Shattered

by Alicia Renee Kline

  “Why didn’t he tell me?” I whispered, “He had every opportunity to tell me all of this the next night. I wanted him to beg me not to go. I wanted him to fight for me. And he just stood there and let me walk away.”

  Blake stood up, absentmindedly pacing the floor as she contemplated my question. “Because he thought he was doing the right thing. Because he spent too much time listening to me. I had given him the same stupid lecture about not hurting you.”

  “Really?”

  I rewound all of the conversations we’d had on the subject in my head. The closest thing I remembered to her lecturing him about me was after the whole Thanksgiving debacle. That hadn’t exactly been a direct order not to vie for my attention; it was more of a request not to inflict bodily harm on my then-boyfriend. Sure, she had given him her share of dirty looks when he’d said something that could have been construed as flirtatious, but no outright commands not to declare his love for me.

  She nodded. “Really. I saw the way he looked at you. You weren’t the only one interpreting signs and signals. But I warned him that you weren’t up for grabs. That continuing down that path was only going to get someone hurt.”

  “Which it did. I think it took all of us out in one fell swoop. Me, Matthew, you, Eric, everyone.”

  “I’m only marginally scarred. I think you and Matthew took the brunt of the damage.”

  “I never meant for it to happen. Life would have been so much easier if Eric would have been the person all along that he tried to be in the end.”

  “And then you would have left all the same.”

  “But it would have been under different circumstances. There never would have been those opportunities for Matthew to insert himself in the picture. He would have just stayed your brother, maybe my friend, but nothing more.”

  “But he was always something more. You both picked up on it the second that you met each other.”

  She had a point. The day I moved in, when he had pulled up in the driveway in that car, it was like he had announced that my entire life was going to change from that moment forward. And it had. I had run across attractive guys before, but none had affected me in the same way as Matthew. The spark that had ignited between us that day had been palpable, undeniable. I had felt the electricity on my skin, in my head, in my heart.

  “Maybe you could have ended up happy with Eric,” Blake mused, “if he would have been the model boyfriend you wanted him to be. Life would have been mundane, textbook, no complaints. But you always would have felt like you were missing out on something. Because you would have been. The two of you weren’t passionate about each other. Not like you and Matthew.”

  As if on cue, we heard his key jangle in the front door. A few seconds later Matthew emerged, carrying two pizza boxes. From his expression and the way the room grew silent when he entered, he knew we had been discussing him. Unphased, he set our much more palatable dinner down on the kitchen table as Blake grabbed drinks from the fridge.

  We gathered around the table, Matthew and I on one side, Blake across from us. No plates, very informal, just like old times. Just as we pried open the pizza box, Blake decided to propose a toast. She raised her water bottle in the air and proclaimed, quite simply, something that summed up the night completely: “Here’s to new beginnings.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  “You had sex,” Gracie summed up succinctly when I finally got around to calling her back.

  It was the wee hours of Sunday morning, and I was huddled under the bedspread in my pajamas, alone. Matthew had dropped me off about an hour before, and I had needed a quick shower and more than a few moments to slow both my brain and my heart after being in his proximity. It had taken nearly all of my strength not to insist he come in with me and stay the night. But in the end, practicality had won out. I had cleaning to do – Sundays were my chore day – and gossip to catch up on.

  I had taken a chance and dialed Gracie’s number, figuring that she would still be up. She had answered on the first ring. I could tell from the silence in the background that she had spent yet another evening at home. Maybe my party girl was calming down.

  I wanted to be coy. I wanted to behave like an adult and not some giggly teenager who had just lost her virginity, but when I looked over at the spot Matthew had occupied in my bed the previous morning, I laughed out loud.

  “You had good sex,” she observed, trying to drag the details out of me. “You never acted like this after you slept with Eric. Oh my God, you didn’t sleep with Eric again, did you?”

  “No!” I practically shouted, then felt slightly guilty.

  “Well, good. So who’s the lucky guy? Is it that one that stalks you at work?”

  “Jeff? No, not him.” The thought of that kind of made me cringe, which also made me guilty.

  “You’re not helping, Lauren. It’s late and I have run out of options. So just tell me the name of the guy that you met, if you know it. Whoever it is, he must be pretty stellar in bed if he can make you forget about Matthew.”

  “He didn’t make me forget about Matthew,” I said seriously, “in fact, I’d say the exact opposite.”

  “Then why are you so happy? Don’t tell me you found some poor blond guy at a bar and acted out your fantasies. I bet he didn’t even have a cool car. Don’t tell me you settled for someone who drives a Buick.”

  “My dad drives a Buick,” I reminded her.

  “No offense, but you know what I mean.”

  “I do, and rest assured, he came equipped with a nice car, too. It goes fast, which I know first hand, because I drove it. All day today. It was a beautiful day to be driving a convertible Mustang. Good thing I learned how to drive a stick when I was younger.”

  There was a pause on the other end as she digested my words. I waited patiently as she sorted out the clues, anticipating the coming explosion. I didn’t have to wait long.

  “Oh. My. God.”

  “I know, right?”

  “So how in the world did that happen? Did he finally run into you at the grocery store, or the mall or the gas station? Tell me everything!”

  I recounted the entire story, going back to me getting pulled over on Thursday night and ending with an hour ago as she paid me rapt attention. At times, I had to pull the phone away from my ear to make sure we were still connected. There was nothing but silence on the other end as she listened intently.

  “So now what?” Gracie asked when I had concluded.

  “I don’t know exactly,” I admitted. In fact, I had been wondering the same thing myself. I doubted I’d become a one-night stand based on some of Matthew’s answers, but we hadn’t truly discussed where we would go from here.

  “Well, you told each other that you loved each other, right?”

  “Yes,” I said impatiently. I had told her that much already.

  “Then don’t mess it up this time. When are you seeing him next?”

  I shrugged before realizing that she wasn’t able to see the action. “I’m not sure.”

  “Lauren,” she whined.

  “Gracie,” I countered, “why can’t you accept that we’re playing this by ear? That forty-eight hours ago I had no idea that any of this would happen. It’s not like we spent our time together coming up with a visitation schedule for the next six months.”

  “Well maybe you should. You need to make him a priority in your life. If Eric had done that with you, you might still be with him.”

  I pondered that statement for a moment. Blake’s words echoed in my ears. Sure, if Eric had done his due diligence, we might have been engaged now, but at what cost? Would it have been enough to be content and not over the top happy? Would I have known the difference, what I would have missed out on?

  “No, I don’t think so,” I said softly.

  “Really?” Gracie obviously wouldn’t have been surprised if I’d settled.

  “Eric and I just never had that kind of attraction. Maybe it’s because we got together at sixteen and we just did
n’t know any better. We were forever stuck in that sweet, teenage kind of love. And the intimacy wasn’t bad; I used to think it was really one of our stronger points, but now I know that it wasn’t. We were each other’s safety net. If I hadn’t have been as dead set on staying in our relationship and not letting it fail, I would have realized the truth long ago. Like when everyone else did.”

  “Which was?” Gracie prodded. I had a feeling she could already tell what was coming, but she just wanted to hear it from my own mouth that she had been right all along.

  “That there was this undeniable attraction between Matthew and me since the day that we met. That there was this spark, this electricity that flowed between us that had never been there with Eric and me. That it wasn’t just a stupid crush. Crushes fade in time, and this only grew deeper. I never wanted to be his friend; I always wanted more. And he did, too.”

  “Sometimes the people that are closest to the fire aren’t the ones that see it first.”

  “That’s quite deep for two in the morning.”

  “I know. That’s quite deep for any time of day as far as I’m concerned.”

  Gracie stifled a yawn, as if my voicing of the late hour suddenly made her sleepy. Under normal circumstances, I’d be fighting exhaustion as well. Most nights I laid awake until well after midnight, my brain refusing to shut down. Eventually sleep would consume me, and I’d fall into a restless state of unconsciousness that provided barely enough recuperation to make it through the coming day. Tonight, I was as wired as if I’d drunk about ten cups of coffee. I contemplated hanging up the phone with her and getting started on my cleaning now.

  “I know it’s late,” I sympathized, “I just couldn’t wait to tell you everything.”

  “No, I’m glad you called.” This time she didn’t mask her yawn.

  “So stop worrying about me, okay? And I promise that I’ll call my dad soon and tell him, so don’t open your big mouth.”

  “Fair enough. And Lauren?”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m really happy for you.”

  “Thanks, hon. Goodnight.”

  “Night. I’ll talk to you soon.”

  I disconnected the call and sunk down onto the pillow, the phone still in my hand. My head was still spinning and I figured that I might numb myself into slumber by checking my emails and deleting out the junk. If that didn’t work, then I’d pull out the vacuum or start a load of laundry.

  Or not.

  Less than two minutes later, my phone buzzed with a new text message. I smiled as I closed out my email, figuring it was Gracie still gloating about our earlier discussion. Instead, it was Matthew.

  Still awake?

  Yes. I responded quickly, not wanting him to think that he’d woken me. Even if he had, I wouldn’t have been upset.

  What are you doing?

  Thinking of you.

  Same here.

  What do you suggest we do about that?

  My place? Now?

  It’s only fair, right?

  Pack a bag?

  Sure thing. Be over soon.

  I leapt from my bed, my heart racing. I decided not to change from my t-shirt and flannel shorts and just slipped some flip-flops on my feet and finger combed my hair. Ironically enough, I still had my bag packed from when I used to spend the weekend at Eric’s. I dug through it to ensure that I had the essentials, then added a change of clothes from my dresser. I was in the car and pulling out of the garage within three minutes.

  The lights were on over at Regina’s house, and I imagined she was up with Quinn. I hoped everything was okay; at that age weren’t kids supposed to sleep through the night? Maybe not. Whatever the case, she would be getting an eyeful of me leaving at this hour and the conclusion she would draw would likely be correct.

  Traffic was virtually nonexistent. I felt an overwhelming urge to speed but decided against it. No need to tempt fate twice in one week. If I were to get pulled over yet again, the outcome probably wouldn’t be in my favor. Even obeying all traffic laws, I made it to his place within fifteen minutes from my last text.

  The garage door on the third bay was raised, and the lights were on. I didn’t see Matthew, but I assumed that he was wanting me to park inside. As I maneuvered the Sonata in next to his Camry, he emerged from inside the house. My breath caught in my lungs as I realized that he was wearing only boxer shorts. No wonder he hadn’t wanted me to park outside. Though I knew that no one would be able to see us from the road the late spring air had a slight chill to it, and he would have frozen his ass off helping me out of the car, which I knew he would.

  “Hey,” I said as he pulled open my car door.

  “What took you so long?” he asked with a smile.

  I slapped him playfully on the shoulder and grabbed my overnight bag from the passenger seat. He took it from me and slung it over his shoulder, lacing his fingers through mine as he did so.

  Wordlessly he led me through the darkened hallways of his house until we reached his bedroom. He set my bag down on the floor just inside the threshold, then both of his hands found my shoulders. He held me at arm’s length for a moment, his eyes drinking in my features. I stared back at him, barely able to breathe.

  “I shouldn’t have dropped you off at home,” he said softly.

  “I kind of insisted upon it,” I said, remembering.

  “I should have told you no.”

  “Or I should have asked you to come inside.”

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, Lauren. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since you left five months ago. So forgive me if I’m a little hesitant to let you out of my sight now.”

  He punctuated his sentences with kisses, pausing his train of thought to trail his lips upon mine, then down my neck. I shivered in anticipation of his touch. Between ragged breaths, I told him that he was forgiven.

  “I love you so much, Matthew,” I whispered, “I always have.”

  “I’m pretty sure you just stole my line.”

  “And I’m pretty sure it will sound even better with you saying it.”

  “Lauren,” he said in all seriousness as he pinned me against the wall, “from the moment I set eyes on you, I knew that I was in love. I never thought that anything would come of it. I never thought you would say it back. And even when you did, I didn’t think it would ever be in the context that I wanted.”

  “But here I am.”

  “But here you are.”

  I felt his arousal press against my leg, and I moaned involuntarily. His hands traveled underneath my shirt, cupping my bare breasts. My fingers grasped the hem and I pulled it off in one fluid motion, tossing the cotton garment to the floor. My shorts followed soon after, though my thong underwear remained intact.

  The wall was cool against my back, a sharp contrast to my overheated skin. His mouth burned as it caressed my flesh, his kisses remaining even after his lips had moved on. He explored all of me while I focused on remaining upright. Just as I thought my legs would give out on me, he lifted me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck and my legs about his waist and he carried me the short distance to his bed. On the way there, I tucked my big toe into the waistband of his boxers and coaxed them down.

  “That’s a nice trick,” he said huskily as he laid me across his mattress. He paused to step out of his underwear and I reflexively looked downward to admire the view. The moonlight that shone through his bedroom window provided just enough brightness to make out his form, leaving most of him in the shadows.

  “I didn’t know I could do that,” I giggled.

  “Lucky me.”

  With a quick motion of his wrist, my underwear was pushed off my hips. He lifted my legs onto his shoulders and removed it the rest of the way. Then he climbed on top of me and I couldn’t remember why I had thought it would be a good idea to sleep alone tonight.

  Afterward he laid beside me, his head upon my chest for a change. I ran my fingers through his damp hair, breathing him
in as I let my mind wander. We were silent for a long moment, each lost in our thoughts.

  “I can hear your heart beating,” he said finally.

  “Embarrassingly fast, I’m sure.”

  He chuckled softly, then traced the side of my body with one of his fingers. I gasped at the unexpected, intimate touch. If my heart hadn’t been racing before, it most certainly was now.

  “No faster than my own.” He reached up and took the wrist of my free hand, placing my palm against his chest. True to his word, its rate was very similar to mine.

  “Yours was the last thing I heard before I fell asleep and the first thing I heard this morning. Or yesterday morning, I guess. I could have listened to it for hours. I suppose that I did.”

  “Then it’s my turn tonight.”

  “That seems fair.”

  He released my wrist but my hand remained in place. He brushed his fingers against the breast he wasn’t lying on, circling my nipple until it turned hard. As my pulse quickened, so did his.

  “The heart is an amazing thing,” he said quietly. “It never lies, though we may not choose to listen. It continues to beat even when it’s broken, even when you wish it wouldn’t. It’s almost as if it’s determined to pull you through the darkest hours, as if it knows that better days are ahead.”

  “Were there times that you wished that it would just give up?” I cringed internally, not sure I wanted to hear the answer. I knew how I had felt the first night at Gracie’s apartment. How nauseated I had been the next morning, only partially from my alcohol consumption. How I had admitted that I was ready to not feel anything anymore.

  He paused before he spoke, taking a long, deep breath. I waited, convinced that his reluctance confirmed my fears. “Several times.”

  If I wanted to place bets, I was sure that I could name a few. Arrest number one and two. When his parents removed themselves from his life. The whole time he was in jail – would that count as one time or one hundred and eighty? But the one occasion that truly gutted me was me leaving him. Again, would that be one instance or a solid five months’ worth?