Painful Deliverance
Page 17
The calculation in his time might have only taken a moment, but in her mind she followed right through her visualisation of how to quickly get out of the bath before he could stop her. How she could get out and get away from the bathroom … get ahead of him. In case he snapped. He might not do so. But he might.
She looked at the sides of the bath - she would need to put her hands there quickly, to be able to raise herself up and off him, and then out of the bath.
Lincoln watched her although he really wasn't seeing her. All the way home on the plane this evening, and then in his car, he had been thinking about this. He didn't know where the thought had come from - he just knew that he had a need. And Lexi loved him - as he did her - and she would do it, without asking, like she did with everything he asked her to do. She was wonderful like that - so giving. So loving of him. So eager to please. He loved her so much for being the wonderful, generous person she was. They were meant to be together. Diana might be his wife, but Lexi was his soul mate.
He was so caught up in his own mind's chatter that he didn't immediately register that instead of tightening her hands around his neck, as he had told her to do, she had moved her hands to each side of the bath, steadied herself and quickly climbed out. Leaving him there. Leaving him hanging.
Alexis did not wait to look at him. She left the bathroom and went to her bedroom to get dressed. Fully dressed. Not just into clean, dry underwear - but jeans, socks, t-shirt and a thick, warm and comfortable hoodie. She wanted to be sexless - genderless. She wanted him to not see her as a woman. She wanted him to not see one tiny piece of her skin. She wanted … her life back. It hadn't seemed like a very wonderful life that she'd had before she had met him - doing a job that she didn't completely love or hate, but was pleasant enough to pass the time and pay her enough income to live on. Living in a small home that was run down but was still a roof over her head and a way for her to stay warm and dry at night. Back then she had sometimes dreamed of living differently - having a new home and a man who adored her - perhaps even kids. Now she wanted nothing to do with this life. She just wanted her old life back - her own home - her own space. A place that was just hers, which no-one else would invade. And she wanted to be alone. Every single night.
Lincoln sat in the bath and saw her move off him but wasn't quick enough to move his hands and stop her. His mind was somewhere else - he was somewhere else. He knew he was there, in Lexi's apartment - in the bath - but something was making everything so hazy.
He couldn't remember why they had been having a bath together. They had never bathed together before - he had watched her but he was never sitting like this when that happened. But he supposed that he had suggested it - had told her to have a bath with him. That was all he could think of, as any reason why he was lying in the bath in her apartment.
He lay there for a while after she left, enjoying the warmth of the water. His mind was hectic, darting from this thought to that, and he couldn't seem to focus at all.
He looked down at his body and could see that he must have been hard, but was now wilting slowly. He must have had sex with her, he thought to himself, even though he couldn't remember it. They must have had sex in the bathtub, and she got out after he finished.
Alexis went to the living room and waited, nervous. She had gotten herself fully prepared to leave if she had to - she was fully dressed with shoes on, and had placed a bag with her wallet and anything else she would immediately need, near the door … just in case she needed to get out of the apartment quickly.
She thought about grabbing a knife from the kitchen … just in case … but she knew he would quite possibly get turned on by the sight of it, rather than be scared if she showed it. He might even ask her to use it on him - to mark him with it.
No, he had not hurt her. He had kept that promise to her. She couldn't cry self-defence if anything happened. She would just sit and wait, and see what did happen.
The clock on the wall said 10.20pm. She would wait until 10.35pm and if he wasn't out by then she would go in. She would have to. In the state of mind he had been in, she didn't think it was too much of a thought that he might sink down into the water and not want to come up. And she couldn't let that happen. Something wasn't right with him now - since she had met him, something had changed deeply within him - but she wouldn't let that happen.
Lincoln tried to straighten out his mind but found he couldn't. And the water was getting colder. He couldn't stand tepid water. He had to have it hot. He considered refilling the bath with hot water, but didn't have any reason to stay in there now if Lexi had left the room. She was probably in her bedroom, waiting for him.
He then had a stark realisation that the thought of Lexi - his sweet, loving, beautiful Lexi - lying on her bed, naked and waiting for him … was not in any way arousing him. Even straight after having sex with her he often got hard again. But he just couldn't muster the arousal he would need. He reached down and touched himself to see if that would help, but he felt like his mind was fuzzy and dead. His body felt dead too. He wasn't himself - in a distant observation he conceded that he had known that for a while, but it wasn't important. Only his career - and making Lexi happy - was important to him now.
With that thought he roused himself out of the bath, let out the water, and grabbed a towel to start drying himself off. He himself had never had a proper bath in her apartment before - he had watched her do so, and he had used the shower, but it felt odd to be in the room by himself, without her beside him. But she would be waiting for him, so he had to hurry. When he was dry he stopped to look in the mirror. Sometimes now when he looked at himself, he hardly recognised himself. At a top level he was the same person - for the most part he looked exactly like he had done for the past ten years at least, except for a slight greying starting on his short sideburns. But sometimes when he looked in the mirror he felt like he was looking at someone else - a clone of his former self. And something in his eyes was different - at times it scared even him.
He wrapped the towel low around his waist and walked out of the bathroom and toward the bedroom. He was nervous because part of him - an essential part of him - did not seem to be awake, and that was new to him. That never happened to him when he was with Lexi. He desired her all the time. His body always wanted her.
As he went to enter the bedroom and stood in the doorway, expecting to see her spread out on the bed, he was stunned. She wasn't on the bed. She was not lying naked, spread out, waiting for him at all. He walked into the bedroom and felt himself get confused. Like he could identify something was wrong but he just didn't know what.
He turned slowly and walked down the hallway toward the living area, expecting then to see her naked, kneeling, with her head down, waiting for him.
Alexis heard his soft feet padding down the hallway toward her and she braced herself. She had to be strong now, even though she didn't feel strong. She felt nervous - no … scared.
When he arrived in the living area and saw her sitting on the sofa, not only fully dressed, but dressed enough for him to know that she was ready to leave if she had to, his confusion reached a new level.
She saw him enter the room and look at her, obviously not sure what was going on.
Lincoln stopped and just looked at her, unknowing of what had transpired or why she was where she was - why he was where he was. He walked toward her and knelt before her, reaching out with his hands to hug her, but saw her flinch and move backward on the sofa, as if to not let him touch her.
Alexis held her breath. She could see that he didn't seem to know anything was wrong. He thought everything was perfectly normal between them. He was so … unaware of anything anymore.
"Lexi, why do you seem afraid of me?" he asked quietly … serenely. So softly that it was almost as if his earlier request to her to tighten her hands around his throat, had not even happened.
He waited but she did not answer, and he became at least aware enough to sense something was seriously wrong.
When finally fully dressed, he looked at her again, not sure how to act or what to say to her.
He sat beside her and reached out and took her hand in his, trying to act normal to not let her sense how worried he was in that moment. He saw her reluctantly let him take and hold her hand.
Alexis looked at his face. She could see his vagueness. All of a sudden now he seemed safe and … normal.
"Lincoln, we cannot keep doing this," she started and immediately saw him start to speak. She found her voice - probably too late - and cut him off. "Things have changed and I am not the right person for … your needs."
"Alexis, don't say such a thing. I love you, and you are exactly the right person for me," Lincoln said, trying to maintain calm in what felt like extreme chaos right at his core.
"I don't want to do this anymore," she continued and saw his increasing confusion. "I cannot keep doing to you what you want me to. It hurts me."
"I have never hurt you!" he said forcefully, as if she had accused him of hitting her. "I promised you when first met you that I would never lay a hand on you, and I haven't! Why would you say such a thing?"
Lincoln felt a pain in his chest - his heart. He couldn't remember part of the evening - had he struck her? No, he couldn't have. He wouldn't.
Alexis stood up, their hands still together, and he stood up with her.
"Lincoln, please," she said, starting to cry softly. She was sad, and fearful, and regretful … so many emotions were running through her. And all she really knew was that she had reached a point where she could not go on … not like this.
He too felt fear flowing through him. Fear combined with worry, and frustration … and anger…
"Stop!" he yelled at her, surprising both of them.
Alexis immediately - naturally - dropped to her knees in extreme fear, putting her head down and not looking at him. But Lincoln couldn't see the fear. To him, she had changed her mind, and was back to wanting to please him.
He knelt in front of her and kissed her softly - infinitely with tenderness seeping out from him. Initially she was tense, resistant to it, but the more he kissed her, the more she melted. He was kissing her - really kissing her - like he could finally see her now. Like he was his old self for a moment. Inside she knew it could be a fleeting moment, but she let herself enjoy the feeling of his soft kisses. It had been a long time since he kissed her like that, and she lapped it up.
Lincoln kept himself aware of what was happening. Whatever had happened earlier had to be disregarded and forgotten. His Lexi was talking about leaving him - not seeing him anymore - and he couldn't let that happen. He had to stay in the moment and make sure she knew - make sure he could show her - how much she meant to him.
He kissed her softly until he felt her fully respond, and heard her groan. Then he stood up and held out his hands to her, guiding her up to stand with him once more. He pulled her into his arms, still kissing her softly, feeling her lean into him.
Alexis saw him hold out his hand to hers, and let him guide her into the bedroom, now keeping her beside him as an equal, instead of making sure she was behind him, as he usually did. While walking alongside him, she kept watching his eyes to see if he had changed again.
Once in the room, he became tender Lincoln again. He undressed her slowly, kissing each part of her skin as it was revealed. He undressed himself, and guided the two of them to lie back together, where he kissed her everywhere - made love to her, as he had not done in months - before settling in for the taste of her. He had always loved the taste of her and yet he couldn't now remember when he had last done this. He took his time, bringing her close and then easing off so that it would last longer. He didn't want to leave her, and needed to expand the time out, so she wouldn't ask him to leave.
Alexis knew this might be the last time she could enjoy his attentions like this, so lay back and let the feelings - the need - flow through her. When he was like this she did love being with him.
She felt it coming - it was building. He had been trying to stop it from happening so she would not climax soon, but the need to release was increasing, and then she was feeling it - that slope toward complete letting go.
Lincoln heard her call his name - as he had taught her to do long ago - as she climaxed heavily against his mouth. He could have stopped there, but instead kept going, softly at first and then, once her sensitivity had lessened, more intensely, determined to bring her to that point as many times as he could. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't.
After the second orgasm she had to stop him. She could sense his determination, but had no need herself to have orgasm after orgasm.
"Lincoln," she said to him softly - sadly - to gain his attention. He raised his head, not eager to move, but seeing her face, pulled himself up to lie between her legs and kiss her. He wasn't aroused himself - both of them could feel that - and he felt a sense of loss because of it. A sadness.
Alexis pulled him in and kissed him - passionately. And she didn't stop. She kissed him - caressed his lips and tongue with her own - until she felt him finally connect with her and start to work with her, kissing and caressing her also with his mouth, and then she felt him grow, as she heard him groaning against her mouth. For the moment it felt like his hunger was back, and she wanted to seize it - to capture it and hold it like it was a solid thing she could grip in her hand. Before it was lost again. Before he was lost again.
Lincoln felt himself melt against her. They were only kissing - with their bodies rubbing together - but he was waking up to it. And he hadn't done that for so long. He thought now that he had missed it - this closeness. It felt like he had missed it … and he wasn't sure why it was something they had not shared for so long.
Alexis took a condom from the bedside table and he positioned himself to let her put in on him. He watched her face - her lovely face. He had to kiss her again, and once ready nestled back where he had been, between her legs, and resumed kissing her as he slowly edged into her.
The feeling caused them to both moan out loud - it felt like such an incredibly long time since that feeling had been experienced. It was such a unique feeling - for her, feeling like she was being filled up - for him, feeling like he was sliding in to a warm enclosed space that was welcoming like a glove.
He didn't rush, instead taking his time and indulging in the feelings he was experiencing, which he found that he had missed. At home with Diana he still had sex with her, but it was always mechanical - roll on top, put it in her, orgasm, then roll off her and turn over to go to sleep. For her he could always perform as she wanted him to, and it was just a routine - a habit. He didn't even know if she enjoyed it - or really wanted it - or if it was just something the two of them did because they should do it, as husband and wife. This was different with Lexi - it had always been different with Lexi.
Alexis enjoyed this time with him, although she made sure to not touch him, for fear of scratching him and having him sink again into that dark place of what seemed to be, to her, pain worship. Instead she put her arms back over her head and held them there, giving him full control of what was happening, but not playing into any of the darker desires he seemed to now have.
As he moved inside of her he alternated between kissing her lips, and looking into her eyes, and for the first time in so long, she felt like he was really there with her - aware of her. It conflicted her because such a short time earlier she had resolved to end it all with him - to tell him she did not want him coming to see her anymore. But now he was back to his gentle self - his nice self.
Lincoln took his time, not wanting to end this pleasure. If it ended, then the time would come when the conversat
ion would start up again, and lying on top of her like this - inside of her - he didn't want to talk about them going their separate ways. He loved her too much.
No, she couldn't end things…
She couldn't.
Finally that time was reached and Alexis heard and felt him climax heavily inside her. He did not rush to move afterwards, like he usually did. He lay inside of her for a long time, still looking at her and kissing her, but eventually pulled away.
They both dressed in silence, not knowing what to say.
"I will see you on Monday?" he asked tentatively before he moved to leave, and saw her nod.
~~~~~
In the two months that followed, Alexis started putting together her plan. She liked her job and she did love the apartment that Lincoln had her set up in. But she wasn't made for delivering physical pain - or hurtful pleasure - or whatever it was that she was giving him - and she felt like she was slowly dying inside from having to give it, over and over again. Even though he'd had a slight respite where they shared simple pleasure again, he had ventured back to wanting her to hurt him, relatively soon after.
There hadn't been any mention of the bath again, or her putting her hands on his throat. She wasn't even sure he remembered it, he seemed so vague about it.
But she knew what she had to do, to save herself and find herself some form of a normal life again.
She had to make a break.
She had to get away from him.
It wouldn't be easy. A month earlier - around the time the whip had resurfaced in his needs, she remembered - she had suggested to him that he find someone else - someone who would enjoy doing the things he needed. Perhaps even a man, who would be able to offer more force … and other things.