You Are My Sunshine

by Angie Merriam

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  “You're welcome, Sunshine. Now go see your dad. He asked me to send you out when you got here. He's out in the barn. I'll keep the kids busy.”

  “Okay.” I kissed Dani and left Elijah sitting on the couch watching Diego. I grabbed two fresh cups of coffee and went to find my dad. I found him in his barn with his horses. My dad was what I considered a real cowboy. When he was younger, he competed in rodeos and was pretty good I was told. He loves his horses and the land. Says he finds inner peace while riding. More times than I could count, I'd come home and find my dad in the corral breaking in a new horse. He always brought home the meanest SOBs and turned them into the gentlest of creatures. If I believed in the whole Spirit Animal thing, I know my dads would be a horse. Beyond that he was a hard worker and a true gentleman who always wore his wranglers, a fancy cowboy shirt, and his hat. Today was no different.

  “Hey, Dad,” I said in greeting and felt a sense of safety in the smile he flashed at me.

  “Good morning, Sunny.”

  “Morning. I brought a cup of java,” I said and handed it to him. “Mom said you wanted to talk to me.”

  “Yeah, let's go for a ride,” he suggested.

  “Now?”

  “Yeah, why not? It's a beautiful morning and you know it helps clear my head. Besides, when was the last time you went riding with dear old dad?” He had me there. I've ridden around the barn and in the corral with Elijah multiple times. However, I don't think I've gone on a ride with my dad since before Elijah was born. When I was young, we would go out a few times a month or whenever he had something important to talk about. When I failed at something in school, he'd take me out and tell me some kind of story that would teach me a lesson and always made me feel better. When I started dating Matt, he took me on a ride to warn me about the minds of teenage boys. When Matt and I got serious, he took me out to assure me he liked Matt and approved of him. The day before I married Matt, we rode and that was the first time I ever saw my dad cry. He was giving me away to Matt. Thinking about it now, that was the last time we've gone on a ride together.

  “Okay, Dad. Sure. I should go let Mom know since she has the kids.”

  “Your mother's fine with those kids. I swear they are her fountain of youth,” he said with a chuckle.

  “Trust me, I'm not complaining,” he said before opening the gate and allowing his horse, Betty Lou, out. I went to the stall that held my horse, Amber. She was beautiful. “Hey, baby,” I said in greeting.

  “It's been a while hasn't it? I'm sure Dad has given you plenty of exercise. Come on girl. Let's go for a ride.” I led her out of the stall and out of the barn where my dad was holding my saddle. He helped me saddle Amber up, and I climbed up on her.

  I hadn't realized how much I missed her. She was a fantastic shade of tan/gold that almost looked red in the sunshine. My dad has taken immaculate care of her. Her mane was brushed beautifully. She is a very beautiful beast. “Ready,” he asked, looking at me. His face still so handsome even with the slight wrinkles that were taking residence around his eyes and mouth. “Yeah, Dad, let's go.” He winked and tapped his horses side and flicked the reins causing Betty Lou to sprint ahead. I repeated the motion with Amber, and we were soon right behind them.

  The freedom I felt with Amber beneath me, galloping full speed into nature was a feeling I'd always craved as a kid and hadn't realized I was missing as an adult. My senses were filled with the scent of spring, and the taste of morning dew. The glow the sun rays gave the land, and the feel of the wind whipping past me. I finally understood what my dad meant when he said riding cleared his head and helped him find peace.

  We rode at full speed for a while before my dad slowed Betty Lou down until we were all trotting slowly through the forest. We ended at the edge of a clearing on the edge of a bluff, overlooking Lincoln. I hadn't realized how far we'd gone. I looked down at my town. It looked like one of those postcard towns. Lincoln was littered with cute little buildings, green grass, and beautiful trees and sat nestled between the mountain ridges. My horse stood beside my dad’s, and I saw the worry wash across his face, just as it had my mother and Matt.

  “Dad, I'm okay,” I began.

  “I know, Sunny, I know. Thank God.” His eyes squinted in the sun as he looked down on the town. Our town.

  “Are you giving Matt a second chance?” My father asked, and I nodded. “Yeah, it seems that way. I love him, Dad and I think he really loves the kids and me. People fuck up right? Sometimes they deserve a second chance.”

  “Yeah, men especially fuck up,” he began. “Don't think that he doesn’t love you, Sunny, you need to know it because he does. Don't get me wrong, I was pissed as all hell when he did what he did, I mean you're my baby girl and he promised to take care of you. He was lucky I didn't kick his sorry ass but I understood. I know your mom told you about our past so I'm sure you can understand why I didn't kick his ass.”

  “Yeah, she told me. By the way, thanks for not kicking his ass, Dad.”

  “Well, you handled it with grace and dignity and I was so proud of you for that. Then, I've watched you two together the last few years. I've watched him try so hard to prove himself to you and the kids. You were solid though, Sunny. You didn't give into him. I felt bad for the guy a few times,” he said and chuckled. “It was painfully obvious how much he loved you, how regretful he was, but you didn't see it. I almost pointed it out a few times but I knew you had to find your own way and if that meant finding your way back to Matt or someone else, I had to let you do that.”

  “Thanks for that, Dad.”

  “Mmm, hmm. You kids will be just fine.” He pulled out a cigar from his pocket and flicked his Bic lighter. “Don't tell your mother,” he said with a wink.

  “Wouldn't think of it,” I assured him. We sat in comfortable silence for a while before my dad shocked me. “I think one of us older folks is the one killing those young girls,” he said it so nonchalantly but with certainty.

  “What makes you think that, Dad?” I asked carefully, though I'd already been thinking it was one of our own.

  “Well, your mom told you about Brenda all those years ago right?” I nodded that she had but remained quiet, waiting for him to go on.

  “Well, it wasn't all the truth,” he began.

  “What happened back then, Dad?” I could see his face fall as he recalled a night that happened years before.

  “Brenda's body was found. Your uncle Joe found her just outside of town. She was killed just like Keely and all the others.”

  “Who knew about Brenda?”

  “Just a few of us, the few of us that still plays poker every other Friday night. You see before you were born and before I married your mother, the five of us men were like brothers and that has carried on through all these years. We've been together through marriages, divorces, children, everything. When Joe found Brenda he came to me first and together we went to Walt. The town was much smaller than and we kind of ran things if you know what I mean. Anyway, we called the others in for a meeting. There we were Uncle Joe, Walt, Steve, Randy, and I discussing what to do about Brenda. See, we had all been with her at one point in time and each suffered our own consequences but we were torn up about it. All of us except Uncle Joe. It was he who suggested we bury her and leave it as a missing persons case. We never spoke of it again until the other night at the poker game.” He paused for what seemed like an eternity. I was trying to wrap my brain around his story, but it was unbelievable to me. My dad helped cover up a murder over twenty years ago. What the fuck?

  “And what did you talk about?” I said with a little more edge than I intended.

  He looked at me. His brown eyes were clouded with worry. “Joe brought Brenda up. Reminded us how similar her death was to the new ones. Was kind enough to remind us what we'd done all those years ago. Stressed the importance of keeping quiet. He didn't want any of us going to the police not that any of us were thinking about that at the time but for
Christ’s sake, we have three dead girls on our hands now and we might be able to help. I keep thinking, what if it was you, Sunshine? Wouldn't I want anyone who could help find the killer to come forward? The really strange thing though was Joe brought Nick to the game with him. Said he was upset about Shannon and needed man time. I thought that was weird and so did the other guys. We talked about it after they left. They're all scared, Sunny. They don't know what to do.”

  I climbed down from Amber and paced around a bit. I felt what must be a full blown panic attack coming on. “Jesus, Dad, this is fucking huge and maybe really fucking bad! You could go to jail for this! What were you thinking?”

  “I was stupid and young and I honestly thought one of those men killed Brenda. I have my suspicions and if I'm right, I couldn't turn my own brother in, Sunny. It's different now. She was one worthless woman, there are three dead girls now and I can't live with that.”

  “Why the fuck are you telling me this and why do you think it’s Uncle Joe? Oh, shit I'm gonna be sick.” I bent at the waist and heaved until nothing more would come up. I felt my father's hand on my back. I wiped my mouth and stood to look at him. He was the same man I've loved my whole life. He was the same man who read me bedtime stories and taught me how to ride a horse. The same man who still kissed my mother goodbye every time he left the house and told her 'I love you' at least three times a day.

  “Oh, Daddy you might be in a world of shit,” I said and felt the tears coming. He pulled me into him, rubbing my head like he used to do when I'd had a bad dream. “It's going to be okay, Sunshine. I told you because I want you to tell Matt. I've contacted a lawyer already.” I pulled away and paced again.

  “Does Mom know?”

  “Yes. I promised her the day she forgave me that I would never lie to her. I'd never keep anything from her. She's always known.”

  “How could she keep that secret all these years?” My mother knew, Betty fucking Crocker. Miss Bake Cookies to feel better and don't say a fucking curse word knew that my father helped cover up a damn murder.

  “Because she hated Brenda, probably similar to how you felt about Keely.”

  “I never wanted Keely dead.”

  “But you didn't feel sad when she died did you? Maybe a little relief? After all she broke up more than your marriage. She wasn't going to stop what she was doing any more than her mother would have stopped. Your mother didn't want Brenda Braxton dead any more than you wanted Keely dead but she didn't feel remorse when she died. When we hid her body we thought we were doing the right thing to protect Keely. She was just a baby. We thought about her living with the thought of abandonment. We figured her growing up with the love of Father Henry was better than her knowing her mother was brutally murdered. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. I didn't know at the time that it could be my damned brother. Yeah, I always knew Uncle Joe was different and he could be violent at times but I never imagined he was a murderer. It wasn't until the poker game that it all started to make sense. The way he questioned Nick about Shannon. The way he reminded us about Brenda and the fact that he only grabbed two beers all night but stumbled out like he was drunk.”

  As much as I wanted to tell him he was wrong about the way I felt when Keely's body was found, I couldn't, because honesty has always been my strongest suit. Times like this I thought it was a weakness. I didn't feel remorse when she died. I actually felt relief. I never would have wished it on her but what was done was done, and I wasn't sad about it. Could I have helped Matt keep this kind of secret for so many years? Would I help him? If I was being honest, I probably would. I wasn't so different from my mother, but the similarities in our situations were startling and a little weird.

  “What did your lawyer say, Dad? Does he think you'll be held for Obstruction of Justice or anything else?”

  “He thinks as long as I fully cooperate I won't be charged with anything, but I'm willing to do whatever it takes to bring this sick asshole to justice.”

  “How are your buddies going to feel about you going to the police? How's Joe going to feel about it? After all, they could all be looking at jail time. Won't they be pissed?”

  “Yeah, I am sure of it. That's why I'm sending your mother on a little vacation and it would be smart for you to go with her but I'm sure most of the guys will do what's right and come forward. I'm really only worried about Joe.”

  “Dad, I can't leave. I have the kids.”

  “Take them with you.”

  “No, I'm not running but I agree, Mom should go. I have Matt here. I'll be safe. Plus I'm on 24-7 surveillance meaning I'm not allowed to be alone at all.”

  “This might get messy, Sunshine. At least send the kids with Mom. They'll have a great time.”

  “I'll talk to Matt about it. Come on, we should get back. We're having a dinner tonight to announce Matt and I getting back together. I'm sure Trish and Dade will be there. I'll talk to Matt and Dade together. They're good cops, Dad. I'm sure we can figure out a way to keep your name out of this.” I climbed up on Amber and offered my dad a weak smile. He returned one to me before climbing up on his beast. We rode like hell back to the house making it back before the sun was high in the sky. I was tying Amber up to a post when I heard Danica screaming. It wasn't her normal kind of cry. I looked at my dad, and his face had gone deathly pale. He took off sprinting towards the house with me close behind him. My foot had barely reached the first porch step when I heard sirens coming up the driveway.

  We found my mother laying on the kitchen floor, unconscious. Elijah was sitting next to her with the phone in his hand. “Oh my God.” I heard myself say before grabbing my son and holding him close. My dad sank down beside my mom, bending his ear to her chest, his fingers on her neck. “She's alive,” he announced. “Oh thank God. Are you okay, baby?” I asked my son, who seemed unharmed, just a little shaken. Danica was still screaming so I sat Elijah on the couch and picked her up out of her playpen. Seconds later EMTs burst through the door, a gurney at their side. I let out the breath I'd been holding. She'd be okay now. She had to be okay. I pulled my baby's close and watched as they quickly examined my mother and stuck an IV in her arm. It seemed like only minutes had passed, and they had her set up to portable monitors. She was on the gurney, and they were wheeling her to the ambulance. “I'm going with her,” my father said. “Yeah, Dad go. I'll be right behind you.” I watched out the window as they lifted her into the ambulance, with my dad close behind.

  “Sunny, are you okay?” I heard a familiar voice and turned to see Dade standing there. “Oh, thank God it's you, Dade,” I said and fell into his arms unable to control the wracking sobs that were assaulting my body. I found comfort in Dade's arms, and he allowed me to cry while he comforted me. “Do you know what happened?” He finally asked, and I found the strength to pull away.

  “No, Dad and I were out on a ride and this is how we found her. Elijah was holding the phone so I think he called 9-1-1,” I said as Matt burst through the door. “Sunny, Elijah,” he called out. I handed Dani to Dade and ran into Matt's arms. “Oh Jesus you're okay. Where are the kids?” He asked. “In the front room with Dade,” I said and felt my body begin to tremble. He pulled me close again, showering my head with kisses. “What happened?” He asked while leading me to the kids and Dade. I was shaking uncontrollably but trying to keep my shit together in front of Elijah.

  “I don't know what happened, Matt, but Elijah called for help. He's Grandma's little hero, aren't you, baby?” I bent down to kiss my boy who seemed lost in his own world. “Where were you?” Matt asked. “My dad took me on a ride on the horses and dropped a fucking bombshell in my lap, Matt. We have a lot to talk about, the three of us,” I said, including Dade. “Can you tell if my mom was attacked?” I asked.

  “They're trying to determine that as we speak. I should go help them,” Dade said before handing Dani back to me. “Yeah, me too,” Matt said but Dade raised a hand up. “No bro, stay here with your family. Trust me, I got this.
”

  “Thanks, man.”

  “You don't have to thank me, just take care of your family,” Dade replied before walking away.

  Matt pulled Danica, Elijah and I close to him and held us there for what only seemed like seconds before he released us and sat on the couch with me beside him. Elijah scuttled off to the corner to play with his trains. He was unusually quiet. “I have to ask Elijah what he saw, Sunny,” he said quietly.

  “Really, I think he's been through enough,” I whispered back firmly.

  “I know he has. I'll take it easy, Sunny, Jesus he's my son. Trust me.” I didn't like it, but Matt was right. If someone had been in the house, Elijah might have seen them. It was better for his dad to talk to him where he was comfortable then another officer at the station. “Fine, but don't push.” He gave me a knowing look.

  “Elijah, come here and talk to Daddy,” I said to him. He stopped playing with the train. “Climb on up here, son. Are you okay?” Matt asked as Elijah climbed onto his lap. The boy was growing like a weed and would soon be too big to sit on his daddy's lap like that. He shook his little head ‘yes’ in response to Matt's question.