Some Buried Caesar

by Rex Stout

  "That's my intention. But where you got the idea that I'm doing it deliberately to offend your father – nonsense. I'm doing it as an advertisement for my business."

  "You are like hell. I know all about it… from the beginning. It's just another of your cheap efforts to make my father look cheap-you keep out of this, Sis!"

  "You're wrong, my boy." Pratt sounded tolerant. "I don't do anything cheap… I can afford not to. Let me tell you something. I understand the best bull your father's got is getting pretty old. Well, if your father came to me and asked for that bull I bought, I'd be strongly inclined to let him have him as a gift. I certainly would."

  "No doubt! A gift!" Clyde was nearly overcome with scorn. "Now I'll tell you. There was a lot of talk over at Crowfield today. Of course, as a member of the Guernsey League, my father was in on it. He was sure that the plan Bennett arranged with Cullen and McMillan wouldn't work… he said he knew you since you were a boy and you wouldn't turn loose. My sister Nancy got the idea of coming here to try to persuade you, and I agreed to come along. On the way we met Bennett and Darth and Cullen going back, and they told us what had happened. I came on anyhow, though it didn't look like there was much chance of talking you out of it. Now I'd like to make a bet with you. Do you ever do any betting?"

  "I'm not a gambler." Pratt chuckled. "I'm not exactly a confirmed gambler, but I don't mind an occasional friendly wager. I won a nice chunk on the 1936 election."

  "Would you care to try a little bet with me? Say $10,000?"

  "On what?"

  They got interrupted. A voice sounded, "Oh, there you are," and Monte McMillan was coming across the terrace. He sounded a little relieved. He approached Pratt: "They were fooling around the fence on the other side, and I told them they might as well go on, and I wasn't sure where they got to. Not that I would suspect the Osgood youngsters of stealing a bull…"

  Pratt grunted. "Sit down and have a drink. Bert! Bert!" He turned to Clyde: "What is it you want to bet about, my boy?"

  Clyde leaned forward at him. "I'll bet you $10,000 you don't barbecue Hickory Caesar Grindon."

  His sister Nancy exclaimed, "Clyde!" Wolfe's eyes went half shut. The others made sounds, and even Lily Rowan showed some interest. McMillan, who had started to sit down, stopped himself at an angle and held it a second, and then slowly sank.

  Pratt asked quietly, "What's going to stop me?"

  Clyde turned the palms of his hands up. "It's either a bet or it isn't. That's all."

  "$10,000 even that we don't barbecue Hickory Caesar Grindon."

  "Right."

  "Within what time?"

  "Say this week."

  "I ought to warn you I've consulted a lawyer. There's no legal way of stopping it, if I own him, no matter how much of a champion he is."

  Clyde merely shrugged. The look on his face was one I've often seen in a poker game.

  "Well." Pratt leaned back and got his thumbs in his arm- pits. "This is mighty interesting. What about it, McMillan? Can they get that bull out of that pasture in spite of us?"

  The stockman muttered, "I don't know who would be do- ing it. If there's any funny business… if we had him in a barn…"

  "I haven't got a barn." Pratt eyed Clyde. "One thing. What do we do, put up now? Checks?"

  Clyde flushed. "My check would be rubber. You know that, damn it. If I lose I'll pay."

  "You're proposing a gentleman's bet? With me?"

  "All right, call it that. A gentleman's bet."

  "By Cod. My boy, I'm flattered. I really am. But I can't afford to do much flattering when $10,000 is involved. I'm afraid I couldn't bet unless I had some sort of inkling of where you would get hold of that. amount."

  Clyde got halfway out of his chair, and my feet came back automatically for a spring, but his sister pulled him back. She tried to pull him away, too, with urgent remarks about leaving, but he shook himself loose and even gave her a shove. He glared at Pratt with his jaw clamped:

  "You damn trash, you say that to an Osgood! All right, I'll take some of your money, since that's all there is to you! If my father phones you to guarantee my side, does that make it a gentleman's bet?"

  "Then you really do want to bet."

  "I do."

  "$10,000 even on the proposition as these people here have heard it."

  "I do."

  "All right. If your father guarantees it, it's a bet."

  Clyde turned and started off without even a glance around for good-bye. His friend Bronson put down his drink and fol- lowed him. They had to wait at the edge of the terrace for Nancy, who, flustered as she was, managed a dam good exit under the circumstances. As she got away Monte McMillan stood up and remarked to Pratt:

  "I've known that Osgood boy since he was a baby. I guess I'd better go and tell him not to do anything foolish."

  He tramped off after them.

  Lily Rowan said hopefully, "It sounds to me as if there's going to be dirty work at the crossroads." She patted the space beside her which Jimmy Pratt had vacated. "Come and sit here, Escamillo, and tell me what's going to happen."

  I lifted the form, strolled gracefully over, deposited it, acquired her left hand, and studied the palm. "It's like this," I told her. "You will be very happy for a while, then you will take a long journey under water and will meet a bald-headed man sitting on some seaweed who you will think is William Beebe but who- will begin talking to you in Russian. Not understanding Russian, you will take it for granted that you get the idea, but will discover to your horror that he was talking about something else. Give me the other hand to compare."

  Jimmy Pratt, meanwhile, was haranguing his uncle. "… and you sit there and let him call you trash! I'd have liked to smack him! I would have smacked him-"

  "Now, Jimmy." Pratt waved a hand. He chuckled. "You wouldn't smack an Osgood, would you? Take it easy, son. By the way, since you seem to be feeling belligerent, maybe you'd like to help out a little with that bull. I'm afraid we'll have to keep an eye on him all night. How about a little sentry duty?"

  "Well, sir…" Jimmy looked uncomfortable. "The fact is… I've already told you… I don't approve of that. It seems to me a bull like that… a champion and so on…"

  "You wouldn't like to help us guard him?"

  "I'd appreciate it if you'd leave me out of that. Uncle Tom."

  "All right. I guess we can manage somehow. – What's your feeling about it, Mr. Wolfe? Haven't I got a right to eat my own bull?"

  Wolfe obliged with a philosophical lecture on written and unwritten law, degrees of moral turpitude, and the extravagant enthusiasms of bovine genetics. It sounded quite instructive and elevated the tone of the gathering to a plane high above such petty things as smacking an Osgood or eating beef- steak or winning a $10,000 bet. When he had finished, he turned to me with a suggestion: since he had accepted Mr. Pratt's kind invitation to dine there, a change of linen would be desirable, and the luggage was still in our car out by the roadside. Jimmy offered his services, but Caroline insisted it was her job, since it was she who had contracted to drive us to Crowfield, so I followed her from the terrace, across a wide lawn, around some shrubbery and flower beds, and down a path which took us to the graveled space in front of the garage, where a big sedan was parked near the yellow convertible. I stooped to peer under the trees to where I had caught a glimpse of a high long mound of freshly dug soil, with picks and shovels leaning against it. I had noticed it previously, as we drove by in the convertible after escaping from the pasture, but had not then realized its significance.

  "Pit for the barbecue?" I inquired.

  Caroline nodded. "I think it's pretty awful, but I couldn't very well refuse uncle's invitation to come up for it. Get in."

  When she had swung the sedan around and had headed down the drive I said, "I ask this because it's none of my business. I'm interested in human nature. Which is it, ad- vertising, or a Bronx cheer for Father Osgood?"

  "I don't know. I'm thinking about something."
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br />   So I held myself aloof. The sedan emerged onto the high- way and turned left, and in half a minute was swinging around the curve which I had seen from the other direction during my survey of the surroundings after the accident. In the other half of the minute she had arrived at the scene, spun the wheel with her strong wrists, done a U, and pulled up directly behind the relic. I got out. The angle of the low evening sun made long soft shadows with trees and telephone poles on the green of the pasture. Across its expanse, on the other side, I could see the top third of Monte McMillan above the fence, his face turned our way, and moving along this side of the boulder, with slow imperial tread, looking bigger than ever, was the bull. I had to admit he was a beaut, now that I could take an impersonal view.

  There were two suitcases, two bags, the sprayer, and the crates of plants. After I got them all transferred I locked the car up again, took another glance at the bull who was soon to be served at 450 bucks a portion, and climbed in beside Miss Pratt. Still aloof, I didn't say anything, but sat quietly and waited for the spirit to move her. After a minute she moved, but only to turn her head to look at me.

  "I want to tell you what I was thinking about."

  I nodded politely.

  "Lily Rowan."

  I nodded again. "She calls me Escamillo. She told me that you and she are going to the fair tomorrow, and suggested that she and I might have lunch together."

  "What did you tell her?"

  "I told her I couldn't on account of my table manners. I

  don't like hitch-lunchers."

  Caroline snorted. "She wasn't trying to hitch. She would pay the check. She's rich. Very. Maybe millions, I don't know, anyway plenty. She's a vampire. She's dangerous."

  "You mean she bites you in the neck?"

  "I mean what I say. I used to think the talk about some woman being dangerous, you know, really dangerous, was romantic hooey, but it isn't. Lily Rowan is one. If she wasn't too lazy to make much of an effort there's no telling how many men she might ruin, but I know of at least three she has played the devil with. You saw Clyde Osgood today. Not that Clyde was ever one of nature's noblemen, but he was doing all right. He's just my age, 26. The Osgoods have owned this county for generations, they still have a couple of thousand acres, and after Clyde finished at college he buckled in and handled things for his father, who was away most of the time doing politics and things. People around here say he was really showing some sense. Then during a trip to New York two years ago he met Lily Rowan, and she took a fancy to him and got a spell of energy at the same time. She did worse than bite him in the neck. She swallowed him. Then last spring she spit him out again. That may not be very elegant but can you describe the activities of a toad with elegance? Clyde hasn't returned to the country; he hangs around New York and tries to see her or tries not to see her. I don't know what he's doing up here now. Maybe he knew she was coming."

  She stopped. I remarked, "And that's what you were thinking about."

  "No, that only leads up to it." She frowned at me. "You're a detective. That's your business, isn't it?"

  "Yep, 24 hour service."

  "And you… you keep things confidential?"

  "Sure, when they are confidential."

  "Well, this is. Lily Rowan is after my brother Jimmy."

  I raised the brows. "And?"

  "She mustn't get him. She hasn't got him… yet. I would have supposed Jimmy had too much sense, but apparently that has nothing to do with it. Also I thought he was in love with Nan Osgood; I thought that last winter. A month or so ago Lily Rowan started after him. And even Jimmy… even Jimmy will fall for it! How the devil does she do it? Damn her!"

  "I couldn't say. I could ask her."

  "This isn't a joke. She'll ruin him."

  "I don't regard it as a job. You asked a silly question. And her being up here… you invited her just to help things along a little and have it over with?"

  "I invited her because I thought that seeing her like this… out here in the country… might bring him to. But it hasn't."

  "He still laps it up." "Yes."

  I hunched my shoulders. "Well, granted that I'm a good detective, there doesn't seem to be anything to detect. It seems to be what my employer calls a natural process, and there's no way of stopping it except to send your brother to Australia for a pair of shoestrings or cut her throat."

  "I could do that, cut her throat. I could murder her. But maybe there is a way. That's what I was thinking about. She said something about you today while you were upstairs. Something that gave me an idea."

  "What did she say?"

  "I can't tell you. I couldn't say it."

  "Was it… well, personal?"

  "Very personal."

  "What was it?"

  "I tell you I- won't repeat it. But that, and other things, and her asking you to have lunch with her… I believe you could take her away from Jimmy. Provided you don't try. She likes to do the trying, when she gets energy enough. Something about you has attracted her; I knew that when she called you Escamillo."

  "Go on."

  "That's all. Except… of course… I don't mean to ask a favor of you. There's no reason why you should do me a favor, even as great a one as this. It's a matter of business. When you send me a bill I'll pay it, only if it's very big I might have to pay in installments."

  "I see. First I act coy, then I let her ruin me, then I send

  you a bill-"

  "I tell you this isn't a joke. It's anything but a joke. Will

  you do it?"

  I screwed up my lips, regarding her. Then I got out a ciga- rette, offered her one which was refused, and lit up.

  "Look," I said, "I think it's a joke. Let's say she goes ahead and ruins him. In my opinion, if he's worth the powder to blow him to hell, he'll soon get unruined. No man was ever taken to hell by a woman unless he already had a ticket in his pocket, or at least had been fooling around with time- tables. God bless you, you say you want to hire me to pull her off. I couldn't take an outside job even if I wanted to, because I work for Nero Wolfe on salary. But since you want to make it strictly a matter of business, I'll do this for you:

  I'll eat lunch with her tomorrow, provided you'll pay the check. That will be $2, for which, inclusive. 111 make you a detailed report of progress."

  She said briefly, "It isn't a joke. I'll give you the $2 when we get back to the house," and stepped on the starter.

  It surely wouldn't have been too much to expect that I might have had a little peace and quiet during the hour that remained before dinnertime, but no such luck. I had unloaded the crates of plants and taken them upstairs to the bathroom, and had carted up the two suitcases, and my final Journey was with the two bags. Entering the room with them and hearing a noise in the bathroom, I put the bags down and crossed to the open door and saw Wolfe there, with the lids of the crates lifted so he could inspect the orchids to see if they would require spraying. I said the plants looked to me to be in good shape, and be acknowledged the fact. Then I said that since our shirts and ties were in the suitcases, likewise toilet articles, I presumed it would be unnecessary to open the bags, though I had brought them up. Not looking at me, he murmured casually but distinctly:

  "It would be well, I think, to unpack."

  I started. "The whole works?"

  "Yes."

  "You mean take everything out?"

  "Yes."

  "And put it back in again after dinner?"

  "No. We shall sleep here tonight."

  I started to improvise a cutting remark, because I am methodical by temperament and like to see plans carried out when they have been made, but then I reflected that after all this place unquestionably had it all over any hotel room they were likely to be saving for us in Crowfield, with the town overflowing with exposition visitors. On the other hand it was always bad policy to feed his conceit by displaying ap- proval, so without comment I returned to the bedroom and began operations on the big suitcase. Pretty soon he waddled in, rem
oved his coat and vest and dropped them on one of the beds, and started to unbutton his shirt.

  I inquired pleasantly, "How did you coerce Pratt into having us as house guests? Just turn on the old charm?"

  "There was no coercion. Technically we are not guests. Mr. Pratt was eager to adopt my suggestion."

  "Oh." I whirled on him with my hands full of socks and handkerchiefs. "You made a suggestion?"

  "I did. I'm being perfectly frank about it, Archie; I could let it appear that the suggestion originated with Mr. Pratt, but it didn't; I offered it. Knowing of his difficulty, it seemed a decent thing to do, after his generous hospitality. He ap- proved at once, and proposed a commission to me, and I accepted."

  "I see." I was still holding the haberdashery. "What kind of a commission, if you don't mind my asking?"

  "Not a very lucrative one. Nor very difficult. Surveillance."

  "I thought so." I crossed and opened a drawer of the bureau and arranged the socks and handkerchiefs inside. Then I stood and watched him struggle out of his shirt and heard the seams protesting. "I suspected it the minute you told me to unpack. Okay. That's a new one. Pasture patrol. Bodyguard for a bull. I sincerely trust you'll enjoy a good night's sleep, sir, having this lovely room all to yourself."

  "Don't take a tone with me, Archie. It will be dull, that's all, for a man as fidgety-"

  "Dull?" I waved a hand. "Don't you believe it. Dull, out there alone in the night, sharing my secrets with the stars? You don't know me. And glowing with satisfaction because just by being there I'll be making it possible for you to snooze in that excellent bed in this big airy room. And then the dawnj Mr. Wolfe, how I love the dawn!" "You won't see the dawn."

  "The hell I won't. Who'll bump me off, Clyde? Or will the bull get me?"

  "Neither. I have made arrangements with Mr. Pratt and Mr. McMillan. The man called Dave will be on guard while we are dining. At 8:30 you will relieve him, and at 1 o'clock you will be relieved by Mr. McMillan. You often go to bed that late at home. You had better waken me by knocking when you come in. I am not accustomed to my room being entered at night."