Home for Christmas

by Lizzie Lane

  He hadn’t done anything wrong. They were broken up. He might not even be seeing Melanie, but if he was he had the right to date whoever he wanted and he was under no obligation to tell her about it. Her jealousy didn’t justify punishing him with silence.

  Or punishing herself, because the silent tension in the car was making her nuts.

  Taking a breath, she offered an olive branch. “Molly Willet had her baby.”

  “Oh yeah?” he said—feigning interest even though she was reasonably certain his mother had already told him all about it. “Boy or girl?”

  “Boy. Raymond James—she calls him Ray-Jay. Fattest baby you’ve ever seen. Sweet little bowling ball with arms.”

  “Are Mrs. Blake and Mr. Hinzel still fighting over that fence?” he asked, referring to two of the town’s most adversarial senior citizens.

  “Actually they finally found a solution. They’re getting married.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “All this time that shouting over the backyard fence was foreplay. Who knew?”

  Jase groaned. “I do not want to think of foreplay and two octogenarians in the same sentence. Did Everett Smith finally graduate?”

  They talked about safe topics—mostly White Falls gossip—until they were past Milwaukee. They munched on the wraps Sam had picked up, carefully avoiding anything personal—until Jase made a comment about the latest season of Survivor and Sam had to admit she hadn’t seen it.

  “That’s right,” he said absently. “You were on that show.”

  Silence threatened, looming over them ready to descend, but Sam fended it off. “It was a strange experience.”

  “Why did you do it?”

  “I told you. Elise—”

  “Nominated you, right. But why did you say yes?”

  Because all the magic went out of life when you left and I would try anything to get it back. She swallowed down those words, but found another equally honest—and embarrassing—answer. “This will probably sound stupid to you, but I thought it would be romantic. The dream dates. The exotic travel. Everything is designed to create these magical moments.” And I was desperate for magic.

  “And was it magical?”

  “Honestly? No. We’d be dancing on a pedestal, floating in the middle of a lagoon, the moonlight shining down on us and every time he kissed me—”

  Jase’s hands flexed on the wheel, tightening their grip.

  “—fountains would spring up out of the water around us, lit in a thousand different colors from below and dancing to the music that swelled dramatically and I would think to myself, ‘There has never been a more romantic setting than this.’ But it was romance from the outside in. It wasn’t romance that came from that little bubble of feeling deep inside when you feel like you could fly just because you’re close to him and it has nothing to do with where you are. The show works so hard to create these fairytale moments—rose petals and sunsets and the most romantic settings in the world—but none of them ever felt half as magical as…”

  As a single moment with you.

  She trailed off. Jase was her magic. Was he really going back to White Falls to be with someone else?

  “But you’re glad you did it?” he prompted.

  Sam thought it over and realized, possibly for the first time, “You know, I think I am.” The producers had made her sign a dozen confidentiality agreements, but she found herself confiding in him as they drove north. “I was never the kind of girl who longed for adventure. It never really mattered to me if I saw the world, but then suddenly I was learning how to dance the flamenco in Spain and riding a camel in Morocco and it was amazing.”

  “You gonna run off and become an adventurer now?”

  “Part of me wants to,” she admitted. “Part of me wants to see everything, every little corner of the world, but a bigger part is really looking forward to being home. Being so far away, I appreciated White Falls even more.”

  “That sounds like the Samantha I know.”

  “That’s just it. When I was on the show, I didn’t have to be the Samantha everyone knew. I was never alone—cameras were always watching, except in the bathrooms—but in a way I felt alone there. Not that I didn’t make friends. Caitlyn was so sweet and Elena—“ She released a short laugh. “You never knew what Elena was going to do. We’re all so different and we were all competing for the same guy, but there’s a certain bond with the girls who were in the trenches with me that I think will always be there.”

  “You make it sound like a battlefield.”

  “It was, in a way. But it was also amazing. I don’t know if this makes any sense, but I was so used to being surrounded by people who’ve known me all my life, people who already had an idea of who Samantha Whitney was. But being alone on the show, I had a chance to think about who I am separate from my town image and I realized I don’t have to be the good girl or the one who always puts her foot in her mouth. I could be the adventurous one. Or the flirty one. I could explore all these different parts of myself I didn’t even know I had. It was freeing.” She looked across the console at him, caught by a sudden thought. “Is that what California was for you? A chance to get away from all the expectations?”

  “Not really. For me, leaving was never about being someone else or escaping my image. I just wanted to see how far I could go. Everyone was always telling me what incredible potential I had and I wanted to test my limits.” He grimaced. “Be all that I could be.”

  “I’m glad you didn’t join the army.”

  “Sometimes work at the firm felt like boot camp. The craziest thing about the culture of success is that no one thinks it’s crazy to work eighty hour weeks. Everyone is hurrying to get to the top and it’s rare for anyone to stop and make time for one another. Not like they do in White Falls. An entire town taking a day off for a Christmas parade would be wildly unprofessional.”

  “Sounds like I would have hated it.”

  “Probably. It was strange—especially on the holidays when everyone was bitching about falling behind on projects rather than looking forward to time with family and friends. My colleagues weren’t my community so much as the other rowers in the boat with me and everyone resented the guy who took even a day off for himself. But part of me needed to see if I could hack it.”

  Sam listened intently as he continued to speak about his life at the coast. It didn’t sound like heaven, after all.

  But she didn’t miss the fact that he never once talked about leaving that life behind.

  They were north of Green Bay, wending on the smaller country roads up towards White Falls, when their easy progress was suddenly impeded by a road crew, clearing branches that must have fallen during the storm.

  Jase stopped in the line of cars waiting to be let through and immediately checked his watch. He’d been hiding it for the last hour, but she could see the stress on him of trying to make it to White Falls in time for his “appointment.”

  “Why don’t you just call Melanie and tell her you’ll be late? She’ll understand.”

  “It isn’t important.”

  “Obviously it is.” Obviously Melanie was.

  The cars in front of them began to move and Sam concentrated on staring at them, trying to maintain her calm and keep it together as jealousy threatened to pull her apart.

  “Melanie’s a nice girl,” she said as they cleared the end of the work zone and picked up speed again.

  “She is,” Jase agreed.

  Several miles passed in silence, until she couldn’t keep quiet any longer. “You’ve always had a lot in common.”

  “Who?” His attention stayed on the road and the clock.

  “You and Melanie.”

  “Oh. Yeah, I guess so.”

  “Shared ambitions.” Sam was trying so hard to be the bigger woman it hurt. “I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.”

  “Thanks, but I don’t think we’ll be together long. I’m pretty sure she’s leaving White Falls. I think that’s t
he only reason the bank has an opening.”

  Sam frowned. “But she’s going to California to be with you, isn’t she?”

  “Melanie?” Jase’s brow wrinkled with confusion. “Wait. What are we talking about?”

  “You. Dating Melanie.”

  “I’m not dating Melanie.” The shock in his voice seemed to validate the words. “I have no interest in dating Melanie.”

  “But you said you were seeing her tonight—”

  “For a job interview.”

  “What?” Suddenly her heart was racing with a complex grand slam of emotions.

  “I have an interview to get my old job back. So I can stay in White Falls and we can be together.”

  Hope with a fear chaser rushed through her veins.

  As if on cue, the car released a series of beeping chimes and died.

  *

  Jase cursed as the engine died. He guided the stalled car to the shoulder of the road—which was heaped with a snow berm up to his eyes and didn’t allow much space to maneuver the car out of traffic. Luckily there wasn’t much in the way of traffic—or maybe not so luckily since it had been about three or four miles since they passed the last town and this part of the country wasn’t known for reliable cell service.

  “You’re moving back to White Falls.”

  “If I get the job—which is looking less likely by the second.” He reached for his phone where it rested in an empty cup holder. Just as he’d thought. No service. He swore again. “How far back do you think that last town was? Three miles?”

  “You’re moving back,” she repeated.

  He looked over, half-expecting her to be happy, or surprised, or concerned that he was going to miss his shot at getting a job in White Falls, but what he saw glimmering in her eyes was something else entirely. If he didn’t know any better, he’d say she was angry.

  “I didn’t want to tell you about it until I knew I could provide for us,” he explained. “Do you have any reception?”

  “Provide for me?” she enunciated crisply.

  “Exactly. I’m moving back so we can be together again. To be with you.”

  “And how long have you wanted that?”

  “Pretty much since the day I left,” he admitted. “Though it took me a while to realize it.” For a second he forgot about making his appointment, forgot they were stranded on a country road in a broken down car and looked into the eyes of the love of his life. “I’ve missed you, Sam.”

  “And you didn’t think to tell me that?” she bit out. Definitely angry. “Preferably before I went on a reality television show to meet someone else? I could be engaged right now!”

  “But you aren’t.”

  “That isn’t the point! The point is we’re still making the same stupid mistakes we always made. Nothing has changed.”

  “That’s what I’ve been trying to say. I want to get back to where we were before, Sam. I don’t want anything to change.”

  “Well, I do.” She threw open the car door, shoving it a little when the edge caught on the hard-packed snow berm. As soon as she had enough space, she leapt out.

  “Sam!” he called after her, but the door had already slammed shut.

  Chapter Eleven – Compromises and Other Christmas Miracles

  “Sam!”

  She heard his car door open and close, heard his footsteps crunching into the snow as he chased after her, but she didn’t slow down. She didn’t know where she was walking, only that she needed to get away from him.

  “Samantha, come on.” His voice rumbled closer now. “Get back in the car.”

  She pivoted on her heel, almost taking him out with an elbow he walked so close. “I don’t want what we had before.” She shoved him back with a finger to his chest. “We didn’t listen. We didn’t talk. We just went along pushing down the problems and pretending everything was fine because that was easier, but that didn’t solve anything and it all just came bubbling back up to the surface again in the end and you left and that killed me. Do you understand? I can’t do that again.”

  “I’m sorry—”

  “Don’t be sorry! I don’t want you to be sorry. I want—I want—God, I don’t even know what I want, but I know we can’t go on making the same mistakes all over again. I love you, Jase. I love you so damn much it hurts, but I can’t do this.”

  She started to spin away, but his hands closed over her shoulders, holding her steady in front of him. “Sam—”

  “Let me go.”

  “I can’t do that. Even if I wanted to, I’m incapable of letting you go.”

  “It’s no use, Jase. We were together for ten years and we never learned to talk about the important things—or rather we were both great at talking but neither one of us ever learned to listen or compromise.”

  “I’m trying to compromise. That’s why I’m coming back.”

  “That isn’t compromise. That’s you making a decision for the both of us without talking to me. The same way we always did—never paying any attention to the fact that our plans were in conflict, just expecting that when push came to shove the other one would bend.”

  “I’m not asking you to bend! I’m trying to give you what you want. Don’t you want me to come home?”

  “I don’t know what I want anymore! I’ve spent the last year trying to figure out who I am without you and looking everywhere—even on reality television—for what I had with you.”

  “So have I—without the reality television part. So why can’t we be together?”

  “Because you’re George Bailey! If you give up your dreams in California and come back to White Falls, someday you’re going to resent me for making you do it—you said it yourself last night! And if I followed you to California and was miserable there it would be the exact same thing. We’re at the same stalemate we were at a year ago, Jase. Nothing has changed.”

  “What if I wouldn’t regret it?” he pressed. “What if I would be happy in White Falls as long as I have you?”

  “You’re asking me to jump off a cliff based on a what if—and it’s tempting, Jase, but I know you and I know how bitterness can fester if you sacrifice your dream for someone. Look at my father.”

  Her father had left his family behind when she was six, deciding he needed more than White Falls had to offer. Now he lived in Miami with his second family. Sam had been raised by her step-father, who married her mom three years after her parents split, and she’d always felt more connected to him than to her biological father, but maybe she’d been programmed at a young age to fall in love with a guy who was just like the one who’d left her. One who would always be looking for sunshine and green pastures.

  “I’m not your father, Sam.”

  “I know that.”

  “Do you? I want a life with you, Sam. I want White Falls and picket fences and small town gossip and Winter Festivals.” He dipped his head until their foreheads were nearly touching. His hands lifted to cradle her face. “I want all of it because it gives me you. Please. Please let me love you for the rest of my life. I could never regret that.”

  His kiss burst through her like sunshine piercing the clouds after a storm, so sweet and pure and inevitably right. She fisted her hands in his sweater, pulling him closer, arching up against him. Sam threw herself into the kiss, the electricity of it so familiar and yet bright and startlingly new. Jase wrapped both arms tight around her waist, lifting her until her heels raised off the ground and she arched into him, lost, so lost in him, so oblivious to everything in the world beyond his touch that it wasn’t until he broke the kiss, lifting his head several minutes later that she realized she could hear the car’s engine running and feel the hard press of the autostart key pinned between her hip bone and his.

  “The car’s working,” he murmured against her lips, sounding just as dazed as she felt.

  “Right.”

  “We should…”

  “Mm-hmm.”

  But then his lips were back on hers, driving away all semblance
of logical thought and it was several minutes before Jase pulled away again with a frustrated growl and looked back toward the car.

  “Your interview,” she reminded him softly, though her arms stayed wound as tightly around him as his were around her. She was afraid to let go.

  He groaned and set her back on her feet, but kept her hand in his until they were all the way back to the car. He held her door for her, then rounded the hood—and if he was walking a little funny, well, that was as much his doing as hers.

  Sam sat there dazed until he opened the driver’s side door, and everything he’d said began to penetrate the lust-clouded recesses of her mind. The fear was still there. The kiss had been magical, but had anything changed?

  Jase moved to put the car in gear and she put her hand over his on the shifter, stopping him.

  “Sam?”

  “I’m not ready to go back yet.”

  “My interview—”

  “Is that really what you want?”

  “It isn’t my dream job, but life is more than just work—”

  “That isn’t what I meant,” she interrupted him again. “Do you really want White Falls and the picket fence?”

  “I don’t want to lose you again.”

  “Me neither, but that doesn’t mean you spend all your time trying to guess what I want and tell me that’s what you want too. What do you really want?”

  “I want to be with you.”

  “Jase…”

  “Let me finish.”

  She pinned her lips closed, his hand warm beneath hers on the shifter.

  “I hated LA,” he confessed fervently. “I don’t know if I hated it because you weren’t there or if I really am a small town boy at heart, but I missed you like crazy and I even missed all the ridiculous homey kitsch of White Falls. I missed the pace of life. The way people stop and chat on their way to the grocery. I missed everyone being in my business and telling me to pass messages along to you because everyone knew I was half of Sam and Jase. I could live without the gossip and I get so sick of the cold in the winters, but maybe I don’t need six figures and a flashy condo to be a success. I’ve always made decisions with my head, but ignoring my heart just made me miserable. Maybe what I really need is a steady job, a Christmas parade and a girl who still believes in Christmas miracles. Are you still that girl?”