibly. I caught his eye and smiled apologetically, feeling more than a little guilty that he had been so nervous.
“So,” George concluded, “I’m sure you understand the urgency of the situation and the degree of confidentiality involved.”
Bob nodded appropriately as I handed him the folder. I had to admit that George was taking things a little overboard. I was positive that Bob would have treated my application with the utmost professionalism even if I had just unceremoniously deposited it on his desk with no further discussion. But I was grateful for the support from my boss; I realized this was his attempt to show me that I had at least one ally here. Pleased with his display of camaraderie, George rose from his chair and exited.
“I’m sorry,” I told Bob.
He laughed easily. “No worries.”
“I’m sure that’s just how you wanted to start a Monday morning – being called to the principal’s office.”
“Nothing like making you feel thirteen again,” he admitted with a smile.
“Thanks for doing this for me.”
“You’re welcome. And good luck with the house hunt, too.”
“Thank you.”
He paused in my doorway and spun around, looking like he wanted to say more. I looked over at him, prompting him with my eyes to continue. I could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he debated whether or not to share what was on his mind. With a shake of his head, he motioned to the door.
“Open or closed?”
I sighed heavily. “Closed, please.”
He smiled sadly and then fulfilled my request, latching the door behind him and leaving me alone in my self-imposed fortress with all of my thoughts.
Chapter Eight
I wouldn't say that things got easier for me in the weeks that passed, but even I had to admit that my problems were insignificant in the grand scheme of life. No matter what darkness I held in my heart, the sun continued to rise and set and life moved on without me. I was determined not to let it leave me behind. So I dried my tears and did my best to function no matter how numb I felt inside.
Work was a godsend. Though I had been super dedicated before, now I had increased that tenfold. A convenient influx of mortgage applications permitted me to work even more hours without raising too many eyebrows. I was thankful for the upswing in business; I’d much rather sit in front of my computer analyzing debt to income ratios instead of lounging in my hotel room contemplating my sorry state of affairs on the personal front. I now met George in the parking lot upon arrival, and he waited for me to finally tire of my labor at the end of the day so we could walk out together. I knew he was watching me from afar, worried, and though it made me sad I couldn’t do anything to stop it.
Gracie’s phone calls and texts came less frequently now, though we were still in daily contact. Instead of interaction every hour on the hour, we now had marathon phone sessions after I had succumbed to mental exhaustion and retreated to the hotel, my tail between my legs. As far as I knew, she had held true to her word and not contacted either Blake or Matthew. Most of the time she didn’t even bring them up, like they had ceased to exist. I knew her opinions on the matter and we agreed to disagree. But her silent acceptance of my feelings, however illogical they might be, meant the world to me.
Most of the time we discussed the house hunt, which was moving at a snail’s pace. My mortgage approval had been almost instantaneous and was just pending a physical address. I had looked at house after house, finding fault with all of them. I didn’t want to settle just to meet my self-imposed deadline. I had reluctantly reserved the hotel room for another month, cringing at the thought of how much this whole ordeal was costing me.
I was glad I was financially stable, but I seriously wished I hadn’t bought a brand new car and put such a large down payment on it. If I would have known what would have been coming a few short weeks after that purchase, I would have sunk the money into my old Accord and just repaired it. It made me feel slightly better knowing that I had something more reliable, but didn’t totally wipe away the buyer’s remorse.
Blake hadn’t yet cashed the check I had left on her counter. Therefore, my bank balance was officially several thousand dollars more than I showed, though I wasn’t about to add it back in. I wondered if this was an oversight on her part or if she was trying to send me a message. Whatever the case, I didn’t like to owe anyone money. So before I left, I had bought out the rest of my lease plus added quite a bit of additional funds to help pay for the redecoration of my office.
I admittedly lived in fear that I would run into one or both of them around town. As much bravado as I had given Gracie about being able to disappear in a city of a quarter million people, I knew I was living dangerously close to them. The commute between work and the hotel was short and I rarely went anywhere else but residential neighborhoods to look for a place to live, but I still looked out of the corner of my eye for the familiar Miata or Camry when I drove. I wasn’t sure what I would do if I did happen upon them and didn’t want to find out. Still, I was more than a little disappointed that my phone had remained silent and that there had been no attempts to contact me since the Friday morning I had left.
My plan had worked to a tee, and it made me more depressed than ever. I had vanished, completely forgotten. Even though I had sworn to myself that this was what I wanted, I couldn’t help but feel hurt.
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