by Aidan Truhen
Yes Marla I truly think it might be.
OKAY GUY SO HAVE YOU DONE molecular gastronomy before?
Yeah Mr. Cobb I have but you know more modest I’m looking to take this to the next level.
Just Cobb man just Cobb.
Oh okay gotcha Cobb it is. But yeah anyway yeah I’ve done a little but small scale.
Right okay because not everyone is suited to this kind of cooking right because it’s real scientific.
Yeah I get that I mean I am a research chemist so you know—
Oh right good because that was the next thing I was gonna say to you like you really have to be aware that this stuff is not just cold like ice it’s cold like you have to treat it like a mixture of napalm and a chainsaw right because it will basically just take off any part of your body it touches right. I mean it’s not fucking Woodstock with his tongue on an ice cube man, it’s like amputation and then if you were to allow it to come in contact with something real hot like boiling fat or whatever I don’t even want to consider what the fuck that would look like but if you’re a chemist you’re presumably all au fait and stuff.
Yeah I am Cobb that is exactly it. I am au fait. Like for a while I had to do an aluminium and iron oxide reaction on a semi-regular basis you know what that is?
Yessir I surely do that is one seriously motherfucking exothermic motherfucker.
Column of white fire Cobb. The military call that stuff thermite.
Yes indeed.
So I am au fait.
I can confidently say that you are Dr. Agincourt.
Please call me Rufus.
So how much this liquid nitrogen you wanting?
Probably not that much I just need to do some scrambled egg ice cream right but I’m gonna need to practise you know?
Right okay I’m gonna put you down for two separate pints and I’m guessing you’ll want some safety gear and so forth? We got these silver space mitts they’re pretty agile and obviously tongs and so on.
Yeah that’s great and I’ll need one of those high-grade thermos things so I can have the stuff standing by the table without taking the edge off of the chill.
That’s okay man that’s how we transport. Okay look I gotta warn you this whole shebang ain’t inexpensive.
That is fine Cobb I’m pretty sure it’s gonna be worth it.
HI, CHARLIE, YOU THERE?
Hi boss I am entirely here.
Tell me you are in like Nova Scotia or some shit.
Or some shit boss yeah.
Nova Scotia would be ideal.
Yeah no but yeah but no.
Okay well Charlie there is a thing that I need.
Name it.
It will not be simple Charlie and it is not safe.
Boss answer me one question.
Yeah.
Was the anthrax thing you?
Yes.
Goddam boss that is cold. All right wait I have another question.
Okay Charlie what is your other question.
There’s a couple like in a chain.
Okay.
Will I get paid?
Yes.
Will someone die?
Yes.
Will it be like fucking atrociously awesome?
Yes.
When this is all over will I be able to talk about it?
Sure Charlie always presuming that it ends with me not dying and that you do not have your discussions with representatives of law enforcement per our usual agreements on that topic sure.
Then I am so in man I can’t believe you had to ask.
Well you know it’s been a trying time.
Yeah boss totally. What do you need?
I need you to do some real offensive artwork and then I need you to break into a secure computer system remotely. Put that artwork in every corner like everywhere and then dick around. No need for any serious penetration just so you’re really annoying. Fuck up the clock and delete the printer driver. As much dick as possible to no reasonable or respectable end. Embarrass yourself. When you know you’ve gone too far do more of that until you come out the other side and then start again.
How secure?
Like totally. Front end of a relay that probably uses Poltergeist at the back.
Uh boss no can do that shit is locked up tight man.
No serious stuff no data collection just to mess with superficials.
Can you get me a local node?
I do not know what that is.
Like a phone that’s connected whatever.
Yes I can get that.
Weeeeelll okay maybe if I just could maybe fire in a—
(La la la I have no idea what Charlie is saying now because it has words like hex and porting and la la la. Magic.)
So that would help?
That would help but—
It’s Karenina and she’s gonna be stretched real thin in a few hours.
The Russian bitch who totally turned on you? Oh shit yeah boss now I have a chaos boner.
And that’s good right?
Just get me the phone. I am all fucking kinds of strong in the Force for this motherfucker.
YOU WANT TO FIND TUUKKA you only have to follow Akilles of course and now I pretty much always know where he is because he and Volodya are having this intense platonic log cabin motherfucker negotiation which Volodya says is going nowhere. So there goes Tuukka the huntsman and he really loves his gymnasium oh yes. There he is doing some kind of crazy flying pressup plank thing and there he is benchpressing an aircraft carrier and my gosh isn’t he strong and la la la. It is possible that weights talk is the only talk on earth more boring than coke talk.
And gosh oh look here we are at the south end of the square and there is Marla and here am I and there is Tuukka by the market at the north end and she knows because she has seen our anniversary photos. Time for the most romantic moment! Tuukka sees me and he is running towards me and I am running towards him and slo mo! Oh gosh how amazing and there is Marla’s video crew because you would not wish this kind of private moment to be lost to YouTube that would just be wrong.
Tuukka is slowing down dead in the middle by the fountain because what the actual fuck am I thinking and I’m shouting I LOVE YOU at the top of my voice and the guy on the vegetable stand is clapping and there’s a little crowd. It is a real twenty-first-century iconic moment.
Oh yes it fucking is.
Right on time there’s the drone like a little robot cupid and the band strikes up over on my left because of course I had to have a band I mean what’s romance without music and because we are modern and cool and ironic I figured the most romantic thing would be a swing version of Gangnam Style and so that is what Tuukka hears when he should be hearing the little rotors getting closer.
Now everyone’s clapping because this is a thing that happens in the city. This thing of performance marriage proposals and even if Tuukka has absolutely no fucking idea what these people are on, he knows they are not assuming he’s going to shoot me in the head, and he also knows because here I am that I’m also not. And he rightly regards that as extremely fucking suspicious but here is the thing: Tuukka is a hunter. He has a particular mindset and it is not a prey mindset. He knows about taking precautions but once he has begun his kill run he has real trouble imagining there might be a fucking pit full of stakes under those leaves.
So he stops and I get down on my knees and Marla hits the button to shower him in confetti and—
At last Tuukka hears the drones and the left one is all blue and gold confetti just like a goddam half-time show and the second one is—
He is so. Fucking. Fast.
I tell you you gotta see it I mean wow like superhero fast like jumpcut fast. Instead of getting a faceful of liquid nitrogen he gets his head entirely out o
f the way and it splashes on his leg and makes a hole in his left hand like a chunk of ice, about right for whisky if you’re a fucking philistine who takes ice, falls out of his palm and onto the ground BLOP and the whole square is quiet for just that instant like when you say clitoris to the guy next to you at a dinner party with your boss’s southern evangelical wife just as her teenage daughter brings in the trifle not that I have ever done that and specifically not at the Hendersons’ in 1998 that was a huge misunderstanding.
BLOP.
These are city people and they see some pretty intense shit but they have never seen anything like this and they are staring because you do when that kind of fucking insanity happens right in front of you. They just stare and then someone says damn. But damn like when you mean it and have never meant anything so much before in your life.
Tuukka does not scream.
Motherfucker does not scream in fact he looks pissed and looks at his leg and tries to stand on it and come and fuck me the fuck up. Fortunately his leg is not fully functional because—
BLOPBLOP.
That is a large part of his quadricep. Tuukka’s muscle days are going to be on hold awhile until he gets some expensive fucking corpse nerve-and-muscle transplant therapy and yes really that is a real thing. I’m saying six months until he can chase me down the street and nine until he can actually catch me but Tuukka still isn’t screaming even though there’s like Tuukkacicle all over the flagstones and a fucking pigeon is pecking at it. Tuukka is pissed.
I hit him with a plank. You always bring a plank to a drone fight.
He goes down hard and there’s the phone and I need that so I go for it and that is a mistake because Tuukka is not just nitrogen-proof he is plank-proof also and seriously what? Is that fucker getting up?
Colour me just a little impressed right now. I mean sure I have basically shot him with a cauterising death squirter and so he’s not bleeding out but even so man holy shit that’s gotta sting. I hit him with the plank again. BONK. He goes down. I give him one more in the head and figure that should do it and the cops are seriously on their way at this point so fuck it catch you later and I run and Tuukka the log cabin motherfucker will. Not. Stay. Down. I should have just shot him but hey hindsight you try being me and see if you last long enough to piss on your own balls.
Motherfucker. Actually thinks he can still do something here. Face looks like a broken egg from when I hit him with the plank. Motherfucker cannot see. Cannot run. What the fuck does he think he’s about?
Pistol out and Marla still has the drone remote in her hands. Tuukka turns and fires: Zen archery log cabin motherfuckery. BLAMBLAM! Marla is lucky today: Tuukka’s leg is wobbling and he just clips her, bullet catches the meat on one arm. She goes down screaming and that’s roughly when the band leave their oompah and just take the fuck off through the west gate and I go south as fast as my little feet can carry me because there are bullets like everywhere. Gun sounds like it’s a machine pistol that’s how fast he can pull the trigger and how the fuck many shots are there in a gun these days like fifteen? And no he does not hit me and I run and I hear one of those fucking shells and it has gone past me by the time I hear it and I know because the guy selling ice cream just fucking explodes like his neck is gone and he’s a PEZ dispenser and then I look back and Tuukka is WALKING. What the fuck is this guy on? He’s using his leg like a fucking prosthetic like just locked in place and tied off with his belt around the knee and my plank for fuck’s sake and he’s hobbling and it folds under him and his other leg moves fast enough that he catches himself and keeps coming like a half-crushed fucking spider. Scuttle scuttle drag drag round the fountain past the fucking in memoriam benches Stan We Will Always Love You and This Is Where He Proposed To Me. Tuukka does not stop to take in these happy memories of dead boomers he’s just scuttle scuttle drag drag and all the time fucking pointing that damn gun at me like it’s on a string tied to my fucking face. Six foot but bent down to four and a half and he’s fucking crushed spider running now with his gun out ahead of him and he’s reloading on the fucking move.
What. The. Actual.
Yeah okay you gotta say this guy belongs in post man. Like for realz.
He shoots my wallet in my left coat pocket like I feel it tug and there’s just a hole and that could just as easily have been my fucking kidney.
And then I’m out of the line of fire and in the subway and then out and up and over and gone. And running and running and still running because that is what you do when the monster is after you. Run and run until you can’t and then run some more as soon as you can. Round and down and away because everyone in the city is looking for your geostrata Frankenstein motherfucker face.
And well shit.
Well we’ll call that one a draw.
Oh that was no fun at all and I feel like shit and I am sweating like what—
Oh son of a bitch there is just a little bit missing there on the left side of my stomach hey. Huh. Well that is inconvenient.
And turns out that it hurts.
Probably it’s not gonna kill me. I’m not a doctor but it looks actually it’s fucking disgusting and there’s blood.
Be good to stop the bleeding definitely. That’s fine. There’s a plan for that. I got a place I can go. Be good if I could just sit down awhile though.
That would be good.
WAKE UP OR DIE MOTHERFUCKER that’s right I’m talking to you. You better open your fucking eyes.
Whozat?
It’s you dumbass. I’m like your inner smarter you.
Oh right.
You are Jack fucking Price and this is indulgent shit you cannot afford falling asleep in a fucking alley in a bed of trashcans you will die dumbass. Get up.
Yeah yeah ina minute.
No now like right now.
Okay I’m up.
Nope. Nope you’re not. Here tell you what let me just—
Blindwhiteagony like nothing Jesus…sitting on my balls …finger in a door…tonguebite…beatdown…someone screaming like a steer on the cutting block.
Okay motherfucker you awake now?
Just gonna puke hang on then I will fuck your shit up.
Yeah anything goes soldier so long as you get the fuck off the ground.
I’m an asshole.
Yeah. Now get gone.
Yeah I hear ya.
One foot in front of the other, and eventually you’re gonna get somewhere.
GET SOME OFF-BOOK MEDICAL ATTENTION courtesy of Poltergeist. Get some cash get a new place get clean. Get a jacuzzi get a jazz bar choose a new suit new look. No more dives. That’s it. If I’m gonna die I’m gonna die five star.
Order a coffin in my size get it sent to a place. Fucking red satin motherfucker. Fucking guns and naked chicks on the scrollwork fucking disgraceful thing no one should even consider. Fucking coffee machine in there and a fucking bell: ring for coffee service. Because good taste can go fuck itself. When I go there will be weeping and wailing. There will be a party. There will be fear and shame and mountains of fucking free coke is what. People will say my name. They will put me on T-shirts like Hendrix and Guevara. They will name rock bands after me and the girl your mama is terrified you’ll end up with will have a tramp stamp with my face on her perfect roses-and-cream ass. That’s fucking immortality right there: a million pornstars and strippers and groupies and emos and hipster chicks and rock-and-roll rebels for generations to come will lie face down and ask for the needle just so they can be touched by my ghost mouth by my soul in the ink.
When I go.
But not today.
Because there is business and you know I take that kind of thing real seriously.
VOIP OUTGOING: location scrambled encryption through a Swiss system called Vielleicht and then back through Poltergeist and then la la la and if you try to backtrace you get digital fuc
king herpes which Karenina seriously isn’t going to care about right now because—
Price? Is that you you fucking asshole?
Hi Karenina are we not friends any more?
Price this is fucking bush league.
Oh you got my message.
You fuck! You have fucked with me like to make me look bad. You know how CHILDISH that fucking is how fucking weak-ass? I have to explain is all you can do. You just have spite is what. Is unprofessional is RUDE to make me look bad in new gig. No other reason! Is for shit okay? Fuck you old friend just fuck you!
Yeah no I mean I wanted to make a point to your Seven Demon friends wait how are we dealing with that now because I mean shit there definitely were seven and now it’s what four and a half if we include you? How’s the probationary period coming by the way? Is it working out?
You know very well how you pigfucking shitmonkey is not good because there is bullshit in my system from you and your fucking childish bitch. I know is Charlie okay I know! No need for this Price we are friends and we are enemies but was not necessary that we hold one another in contempt is what I’m saying just no fucking need for that at all. Can be enemies maybe there is a resolution then friends again but now not. Now no way. Now it is fucking I am on your ass is what, okay Price?
(Charlie sent me a little file and I have to say she has excelled herself here and I can completely see why Karenina is a little miffed because all over her screens and in all the connected devices there are images which are basically a little NSFW. Every time the Seven Demons turn on their phones right now they get a picture of their little cute manga devil getting Chuck Tingled by a white horse in Peruvian military uniform and this apparently is not sitting well with their systems engineer who feels it reflects poorly on her professional competence. Which it does but that’s kinduv unfair because it’s about all we can do. Apart from fuck with the printer settings which I gather Karenina is less pissed about although I’m guessing it’s not really softening her mood that the LaserJet is running self-tests every fifteen to twenty seconds in a slowly accelerating loop which Charlie says is arrhythmical for maximal annoyance.)
