You Are My Sunshine

by Angie Merriam

  “Really?” I don't know why I was surprised by this. Dade was like a big brother to me. I made a mental note to thank him the next time I saw him.

  “Yeah, he loves you like a sister and he saw something off in Nick too. We just couldn't prove a damn thing. So when Shannon went missing he was the first on my list of suspects. I've already had him at the station for questioning but we had to let him go, again no evidence. It was after questioning we lost him, until he showed up here. Dade was tailing him but he's a slimy fucker and got away. When I saw him here, with you, I fucking lost it. I would have killed him if you hadn't stopped me and part of me wishes you wouldn't have. But I don't know now, Sunny. Nick's only what, twenty eight? It's not like he was killing grown women at eight years old. It also doesn’t explain Amanda.”

  “Yeah, I suppose not but that doesn't make him any less dangerous. He still needs to be a top priority. I know Shannon is only missing right now and I hope to God you find her but Nick could have kidnapped her you know? She was telling people that she saw the bleach killer and rambling on about some other stupid shit. Nick could have gotten pissed off and done something to her.” Nick was clearly out of his mind, and I didn't trust that he wouldn't come back.

  “I agree. He is dangerous and he is my top priority right now. You're right. I guess he could have done it. That would explain the inconsistencies. Ahh, my head is killing me. I think you've had a long enough day. Let's not talk about this anymore. I'll fill the guys in on your story tomorrow morning but I think that's enough for tonight. Want another beer?” He asked and stood up from the table.

  “Sure, I could use one more,” I said and wondered if this meant he'd be leaving soon. I didn't want him to leave. I felt safer with him there.

  “Hey, Matt?”

  “Yeah, babe.”

  “Would you mind staying the night? As tough as I like to think I am, I'm willing to admit to being afraid. I'd feel better knowing you were here.” His face lit up, and I saw a glint of mischief in his eyes and smile.

  “Babe, you couldn't make me leave you tonight. I already promised your mom I'd stay with you anyway. That was the deal, remember? She takes the kids and I keep you safe.”

  “You don't have to stay to keep a promise to my mom,” I replied angrily. I don't know why that irritated me. Maybe it was the stress of the day or the beer or the fucked up story I'd just sat through but one thing I knew, I didn't ever want to be someone's responsibility. I suddenly felt stupid for asking him to stay. I stood up from the table and turned to leave him sitting there.

  “Whoa, what the fuck, Sunny? Why are you pissed?” He quickly stood and followed me to the living room where I continued to bitch him out.

  “It's okay, Matt. I'll be fine without you. I don't need you babysitting me for my mother,” I spat and was surprised at the anger I heard in my voice. This was not how I saw the night going. I wasn't sure what I saw, but it wasn't fighting with Matt or feeling like a burden.

  “I'm not babysitting for your mother, Sunny. Yeah, I promised to keep you safe and I intend to keep that promise, but I would be here anyway. I planned on staying the night whether you wanted me here or not. Hearing you ask though, you fucking made my year, baby. Don't be pissed. I'm sorry I said that wrong.” He tried but I was beyond pissed now, but I wasn't sure exactly why, which bothered me even more.

  “Well, I don't want you here. I'm not some helpless, needy woman. I'm not fucking Keely. I can take care of myself. Please just leave.” I opened the door for him and motioned for him to get out.

  “No, I'm not fucking leaving!” His tone was even but I could hear the anger creeping in. He stood there watching me like I'd gone crazy. What was I doing? I didn't want him to leave. I wanted him to stay more than anything. Why the fuck was I kicking him out. Where did all this anger come from? I was losing my mind. I couldn't help it.

  “Leave now!” I yelled and pushed him towards the door. I was surprised when he didn't fight me. He grabbed his jacket and walked out the door. For some strange reason, him not fighting me made me even angrier and broke my heart. I felt like I was going crazy. This wasn't me. I didn't act like a foolish woman. I sank to the floor and sobbed. It was too much. The murders, Nick, my mother's story. It was too much. Once I quieted my own sobbing, I stood and wiped the tears from my face. Two breakdowns in one day. That was two more than usual but it was a shitty day, so I forgave myself and decided to lock the house up.

  I glanced out the window, and my stomach lurched. What if Nick was out there? What if the killer was out there? I was stupid. I should have never sent Matt away. What was wrong with me? I wanted him there more than anything yet I pushed him away, literally pushed him out of the door. “Stupid bitch,” I said to myself before I went to close the curtains. Then I spotted his police cruiser in my driveway. He didn't leave. I carefully opened the door and saw him. He was sitting on the porch, smoking and tense. “I thought you gave those up?” I said carefully from the doorway.

  “I did but every now and then things get so fucked up I need one.” His tone was short. He was pissed at me. He had every right to be after my temper tantrum. “I'm sorry, Matt. I don't know what got into me. This isn't me. I'm sorry.”

  “Shut up, Sunny, and come sit by me.” I slipped on a jacket and sat opposite of him on the porch banister.

  “You got another one?”

  “Thought you gave them up?” He mimicked me.

  “I did but as you know some times shit just gets too fucked up and I need one.”

  “Here.” He handed me a smoke and held the lighter for me. I inhaled the smoke deep into my lungs and relished in the burning sensation. Feeling tangible pain somehow took away the pain in my heart and mind. I coughed a little before taking another drag.

  “You don't have to apologize, babe. It's been a hard day. Hell it's been a hard fucking year for everyone but you need to know one thing,” he said then inhaled his smoke deeply.

  “What's that? That I'm fucking nuts?” I asked.

  “No, you're not fucking nuts. I'm not here out of obligation to your mother or to you. Sunshine Everly is not a fucking burden to me. You are not a burden. You are my life. You and the kids are my life. I know you don't trust me but I'll live the rest of my life convincing you that I love you and we belong together. I will sleep out here on the porch if you want but I'm not leaving the only woman I have ever loved. The mother of my children, my best friend, I'm not leaving you alone. Fucking period, Sunny. You are my fucking Sunshine, don't you ever forget that.” He took one last drag of his cigarette before dropping it on the ground in front of him, smashing it with his boot. We sat there in silence, with me having a serious internal battle.

  There was no doubt in my mind that I was still in love with my ex-husband and every fiber in my body wanted him, badly. I kept thinking about my parents. My mother found it in her not only to forgive but to trust my dad again, could I do it? I wasn't sure. As badly as I wanted him, I was just afraid of history repeating itself. Yeah, I weathered the last storm with my head held high and a tough exterior but inside, I was broken. I didn't ever want to feel that again.

  I inhaled the last of my own smoke and turned to Matt. “Okay, here is the thing. I love you too. I never stopped loving you, Matt, but you fucking broke my heart. It's not easy for me to admit that out loud, but you really did a number on me. I trusted you with my world and you took it all away. I honestly don't know if I can ever be that exposed to you again. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust you completely. It's like…. I have this wall built around my heart and as badly as I want to let you in, the door stays locked and the key is lost. I don't know how to find it, Matt but I want you, so bad. We just have to take things slow. I need to take things slow.” I looked at him and felt my resolve crumble just a little bit.

  “Thank you, Sunny,” he said, his voice husky as though he had a hard time speaking.

  “For what?”

  “For finally telling me how you really feel. I know
you don't like to talk about it, and I know how much I hurt you, but you've never been that open and honest with me, not since before this all happened. I needed to hear that. I needed to hear how badly I hurt you. I knew it but hearing you say it shines a new light. I can apologize until the day I die but it won't matter. I need to show you that I will never leave you. I will never betray you and I will show you.” His hand rubbed my thigh softly before squeezing gently and offering a shy smile.

  “I'm counting on it, Matt,” I said before standing up. “Come inside, it's getting late.” I gently pulled his hand to get him up. When he stood up his face he was inches from me. He smelled so good.

  “So, I don't have to sleep on the porch?” He asked quietly, his eyes never breaking contact with mine. “No, you're sleeping with me,” I replied and surprised myself. “You sure? I can always sleep on the couch. I don't mind taking things slow, babe.” He was still so close without touching me. I could feel the heat radiate from his body. His shirt was tight against his skin, and I wanted to run my hand across his chest.

  “I'm sure. Now shut the fuck up before I have my way with you right here on this porch. Jesus Christ, Matt, the way you make me feel inside should be a fucking crime,” I said and was again surprised. He was doing things to me, to my brain, to my heart and to my body. His eyes had been sad, shaded just moments before. Now as they looked at me, they danced. I hoped he was feeling as turned on as I was. I hoped the electricity passing between us was as hard for him to resist as it was for me. I matched his stare and waited for him to make a move. I could have moved past him and led him into my home, our home, but I stayed there, waiting for him.

  His head lowered to mine. Instinct led me and I stood on my tippy toes so my lips could reach his. I couldn't resist the temptation any longer. My hands made their way to his chest, which was rock hard, and roamed before winding their way around his neck. He began backing up toward the door, never breaking his hold on me. We manged to fumble through the door while continuing to make out. Once inside he pinned me against the wall, his hands exploring on their own. I pulled my mouth from his to catch my breath.

  “Don't fuck this up, Matt. I want you so badly right now and I'm ready to let you in but please don't fuck it up. If you can't promise me that this is it, you and me, Matt and Sunny together forever then please stop right now before we can't stop and one of us gets hurt. Before I get hurt.”

  I watched as he tried to control his breathing, his eyes intense and serious. “Sunshine Everly, I promise to stay faithful and true to you forever. It's just you and me, together forever. I will not fuck this up. I never thought you'd give me this chance and now that you have I swear I will not fuck it up. I love you, Sunshine, forever and always.” I felt another little piece of myself come to life again.

  “I love you right back, Matt Everly,” I replied and took his mouth again. My heart was racing, and my body was trembling in anticipation. With a sudden urgency, he began removing my shirt and pants while I removed his. He stood back and looked at me, sucking in a deep breath. I was self-aware, standing there my body naked, my soul bared. I'd never felt this feeling with Matt. I was always sure of myself with him, but things were different. They were new, and I was nervous.

  “You're trembling, babe,” he said before pulling me close again. My naked skin electrified by his touch.

  “This is real right, Matt? This isn't just a spontaneous fuck like the other night, this is us and it's real.”

  “Yeah, Sunny, this is us. No spontaneous fucking, this is making love because that's what we do. This is us, together again. This is me loving you because I do love you, so much. I will not let you down, Sunny. I'll live and die proving it to you. I'm going to start proving it right now.” His voice was low and sexy, but it was the sincerity, the knowing that he meant what he was saying. It was the love I felt for him that caused silent tears to escape just before his mouth covered mine.

  Matt and I were always in sync in bed but this time, wow. Maybe it was our time apart, or maybe we were older, or maybe we appreciated each other but there were sparks. I always thought it was cheesy when people said ‘they saw fireworks’ or shit like that, but I saw them that night with Matt. His mouth explored my body as if it was exploring new territory. His hands were gentle but hungry. My skin was on fire, and I swore I could see live sparks between us.

  “Now, Matt, please,” I begged. My body craved him. I craved release. His hands slid up my body as his mouth found mine. One hand found my breast while the other held my arm, my body pinned beneath his. I could feel him on my inner thigh. He was so close. I attempted to lift my hips, encouraging him in, but I was helpless under his weight.

  “I love you, Sunny. Every part of you. I need you know that, to understand it. I love your mouth,” he said and kissed me short but deeply. He moved along my body, planting kisses as he spoke. “I love the curve of your neck.” Kiss. “I love your breasts, so perfect in my hands like they were made for me to hold them.” Kiss and a little suckle. “I love your belly. My babies grew in there and every one of these marks,” he began, and I stiffened involuntarily. The kids wreaked havoc on my skin and where the blank canvas of my belly, ass and hips used to be was now covered in beautiful purple stretch marks. I'd accepted them as my own, my badge of honor, and I had never been self-conscious of them, until now. He felt me stiffen and showered my abdomen with kisses. “I love every one of these marks. They look remarkable on you and remind me of what we created, what you gave to me. Don't ever feel less than magnificent with these, babe. You'll never be anything but gorgeous to me and these make you all the more beautiful to me.” Kiss, kiss, kiss.

  He moved lower making my breath hitch. “I love your legs, especially when they wrap around me, holding me closer to you.” Kiss on each inner thigh. “And this area.” Kiss. “I love this space between your legs. So hot and wet and waiting and it's all mine.” He covered my most sensitive area with his mouth and the currents that ran through my body when he licked and sucked and teased me caused my body to tremble and buck. “Please, Matt, I need you in me. Now,” I begged but he continued feasting until I couldn't control it anymore and came harder than I could remember having done before. Just as the trembling slowed he rose from between my legs and mounted me again, finally ready to enter me.

  “I love you, Sunshine,” he said, looking at me with an intensity I'd never seen. “I love you too, Matt,” I replied and when his mouth covered mine, he gently entered me. He started slow and methodically but as our breathing sped up so did the thrusts until he was driving into me with a passion and need like I'd never felt. I felt another orgasm building deep in my belly, and every thrust brought me closer. I looked into his eyes and saw his need for me there and felt him quiver. We came together, and I could have sworn I saw fucking fireworks.

  He fell beside me and I rolled into him, both of us panting, trying to catch our breath. He pulled me closer until my head was resting on his chest, and my arm was draped over him. Our legs intertwined.

  “Your heart's beating fast. So is mine,” I whispered and turned just enough to pull his hand to my chest.

  “Feel it? My heart is beating out of control right now, like yours.” I smiled up at him. He was smiling back at me, love so clear in his eyes.

  “I've made love to you hundreds of times over the years, Sunshine Everly and I loved every time but this time? This time was different. We're connected, spiritually I think. Does that sound stupid? It sounds stupid,” he said and moved his hand to his face where he covered his eyes. He was embarrassed. He was never embarrassed in front of me, never. He was also never much of a sweet talker or deep talker. This was new for him.

  “It's not stupid, baby. It's real. I feel it too. It's scary and magical at the same time. We are connected. We’ve always been connected, but you're right. This time is different. I'm happy you had that affair and I'm happy we divorced after it,” I said nonchalantly and sat up to look at him. There he was, Matt Everly, my Matt Everly. My
first love, my best friend for as long as I can remember, the father of my children. The man who broke my heart and helped put it back together, my second husband. He really was beautiful and looking a bit shocked and sexy as hell with his messy hair and naked body.

  “What did you say? Are you fucking crazy? I fucked everything up. I hurt you, the one person in my life that I've always confided in, needed, wanted, loved, and I did the most fucked up thing I could do. I broke up our family. I've missed seeing my kids every day. I've missed seeing you every day. I know I've said sorry hundreds of times since then, so many times that it feels like it's lost its meaning but I don't know what else to say.” He was sitting across from me. His clear eyes were like endless pools and were speaking things he could put into words. I put my hand on his chest again. I liked feeling his heartbeat.