Finding Life

by Tiffani Lynn

  Letting go of Colby is proving to be harder than I expected though. Little things keep coming up and kicking my ass. It's so bad that even Diego noticed it. I went shopping with him for his wife’s birthday last week. When we walked through a department store where someone had sprayed the perfume Colby wears, I talked only about her for the next two hours. She went from being a thought on my mind to a smell in my nose and it felt like she was close enough to touch but nowhere in sight. I hated it and apparently couldn’t shut up about it either.

  To make things worse somehow, the women at work got wind of the fact that I’m no longer involved with Colby and have been circling me like sharks in chummed-up waters during shark week. It’s both annoying and uncomfortable. Last week I finally had to break down and get rude with one because she wouldn’t take no for an answer. Apparently, her ego is much bigger than it should be.

  I’m sitting at my desk after closing out a client folder, trying to decide what to do next, when my assistant buzzes me. “Mr. Martinez, there is a Shaunda Beaumont on the line for you. She says it’s important. All of your clients say that, so I would have sent her to your voicemail, but she says it’s about Colby. I thought you might want to take it.”

  My heart rate kicks up, waking my brain up from a half-foggy state. What if something happened to Colby? She’s been traveling, it could be anything. “Put her through, thank you.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  The phone rings into my office and I pick up. “Shaunda.” I don’t even give her a chance to greet me. “Is Colby okay?” That sounded way too freaked out, too desperate, but I don’t care.

  “No, yes, no.” She stumbles slowly over the words like she’s unsure.

  “What does that mean?” The tone of my voice reveals my impatience.

  “It means physically she’s okay. She’s not in the hospital or dead or anything. But emotionally, she’s a mess. She’s been on the road for the monster truck season and coming back to do our books here. We are barely hanging on to the shop because Jasmine, that stupid temporary bookkeeper, embezzled a ton of money from us and we have been riding the line of losing the shop ever since. But that’s beside the point. Colby’s a mess. Jeff, Marshall, Pete and I are all scared she’s going to end up in the looney bin or the hospital.”

  “She told me she didn’t want me around. Besides, I saw on social media that she’s back together with her ex. Why aren’t you calling him?”

  “Curtis? No, that’s bullshit. She didn’t get back together with him. That idiot dropped in on her while she was in Utah, talked her into a drink, and a fan saw her and snapped a picture of them together and tagged her in it. She didn’t even know it existed until I called her about it. It’s too bad the person who snapped that picture didn’t get one of her when she kneed him in the nuts after he made a move on her. She’s only seen him that once and she’s gotten worse since then.”

  Shaunda exhales. “She loves you, but I think she’s worried that you’re still in love with your wife. Colby’s too tangled up in her own private hell to work through that kind of thing with you. Are you over your wife?”

  “Are you asking if I love Carol? Yes, I’ll always love her, but I’m not still holding on to her. I’ve made a lot of changes since I was with Colby.”

  “Then go after her. She needs some support. She needs someone to help her get through this. She won’t let any of us help. I know you know how horrible mourning can be. She’s exhausted on top of it too. Please, I’m begging you.”

  “What if she knees me in the nuts?”

  “She won’t.”

  “What makes you so sure?”

  “Because she’s in love with you.”

  “How—”

  “Don’t ask that. I’m her sister and I know these things. Dana agrees with me. Please try, for me, for Colby. Please?”

  “Alright. Send me her info. Hotel, city and schedule, if you have it.”

  “Done. I just hit send on all of it. Call me if you have any questions and let me know what happens. If this doesn’t work, I’m flying out when you come back. It sounded like she was coming down with something when I talked to her this morning, and that worries me too. She has no one to take care of her.”

  “Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”

  Doubt and hope war within me as we hang up, and I pull up my calendar on my computer. This is a full week according to my schedule, but so are the next three months. There won’t be a good time to leave the office without disrupting everything. But if I learned one thing when Carol was sick, it was that work isn’t everything and it doesn’t keep you warm or give you great memories when you’re lonely. It’s the people in your life that matter.

  Picking my phone up out of its cradle, I call my secretary. “I know you’re going to want to kill me, but reschedule the next two days and then the first three of next week. I can work late when I get back to make up for it, but I need to leave town today and be gone for a few days. Also, can you schedule me a flight to San Antonio, Texas, today? No earlier than 5:00. I need time to run home and pack and at this point that’s the earliest I could be there.”

  “Okay, I’ll do that. For what it’s worth, if this has to do with Colby, I think it’s the right thing. She’s the one for you.”

  “It is and I hope you’re right. Thanks.” I hang up and send a few emails to let my partners know that I’m leaving on a family emergency and I shut my computer down. Within a few minutes, I’m on my way home.

  I’m in the air a few hours later, twiddling my thumbs, with no idea what her reaction will be or how far I should push her if she acts like she doesn’t need help. I guess I’ll have to improvise when I get there.

  When I finally reach the hotel, I realize she’s probably been in her room for half an hour so I knock, praying her sister is right and the ex-boyfriend won’t be standing inside. That would be the straw that broke the camel’s back for me.

  “Who is it?” she calls through the door as the peephole darkens. I don’t reply because I know she can see me now. Instead, I wait nervously for what’s on the other side.

  The sound of the latch flipping and the lock turning breaks the silence of the hall and the door is flung open. “Victor,” Colby says, sounding breathless and shocked. Both of her eyes and her nose are red like she’s been crying for days. Her face is pale and I swear she’s lost some weight. Shaunda wasn’t wrong to be concerned.

  One glance at me and she flies through the air like a spider monkey, wrapping herself around me and latching on as she sobs into my neck. She’s only wearing an oversized T-shirt and socks so I walk her into the room and shut the door behind us. Then I make my way to the edge of the bed and sit down, holding her tight to me as she continues to cling to me and cry. After what seems like forever, her cries settle and she stays the way she is.

  “I missed you.” Her voice is quiet and raspy from all the spent emotion.

  “Me too, honey. What’s going on? You were crying before I got here.”

  “Everything,” she says, without elaborating further.

  “Okay, if you don’t want to talk about it yet, we won’t. Have you eaten?”

  “They had food at the show.”

  “Did you eat any of it?”

  “Yeah, a little. I haven’t been hungry.”

  “I’m calling room service.”

  “Don’t move. Please, I need you.”

  She’s clinging to me tighter now, afraid I’ll move. I realize just how bad she was when I arrived and I silently thank Shaunda for calling me.

  “Hold tight,” I tell her and grip her bottom as I maneuver to the phone.

  I pick it up and press the button for room service. “Can I get a couple of burgers, fries and side salads delivered to our room?” The guy who answered takes our order and when he’s done I disconnect. Colby is still attached to me tightly so I toe my shoes off and scoot further onto the bed. When I’m where I want to be, I lie back and shift us to our sides so I can still hold her but mo
re comfortably.

  “Why are you here?” she asks, her ragged breath feathering against my neck.

  “Shaunda called me, worried you were struggling.”

  Colby yanks back, her eyes wild with panic. “You can’t tell her!”

  “I don’t have to, Colby. She’s your sister. She already knows. If I wasn’t coming or you wouldn’t see me, she was getting on a plane to come here.”

  “She can’t do that. Her immune system is so low she could get anything from the people on the plane—”

  “She’s not coming. I’m here.”

  “Why you?”

  “Are you really asking that question?” I search her beautiful sad eyes. With gentle strokes I push her hair away from her face and smile gently at the wonderful broken woman in my arms. “Colby, I’m in love with you. I would’ve been here sooner but I thought you got back together with Curtis. I didn’t want to interfere if you were happy.”

  “Curtis? Why would you think that?”

  “Social media.”

  “He’s such a jer—”

  I shush her mid-sentence with a quick kiss. “Stop. Shaunda told me what happened, that it was a misunderstanding. I wish I would’ve realized that sooner, but it’s not a big deal. The question is…do you want me here or do you just want someone here to help you through whatever you’re going through? I’ll be whatever you need me to be, but I don’t want to go into the next week thinking something different than what’s real.”

  “Week?”

  “Yeah, I’ll be with you for a week if you want me here, and then I have to go back to work. I pushed a bunch of stuff to next week so I have to go back.”

  “Why did you do that?”

  “I already told you. I did it because I love you and I did it because I know you need help.”

  “I’m so sorry I was horrible to you.”

  “That was partly my fault. We can talk tomorrow after you’re fed and get some sleep. I’m here to make sure both happen. It’s late and you have to be up at four.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “Shaunda gave me your schedule.”

  “My sister,” she closes her eyes and shakes her head, “taking care of me when I should be taking care of her.”

  “She’s better. She’s going to be fine. Be glad she loves you enough to track me down.”

  “I have the best family,” she says quietly, and after a long pause, continues, “I miss my dad.”

  “I know. He was a good man.”

  We lie there in silence for several minutes and she’s so quiet I think she may have fallen asleep, but when there is a knock at the door she sits up and allows me to move away from her. I sign for the food, tip the guy and lock the door behind me.

  I’m pleased when she eats most of the burger, half of the salad and a few of the fries. Once we’re done, we brush our teeth side by side and I strip down to my boxer briefs and slide between the sheets. She moves in next to me and I pull her close so her head is resting in the crook of my neck and wrap my arms around her.

  With a quick kiss to her hair, I say, “Get some sleep. I’ll wake you when it’s time.”

  She nods her head slightly and it’s not long before her breathing evens out and I know she’s asleep. I’m glad I set the alarm before I lay down because the thought of moving her from this position is out of the question. She fits perfectly against me.

  At four, the alarm goes off and she groans. She’s exhausted, but she has to meet her obligations. “Come on, sleepy head, let’s get through the shower and start the day. I’ll be with you for the whole thing to make it easier, okay?”

  “I didn’t dream it? You really are staying?”

  “Yup,” I smack her butt cheek playfully. “Now get moving so I don’t get in trouble for you being late.”

  Within an hour, we are both ready and on our way to the event site for her to meet with the local media.

  By the time we fly home on Tuesday, I’m worn out and I didn’t do anything but feed Colby and hold her while she slept every night. On the third day, she was much better and the light was back in her eyes. I have no idea how she keeps this schedule up, even when she’s not busting her ass at home and fighting an illness on top of it. The way she kept trying to push through while exhausted and half sick reminds me of my time in the Army. Seems like we never slept and when we did, we did it with one eye open. Of course, I was younger then, but still, there is only so much the human mind and body can take.

  The whole time I was with her in San Antonio we didn’t discuss our future or the changes I’ve made to my life or even what she may want with us. We simply survived her time on the road and enjoyed being close to one another. I figured we’d tackle the rest when we got home. I have one more day off and I plan to spend it with her.

  As I’m loading her suitcase into her truck at the airport, she asks, “Can you stay with me tonight? I know I’ve already taken so much of your time, but I’m not ready for you to go home yet.”

  “I thought you’d never ask.”

  Her responding smile is brilliant. The cold Colorado wind whips around us and tussles her hair. “Get in the truck; I don’t want you to freeze. I’ll meet you at your place.” I kiss her on the forehead and turn toward my car, dragging my suitcase along with me.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Colby

  If it weren’t for Victor, I wouldn’t have survived this week. I was juggling so many things and taking such poor care of myself that it all finally crashed in on me. He waylaid a nervous breakdown I was heading for on this last trip. I’ve never in my life been so happy to see anyone as I was when I looked through that peephole and found him. My heart almost stopped.

  The last few days were so wild with my schedule that we didn’t get to talk much and it was nice not having to think about anything. Victor handled everything. My only job was to drive the truck, smile for the cameras and sign autographs. It was almost robotic, but I did my best to make it good for the fans.

  As soon as we got on the flight home, though, my thoughts started spinning. There are still the issues of his dead wife and of his work life that I don’t fit into. Those people will eat me alive at company dinners and functions. I may have a tough outer layer but there is only so long I can be treated like trash before I will lash out and hurt his career. I wonder if his wife was super polished and fit in with those people. Did she have the same issues as me or did she navigate this with ease? By the time we land I know it’s time to have a real conversation about a life together because I’m attached to him in a way I haven’t been before and can’t imagine letting go all over again. I need to know how he feels about Carol and if he’s ready to move on or if I have to walk away now. I can’t go another day with her memory lingering around if I can’t really have him.

  When I arrive at home ahead of Victor, I kick the heat on higher to kill the chill in the air and drag my suitcase to my room. By the time I return to the living room he’s knocking on the door. I let him in and tell him, “Take your stuff back to my room. I need a drink; you want one?”

  “Yeah, if you have a beer, that would be great,” he yells to me from my room.

  The stomach butterflies arrived with him, swarming inside me for more than one reason. The scent of his cologne as he moves through my house wraps around me like a warm embrace, flipping the switch of my dormant libido. But my nerves also switch to high alert with the idea that he may end up walking out of my life for good tonight after we discuss Carol. I’d rather spend the evening wrapped up in each other naked, I know I’ll never be the same if he chooses to live in the past instead of moving on with me.

  Returning to the living room, he comes straight to me, framing my face with his hands. “You okay? You were thinking too hard,” he says, his genuine concern obvious in his gentle touch.

  “Yeah, but I know we need to talk and I’m worried.”

  “Don’t be. It’s going to be okay. Let’s grab our drinks and sit down on the couch.”
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  “Okay,” I say, my voice almost a whisper. He kisses me softly and releases me to grab his beer and head for the couch. Settling in with his back angled to a corner, he pulls me in against him so I’m facing away from him but against his body, with his arm securing me across the upper chest. It’s a comfortable, non-threatening position that settles me a little.

  “What do you want to talk about, Colby?”

  “Us.”

  “Okay.”

  “And Carol,” I say, and then hold my breath, waiting for him to push me away and say something I don’t want to hear.

  “Let’s start with Carol,” he says as he holds me a little tighter. “You were right. I was holding on to her, but I didn’t realize it. When she died it was so much easier to get up and go to work every day and pretend things hadn’t changed. Obviously, they had changed because when I came home she wasn’t there and I knew why. But if I didn’t go through her things and get rid of it all, I didn’t have to actually say goodbye. Colby, I’m going to be honest. I’ll always love her. She was a good wife and a good woman all around, but she’s gone and I want to move on.”

  That statement gives me conflicting feelings. I’m glad that his loyalty and honesty are such that he would admit he loves her and always will, but the part of me that’s all woman felt the sting of jealousy when he admitted she was a good woman and wife and that there will always be another woman he loves.

  “What about your house with her?”

  “On the market. I’m already out of there though. I went through everything and kept some pictures and some things from our life together, but I gave the rest of her belongings to members of her family to do with as they wanted. I can’t change the fact that I was married, nor do I want to. I also don’t think you’d want a man who would do that. But I can and did say goodbye.”