by Aidan Truhen
But he’s already on his feet going out, running after her HEY LADY WHAT THE FUCK?
Tuukka sees him go running past. Hand comes up hits the guy just right just fucking perfect never seen anything like that, twisting sweeping the guy off his feet like Keaton like Chaplin but there’s no crashmat. Guy hits the ground head-first and he’s gone like switching a light off you can see it even here. Tuukka looks shocked: Oh hey mister god that’s terrible are you okay? Blood and brain in the gutter. Woman who doesn’t have the wallet never looks round. Tuukka pats the guy down. Phone’s just a phone. No wallet. Everyday story man she got his cash and he just ran and tripped I never saw anything like it I am from Finland we do not have street crime it’s not fucking Denmark you know.
Walk out slowly like I’m window shopping. No rush but don’t oversell it. Walk like I’m going somewhere. Walk. Check the reflection: Tuukka taps his gut. No dice. This is the phone, but it’s not the phone he was looking for. Dead guy on the ground is just some guy with a fist like my fist. Shame. He had a good feeling about this one.
He chooses my direction, and I have to step back a little to let him by. Big Finnish guy, lots of masculinity. Used to making his own space.
And he’s gone.
I need to pee real bad.
And after that it’s really time I killed the everliving fuck out of someone again or I’m gonna lose my momentum.
SO THERE’S THIS AUSTRALIAN GUY in some band and it turns out what Australian rock drummers really like to do when they’re on tour in this city is buy a big sack of coke wholesale so they don’t run out during whatever belly-shot groupie bath they’re having which would be like Pee-wee Herman–grade uncool. And so this guy goes ahead and does this and because he is totally on trend and on point there’s really only one branded substance he’s going to want and he’s going to want that substance and he’s going to snort it off the tits of Miss Nebraska who is in no way averse to this so long as she also gets to jump his bones and make a sex tape and that is what they do. They do things that are definitely illegal in Texas and then they do those things a couple more times in ways that require some sort of trapeze which they improvise using hotel furniture and bath robes, which I have to admit is some pretty fucking impressive cocaine DIY although I gather the management is not entirely cool with it. And their sex tape is basically like three days of sex between gigs and there are all kinds of people there like producers and hackers and a couple critics from The New York Times drop by and talk Kierkegaard real quickly for four hours while Red Kat Bonanza—this being this guy’s actual name apparently because Australia—does something naked and ejaculatory in the background with Miss Nebraska. It’s a real scene like Warhol like Studio 54 like this club I went to in London one time where you ate strawberries off of Italian women while they sang opera. Or Italian men if that was your bag but those fuckers were made like Pavarotti and it was real hard to find the strawberries because manscaping was still kinduva niche thing back then and anyway not part of the mood.
Like that.
So here is Red Kat Bonanza and he is hoovering it up like a dugong and boning and on and on and then suddenly he is really not well at all. And this is where you have to acknowledge the existence of God right like I have to raise my voice to the reverberate hills and sing hallelujah like Jeff Buckley who Red Kat in no way shape or form resembles because Jeff had talent coming out his ass and Red Kat is successful sort of because he has none and this makes him angry and his anger kinda resonates with the same kind of particular miserable underpaid fuckhead.
Because it seems that Miss Nebraska is not merely the owner-operator of some of the nation’s finest bazooms she is also a fucking trained expert in bioweapons from the U.S. Marine Corps and she takes one look at Red Kat and she calls her old boss who is now at CDC and she quarantines that motherfucker and she puts the hotel in lockdown and now that motherfucking Beyoncé cocaine is the single least wanted commodity in the criminal world like toxic fucking waste is more desirable and so also the Seven Demons are maybe a little toxic by association and if there is one thing that will maybe shake their altogether cosy financial- and fear-based relationship with the city’s powers that be it is the sudden and pissed off arrival of pretty much every Homeland Security agent in the entire world ever with the biggest killboner that very erectile organisation has ever seen.
Funny story about anthrax: there are worser things can happen to a body and there are several kindsa anthrax that are actually perfectly okay to get so long as you treat them smartly and this is one of those kinds. It’s pretty hard to catch and hard to transmit and it is not real durable because I am not and have never been a total fucking idiot but it is also real hard to distinguish from another kind of anthrax which basically is what bioweapons people go to bed at night praying they never meet and by comparison to which an Ebola outbreak or a fucking zombie apocalypse would be vastly and irretrievably preferable. So when someone has this kind of anthrax it pretty much guarantees a most hostile overreaction and that is what we get. For like a week there is literally nothing you can do if you are a criminal except drink and go shopping because sure as fuck no sort of illegal activity is a great idea. And during that period of course the whole sorry story about a new criminal element comes out like how I’m this ordinary professional felon (identity unknown) doing ordinary orderly professional felon shit and then into this respectable fucking environment where rich people and the scaffolding community are served with high-quality coke and no one at all ever suffers by it and maybe even a few cops have been known to get some of their substances through this incredibly genteel and cost-effective service, into this happy situation comes this fucking punk rock military asshole machine making waves and serving up dead people and anthrax to the masses. Farewell to the Pale Peruvian Stallion and hello to Beyoncé and that shit is not so good for you and maybe comes from some sophisticated anti-American scheme like in all those movies where someone does ruin to our great nation with sub-standard adulterated or dangerous narcotics.
Rumour is that Beyoncé herself is majorly pissed and you can so entirely see why. Here is a self-made woman with opinions and success who has lived through some shit and is a fucking survivor and she is also this terrific artist and now not only is some human dumpster fire abusing her intellectual property and her personal brand by trading a fucking illegal drug under her name but they are poisoning those drugs and attacking these United States. She is pissed like Capone pissed like Captain America punching out Hitler. Like she is going to come to this city and get shit done is what, and actually maybe I should just stop here and let Beyoncé fuck up the Seven Demons and their whole damn lives. Because you know she totally could do that. And if she did do that it would be like eight minutes from there to President Beyoncé and again I say to you that Jack Price is a man who affects the world in positive motherfucking ways because: President fucking Beyoncé. Yeah you better vote.
So yeah I’m in a hot tub at a love hotel in the garment district with a new phone thinking about sex because that is what the words President Beyoncé should damn well do to anyone.
INCOMING TEXT MESSAGE. Like SMS. Who even sends those any more?
Also: who sends them to a number no one even fucking has? Well other than marketing. This is not marketing.
HEY PRICE.
Who has this number? Oh: Hi Sarah.
Hi Price. YOU DISMAL FUCK.
You got the money and stuff.
Yeah nice tx
Ok
What are you doing?
Whut?
Im bored. This is shit.
Yeah I guess
Fuck you Price
You said that.
I’m afraid and I’m alone and I can’t believe I’m bored. How am I possibly bored? People will kill me if I go outside.
Probably not smart to text too much.
What are you doing?
>
Taking 5.
Anthrax thing was you wasn’t it?
I couldn’t say.
Thought so.
Sarah I don’t know what to tell you. This is shit for you but it is what it is and to be honest you were pretty clear about your take on me so.
I have Stockholm Syndrome.
You’re thinking of going to the Demons? They will kill you.
Yeah now you want to talk.
No if you go you go that’s your choice but you’ll die.
Or you will.
What can you give them about me that they don’t have?
Fucking nothing. Except maybe me.
Yeah that ship is on the water.
So you say.
Yes.
What are you doing?
What does that even mean?
Shall I tell you what I’m doing?
Yeah sure
Accept multimedia image: y/n?
I shouldn’t open that, Sarah, you might be compromised.
O believe me Price I am compromising the hell out of myself here.
Did you just send me a nekkid selfie?
Open it and find out.
I don’t think so.
Yeah well your loss Price.
Yeah.
Stockholm Syndrome Price.
Yeah. Bye Sarah.
Fuck you Price.
Accept multimedia image: y/n?
n
Accept multimedia image: y/n?
n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n n not y y y but n n n and FUCK IT.
n
Sarah’s right. Being on the run is shit, even when there’s a hot tub.
IT’S MID MORNING AND THE VODKA IS OPEN and there’s black bread on the table and pickles. Also some kind of nameless ham. The tea house has black walls and old oak tables and someone’s smoking in the corner, blue smoke like dye in water.
Hey Price! You don’t eat ham?
I’m all about the ham Volodya just not today.
Is great ham. I make it myself.
Yeah I figured.
You don’t trust my ham?
Before it was ham did it drive a Hilux up the wrong dirt track in Newfoundland and knock on your door with a bad attitude?
Fuck Price that is nasty.
Man gotta ask.
Fuck you are nasty that is the most nasty thing I ever heard. Is goat for fuck’s sake. Perfectly ordinary mountain goat like maybe height of your thigh. Curing very difficult. Real touch and go process okay because you don’t want too much smoke but if not enough then obviously problems with preservation. It is a proud skill for me okay Price not some bullshit trophy thing like Stalingrad.
I was thinking of Stalingrad.
Fuck Price don’t do that okay? Everyone where I was born is fucking obsessed with Stalingrad it’s like Elvis in Mississippi. One of the best reasons to never go back there: never have to talk about if I am better than Zaytsev ever again. Of course I am fucking better than Zaytsev that asshole made up his entire shit. No König no fucking duel in the ruins no fucking whatever the fuck. Fuck Zaytsev is what I’m saying okay? Eat some fucking ham. Is goat.
Okay.
Okay.
It’s good ham.
Should be that asshole ate at Joël Robuchon’s place every day for a month before he flew to Newfoundland…I kid Price seriously don’t spit the ham okay? Damn you believe some appalling shit about people.
You are an evil old fuck.
Yes that actually I am. Come on! We drink! Akilles is on the knife edge.
Yeah no doubt. What’s he going to do?
Do? Oh fuck Price that asshole is weak as shit. What you think he will do? He will come tell me politely to go fuck myself. But he also is not going to tell anyone about our conversations because he knows they will know he had some hesitation in this decision.
Yeah.
We still good?
We are still good.
Ham is goat Price okay? Jesus.
Okay.
NOT SO MANY COPS ON THE STREETS NOW. Anthrax scare is getting a little bit less scary now it’s clear there wasn’t all that much of it. Not that anyone’s going to want that fucking impostor coke any more that is not happening. They’ll maybe try again but they’ve got to understand there are lines now and that right there is already me winning because the Seven Demons are not supposed to acknowledge lines and I have made them forget that. Of course if they kill me that lesson is kinda academic so best not to crack the Dom just yet.
Miss Nebraska has a talk radio deal. Whatever man.
Red Kat Bonanza is recovering well and is under about fifty different kinds of arrest for possession of everything and also sex with a groupie who turns out to have been seventeen. I’m shocked I tell you shocked to discover that seventeen-year-old girls fuck rock musicians. We must put a stop to this madness or our whole society will end in nuclear fire because as we know this is what female teenage orgasms inevitably lead to.
So the city is waking up again and this means it’s time to boogie. Hi there is that Marla? Hi it’s Rufus Agincourt yeah I emailed yeah exactly I just wanted to sort out some details?
Well hi Rufus I am so delighted to talk to you today and Loving Sky Celebrations is so delighted to work with you on your proposal plans.
Thank you Marla I so really very much want him to say yes do you think I’m putting too much pressure on him doing it this way?
No no Rufus I think this is just a romantic gesture like romantic as anything and the way you tell it he is all but shouting out that he wants a ring on that finger.
That’s what I think but you know what if I’m misreading the whole thing?
You’re so not sweetie it’s gonna be fine he’s gonna love this. That letter he wrote you when you were away in Paraguay that is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever seen in twenty years as a planner. And I just think you all are made for one another.
Okay Marla let’s get to it!
Okay! Well okay! You said you wanted this to be big and loud and exciting am I right?
Yes I did I want the world to be watching when he says yes.
Then Rufus the first thing we need to do is talk confetti okay because exactly what kind of confetti a couple wants that’s the best barometer for all kinds of style choices. Now I know that your partner—what is his name again?
Tuukka. He’s from Finland.
I just love that and I picture him riding this sled with dogs pulling it and whisking you away through the snow!
That is what it’s like Marla every damn day is a dog-sled ride.
Awwww shucks so Tuukka isn’t part of this conversation OBVIOUSLY as it is a surprise but tell me some of his favourite colours okay?
Well he likes aqua and what is that other blue that is like azure but more like I think it begins with an S?
Indigo?
No like it begins with an S?
Cyan?
No that’s not it longer like more poetic I can’t—
I’m going out on a limb Rufus and I’m gonna say you’re thinking of cerulean?
Yes that’s it! He loves that. He wanted to paint the living room that colour in his old apartment but the landlord was heavily into his minimalist whites.
Well okay do you think just lots of amazing tints of blue or do you want maybe some orange or some gold in there to make a contrast?
Oh I think that would be amazing we went to this jazz bar one time and it was all blue and gold and that would be perfect.
Well I can definitely do that for you for sure.
That’s great of you, thank you. Now there is one thing can I maybe get some little pieces of poetry in there like I will write them on little pieces of paper and like my love will be raining down
on him in the middle of all that colour and light?
Oh Rufus that is so nice hang on let me…Hmm okay Rufus that’s more of a problem because we don’t have the capability to pack our own unless you don’t mind working with our vendor which you can. We have a very good relationship with a firm over by the river mouth and they will pack anything for you but I’m afraid there’s an extra cost.
Well Marla I don’t care about the cost I just want him to be showered in my words you know like Zeus came to his lovers in a shower of gold I mean oh gosh that sounds a little porno doesn’t it. God how I mean wow that’s so NOT where I was going!
Rufus that’s fine sweetie. I knew exactly what you meant and I’m a grown-up girl okay there’s no cause for alarm. Listen you call this number I’m emailing you now and you talk to Matt there. He is kinda gruff but he’s actually a real star and he will take you through the whole process and I think they even have this DIY option where they spec the whole thing for you and you can buy propellant online and just put whatever you like in the main delivery space so in the worst case you know get all your friends round and cut up some crêpe paper and so on and shove it in but don’t overstuff it okay because you don’t want to fire a little paper cannonball at your partner right?
No Marla that would be just terrible as he recently lost a family member to cannon fire I mean that would be awful.
Oh gosh I can’t believe I said that I didn’t even know there were still cannons in the world was he like in Europe?
No no he was one of those re-enactment people they have in the South? Tuukka’s family is a little odd maybe but you know it’s not them I’m marrying.
Right no of course but I mean gosh.
Yes absolutely.
I’m so—
No Marla please don’t worry at all it was silly of me to mention it. I’m going to talk to Matt and then come back to you with credit cards and all that and we’ll go from there okay?
Okay! And I’ll have the boys polish up the gold-plate drones for you so they are just completely shining and when that confetti comes out of the sky honey and you’re down on one knee. That’s gonna be the single most important moment of his life.
