Right Ho, Jeeves

by P. G. Wodehouse

  -6-

  Gussie, on arrival, proved to be still showing traces of his grimexperience. The face was pale, the eyes gooseberry-like, the earsdrooping, and the whole aspect that of a man who has passed through thefurnace and been caught in the machinery. I hitched myself up a bithigher on the pillows and gazed at him narrowly. It was a moment, I couldsee, when first aid was required, and I prepared to get down to cases.

  "Well, Gussie."

  "Hullo, Bertie."

  "What ho."

  "What ho."

  These civilities concluded, I felt that the moment had come to touchdelicately on the past.

  "I hear you've been through it a bit."

  "Yes."

  "Thanks to Jeeves."

  "It wasn't Jeeves's fault."

  "Entirely Jeeves's fault."

  "I don't see that. I forgot my money and latchkey----"

  "And now you'd better forget Jeeves. For you will be interested to hear,Gussie," I said, deeming it best to put him in touch with the position ofaffairs right away, "that he is no longer handling your little problem."

  This seemed to slip it across him properly. The jaws fell, the earsdrooped more limply. He had been looking like a dead fish. He now lookedlike a deader fish, one of last year's, cast up on some lonely beach andleft there at the mercy of the wind and tides.

  "What!"

  "Yes."

  "You don't mean that Jeeves isn't going to----"

  "No."

  "But, dash it----"

  I was kind, but firm.

  "You will be much better off without him. Surely your terribleexperiences of that awful night have told you that Jeeves needs a rest.The keenest of thinkers strikes a bad patch occasionally. That is whathas happened to Jeeves. I have seen it coming on for some time. He haslost his form. He wants his plugs decarbonized. No doubt this is a shockto you. I suppose you came here this morning to seek his advice?"

  "Of course I did."

  "On what point?"

  "Madeline Bassett has gone to stay with these people in the country, andI want to know what he thinks I ought to do."

  "Well, as I say, Jeeves is off the case."

  "But, Bertie, dash it----"

  "Jeeves," I said with a certain asperity, "is no longer on the case. I amnow in sole charge."

  "But what on earth can you do?"

  I curbed my resentment. We Woosters are fair-minded. We can makeallowances for men who have been parading London all night in scarlettights.

  "That," I said quietly, "we shall see. Sit down and let us confer. I ambound to say the thing seems quite simple to me. You say this girl hasgone to visit friends in the country. It would appear obvious that youmust go there too, and flock round her like a poultice. Elementary."

  "But I can't plant myself on a lot of perfect strangers."

  "Don't you know these people?"

  "Of course I don't. I don't know anybody."

  I pursed the lips. This did seem to complicate matters somewhat.

  "All that I know is that their name is Travers, and it's a place calledBrinkley Court down in Worcestershire."

  I unpursed my lips.

  "Gussie," I said, smiling paternally, "it was a lucky day for you whenBertram Wooster interested himself in your affairs. As I foresaw from thestart, I can fix everything. This afternoon you shall go to BrinkleyCourt, an honoured guest."

  He quivered like a _mousse_. I suppose it must always be rather athrilling experience for the novice to watch me taking hold.

  "But, Bertie, you don't mean you know these Traverses?"

  "They are my Aunt Dahlia."

  "My gosh!"

  "You see now," I pointed out, "how lucky you were to get me behind you.You go to Jeeves, and what does he do? He dresses you up in scarlettights and one of the foulest false beards of my experience, and sendsyou off to fancy-dress balls. Result, agony of spirit and no progress. Ithen take over and put you on the right lines. Could Jeeves have got youinto Brinkley Court? Not a chance. Aunt Dahlia isn't his aunt. I merelymention these things."

  "By Jove, Bertie, I don't know how to thank you."

  "My dear chap!"

  "But, I say."

  "Now what?"

  "What do I do when I get there?"

  "If you knew Brinkley Court, you would not ask that question. In thoseromantic surroundings you can't miss. Great lovers through the ages havefixed up the preliminary formalities at Brinkley. The place is simply illwith atmosphere. You will stroll with the girl in the shady walks. Youwill sit with her on the shady lawns. You will row on the lake with her.And gradually you will find yourself working up to a point where----"

  "By Jove, I believe you're right."

  "Of course, I'm right. I've got engaged three times at Brinkley. Nobusiness resulted, but the fact remains. And I went there without thefoggiest idea of indulging in the tender pash. I hadn't the slightestintention of proposing to anybody. Yet no sooner had I entered thoseromantic grounds than I found myself reaching out for the nearest girl insight and slapping my soul down in front of her. It's something in theair."

  "I see exactly what you mean. That's just what I want to be able todo--work up to it. And in London--curse the place--everything's in such arush that you don't get a chance."

  "Quite. You see a girl alone for about five minutes a day, and if youwant to ask her to be your wife, you've got to charge into it as if youwere trying to grab the gold ring on a merry-go-round."

  "That's right. London rattles one. I shall be a different man altogetherin the country. What a bit of luck this Travers woman turning out to beyour aunt."

  "I don't know what you mean, turning out to be my aunt. She has been myaunt all along."

  "I mean, how extraordinary that it should be your aunt that Madeline'sgoing to stay with."

  "Not at all. She and my Cousin Angela are close friends. At Cannes shewas with us all the time."

  "Oh, you met Madeline at Cannes, did you? By Jove, Bertie," said the poorlizard devoutly, "I wish I could have seen her at Cannes. How wonderfulshe must have looked in beach pyjamas! Oh, Bertie----"

  "Quite," I said, a little distantly. Even when restored by one ofJeeves's depth bombs, one doesn't want this sort of thing after a hardnight. I touched the bell and, when Jeeves appeared, requested him tobring me telegraph form and pencil. I then wrote a well-wordedcommunication to Aunt Dahlia, informing her that I was sending my friend,Augustus Fink-Nottle, down to Brinkley today to enjoy her hospitality,and handed it to Gussie.

  "Push that in at the first post office you pass," I said. "She will findit waiting for her on her return."

  Gussie popped along, flapping the telegram and looking like a close-up ofJoan Crawford, and I turned to Jeeves and gave him a precis of myoperations.

  "Simple, you observe, Jeeves. Nothing elaborate."

  "No, sir."

  "Nothing far-fetched. Nothing strained or bizarre. Just Nature's remedy."

  "Yes, sir."

  "This is the attack as it should have been delivered. What do you call itwhen two people of opposite sexes are bunged together in closeassociation in a secluded spot, meeting each other every day and seeing alot of each other?"

  "Is 'propinquity' the word you wish, sir?"

  "It is. I stake everything on propinquity, Jeeves. Propinquity, in myopinion, is what will do the trick. At the moment, as you are aware,Gussie is a mere jelly when in the presence. But ask yourself how he willfeel in a week or so, after he and she have been helping themselves tosausages out of the same dish day after day at the breakfast sideboard.Cutting the same ham, ladling out communal kidneys and bacon--why----"

  I broke off abruptly. I had had one of my ideas.

  "Golly, Jeeves!"

  "Sir?"

  "Here's an instance of how you have to think of everything. You heard memention sausages, kidneys and bacon and ham."

  "Yes, sir."

  "Well, there must be nothing of that. Fatal. The wrong note entirely.Give me that telegraph form and pencil. I
must warn Gussie without delay.What he's got to do is to create in this girl's mind the impression thathe is pining away for love of her. This cannot be done by wolfingsausages."

  "No, sir."

  "Very well, then."

  And, taking form and _p._, I drafted the following:

  _Fink-Nottle

  Brinkley Court,

  Market Snodsbury

  Worcestershire

  Lay off the sausages. Avoid the ham. Bertie._

  "Send that off, Jeeves, instanter."

  "Very good, sir."

  I sank back on the pillows.

  "Well, Jeeves," I said, "you see how I am taking hold. You notice thegrip I am getting on this case. No doubt you realize now that it wouldpay you to study my methods."

  "No doubt, sir."

  "And even now you aren't on to the full depths of the extraordinarysagacity I've shown. Do you know what brought Aunt Dahlia up here thismorning? She came to tell me I'd got to distribute the prizes at somebeastly seminary she's a governor of down at Market Snodsbury."

  "Indeed, sir? I fear you will scarcely find that a congenial task."

  "Ah, but I'm not going to do it. I'm going to shove it off on to Gussie."

  "Sir?"

  "I propose, Jeeves, to wire to Aunt Dahlia saying that I can't get down,and suggesting that she unleashes him on these young Borstal inmates ofhers in my stead."

  "But if Mr. Fink-Nottle should decline, sir?"

  "Decline? Can you see him declining? Just conjure up the picture in yourmind, Jeeves. Scene, the drawing-room at Brinkley; Gussie wedged into acorner, with Aunt Dahlia standing over him making hunting noises. I putit to you, Jeeves, can you see him declining?"

  "Not readily, sir. I agree. Mrs. Travers is a forceful personality."

  "He won't have a hope of declining. His only way out would be to slideoff. And he can't slide off, because he wants to be with Miss Bassett.No, Gussie will have to toe the line, and I shall be saved from a job atwhich I confess the soul shuddered. Getting up on a platform anddelivering a short, manly speech to a lot of foul school-kids! Golly,Jeeves. I've been through that sort of thing once, what? You rememberthat time at the girls' school?"

  "Very vividly, sir."

  "What an ass I made of myself!"

  "Certainly I have seen you to better advantage, sir."

  "I think you might bring me just one more of those dynamite specials ofyours, Jeeves. This narrow squeak has made me come over all faint."

  I suppose it must have taken Aunt Dahlia three hours or so to get back toBrinkley, because it wasn't till well after lunch that her telegramarrived. It read like a telegram that had been dispatched in a white-hotsurge of emotion some two minutes after she had read mine.

  As follows:

  _Am taking legal advice to ascertain whether strangling an idiot nephewcounts as murder. If it doesn't look out for yourself. Consider yourconduct frozen limit. What do you mean by planting your loathsome friendson me like this? Do you think Brinkley Court is a leper colony or what isit? Who is this Spink-Bottle? Love. Travers._

  I had expected some such initial reaction. I replied in temperate vein:

  _Not Bottle. Nottle. Regards. Bertie._

  Almost immediately after she had dispatched the above heart cry, Gussiemust have arrived, for it wasn't twenty minutes later when I received thefollowing:

  _Cipher telegram signed by you has reached me here. Runs "Lay off thesausages. Avoid the ham." Wire key immediately. Fink-Nottle._

  I replied:

  _Also kidneys. Cheerio. Bertie._

  I had staked all on Gussie making a favourable impression on his hostess,basing my confidence on the fact that he was one of those timid,obsequious, teacup-passing, thin-bread-and-butter-offering yes-men whomwomen of my Aunt Dahlia's type nearly always like at first sight. That Ihad not overrated my acumen was proved by her next in order, which, I waspleased to note, assayed a markedly larger percentage of the milk ofhuman kindness.

  As follows:

  _Well, this friend of yours has got here, and I must say that for afriend of yours he seems less sub-human than I had expected. A bit of apop-eyed bleater, but on the whole clean and civil, and certainly mostinformative about newts. Am considering arranging series of lectures forhim in neighbourhood. All the same I like your nerve using my house as asummer-hotel resort and shall have much to say to you on subject when youcome down. Expect you thirtieth. Bring spats. Love. Travers._

  To this I riposted:

  _On consulting engagement book find impossible come Brinkley Court.Deeply regret. Toodle-oo. Bertie._

  Hers in reply stuck a sinister note:

  _Oh, so it's like that, is it? You and your engagement book, indeed.Deeply regret my foot. Let me tell you, my lad, that you will regret it ajolly sight more deeply if you don't come down. If you imagine for onemoment that you are going to get out of distributing those prizes, youare very much mistaken. Deeply regret Brinkley Court hundred miles fromLondon, as unable hit you with a brick. Love. Travers._

  I then put my fortune to the test, to win or lose it all. It was not amoment for petty economies. I let myself go regardless of expense:

  _No, but dash it, listen. Honestly, you don't want me. Get Fink-Nottledistribute prizes. A born distributor, who will do you credit.Confidently anticipate Augustus Fink-Nottle as Master of Revels onthirty-first inst. would make genuine sensation. Do not miss this greatchance, which may never occur again. Tinkerty-tonk. Bertie._

  There was an hour of breathless suspense, and then the joyful tidingsarrived:

  _Well, all right. Something in what you say, I suppose. Consider youtreacherous worm and contemptible, spineless cowardly custard, but havebooked Spink-Bottle. Stay where you are, then, and I hope you get runover by an omnibus. Love. Travers._

  The relief, as you may well imagine, was stupendous. A great weightseemed to have rolled off my mind. It was as if somebody had been pouringJeeves's pick-me-ups into me through a funnel. I sang as I dressed fordinner that night. At the Drones I was so gay and cheery that there wereseveral complaints. And when I got home and turned into the old bed, Ifell asleep like a little child within five minutes of inserting theperson between the sheets. It seemed to me that the whole distressingaffair might now be considered definitely closed.

  Conceive my astonishment, therefore, when waking on the morrow andsitting up to dig into the morning tea-cup, I beheld on the tray anothertelegram.

  My heart sank. Could Aunt Dahlia have slept on it and changed her mind?Could Gussie, unable to face the ordeal confronting him, have legged itduring the night down a water-pipe? With these speculations racingthrough the bean, I tore open the envelope And as I noted contents Iuttered a startled yip.

  "Sir?" said Jeeves, pausing at the door.

  I read the thing again. Yes, I had got the gist all right. No, I had notbeen deceived in the substance.

  "Jeeves," I said, "do you know what?"

  "No, sir."

  "You know my cousin Angela?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "You know young Tuppy Glossop?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "They've broken off their engagement."

  "I am sorry to hear that, sir."

  "I have here a communication from Aunt Dahlia, specifically stating this.I wonder what the row was about."

  "I could not say, sir."

  "Of course you couldn't. Don't be an ass, Jeeves."

  "No, sir."

  I brooded. I was deeply moved.

  "Well, this means that we shall have to go down to Brinkley today. AuntDahlia is obviously all of a twitter, and my place is by her side. Youhad better pack this morning, and catch that 12.45 train with theluggage. I have a lunch engagement, so will follow in the car."

  "Very good, sir."

  I brooded some more.

  "I must say this has come as a great shock to me, Jeeves."

  "No doubt, sir."

  "A very great shock. Angela and Tuppy.... Tut, tut! Why, they seemed likethe paper on the w
all. Life is full of sadness, Jeeves."

  "Yes, sir."

  "Still, there it is."

  "Undoubtedly, sir."

  "Right ho, then. Switch on the bath."

  "Very good, sir."