The Loney

by Andrew Michael Hurley

  Hell was a place ruled by the logic of children. Schadenfreude that lasted for eternity.

  In the painting, the damned were forced down through a narrow crack in the earth, crushed against one another, swimming headfirst through the soil, before they tumbled in a naked landslide towards the clutches of lascivious black-skinned demons who grasped their hair and drove red hot knives into their flesh. Yet, this was only the initial punishment. They had merely fallen on the welcome mat, where some of the old lags of Hades had gathered to pray for the souls of these newcomers in the vain hope of their own redemption, their faces upturned, their mouths wide open and desperate, like blackbird chicks.

  From here, the wicked were collected in enormous cauldrons to be cooked for Satan, who squatted like a sort of horned toad and dipped into the pots with a fondue fork, impaling the squirming human worms and swallowing them down whole, presumably to slither through his bowels and out the other end to begin the whole process once more.

  In other parts of Hell were tortures so vile they bordered on being funny, which in turn worried me even more. The mockery of Hell, I thought, would result in an even worse punishment if I ever ended up there.

  In one dark corner a demon had its arm down a man’s throat so far that it came out of his backside to throttle the woman cowering beneath him. People had their limbs torn off and were hung upside down by hooks through their privates. Some had their tongues nailed to trees and their bellies slit to feed the slavering dogs that obediently attended the devils. Eyeballs were pecked out by things that looked like oversized starlings. Boiling lead was funnelled down throats. Severed heads were emptied of blood to irrigate the paddy fields of black weeds that grew up the sheer rock walls of Hell and broke through into the lush green pastures of the living to ensnare the sunflowers and the lilies growing there. It was all Father Wilfred had promised us it would be.

  ***

  As we had always done when we’d come to the Tenebrae service in the past we doubled the congregation in one fell swoop. The few people kneeling with their faces in their hands were the same people that had always been there. And when they broke out of their prayers, they looked at us not as strangers but as people they half recognised even though it had been years since we’d last come.

  ‘Isn’t that Clement?’ said Mr Belderboss, pointing to someone sitting alone in one of the side pews.

  ‘Yes, I think it is,’ Mrs Belderboss replied and she tried to attract his attention.

  ‘His mother’s not with him, though,’ said Mr Belderboss. ‘I wonder why?’

  ‘Well, she’s perhaps not up to church anymore,’ Mrs Belderboss replied. ‘She is getting on, I suppose.’

  Mummer shushed them as the organist struck up a dirge and a miserable-looking altar boy, acned and gangly, brought out the hearse, placed it on a low table and lit the fifteen candles with a taper. He went away again and came back with a small, fat candle that he lit and placed down under the altar out of sight.

  The priest came in and we all stood up. He gave a brief introduction—his voice thudding around the stone walls and gathering into a boom—and then the two hour cycle of Matins and Lauds began—all in Latin of course—and after each a candle was extinguished by the altar boy until little by little the church darkened to match the encroaching gloom outside.

  The wind continued to rise and fall. Whining and shrilling. It was as insistent as the priest, louder sometimes, preaching an older sermon, about the sand and the sea. Warning the faithful to stay away from The Loney.

  Hanny fell asleep but no one bothered him, as Mr Belderboss had done the same, leaning his fluffy white head against my shoulder. In any case, Mummer was too engrossed in a contest with Miss Bunce as to who could be the most moved by the ceremony. At each increment of darkness, Mummer held her rosary tighter and prayed harder. Miss Bunce had tears in her eyes when Jesus called out to God and the candles on the hearse were snuffed out in quick succession. She even managed a small, anguished wail of her own when in the darkness the altar boy went down the aisle and slammed the heavy church doors shut to symbolise the earthquake that had buckled Golgotha at the moment Jesus’ human heart stopped beating.

  Mr Belderboss woke with a start and clutched at his chest.

  ***

  Once the service was over and the single candle that had been secreted under the altar had been brought out to symbolise the promise of resurrection, we filed out into the rain. The altar boy held an umbrella over the priest as he quickly clamped each cold hand in his and passed on God’s blessing. The regulars disappeared quickly, back to the sombre little houses hunkered down in the rain around the village green and as soon as the last person was out of the church, which was Mr Belderboss, rolling up and down on the cam of his bad hip, the priest went back inside and closed the door.

  ‘Well,’ said Mummer, as we walked back to the minibus. ‘I thought that was a lovely service.’

  She was talking to Farther but he had stopped several paces behind and was running his hand over the carvings worked into the stone around a side door.

  ‘I say it was a lovely service,’ she called over to him, but he either didn’t hear her or he ignored her and moved his glasses to the end of his nose to better inspect the men and demons locked in mortal combat.

  ‘It was,’ said Mr Belderboss. ‘It was.’

  ‘What do you know, you great lug,’ said Mrs Belderboss, batting his shoulder with the back of her hand. ‘You missed most of it.’

  ‘I did not,’ he said, rubbing his arm and smiling. ‘I was deep in prayer.’

  ‘Cobblers,’ said Mrs Belderboss.

  ‘I think moving is probably the right word,’ said Miss Bunce. ‘It’s meant to be quite a sombre service.’

  David nodded in solemn agreement.

  ‘Oh, I didn’t enjoy it, as such,’ said Mummer.

  ‘I didn’t say I didn’t enjoy it,’ Miss Bunce said.

  ‘So where’s this fish feller?’ Father Bernard said, leading Mummer back to the minibus.

  ***

  Mummer sat in the front with Father Bernard and directed him to a wooden shack in the middle of nowhere where a man with a face full of scars sat behind plastic trays of skate and mackerel and vicious-looking eels freshly pulled out of the Irish Sea. It had been a tradition in the time of Father Wilfred to stop here on Good Friday and Mummer was delighted to see that the shop was still there and the same man was still taking the money, using an old chum bucket for a till. The change came out greasy but Mummer didn’t seem to mind.

  We all waited in the minibus as Mummer and Farther chatted to the man while he wrapped up their fish in newspaper. A Land Rover went past us and pulled up next to the stall. It was Clement’s. The same one that I had seen parked on the road down from Moorings. Parkinson, the bull man, got out first and looked at us, nodded at Father Bernard specifically, and then wandered over to the stall, followed by Collier and his dog. Freed from the cab but still on its chain, it went off sniffing and barking and then squatted in the middle of the road.

  ‘Aren’t those the men we saw on the way here, Father?’ said Miss Bunce.

  ‘Aye,’ he said, with a look of irritation that Parkinson had singled him out.

  ‘Where’s Clement, I wonder?’ said Mrs Belderboss.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Mr Belderboss replied. ‘Why?’

  ‘That is his Land Rover, isn’t it?’

  ‘So?’

  ‘Well, why have they got it?’

  ‘How should I know?’

  ‘Do you think he’s lent it to them?’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Mary.’

  ‘I’m not being silly, I should think they all muck in together round here, don’t they?’

  ‘Hardly,’ said Mr Belderboss. ‘If they’ve got his Land Rover, then it’s because he’s sold it to them. Or it’s an exchange for something. I mean they don’t always deal in money out here, but they don’t give things away either. It’s a tough life being a farmer. You can’t afford
charity.’

  The elderly man got out last and coughing violently into his sleeve, he leant against the side of the Land Rover watching us.

  ‘Toxoplasmosis,’ said Mr Belderboss, nodding to him.

  ‘Oh, give it a rest, Reg,’ Mrs Belderboss sighed.

  Parkinson and Collier went and stood by the side of the fish stall smoking cigarettes. Mummer said hello to them, these were her people, after all. The men listened as she tried to start up a conversation, but they didn’t talk back. Rather, they grinned, Collier winding the chain around his forearm to keep the dog obedient.

  ‘Who are they?’ said Miss Bunce as Mummer and Farther got back onto the bus.

  ‘Who?’ said Mummer.

  ‘Them,’ said Miss Bunce, pointing out of the window. ‘They don’t seem very friendly.’

  Mummer looked back at the men who were now selecting fish and laughing with the fishmonger, as the one with jaundice spluttered into his fist.

  ‘Oh, Joan you really have lived in London too long,’ she said. ‘They just have different ways. Here, hold this.’

  She handed the newspaper packet to Miss Bunce while she settled herself into her seat and we pulled away.

  The men watched us leave, Parkinson nodding to Father Bernard and Collier saluting with his black mitten.

  ***

  The smell of fish filled the bus and steadily bloomed as we ran along the lanes back to the house.

  Miss Bunce held her hand over her nose. ‘I think I’m going to be sick,’ she said. David reached across and held her hand.

  ‘Oh for goodness’ sake, Joan,’ said Mummer. ‘Don’t be so dramatic.’

  Miss Bunce wafted the smell away with her hand. ‘I thought that fish shouldn’t smell at all if it was fresh.’

  ‘No, that’s beef, isn’t it?’ said Mr Belderboss.

  ‘Chicken,’ Mrs Belderboss replied. ‘Is it beef or chicken?’

  ‘Look,’ said Mummer. ‘We’ve bought fish from that stall for years and it’s never done us any harm, has it?’

  She looked at Farther.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘It’s always been very nice.’

  ‘Well, I’m not having any of it,’ Miss Bunce said.

  ‘Well then you’ll be hungry,’ said Mummer.

  ‘And I’ll be glad,’ said Miss Bunce. ‘We ought not to be eating at all today.’

  Mummer rolled her eyes. ‘That rule only applies to meat, Joan,’ she said. ‘Fish is fine, isn’t it Father?’

  ‘I think we might risk it, aye,’ said Father Bernard as he changed gear and slowed down to take a hairpin bend in the road.

  ‘That’s just as well. I’m not sure I’d last until tomorrow with nothing inside me,’ Mr Belderboss laughed from the back seat.

  Around the corner we came across someone walking on the edge of the ditch.

  ‘That’s Clement,’ said Mrs Belderboss. ‘Slow down, Father.’

  Father Bernard pulled in a few yards ahead and wound the window down. Clement stopped.

  ‘Can I give you a lift?’ Father Bernard called.

  Clement looked around him and then came to the window, peering at us all and then at Father Bernard.

  ‘Nay, you’re alright,’ he said.

  ‘It’s no bother to take you home.’

  ‘I’ve not far to go,’ Clement said.

  ‘Well how about I at least take you as far as Moorings?’

  Clement looked up into the rain. ‘Aye, alright,’ he said. ‘Take me to Moorings and I’ll see me sen right from there.’

  Clement wedged himself between Hanny and I on the back seat. His wax jacket smelled of dried up bodily excretions and damp straw. An astonishing, curdled smell that had subtle layers of foulness for the nose to explore.

  He didn’t say a word all the way back, but stared straight ahead and I got to know his profile intimately: a mangled ear stuck on the side of his head like a lump of bubble gum; a nose that had, like his cheeks, turned purulent with end-stage rosacea; a few stray wiry hairs around his lips that the razor had missed several times. When he went to scratch his nose, his sleeve slipped down and revealed a swallow tattooed on his forearm. He saw me staring at it and covered it up.

  There was a rumour that he had done time at Haverigg, though whether it was true or what he was supposed to have done, I didn’t know.

  When we arrived back at Moorings, Clement waited until everyone had gone into the house and there was only Father Bernard and I coaxing Monro out from under the seat where he had been sleeping. Monro yawned and ambled down the steps and into the house. Father Bernard watched him go and then turned to Clement.

  ‘Are you sure you won’t let me take you back to the farm?’

  Clement shook his head. ‘I’d rather walk from here.’

  ‘Alright, well you take care of yourself.’

  Clement walked away and then stopped and came back.

  ‘I don’t know if I should say anything, Father,’ he said. ‘But I’d not forgive mesen if I didn’t give thee a word of warning.’

  ‘Oh? About what?’

  ‘Stay indoors as much as you can.’

  ‘With the weather, you mean?’

  ‘No, I mean keep thaselves to thaselves.’

  ‘What makes you think we were going to do otherwise?’ said Father Bernard with a small laugh.

  ‘There are folk around here who aren’t that happy that you’ve come.’

  ‘Like who?’

  ‘I’d rather not say.’

  Father Bernard smiled faintly to himself. He knew who Clement was talking about.

  ‘Well, I’m sure we won’t do anything to upset them, Clement. And in any case, it didn’t seem like that to me.’

  Clement frowned. ‘How do you mean, Father?’

  Father Bernard glanced at me.

  ‘Well, I stopped in the Bell and Anchor the other day to get out of the rain and someone very kindly bought me a drink.’

  Clement looked as though he had swallowed something nasty.

  ‘Who was it?’

  ‘Mr Parkinson, the butcher. Why?’

  ‘And did you return the favour?’

  Father Bernard shook his head. ‘I hadn’t time to stay.’

  ‘I don’t mean a drink, Father.’

  ‘I don’t follow you, Clement.’

  ‘I mean, did you invite him up to Moorings?’

  ‘I don’t recall …’

  ‘He has a way of making folk feel obliged to him, you see,’ Clement cut in.

  ‘Well, I didn’t feel like that,’ said Father Bernard. ‘Like I say, it was just a drink.’

  But Clement wasn’t listening. He clutched Father Bernard’s arm.

  ‘Because if you were to invite him, he wouldn’t just take it as a pleasantry. He’d come and bring them all with him.’

  ‘Who’s all?’

  ‘It’s just better if tha keeps away from him.’

  ‘But there must be a reason, Clement.’

  ‘Aye, plenty.’

  ‘Such as what?’

  ‘I can’t say.’

  ‘Clement?’

  ‘I’m sorry, Father. I must get back to Mother.’

  Clement looked at Father Bernard and then down at his feet, as though he had failed in some way. Then he walked to the lane, paused while he looked around him again, and then went off through a gate and over the fields.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Clement’s odd behaviour was all everyone talked about once he had gone.

  ‘He’s always been a little eccentric,’ said Mrs Belderboss.

  ‘It’s not surprising living out here,’ Mr Belderboss added. ‘Stuck with his mother day in, day out. It’s enough to make anyone go a bit strange.’

  ‘I’m sure he doesn’t think of her as a burden, Reg.’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t mean that. I meant he focuses so much of his time on her that the rest of the world, the real world, sort of gets pushed to the sidelines.’

  Everyone seemed to agree, and perha
ps it was this consent that made Father Bernard dismiss Clement’s warnings as easily as he had obviously wanted to.

  Perhaps they were right. Maybe Clement was just paranoid, but he had seemed so serious, so genuinely concerned.

  Mummer and Mrs Belderboss went into the kitchen to prepare the fish while the rest of us waited. Miss Bunce and David sat together on the sofa. She was back with her Bible and he was reading a battered Dickens novel that had pages like tissue paper. Mr Belderboss snored in an armchair, Father Bernard went to his room to pray, and Farther sat at a table, looking at the nativity set he had found in the little room next to the study.

  A new wave of rain swept in off the sea and made its fingertaps on the windows. Mummer came in from the kitchen and handed me a box of matches.

  ‘Here, make yourself useful and light the candles,’ she said and shooed me off around the room, distracted by Farther’s coughing.

  It had got worse and there was a soft wheeze every time he breathed.

  ‘You ought to stay out of that room,’ said Mummer. ‘It’s not doing your chest any good.’

  ‘I’m fine,’ said Farther.

  Mummer looked at the figures on the table. ‘I hope you’ve cleaned those,’ she said. ‘TB can live on for years.’

  ‘Of course I have,’ he said, setting a shepherd down next to a lamb.

  ‘I really think you ought to have left them alone.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Mummer. ‘It just doesn’t seem right going through people’s things.’

  Farther ignored her and rooted amongst the tissue paper that the little figurines had been wrapped in.

  ‘Funny,’ he said. ‘There’s no Jesus.’

  ***

  The meal was brought out and placed in the centre of the table among the tea lights Mummer had brought from the shop. On each jar was a portrait of a blond haired Jesus blood-streaked from the crown of thorns and pointing to his huge blazing heart. We ate quietly, the rain hitting the windows and slithering down. Miss Bunce would only eat the vegetables. There was no dessert. Only water to drink.