Euphoria (The Thornfield Affair #1)

by Amity Cross

  Finally, I nodded my acceptance. “If I am to move forward and decide if being with you like this is what I desire, then I must.”

  Edward’s chest rose and fell with sharp breaths, and his nostrils flared as he warred with himself. His expression changed so many times I couldn’t keep up, and when I slacked in his grasp, he struck.

  His mouth came down on mine hard, his lips bruising as his tongue dove into my mouth hot and wet. Everything about his touch was abrasive as he moved me across the room.

  His fingers tugged at my jeans, undoing the button and lowering the zipper. Then he pushed them down, exposing me. There was no slowing his pace for pleasure or to rid me of any other clothing. He just let his base instincts take control, wanting to join with and to dominate my body, no matter the cost.

  Turning me around, he forced my body across a table, and my face pressed against the cool surface with my rear open to him. I was completely helpless in this position. Every ounce of his strength was used against me, and I was at his mercy. I’d consented, so I remained silent, allowing him to take what he pleased from my body.

  He was to show how his demon had twisted the very fabric of his being, and perhaps I was about to receive the answers to questions I longed to understand, or perhaps I was going to be torn so completely I’d never understand what drove him.

  I couldn’t see, but I could hear just fine as he freed his manhood. I trembled under his touch as anticipation rose, and when his palm connected with my skin with a sharp crack, I cried out in surprise. Pain bloomed, and in my aroused state, I wasn’t sure if it hurt or if I wanted more. It was a curious sensation, and when he slapped me again, I moaned loudly, quivering against his crotch.

  He entered me roughly, much more forcibly than before, and twisted a hand into my hair. My cheek pressed painfully into the hard surface of the table, and I couldn’t move as he thrust, his body setting a punishing pace. He took solace in my body, digging his hands into my scalp and slapping my exposed skin. When he was close to erupting, his hands closed around my neck and squeezed.

  I began to panic as I felt my windpipe crushing, desperately gasping for air as he took pleasure in my struggle. He didn’t let me go until I felt his seed leave his body. Then his touch turned from pain to pleasure as he soothed the hurts he’d caused.

  I didn’t find pleasure in it at all.

  Leaving my body, he lifted me onto the table, my tender flesh aching as he positioned himself between my legs. We were still naked where it mattered the most, but I couldn’t take him again. I was too shocked, too hurt, and too proud to allow him. I pressed my palm against his chest and shook my head, ignoring the moment where his shoulders tensed.

  “You have seen how deep my darkness runs,” he murmured. “What say you, Jane, now that you have been completely torn?”

  My mouth opened uselessly, waiting for my mind to catch up. Finally, I managed a few words.

  “Who did this to you?”

  His brow furrowed, his eyes never changing from the blackness they’d turned into. He seemed at war with himself yet again, as if he were trying to decide which parts of his tale of woe to impart on me. No doubt, they’d be pieces that would give away the least amount of information while still placating me.

  “And what gives you pause to ask me this, Jane Doe?”

  “I can see the tenderness in you even while you wish to cause pain,” I said, my body threatening to crumble. “You lash out… During… Who—”

  “Silence,” Edward growled and slapped his palm over my mouth, tugging me onto my trembling feet. “You speak of things you do not know.”

  I twisted my face to the side, freeing my mouth. “Not for want of trying!”

  Edward stared at me, his expression turning to stone. I wouldn’t let him run from this, not after what he’d done to my body. He’d shown me a great deal more than he realized, and I would use it to pry him apart.

  “You wanted to take the life from me,” I whispered, my fingers touching my neck. “You do not think I understand what that feels like? My name was stripped from me as a child,” I went on, my gaze never lowering from his. “I have no ancestral home, no identity, and no story.”

  “Your story is different from mine,” he mumbled.

  “Perhaps, but I can see your desires come from a place—”

  “Get out,” he hissed, pulling away from me.

  I’d expected his dismissal after hearing my words. Sliding off the table, I winced as pain shot through my skin. Someone had caused him so much despair it had scarred his soul, and now he manifested it during a moment that should be precious and tender between two lovers. All his outward mechanisms—his gloom, annoyance, and changeful ways—were there to hide him from the world. He favored power and ire so others wouldn’t add to his hurts, but…he craved tenderness, and it could only be achieved by letting down his guard and casting off his mask.

  The only honest piece of the man I’d seen tonight was the demon on his shoulder. The rest of his true self still lay hidden, and it caused my own heart to hurt. I wasn’t enough, but I couldn’t submit knowing I was kept at arm’s length. There were too many secrets to continue ignoring for the sake of pleasure.

  I pulled my jeans back up and buttoned them in place, my hands trembling. I ached all over, and it wasn’t just my body, my heart throbbed just as much as the flesh he’d slapped and the life he’d choked from me.

  No one—not even the enigmatical Edward Rochester—could heal without letting someone in.

  25

  I was torn quite completely.

  When I ventured downstairs the next morning, I was unsteady on my feet, sleep having done nothing but tighten my muscles and harden my heart. I’d asked for Edward to show me, and he’d done nothing but comply with my demands.

  What I’d thought was abrasive on his behalf was gentle. He’d been holding himself back in more ways than I’d understood. He’d let his mask slip, and I’d seen the beast within, but I couldn’t help but feel there was yet another layer he was purposely keeping from me.

  What should I do now? Should I stay and fight a bloody war for what may be my only chance at true happiness? Should I stand up for what was right and just—trust, honesty, and love—or leave to save my soul?

  Neither was an easy road, and neither guaranteed a happy ending. Both paths required great concessions on my behalf, and each fork represented a loss that would be a blow to my very being. Was I prepared to lose Edward and leave him to his darkness…or tarnish my soul forever?

  My agitation grew with every step, and my heart throbbed as if I were overcome with a sickness, my breath short. I was a tightly coiled spring ready to burst forth and attack the world. It was the most un-Jane-like thing of all.

  When I finally reached the office, I was a tornado. Alice rose to her feet, looking panicked at the sight of me.

  “Jane?” she asked, stepping forward to grasp my arm. “Are you ill?”

  I shook her away, anger rising to the surface of my heart. It was strange for me to feel so passionately irate, but I couldn’t stop it.

  “I cannot take it anymore,” I spat. “I cannot stand here and pretend I’m wanted.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “All I ever wanted was to belong,” I said, my throat tightening. “All I ever wanted was to have a family.”

  “And you have it, Jane,” Alice said, looking pale. “You belong here with us. Can’t you see?”

  I shook my head. “The fire, the awful screams the other night…”

  “Fire? What fire?”

  I scowled, my control finally slipping out of my grasp. “Do you know that Mason was attacked? He was slashed and stabbed by some blunt object. He was spirited away in the night like a filthy secret long before anyone could see.”

  Alice’s mouth dropped open. “Mason was attacked?”

  “Edward swore me to secrecy and forbade Mason to talk to me about it. Forbade him, Alice! I’m being purposely kept from some bi
g secret. Something terrible haunts him. No matter what I do or say, he keeps me apart.”

  “A secret at Thornfield?” she asked, looking aghast. “That’s madness!”

  “You know the reason behind this,” I said. “Why won’t you tell me? Why do you brush me off?”

  “I don’t know what you mean, Jane,” she replied, looking uneasy as she lied through her teeth.

  “I would help him! Don’t you see?”

  “Jane… I can’t tell you—”

  “I can’t take this anymore,” I snapped, gathering up my tablet. “You all claim to care for me, yet you don’t trust me. What is love without trust?”

  “When did Rocky become Edward, Jane?” Alice asked, throwing my own secret back in my face.

  “The moment I started sleeping with him,” I replied, turning on her, my fury now fully released. “How does that compare to attempted murder? It doesn’t!”

  “Oh, Jane,” she said with a moan. “I warned you not to get too close.”

  My fingers trembled around the tablet. “It was too late. Much too late…”

  Alice’s expression faltered, and she looked at me like I was a sad little puppy that had been led astray. “You love him, don’t you?”

  All the secrets and lies, the hidden liaisons and whispers…they took their toll so completely, I snapped in two. I’d finally reached my limit, and I didn’t have the strength to continue sacrificing myself for Edward. He’d always said or done just enough to placate and keep me interested, and it wasn’t enough. I was worth more than the mistress I’d become.

  And so my decision was made.

  “How could I?” I cried. “I can’t trust him, and I can’t trust you! Who was I to think that a nobody like me would be more than a glorified whore to him! Poor little plain Jane Doe!” Passion overcame me, and I threw the tablet against the wall, tears beginning to fall. There was a sharp crack as the screen shattered and a loud crash as it fell to the floor.

  Alice stared at me, open mouthed with shock, but I couldn’t bear the weight of her gaze. Spinning on my heel, I strode from the office, and once I entered the main gallery, I broke into a run. I pushed against the great oak door and burst out into the lingering summer sunshine, then I ran.

  “Jane, come back!”

  Alice’s voice echoed after me, but I didn’t slow my frantic pace. I kept on the path, threading my way across the grounds and into the forest. I didn’t know where I was going, but I had to get as far away from Thornfield as I could manage.

  The ground was hard underfoot as my boots crunched on gravel, pounded on earth, and kicked through leaf litter. The sun hid itself above the trees of the forest, cooling my skin, but I wasn’t done walking. This place held just as many memories as the house behind me.

  Breaking through to the other side, I came upon a low bluestone fence. It was in disrepair with pieces having fallen off creating an uneven surface. It was easy to scale, and I dropped down to the other side, my boots making divots in the soft earth.

  Standing there, I surveyed the land before me. The moor stretched ahead, the land rocky and wild, shrubbery, heather, and grass growing close to the ground, beaten back by the force of the wind. I was sure there was a metaphor for my current dilemma within its craggy surface, but I wasn’t inclined to think upon it further. My heart ached, and here, within the untamed wildness of nature, things had the simplicity I craved.

  There were no secrets or mysteries, no carefully spoken words or whispers. No, out here, a rock was a rock. The wind was the wind. A bird was a bird. A mouse was a mouse. There was nothing complicated about the harmony of nature. Everything had its place, and no piece of the picture before me was confused as to the part it played.

  Marching forward, I set out across the moor, wishing I were a bird so I could fly far, far away. I scrambled over rock, slid down embankments, wove a wild path, and finally, I stilled, collapsing on a high rock. It was warm from the sun, and I placed my palms on the rough surface, allowing the heat to seep into my flesh.

  My throat burned with restrained tears, and even though no one was around to see them fall, I kept a tight hold over them. Never would I shed a tear over Edward Rochester! How could I miss that which I’d never known?

  Behind me, Thornfield was a blight on the countryside, and I knew no matter how far I walked across the moor, I’d see its black smudge there to guide me. Ahead, I knew there was human life someplace, but the moor was vast, so I couldn’t see anything but gray rock, the earthy greens of grass and bushes, and the purple smudge of heather. My trifles of the heart seemed small compared to the space laid bare before me.

  “Jane!”

  A cool wind stirred, causing strands of hair to flicker across my face. My braid loosened in my flight, and now it was as wild as the land around me. The land that was casting whispers like a lost spirit was haunting my sanctuary.

  “Jane!”

  I turned at the sound of my name, which came louder this time, and my body trembled as it recognized the tone and desperation that lingered within its tenor.

  Edward.

  I saw him then, a dark smudge working his way through the rock, and when he saw me atop my perch, he hurried forward.

  He’d come after me. Was there no escape?

  26

  Edward found me perched high on my rock.

  He didn’t rush toward me, nor did he take me in his arms. Alice likely called him the moment I ran from Thornfield, and here he was coming to mend the wound before I spilled our secret to anymore ears.

  “Jane,” he said, sitting beside me.

  “If you have come to make sure my lips have not whispered in more ears, you needn’t worry,” I said dryly. “I couldn’t bear to disclose it or the pain you caused me last night. The words feel… They don’t feel right anymore.”

  “Jane,” he murmured, the longing clear in his voice. “I shouldn’t have touched you the way I did.”

  “I asked you to,” I replied harshly. “It is who you are. It is what you want. I’m not upset.”

  “I can see the effort in your features,” he murmured. “You are holding back tears.”

  “If the pleasure and pain you wrought last night caused anything, it was understanding.” I paused, attempting to formulate what I’d come to know.

  “Understanding?” he prodded.

  “Of who you are.” I swallowed my tears and delivered my final judgment. “Anger drives you, nothing else. What that anger is, I don’t know. I’m sure I never will.”

  Silence stretched between us. The string I’d always felt tethering us together had all but disappeared, and I could sense the last of his light drifting away. It was so solemn, I was sure I’d never smile again.

  “I would have you,” he said after a long moment. “As you are now. As we are. You would want for nothing. Your every need would be cared for, and you would travel and see the world. How I long to see your happiness at the sight of Paris. You would flourish, Jane. Flourish.”

  It was a fine dream, to see the world, but I wasn’t a fool. It wouldn’t be on Edward Rochester’s arm as his one and only. I would travel separate and creep in the darkness, coming to him when all eyes were distracted. I would have a carefully construed alias. Perhaps I would be his personal assistant or some kind of secretary or associate. I wouldn’t be Jane Doe, girlfriend, fiancée, wife. I would never be any of those things, and they were the only ones I wanted. I didn’t care one iota about the rest.

  A name, a purpose, belonging… Someone who wanted me. Those were more valuable to me than money. Jane Doe could not be bought. How hadn’t he realized this by now? I’d told him a long time ago I cared not for material wealth. He’d been spiritually starved, and I could fill him up… It was a fine dream, and a dream it was.

  “What was it you said to me?” I asked. “Not long after we met?”

  I could feel his uncertainty on the air. “I don’t follow…”

  “Would companionship of mind and body be enough without t
he heart?” I quoted him, the words forming in my mind as if he’d spoken them only moments before.

  “I can already see they are not,” he replied, his voice strained.

  “I thought it would since I never understood the meaning of love,” I said. “But I cannot abide as we are, knowing you hold so many secrets from me. Knowing you are in such pain.”

  “Secrets are secrets for a reason, Jane. You don’t understand now, but if you knew…”

  “No,” I said. “You don’t understand. How can I go on knowing there is someone or something that intends you and others harm? How can I go on knowing you purposely distrust me?”

  “I trust you, Jane,” he began, but I didn’t want to hear another excuse.

  “That is a lie. I was your dirty secret, not good enough to be more than a plaything. A balm for your weary soul. That was proven when you kept commanding me to skulk around Thornfield like a rat and refusing to trust me with your secrets.”

  “And there it is in full,” he said, his lip curling into a sneer. “How you must hate me for toying with you!”

  “I would love you, Edward Rochester,” I declared, turning my gaze upon him. “I would love you no matter the darkness or the truth behind your precious secrets. I would help you without question, but the love of a woman as little as I was never going to be enough for you, was it? I was not powerful enough in your eyes.”

  “Who am I to argue,” he said, averting his gaze. “You have made up your mind and delivered the final blow with such accuracy. I suppose I’m stone once more.”

  I curled my lip. “If you are stone, it is only of your own doing.”

  “Who knew the sacrifice would be so great?” he murmured to himself, reverting to his sphinxlike tendencies.

  I disregarded his words, turning from him. He and I were no more, and his demon could have all of him! I was numb now, but I knew the moment he removed himself from my presence I would feel it more keenly than any pain I’d ever felt. Already, I trembled at the growing anguish.