“And probably hates me for it.”
“If she hates anyone for it, it should be me. My version of events wasn’t self-serving by any means.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I didn’t have to do a lot of things. I should have done things I didn’t. I can’t change what happened now.”
I had the feeling that he wasn’t talking entirely about our situation. The shame he held at his past had never been far from the surface. I wished I could reach across the table to comfort him, but we hadn’t made enough progress for me to consider that an acceptable reaction.
The waitress came past and dropped off our bill. She turned to go, but Matthew told her we were ready to leave. He reached into his pocket for his wallet at the same time as I grabbed my purse. He shook his head at me and I set my bag back down. He was paying. He took some money from his wallet, set it inside the folder and handed it back to her, telling her to keep the change.
My heart sunk as he rose from the table and I followed suit. However unsettling this time together had been, I didn’t want it to be over already. A quick check of my cell as we made our way out to the parking lot confirmed that we had only spent about an hour with one another. It wasn’t enough.
Maybe we needed to work in stages. Get to the point where the awkwardness could disappear and we could just be friends again. But this hadn’t resolved matters. If anything, it had left me with more questions than I’d started with. As we drove back to my house, I decided I wasn’t going to give up so easily.
He might have had the same idea, for when he pulled into my driveway he parked the car and kept it running, but didn’t make any move to help me out. I knew him well enough to realize that even if something I said had made him mad, he wouldn’t refuse to open the door for me. I sat rooted in the passenger seat, waiting. We both stared at each other, attempting to have some kind of telepathic conversation and failing miserably.
“Do you want to come in?” I asked eventually.
He responded by putting the convertible top up and shutting off the car. As he did so, I climbed out of the car on my own accord. I was halfway up the sidewalk to the front door before he got out, but he caught up with me quickly. My hands trembled so badly while I fished my keys out of my purse that I dropped them on the concrete instead of unlocking the door with them. He bent down and grabbed them, then used them to open the door for me. Once inside the house, he pulled them out of the deadbolt and handed them back over.
It was surreal having him here. This was the place that had come to be because I needed to get away from the memories of him. They had followed me here regardless, and now he was here in the flesh anyway. Whatever happened next would be indelibly etched into my mind, unable to be separated from the surroundings. No matter how badly this conversation went, I couldn’t walk away from a mortgage. Well, I could but that would be incredibly stupid given my career.
The first thing that I did was go straight into the kitchen to put the iris in some water. Ironically enough with all of the flowers that Eric had sent me, I didn’t have a proper vase to put it in. I opted instead for a tall drinking glass, shrugging as I placed it on the kitchen counter. Matthew hovered in the doorway, watching me intently.
I really wasn’t a good hostess; I should have offered him something to drink, or told him to take a seat and make himself comfortable, anything really. But my tongue was tied. I apologized in my head and went back into the living room.
I kicked off my shoes and headed for the couch. He did the same, sitting close enough to me that I could feel the warmth radiating off of him, smell the soap that he used. We said nothing for a moment, both collecting our thoughts.
“When did you break up with him?” Matthew asked suddenly.
I jumped, his words shocking me. Of course I knew he wasn’t stupid, that he had figured it out. After all, I wasn’t wearing an engagement ring and I still lived in Fort Wayne. He knew just as well as I did that Eric would never let me turn down his proposal and buy a house here and still be in a relationship with him. But his bluntness at addressing the elephant in the room was unanticipated.
“That Friday night. The day I moved out. I drove down there after work and told him that I couldn’t marry him.”
“And you knew you were going to do that when you talked to my sister that morning and told her where you were going?”
I looked down at my hands, unable to face him. “I already knew when I left your house the night before. That I couldn’t accept his proposal. I didn’t know what I was going to do about it then, but I figured that part out as I drove around aimlessly.”
“So why did you make her think that you were going to go through with it?”
“I didn’t make her think anything. She jumped to that conclusion all by herself. I didn’t stop her from thinking that, I guess, but it was all her. I just told her that I was going to Indianapolis after work.”
“And she played right into your little game. What was she supposed to think? You moved out on her in the middle of the night. She thought Eric put you up to it. Because of what happened at my place.”
“It was because of what happened at your place, but Eric had nothing to do with it. I was ashamed of what I had done. I misinterpreted things between us. I tried to create something that wasn’t ever there and you made that clear. I knew that I couldn’t come between you and your sister. I couldn’t face her and tell her that I made a move on her brother but he wasn’t interested, so let’s just move on, okay? So I ran. It was stupid and childish of me, but I did it anyway.”
“Wait. I never told you that I wasn’t interested, Lauren.”
“Yes, you did. You told me that we couldn’t do that. That it was stupid. And various other things that I forgot to comprehend because I was freaking out.”
“I told you that we couldn’t do that to Eric. I knew you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you cheated on him. I never said I didn’t want you.”
“You rejected me. What was I supposed to think?”
“You sure as hell weren’t supposed to pack up your stuff in the middle of the night and disappear. I expected you to be mad. I knew you were mad. But I thought that things would blow over and you’d see that I was right and I did it for you. I didn’t want you to break up with Eric because you had slept with me. I wanted you to break up with Eric because it was the right decision, not because I pushed your hand.”
“You could have told me that.”
“I tried.”
“You texted me ‘Are you okay?’”
“And you didn’t answer me.”
“What was I supposed to say? The appropriate answer to that question is always yes. No one who ever asks that really wants to hear the truth. I couldn’t tell you no.”
“Yes, you could have.”
“And then what?”
“And then we could have talked. We could have decided how to handle all of this.”
“I came over to your house to try to talk things through.”
“You came over to my house on a fishing expedition and you know it. I get that you were conflicted. But there was a part of me that wasn’t convinced that you really wanted me. Maybe you were just afraid of being alone. I wasn’t going to be your rebound guy. Depending on my answers would you have stayed with him?”
“Obviously not. Because you rejected me and I still broke up with him. Guess I’m not that afraid of being alone.”
He winced at my last comment and I immediately felt bad. I had gotten a little too carried away during our rapid fire discussion, and the words came out harsher than I’d intended. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down.
“I’m sorry,” I said finally.
“Me, too,” he admitted.
“This wasn’t how I wanted things to end up between us. I ruined our friendship by falling in love with you. I wanted you to chase after me and tell me how much you loved me. I wanted you to be waiting for me in the p
arking lot that night after work, begging me not to go. I wanted you to follow me down to Indianapolis and stop me from doing whatever you thought I was going to do there. I wanted to have that fairy tale ending. But you never came and I’ve been miserable.”
“Oh, Lauren,” he sighed. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his warmth. I relaxed instantly as I rested my head against his chest. His touch felt so familiar, so welcoming that it was almost like we hadn’t spent any time apart. “I’ve loved you ever since the day we met.”
My breath caught in my lungs. Even though he had expressed those feelings before, at least on paper, it was the last thing I’d expected him to say now. I knew as well as anyone that saying you loved someone wasn’t the same thing as being in love with them. For him to say it again after I’d stated my meaning rather explicitly was more than I’d bargained for. I lifted my head and stared up at him in disbelief. He met my eyes without hesitation this time.
“Really?”
He smirked slightly. I understood; the word was truly inadequate for the emotions that were swirling around in my head.
“Really,” he confirmed.
We sat in silence, him running his fingers through my hair as we both digested what had just happened. I closed my eyes and leaned against him, relishing his closeness. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I wasn’t having a spectacularly vivid dream but I refrained. I was pretty sure he was really here.
“So why didn’t you come after me?” I asked once my curiosity had won out. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Because you weren’t mine. Because Eric was giving you everything you had asked for. Because the safe choice, the logical thing to do, would have been to accept his proposal. And I thought you had. I didn’t need to look for you; I thought I knew exactly where you were. And I just wanted you to be happy; even if it was with him.”
“Well, Gracie will be happy to know that she was right all along. She never gave up on you. I think she’s like the founding member of your fan club. So, why now? What’s so special about today that you decided to show up?”
“Because you apparently have a problem with observing speed limits.”
I looked up at him once more, my face turning red. “You know about that?”
“Maybe I brought it out in you. But it’s probably not a good idea to pretend you’re driving a race car that close to town. At least not without a radar detector.”
“I was running late. I had to babysit for the neighbors across the street, and I got held up at work.”
“So you babysit now?”
“Don’t change the subject. How did you find out? Do you know that cop? Because if you do, he was giving me cryptic messages that are beginning to make sense now.”
“I wouldn’t say I know him, but Chris does. I’ve met him once or twice, but that’s it. He and Chris have the whole public service camaraderie thing going on. And I’m positive that your name has come up in conversation before because you’re the one who paid for him to go to the Red Wings game. I gave my tickets to Chris and that’s who went with him.”
He sounded almost ashamed to tell me that he hadn’t personally used my birthday present.
“I already knew you didn’t go to the game,” I admitted.
He raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Yeah. I know that you were over at Blake’s instead. Because I was there that night, too. Gracie and I sat in her car outside Blake’s house and she tried to convince me to talk to you, but I wouldn’t. I was too chicken and it was too soon. The pain was still too fresh.”
“No kidding. I was probably inside at that point curled up in a ball on the couch.”
His words were so matter of fact that it almost absolved me of all guilt, but not quite. For months I had been convinced that Matthew had gone about life without me like it was no big deal. Like I hadn’t factored into his thoughts since the moment I’d slammed the door in his face and run out on him. It was easier to think that than to imagine that he really, truly cared.
“So this random guy that Chris knows just so happened to pull me over?”
“This place might be big, but it’s no Indy. Someday you were going to run into someone who was going to call your bluff. And you, tempting fate like you did, makes it seem like you kind of wanted to get caught. He recognized your name and told Chris that he saw you. Chris did a little questioning of his own and found out that the address on your driver’s license was local but wasn’t Blake’s, that your last name was still your maiden name and that you weren’t wearing an engagement ring. Then he called me. Somewhat reluctantly, since he doesn’t hold you in the same esteem as Gracie does me. But he told me just the same.”
“And now you’re here.”
“Yep. Now I’m here. I just had to see for myself that you were doing okay. Chris tried to talk me out of it but I wouldn’t listen to him. He could tell what I was thinking; he didn’t want to see me get hurt even more than I already was. We both knew that there was a very real possibility that today could end badly.”
“Did it? End badly?”
“I don’t think it’s ended yet,” he hedged.
I snorted. “Guess I’ve still got time to crush your hopes and dreams. Seems that’s the only thing I’ve been good at doing lately.”
“I think the responsibility for the dream crushing is pretty even.”
“According to you, Chris would beg to differ. I’m like public enemy number one and I can’t say that I disagree. Even Gracie and my dad defended you. They believed in you when I didn’t.”
“At least someone did.”
I bit my lip almost hard enough to draw blood. His words stung, however true they were. I hadn’t believed in him. I had automatically assumed the worst, written him off. I was no better than Eric in that regard. Maybe the smoke and mirrors analogy in my dreams had come from my own subconscious and hadn’t been an interpretation of what I thought my ex would have said.
I shrugged away from his touch, freeing my shoulders from his arm. A lump immediately formed in my throat at the absence of his nearness, but I pushed it away even as the tears threatened to cloud my vision. He didn’t fight me. Instead he eyed me as I moved to the end of the couch. Not pleased with that position, I stood.
“Lauren, I didn’t mean you,” he said to my back as I paced the length of my living room. “I meant me. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not exactly the most self-assured person anymore. All I wanted to do was chase after you that night, but I couldn’t.”
“Why?”
The word came out in a choked sob. I spun around and about came unglued. Matthew was standing right beside me, not sitting on the couch as I had expected. If he noticed that I jumped a country mile, he didn’t mention it.
“Because I told myself that I didn’t deserve you. That I never would.”
“You don’t get to decide that.”
He ignored my comment and continued. “That you were right to walk out on me. It’s a response that’s quite common; I should be used to it by now.”
“Stop it,” I whispered.
He shook his head. “Eric was right the whole time. I never wanted to be just friends, Lauren. And really, I shouldn’t have let it get to that point. I knew it was wrong. Maybe it started because I knew you were unattainable. But the longer we knew each other, the more I fell for you. I just kept deceiving you, pretending that it didn’t kill me inside when you picked him over me.”
“But I didn’t.”
“You could have fooled me.”
“You didn’t ask. You acted like you couldn’t care less. You could have stopped me, but you didn’t. I waited on your porch long enough for you to do that much. You didn’t.”
“I was scared, Lauren. The last time I chased after someone, it didn’t end so well for me. I was frozen in fear.”
I remembered what Blake had told me about the night he had gotten arrested the second time. He had gotten into a huge argument with whoever he had been
dating at the time. She had left the party that they were all attending and he had drunkenly run after her, effectively stealing Chris’s car in the process. In retrospect, he was lucky he had just gotten a DUI and not an auto theft charge on top of it. Understanding washed over me and my features softened.
“You have to let it go, Matthew.”
“Easier said than done.”
“So it was easier to deny yourself what you really wanted? To not at least put up a fight? You just gave up.”
“So did you.”
By this time, we had both paced ourselves into my hallway. There wasn’t a huge amount of real estate in the space; he was so close to me that I could feel his breath on my skin. We stared at each other, unblinking.
“So did you get what you wanted tonight?” I asked finally.
His eyes narrowed, questioning my meaning.
“You said you wanted to see if I was okay. The answer is obvious that I’m not. Most days I don’t even want to get out of bed. And it’s all because of you. Does that stroke your ego?”
He placed his hands on the wall, pinning me so I couldn’t move.
“Does it make you feel good to know that I have kept every text you ever sent to me? That I cry when I read them? That I don’t even need to read them anymore because I can recite them from memory verbatim? That I have your Christmas card in my sock drawer and I get choked up when I put away my laundry? That I have regretted walking out on you every day since it happened? You’re not the only one who gets to live in the past.”
His breathing had quickened, matching mine. I felt as if the walls were closing in on me, like I was suffocating. He just kept looking at me.
“Say something!” I pleaded.
Instead, his hands dropped to my face, even as he pushed me gently against the wall. I felt the drywall support my frame, not altogether an unpleasant feeling as my legs felt like they were about to give out on me anyway. I realized I was shaking violently. I wondered how long that had been going on.
Then his lips were on mine. His kisses were intense, forceful in the best way possible. For all his talk about not being the most confident person on the planet, his skill betrayed him. He knew exactly what he was doing. His tongue found its way into my mouth as my hands slid into his hair, grabbing fistfuls of the blond strands.
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