Phules Paradise

by Robert Asprin

  "Of all the possible outcomes of this debacle," Battleax continued, shaking her head, "the one thing I never thought I'd see was Maxine Pruet presenting you with a unit commendation-on stellarwide network, no less-with the gratitude of the Lorelei Casino Owners Association for successfully preventing organized crime from taking over the Fat Chance Casino!"

  She let out a sudden bark of laughter, nearly spilling her drink.

  "I thought she handled it rather well ... all things considered," Phule said, grinning. "Actually, though, it was a logical move for her, if you stop to think about it. I mean, she is the president of the association, which isn't surprising considering that she owns the lion's share of all the casinos on the space stations except the Fat Chance. By making a big thing of organized crime being repelled from the Fat Chance, she implies that it's not anywhere else on Lorelei. Basically she got a lot of favorable free publicity out of a bad situation. She's a sharp old bird, I'll give her that. Oh well, at least Jennie got her exclusive story."

  "True," the colonel said. "Of course, the way she glossed things over with half-truths and distortions, there might be a bigger future for her as a popular-fiction, writer. I had trouble sorting out exactly what happened, and I was there-for most of it, anyway."

  "Just one thing puzzles me, Captain," Armstrong said from his seat on the sofa. "What was that bit she was saying about welcoming you to the Casino Owners Association?"

  The company commander made a face, then took another sip of brandy before answering.

  "I was going to sit on this for a while," he said, "but we might be stuck with part ownership of the Fat Chance for a while."

  The lieutenant frowned. "How so? I thought our share was going back to Rafael once he paid off the loan."

  "That's the problem," Phule said. "I had a meeting with Gunther earlier today, and it seems he might not be able to pay off the loan."

  "Why not?" Battleax demanded. "I thought you and your hard cases pretty much eliminated the cheats that were going to bleed off the profits."

  "We did," Phule said. "The trouble is, there wasn't that much profit to start with. Gunther's big plan was to draw customers by giving better odds that the other casinos on Lorelei. Unfortunately the odds he gave were so favorable to the guests that his profit margin was next to nothing. The reason I haven't said anything is that I'm still trying to makeup my mind as to where to go from here. Do we give him an extension of the loan, or do we go ahead and accumulate forty-nine percent of the ownership?"

  "Something you might want to consider, Captain," the colonel said, staring into her glass as she twirled it between her hands. "Mr. Rafael may not want to buy back your shares. I can see certain advantages to him in keeping you as a silent partner, with a vested interest in the continued success of the Fat Chance."

  "It's funny you should say that." The commander smiled wryly. "Beeker raised the same point. I may want to make a quick audit of Gunther's books at some point. At the very least, I want him to ease his payout odds down until they're more in line with the other casinos."

  "By the way, where is Beeker?" Rembrandt said, peering around the room as if expecting to discover the butler hiding behind the furniture. "I'd like to buy him a drink sometime now that things have eased up a little."

  "He has the night off," Phule said. "In fact, I believe he has a date."

  "You mean with the Ice Bitch again?" Rembrandt scowled. "I don't know why you don't try harder to discourage that, Captain. That woman gives me the creepy-crawlies."

  "I figure who Beeker sees is his own business," the commander said. "Since you asked, though, I believe he's seeing Dee Dee Watkins tonight."

  "Now, there's a mismatch," the lieutenant growled, refilling her glass.

  "You see something wrong with a starlet showing interest in a lowly butler?" Phule said, his voice chilling slightly.

  "No ... I mean I don't know what he sees in her."

  "I do," Armstrong smirked.

  Rembrandt stuck her tongue out at him.

  "Speaking of Ms. Watkins," Armstrong said, "there is a situation that's come up that you should be aware of, Captain."

  "Now what?"

  "Well, sir"-Armstrong sneaked a wink at Rembrandt, who grinned in return-"you know that fake holo-movie we threw together as an excuse to evacuate the complex? It seems we've gotten a raft of calls both from people who want to invest in the film as backers and from outfits that want to bid on exclusive distribution rights. So far Mother's just been taking names and messages, but eventually someone is going to have to call them back and let them all know there's no movie. Remmie and I have talked it over, and we agree that you're the logical person to handle that ... sir."

  The commander frowned. "Why?"

  "Well, aside from the fact that you have more experience dealing with money people, there's the fact that-"

  "No," Phule interrupted. "I meant why tell them that there's no movie?"

  "Sir?"

  "Why not just form a film company and make the movie? Between the backers and the distributors, you already have the main necessary ingredient: money. If anything, it sounds like it might be a worthwhile investment for the company fund."

  "But we don't know anything about making movies!" Armstrong protested.

  "So hire people that do to run it for us," the commander said. "People like ... say, actors and stuntmen? Maybe even a cameraman? I'll bet that any aspect of the industry they can't cover, they'll know someone who can."

  "My God!" Battleax said, starting to giggle uncontrollably. "That's so outrageous, it just might work!"

  "No reason why it shouldn't," Phule said. "It's got a lot more going for it than most of the companies I bought or founded when I was first starting out. Heck; we even have Dee Dee Watkins signed to a multiple-movie contract."

  "She's going to scream bloody murder when she finds out," Rembrandt said. "Can I be the one to tell her, Captain? Please?"

  "First, let me review the contract with Lex," the commander insisted. "I think we're going to have to renegotiate it with fairer terms. It doesn't really pay in the long run to have your contract help sullen and bitter because they think they're being exploited."

  "Oh, that's no fun!" Rembrandt said, dropping into a mock sulk.

  Phule grinned. "You'd be surprised, Lieutenant. I didn't say we were going to give her a super offer just something a bit fairer than what she's already signed. If anything, it can be a real hoot negotiating a new contract with someone who's already signed off on a bad deal, especially if they know that if they don't agree to the new terms, the old deal stands. If you'd like, you can handle the first rounds on that discussion."

  "Thank you, sir!" The lieutenant beamed, and blew him a kiss, to boot.

  "You know, Captain Jester," Battleax said, "the more I hear about this, the more I find myself thinking about investing some of my own money in it, if there's still openings for new backers. Perhaps we can discuss it over dinner-that and a few other things."

  "A few other things like what, Colonel?" Phule said warily.

  Battleax hesitated, glanced at the lieutenants, then shrugged.

  "I suppose there's no harm in at least mentioning this in the current company." She smiled. "After seeing your junior officers in action, I think it's time we discussed their next promotion. If you agree with me, I think they're just about ready for commands of their own."

  Startled by this unexpected turn in the conversation, the lieutenants exchanged glances.

  "I ... That really isn't necessary, Colonel," Rembrandt stammered. "I can't speak for Lieutenant Armstrong, but I'm quite happy right where I am."

  "If given a choice, sir," Armstrong said, "I'd prefer to continue my training under Captain Jester."

  "We'll see," the colonel said. "In the meantime ..."

  She broke off with a frown as Phule's wrist communicator began to beep insistently.

  "Really, Captain. Isn't there any way you can put a Do Not Disturb sign on that thing?"

>   "As a matter of fact, I did," Phule said as he opened the channel. "Jester here!"

  "Hey, Big Daddy!" Mother's voice chirped at him. "Sorry to bother you, but I got General Blitzkrieg on the line. You up to talking to him, or should I tell him you're in jail overnight?"

  "I'll take it," the commander said. "Hang on a second."

  "Shall we leave, Captain?" Armstrong offered, starting to rise to his feet.

  "Don't bother," Phule said. "But it might be better if you could all move to the far side of the room, so the holo cameras can't pick you up."

  He waited for a moment while his visitors gathered up their drinks and moved over against the wall, then opened communications again.

  "All right, Mother," he said. "Patch him through on the regular communications gear."

  "You got it. Here he comes."

  Phule stepped in front of the communications console that was a part of the furnishing of his quarters and/or office wherever he went, and a few seconds later the image of General Blitzkrieg materialized before him.

  "Good evening, General," he said.

  "I caught your showboating for the media, Captain Jester," Blitzkrieg growled without greeting or preamble. "Looks like you came out smelling like a rose ... again."

  "Thank you, sir," Phule said gravely. "It was-"

  "Of course," the general continued, ignoring the response, "I also saw some preliminary footage from what's supposed to be a new holo-movie being shot there on Lorelei ... except that it has some of your troops in it, and they're doing an incredible amount of damage to the very complex they're supposed to be guarding!"

  "Nothing to worry about there, General," the commander said smoothly. "The occupant of the room in question has agreed to pay for the necessary repairs and renovations."

  "Why would he do that?" Blitzkrieg scowled. "It's clear that it's your pack of hell-raisers who are doing the damage."

  "Well, there's the fact that legally whoever rents a room is responsible for any damages to the facility," Phule explained. "As to my troops actually causing the damage, the truth is they were sort of invited to take that action, by the room's occupant-and it's a she, sir, not a he. In fact, it's the same woman you saw presenting me and my unit with the commendation."

  "Sort of invited?" the general growled, catching the careful phrasing. "I'd like to hear some more details on that, if you don't mind. First, though, I want to know what your troops are doing appearing in a holo-movie in Space Legion uniforms."

  "That's easy enough to explain, sir," the commander said. "As you yourself just said, sir, that was preliminary footage only. My troops were simply standing in while the camera angles were being blocked out. I can assure the general that they will not be present in the final version when it's released."

  "I see," Blitzkrieg said grimly. "Well, Captain, while I have you on the line, there are a few other matters I want to know about. For example ..."

  "Good evening, General," Battleax said, leaving her place by the wall and stepping in front of the camera.

  The general gaped. "Colonel Battleax! What are you doing there? I thought you were-"

  "On vacation?" the colonel purred. "I was ... as you very well know. It just so happens that my itinerary included a stop on Lorelei. You can imagine my surprise when I ran into Captain Jester and his troops here, especially since I hadn't heard a thing about this assignment before I left Headquarters."

  "Ummm ... yes, of course," Blitzkrieg mumbled, obviously uncomfortable. "So you were in charge when all this was happening?"

  "Not at all." Battleax smiled. "I'm merely a tourist while I'm on vacation. In fact, great pains were taken to be sure everyone knew I wasn't in the chain of command here."

  "I ..."

  "No need to apologize, General," the colonel continued. "I can understand your concern that I might have inadvertently usurped your power, but I can assure you that you're still responsible for everything that Captain Jester and his troops do on this assignment."

  "What's that?" The general looked stricken.

  "I'm simply reminding you that as the one who gave this assignment to Captain Jester, you are his immediate superior officer for the duration, and as such are ultimately responsible for anything he might do or order while under your direct command," Battleax explained. "Of course, if no inquiries are convened and no one of civil or Legion authority openly questions his activities, then nothing out of the ordinary will ever show in the records and the entire assignment will be filed as being routine. Do you see my point, General?"

  "Yes, I see," Blitzkrieg growled.

  "I thought you would. Now, unless there's anything else of an urgent nature, do you mind if we conclude this interview? Captain Jester and I were just enjoying a quiet drink in his room."

  The general looked startled.

  "Oh ... I didn't realize ... of course. Anything else I have can wait until a more convenient time. Good night, Colonel ... Captain. Be sure to let me know when the new recruits arrive."

  "Wait a minute. New Recruits?" Phule was suddenly alert. "Excuse me, General Blitzkrieg, but I thought you agreed to hold off on any new recruits or transfers until I had a chance to get my outfit into shape."

  "I did," Blitzkrieg said with an evil grin. "But I don't think you object to these-most of them, anyway. The others, you can't object to."

  "Could you explain that a little more, sir?"

  "Well ... I don't want to intrude, so I'll keep this short. You're getting a trio of Gambolts ... you know, the Cats?

  They're the first Gambolts to ever enlist in the Space Legion instead of joining their own unit in the Regular Army-which is a feather in our cap-but they signed on under the express condition that they be assigned to your unit. It seems your showboating for the media is finally paying some dividends."

  "I suppose that if-"

  "The next one isn't really a recruit," the general continued. "He's an observer, sent by the Zenobians to study our tactics and ethics prior to their signing a treaty with us. You remember the Zenobians, don't you, Captain? Those little lizards you tangled with back in Haskin's Planet?"

  "Of course, sir. I ..."

  "Since you were the first human to make contact with them, the government felt, and I agreed with them, that you would be the logical choice to deal with their observer. He remembers you, by the way. Even asked for you by name ... except he remembers it as `Captain Clown.'"

  "I see." Phule scowled. "Is that all, sir?"

  "Not quite." The general grinned. "The last one we're sending you is in response to your request."

  "My request, sir?"

  "Yes. I have it right here." Blitzkrieg held up a sheet of paper. "It took me a while to find just the right Legionnaire to fit your needs. Captain, knowing as I do how selective you are, but I think I've got what you need. You requested a chaplain for your company, and I'm sending you one. Don't ever say that Headquarters doesn't give you the support you deserve. Blitzkrieg out."

  For several moments the four officers stared silently at the empty space left by the general's image after he broke the connection.

  "Sir?" Armstrong said at last. "A chaplain?"

  "It's a long story, Lieutenant," Phule said, rubbing his forehead with one hand. "To be honest with you, I had forgotten completely about making the request."

  "I'd watch my step if I were you, Captain," Colonel Battleax advised. "The general's dislike for you doesn't seem to be mellowing with time."

  "We'll manage," the commander said. "However, in honor of the general and to celebrate the assignment, I'd like to propose a toast. I'm blatantly stealing it, but it somehow seems appropriate."

  He raised his glass toward his colleagues.

  "To honorable enemies and dishonorable friends!"

  In a casino restaurant elsewhere on Lorelei, another discussion of a totally different nature was taking place.

  "I've got to admit, Max," Laverna was saying, "you're taking this a lot better than I thought you would."


  Maxine frowned. "Taking what?"

  "You know ... having to back off from Willard Phule and his crew. I know it goes against the grain for you to throw in the towel."

  "Don't be silly, Laverna." Max smiled. "We're far from done with young Mr. Phule. I thought you realized that."

  Laverna cocked her head in surprise.

  "You're going back on your word? I've never known you to do that, Max."

  "Who said I was going back on my word?" the crime kingpin said. "All I promised was to abandon my efforts to gain control of the Fat Chance-a plan which, you'll recall, we had already all but given up on. Of course, you and I know that just because the Fat Chance is safe from me doesn't mean it's safe. What's more, as far as `safe' goes, I said nothing about leaving Mr. Phule and his force alone."

  "That's true," Laverna admitted.

  "It occurs to me that a lot of people saw that transmission today, when I effectively announced to one and all that the Fat Chance was outside my sphere of influence."

  "You mean you think some of the other families might have seen it?"

  "Or the Yakusa," Max acknowledged. "Remember, we both found the tale our fraudulent Jonesy told possible enough to take him seriously. As a matter of fact, just in case they missed it, I'm sending them a copy of the tape, along with a personal note. Even if they aren't interested in the Fat Chance, I'm sure they'll be fascinated by the news that someone was posing as their representative. I'm also making inquiries as to whether or not a certain bartender did indeed ever ride with the Outlaws Hover Cycle Club, and if he did, under what circumstances he left their company."

  Laverna leaned back in her chair and stared at her employer.

  "You're really pulling out the stops on this one, aren't you?"

  "As you pointed out, Laverna, I don't like to lose. However, you seem to have missed completely the most dubious maneuver I've pulled. It's not surprising, really. Young Mr. Phule seems to have missed it as well."

  "What was that?"

  Maxine's eyes narrowed as she looked into the distance.