Find You in the Dark

by A. Meredith Walters

  I found myself fighting the need to call Clay. Even though two weeks had passed since we had broken up, it did nothing to deaden the pain. I wanted to see him so badly that I finally made Rachel erase his number from my phone.

  Because the heartbreaking truth was if Clay wanted to see me, he would have. The fact that he had made zero effort confirmed all of my deepest fears. That he didn't love me as much as he said he did. Otherwise, how could he stay away from me like this?

  Then there were the days I worried something had happened to him. What if he had hurt himself? I would have to talk myself off the ledge of a full blown freak out by convincing myself that Ruby or Lisa would have notified me if that had happened. Despite the fact that Clay had cut me out of his life completely, they had to know that I would want to know.

  Okay, so I eventually caved and drove by Clay's house one Friday. I just wanted to make sure he was all right. I was relieved when I saw Clay's car in the driveway as well as the fact it was the only one there. He must be home alone.

  I slowed down as I passed by, my eyes flickering up to his window on the second floor. Of course I couldn't see anything, but I couldn't stop myself from wondering what he was doing. I had to push aside the scary thoughts of him cutting himself or worse.

  I had put my pedal down on the accelerator and drove away as fast as I could.

  And I had thought that was it. I had decided from that point on that I needed to put Clay and our destructive relationship behind me. I felt firm in my resolve.

  And then it all crumbled around me.

  Chapter Twenty

  The days all started to blur together. The pre-Clay boredom came back with a numbing quickness. My old routines started all over again and the excitement to begin my day every morning had dwindled into non-existence.

  I tried not to think about him. But it was hard. Everything seemed to carry with it a memory of our time together. We hadn't been a couple for long. The time from when I had met Clay Reed until the moment of our separation was a blip in the grand scheme of my life. Or at least I tried to tell myself.

  But the truth was he had bulldozed his way into my life and there was no going back. Though I had worked hard to convince myself that ending things with him-(okay, so I didn't have much say in any of that, but it's amazing how you can warp things in your mind to make them palpable-) was the right thing to do, it didn't erase how incomplete I felt without him.

  I thought I had done a semi-decent job of pretending I was okay until I opened my locker after school on the Monday, three weeks post break up, and a piece of paper fluttered to my feet. My heart seized up, my stomach dropped to the floor. I was hit by a wave of de ja-vu.

  With trembling hands, I lifted the paper from the floor and unfolded it. Butterflies. Of course. What else would it be? And along the bottom, in Clay's frantic hand were the words, I have learned that sometimes “sorry” is not enough. Sometimes you actually have to change.

  Gah. What was I supposed to do with this? My eyes darted around the empty hallway, looking for him. But he was nowhere to be seen. Should I call him? Should I crumple up the drawing and forget about it? I was stuck with uncertainty.

  So instead, I folded it up carefully and put it in my book bag. When I got home, I couldn't resist taking out the picture and tacking it to my mirror. I stared at it for a long time. The ice around my heart crumbled a bit. But I didn't call him. I just couldn't.

  The next day I found another picture in my locker. This one was of my face. I had no idea when he had drawn this one. It wasn't one I recognized. My hair was swept over one shoulder and I was looking off into the distance with a dreamy look on my face. The beauty of it took my breath away. There was nothing written on this one. I felt sad and torn.

  Each day was a different drawing. Some with sayings on the bottom, some without. But each one conveyed Clay's longing in a heart stopping way. On Friday, I found a picture of what could only be the swimming hole, where we had gone on that first day. Clay had written The most perfect memories are the ones too painful to forget.

  I didn't hear Rachel come up behind me. She grabbed the paper from my hand before I could hide it. I swallowed thickly as she looked at it, her brows furrowed. “Is this from him?” She asked before handing it back.

  I nodded. “Yeah.” I answered, shoving it into my book bag. “What's that all about?” She asked me as we left the school. I shrugged, not bothering with a verbal response. “Mags, it looks like he's trying to win you back. You aren't going there are you?” She asked me angrily.

  I stopped in the middle of the side walk and faced my best friend. “I don't know, Rachel! All I do know is I feel like I can't breathe! I'm miserable without him!” I said, trying to get her to see what he meant to me.

  Rachel sighed. “I know. But you can't forget how miserable you were with him either.” She said. I knew she was right. But that didn't stop my heart from swelling up at the thought of him wanting me again.

  Yeah, I was an idiot.

  I was about to suggest to Rachel that we go see a movie, anything to get my mind off of my drama, when my cell phone chirped in my pocket. I pulled it out. Even though I had erased his number, I recognized it instantly.

  The text read, Will you meet me at the swimming hole? I need to see you. Fuck. What do I do?

  “Who was that?” Rachel asked suspiciously. I tucked my phone back into my pocket and gave her the fakest smile I could muster. “My mom. She just wanted to know what I'd like for dinner.” I lied. Rachel gave me a look that said 'you are a liar.' “Then why didn't you text her back?” Rachel asked me. I gave the most insincere laugh possible. “Oh, yeah. Duh!” I pulled out my phone and pretended to send a reply.

  “Mmm. Chinese.” I said lamely. Rachel frowned but didn't push the issue. “So, I'm guessing you have plans with your parents this evening then?” Yeah, I wasn't fooling her in the least. I cleared my throat. “Uh, yeah, looks that way. I'll call you later.” I said, heading toward my car. My heart was thudding in my chest.

  “Hey, Mags.” Rachel called out as I got into my car. I turned around, plastering a smile to my face. “Yeah?” I yelled back. “Just be careful. You know, with your parents.” She said and then turned around to get in her own car.

  I got into the driver seat and sat there for a moment taking deep, calming breaths. When that didn't work, I turned on the radio to try and settle my jangled nerves. I got out my phone and punched in a quick reply to Clay's question.

  Sure. Be there in ten.

  I waited for a moment to see if Clay would text anything back, but my phone stayed silent. Okay. Well, I guess he'd just meet me there. I pulled out of the parking lot and made my way to the swimming hole. What did Clay want? A million different scenarios went through my head. I wasn't sure I was emotionally strong enough to resist him if he told me he wanted me back.

  I had missed him so much. I literally craved him like I craved caffeine in the morning. But I forced myself to remember the way he had treated me the last time I saw him. I also thought about how he had effectively shut me out when I had wanted nothing more than to help him.

  Rachel had said she'd never want a love like that. But did I?

  I pulled into the field by the swimming hole and parked beside Clay's BMW. He was already here. Of course he was. I got out of the car and took a deep breath. Well, here goes nothing.

  I stomped through the tall grass and went into the trees. After a few more minutes, I got to the river. I saw Clay sitting on a rock by the water. He looked up when I arrived and I had to stifle a gasp at his appearance.

  He looked horrible. He seemed to have lost weight and his complexion was ashy. Here was a man who had been to hell and back. I didn't know what to say. Everything I had imagined telling him slipped from my mind and I was at a loss.

  “Maggie.” He said quietly, getting to his feet. I didn't move toward him. I started to feel the tell tell signs of my weakening and I tried to stay firm. So I didn't go to him, even as I fantasize
d about throwing myself into his arms. This boy had hurt me. Badly. I had to retain some control. Some, what do you call it? Oh, yeah. Self-respect.

  “Hi, Clay.” I said and was proud of how cold my voice sounded. Clay winced at the chilly reception. He put his hand through his hair. It had grown out in the three weeks since I had seen him, the curls brushing his collar.

  “You look beautiful.” He said softly, giving me a hint of the smile that I loved. I refrained from straightening my hair like a moron and instead stared cooly back at him. “And you look like shit.” I told him harshly. Wow, that was hateful. The bitch was out in force!

  “Direct as always.” He remarked, scratching the side of his neck in nervousness. “What do you want, Clay? Cause I've got to get home soon.” I stated, getting to the point. Clay sighed and started to come toward me. But then, as though he picked up on my need for physical space, he stopped.

  “I just needed to see you. I've missed you. So much.” He told me, his eyes meeting mine. “Yeah. Well, you made your feelings on seeing me pretty obvious.” I bit out. I hated the wobble in my voice and worked hard to clamp down on the tears that threatened to well up. Clay scrubbed his hands over his face in agitation. “I was an idiot. I've been a mess without you.”

  Then without giving me time to react, he was in front of me, a breath away from touching. He reached out to caress my cheek and I flinched backwards. Clay dropped his hand as though it were on fire. I saw the hurt flash across his face and I wanted to scream at him.

  He had no right to feel hurt! He was the one that had rejected me! “Clay, you pushed me away. I tried to be there for you, but you wouldn't let me! I can't go on feeling like I don't know if I'm coming or going! Stop screwing with my head!” I couldn't stop myself from pleading.

  Clay closed his eyes. When he opened them again, they were bright with unshed tears. Shit. Clay's tears were my kryptonite! I needed to get out of there and fast or I'd never stay strong enough to resist him. “I never meant to screw with your head, Maggie! You are the only thing that has ever kept me grounded. I was a complete and total ass. My parents came to town and it threw me. I started backsliding into my old destructive patterns. I was terrified of having you see me like that, so I pushed you away.”

  He stopped and took a deep breath. I stood perfectly still, not wanting to move away but too scared to go to him. “I was so, so wrong. I've been in the worst kind of hell these last three weeks. I need you so much! I can't survive without you! Please, Maggie! Please tell me you'll give me another chance!” He implored, finally taking my hand and putting it to his cheek. He closed his eyes again at the touch of my skin against his. As though, that was all he needed to be okay.

  God, I wish that were true.

  “You destroyed me, Clay. I've been miserable without you.” I admitted quietly. Clay opened his eyes and I saw the hope there. “But, Clay. I can't keep doing this. I'm so tired of worrying about you. Of going to sleep scared that you will do something to yourself. You're killing me.” The words wrung out of me and I could feel my exhaustion.

  Clay pulled me closer until our chests were touching and I had to look up to see him. He reached down and pushed the bangs off of my face. I melted as his fingers glided over my skin. “I will never hurt you like that. As long as we're together, I have something to fight for.” He whispered.

  I wanted to yell at him that he had hurt me like that a million times already. That he hadn't fought for us, or himself, despite the fact that I gave him all the love that I had. But he made me weak. I hated myself for not being able to verbalize the thoughts and doubts that swam through my head. Why couldn't I just say how I felt? Why did I allow myself to get sucked under by him time and time again?

  “I love you. You are my life.” He placed my hand over his heart. I could feel it beating erratically beneath my palm. “Feel that? It's yours. For now and always!” He said emphatically before wrapping his arms around me.

  He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on my shoulder as we held each other. “I love you.” He whispered again before burying his face into my neck. I let him hold me for awhile before I pulled away. He looked at me with confusion as I stepped back, trying to give myself some space.

  “Clay. I love you too...” I started but he cut me off. “And that's all that matters! We love each other! That's all we need!” He seemed so sure. But then again, he always had. But this time, I wasn't. “No, Clay. That's not all we need. You need help!” I told him.

  I watched as Clay's face darkened. “Not this again. We've talked about it. You are everything! If we're together, I'm fine!” I held up my hand to stop him. “This is a lot to take in. I need time. I need to think. Please, just stop.” I begged him, backing up even further. I hadn't bothered to argue with his ridiculous statement. I just needed to halt this conversation before I caved completely.

  Clay came toward me again, looking broken. “Maggie, I was wrong! Please, don't leave me!” He cried, reaching for my hand again. I moved away from his grasp. “I have to go.” I said and turned around to leave.

  I started to run through the trees. I didn't get far before Clay's hands grabbed me from behind. I tripped as he pulled me to a stop. He crushed his chest against my back and pressed his face to my neck. “I can't lose you again! I'll do anything! Just don't walk away from me!” He pleaded. I could feel his body shaking as he gripped me. His hot tears burned my flesh as they slid down my neck. I reached down and tried to unwrap his arms from around my middle. “Then let me leave. Just give me time to think. I can't do that when we're together.” I urged, not turning around to look at him. I knew that if I saw his grief stricken face I would be a goner. And I needed to decide whether a life with him was what I wanted. If a life without him was something I could stand.

  Clay was quiet for a few minutes. I could feel the ragged draw of his breaths against my back, the warmth of his tears on my shoulder as he pressed against me like his life depended on it. Then without another word, he moved his arms and I felt the cold air of our separation as he moved away from me. Letting me go.

  I was shaken from my time with Clay. I went home practically in tears and more confused than ever. My mind was churning and I struggled against the need to run straight back to him. I hadn't been lying when I said I needed time. But something told me that time wasn't going to solve anything.

  How did I reconcile myself with the fact that I had just walked away from the love of my life? Particularly when he needed me most. What kind of person did that make me? I had acted on a desperate sort of self- preservation when I had left him standing alone in the woods. I was scared and mixed up. But I couldn't think past the fact that he loved me and wanted us to be together.

  Why couldn't that be enough?

  I was a complicated mixture of scared and angry. I felt like punching the wall or pulling my hair out. It was unfortunate for my mother that she happened to walk into my room in the midst of my very real freak out.

  I sat at my desk, twirling my chair in circles, wishing I could grow a pair of wings and leap out of my second story window. I had chewed my nails to the quick and was currently gnawing on the skin of my fingers.

  I heard a light knock on my door and without waiting for permission, my mom pushed my door open with an arm load of laundry. She wore an annoyingly perky smile and was still dressed in her office clothes. She must have just gotten home from work.

  She dropped the pile of clean clothes on my bed. “How was school?” She asked me. I shrugged, not looking at her. I just wanted her to leave. I still blamed she and dad for a lot of my current situation. Maybe if they had been more accepting of Clay, things would have been different. Or maybe it would snow in July. Well, whatever, I needed to blame someone and they fit the bill.

  “Is that a good shrug or a bad shrug?” She asked lightly. I shrugged again. My mom was quiet and then I heard the squeak of my bed springs and suppressed a sigh. Great, she wanted to talk. I swung my desk chair back around and gave her my best stink
eye. “Yes?” I asked in irritation.

  My mom frowned at me. “What's with the attitude? I just wanted to know how my only child is doing. Is it wrong for a mother to care about her daughter's well- being?” Okay, that was it. I was sick of their concern. Sick to death of their overprotective mama and papa bear bullshit.

  I glared at my mother, the woman who had been my best friend and biggest support for most of my life. But in that moment I forgot all about that. Instead, all I saw when I looked at her, was my enemy.

  “You know what mom? If you cared about my well- being you'd back off and let me live my life with whomever I choose to live it with.” I spat at her. My mother's eyes widened in shock at my outburst.

  Yes, this was not the little girl she knew. This was some crazy woman who was wearing Maggie Young's skin. My mom drew herself upright and a stern look took over her face. “Don't you dare speak to me that way. Your father and I have always done what was best for you.” I cut her off with a maniacal laugh. “What's best for me? Are you kidding? You have pretty much forbidden me from seeing the only guy I'll ever love! How is that good for me?” I shrieked at her.

  My mom sighed and looked at me with a less than patient look on her face. “Stop being so dramatic. I tried to like Clayton, if you'll remember. It doesn't change the fact that while you were with him you made terrible decisions and behaved reprehensibly. You started lying, sneaking around, shutting out your friends. Love doesn't make you act like that, Maggie. No matter what you choose to believe.” She said with irritation.

  “You don't know the first thing about Clay and me. You never will!” I yelled, grinding the heels of my hands into my eyes. I felt like I was about to bust out of my skin. I was so wound up about Clay and everything else, I just couldn't deal with my parents right now.