Emerald Star (Hetty Feather)

by Jacqueline Wilson

  She climbed down again with seeming confidence, and ran about the ring turning cartwheels, her lips still stretched wide in a smile – but I saw her eyes keep swivelling to the corner where Beppo was hunched, watching her like a hawk. I cheered her very loudly indeed, encouraging everyone around me to clap and call out too.

  The lions were next, leaping out of their cage and jumping through golden hoops. I wished they’d leap a little further and mistake Beppo for a side of prime beef.

  Mr Tanglefield’s voice grew shrill as he shouted the name of each act through his loudhailer. I grew impatient as I watched them. I saw a man throw daggers at his wife and then eat fire, I saw sea lions bark in unison and wave their flippers and play trumpets, I saw a new and fabulous monkey act where the little creatures tumbled about playing a bizarre game of happy families. I especially loved seeing a baby monkey dressed like a tiny Diamond in a fairy frock, but I even tired of these endearing little furry people. I was waiting for one act only.

  At long last Mr Tanglefield mumbled Madame Adeline’s name, and in she came on Midnight, looking glorious in her pink spangles.

  She stood upon Midnight’s glossy back, pointing her toes, one elegant arm in the air. She galloped bareback to wild music and then slowed down almost to a halt while Midnight did a complicated little dance, picking up his hooves and sashaying daintily to the left and right.

  Madame Adeline asked if there were any children celebrating their birthdays in the audience. Young Phil went dashing into the ring, bursting with pride. Madame Adeline produced a birthday cake and a handful of candles. She looked at Midnight and asked him to guess Phil’s age. Midnight tapped one-two-three-four-five times with his hoof, while Phil jumped up and down and clapped. Madame Adeline stuck five candles in his cake and lit them. She told Phil to take a deep breath and then try to blow them all out in one go, but as he was puckering his lips Midnight got there first and blew out mightily through his nostrils, extinguishing every candle.

  Then Madame Adeline gave Phil a ride on Midnight’s back while everyone cheered. I remembered riding with her when I was Phil’s age. Oh, how I wanted to join in now and ride with her again, but I knew I would look a fool if I ran forward with all the little children.

  I so admired Madame Adeline. She was no longer youthful so she couldn’t perform particularly athletic or daring tricks. She didn’t have a troupe of six fine rosin-backed horses any more, just the one. She had overcome all these disadvantages and refined and renewed her act to make it work just as well.

  I cheered her until my throat hurt, and clapped and clapped at the grand finale, when all the acts paraded round the circus ring. I’d have liked to stay and congratulate Madame Adeline and Diamond, but I knew I had better go home.

  I ran all the way, but Jem was home before me even so, and already washed and brushed, wearing his red waistcoat.

  ‘You’re home early, Jem,’ I said, stirring the stew and warming the plates.

  ‘I slipped away specially, to take you to the circus,’ he said. ‘But you’ve already seen it for yourself, haven’t you, Hetty?’

  There was no point trying to deny it. ‘Yes, I have, and it was wonderful. Oh, wait till you see it, Jem! Madame Adeline is still by far the best act, but this little girl Diamond is very sweet and entertaining, though I wish she wasn’t part of that tumbling act. Gideon, are you sure you don’t want to see the circus. I know you’d absolutely love it.’

  ‘No, Hetty, you know it would upset Mother. She’s never approved of circuses,’ said Gideon, irritatingly pious.

  ‘Well, I approve one hundred per cent!’ I said. ‘Come, Jem, let’s eat quickly and then go and get a good seat.’

  ‘You want to go again? You’ve only just this minute seen the show!’ he said.

  ‘I want to go again and again and again,’ I said. I tugged on his arm. ‘I especially want to go with you, Jem.’ I was just saying it to make him feel good, but his whole face lit up with happiness.

  I wished he didn’t care about me so much. I was just making it worse for him, living under his roof. He’d never stop languishing after me if I was always there. If I disappeared, I was sure he’d soon get over me and realize that one sweet Janet was worth ten tempestuous Hettys.

  We went to the circus together, sitting right at the front this time. Jem bought me gingerbread and stuck the gold paper star on my forehead again, as if I were five years old. I smiled back, but when the lights were down and Mr Tanglefield came strutting into the ring to announce the forthcoming attractions in his reedy tones, I quickly unpicked the star and folded it up in my hand.

  I found myself feverishly irritated by Jem’s reactions all through the show. He laughed uproariously at Chino and Beppo, especially when they clowned with great Elijah. Everyone else laughed too. I didn’t mind that they were laughing at a sad old man, an evil little bully and a huge dignified animal, but I wanted my Jem to have finer feelings.

  ‘Don’t you find them funny, Hetty?’ he said.

  I nodded and tried to laugh to please him.

  ‘You are enjoying yourself, aren’t you?’ Jem asked, not quite fooled.

  ‘Yes, yes, but Jem, wait till you see the Silver Tumblers with little Diamond. And of course Madame Adeline is the true star,’ I said.

  ‘Of course,’ said Jem.

  But somehow he wasn’t enthusiastic enough. Diamond was a little hesitant this time, and very nearly slipped when she stood up precariously on the biggest boy’s shoulders. She was still so young and clearly tired out after the first performance. She was wearing pink greasepaint to disguise her pallor, but there were dark circles under her eyes. I wanted to rush into the ring and hug her reassuringly, the poor little mite.

  ‘She looks so sad. I just can’t bear it,’ I said to Jem.

  ‘She looks happy enough to me,’ he said, taken in by Diamond’s strained smile. ‘You’ve got such a soft heart, Hetty.’

  I waited impatiently for Madame Adeline and felt a tingling all over as she rode into the ring, looking regal and splendid on glossy black Midnight. ‘Isn’t she wonderful!’ I breathed.

  ‘Well, she’s certainly a game old girl,’ said Jem.

  I think he was trying to be nice, but I was so offended I withdrew my hand and hunched away from him in the seat, horrified that he could talk about dear Madame Adeline in such disparaging tones.

  When she finished her act, I stood and clapped and cheered. Madame Adeline saw me and swept me a deep curtsy.

  ‘There, Hetty, she’s curtsying to you,’ said Jem. ‘Fancy, you knowing all these circus folk. I don’t think you should come over here again though, especially by yourself. Some of those men are really rough.’

  ‘They were rough with you, Jem, not with me,’ I said. ‘Of course I am coming here again! I have to see Madame Adeline. She is my dear friend.’

  ‘Oh, you and your dear friends!’ said Jem.

  ‘What do you mean by that?’ I said.

  ‘Nothing! Calm down, Hetty! What’s the matter with you? You’re so touchy tonight. I can’t seem to say anything right,’ said Jem. ‘Now listen to me. I don’t want you running back here to the circus, not by yourself. It’s not the place for a young girl like you. I don’t want you mixing with all sorts.’

  ‘All sorts?’ I said.

  Jem sighed. ‘I know you’ve taken a shine to this madame and I’m sure she’s very nice in her own way, but she’s hardly a lady, is she?’

  ‘I’m sure it’s not gentlemanly to make that point,’ I said sharply, making him blush. ‘You’re utterly mistaken anyway. Madame Adeline is very refined and kindly and has the most perfect manners.’

  ‘I dare say, but she parades about in a short skirt up to here. It’s not decent to dress like that in front of folk,’ said Jem.

  I wondered what he would have said if he’d seen me dressed as Emerald the Amazing Pocket-Sized Mermaid, and felt myself blushing too.

  ‘There! You know I’m right,’ said Jem triumphantly.


  ‘I know you’re wrong, wrong, wrong,’ I said. ‘And I shall do as I please.’

  ‘Oh, Hetty, I know why you got paddled so often as a child,’ said Jem. ‘Why must you be so wilful? I don’t understand you at all.’

  I suddenly stopped feeling angry and felt desperately sad. Jem really didn’t understand me any more. When I was little he’d been my big, all-powerful brother and I ran around worshipping him. I might still be very small in stature, but I felt I had grown up in so many ways.

  Jem was a fine strong man now, but his mind was essentially the same. He was like one of his own plough horses – dear and steady and faithful and very hard-working, content to trudge up and down the same fields year after year, shying if anything strange stepped into their path.

  ‘Oh, Jem, don’t let’s quarrel,’ I said, taking his hand.

  He kissed my fingers joyfully. ‘I don’t want to quarrel, dear Hetty,’ he said.

  I think he felt I was capitulating – but I was even more determined to visit the circus at every opportunity.

  19

  I WENT BACK the very next day. I did not wait for the afternoon performance. I went straight after lunch, when I’d settled Mother for her nap. Gideon was out in the garden, on his knees, weeding. He had taken it over now that Mother could not tend it and had proved to have green fingers. He had planted out rows of vegetables as well as flowers, and we now had new raspberry and loganberry canes and a strawberry patch.

  I tapped him affectionately on the top of his faded straw hat as I passed.

  ‘Where are you going, Hetty?’ he asked.

  ‘Where do you think?’ I sang out, and hurried down the path and out of the gate before he could say any more.

  I ran all the way to the circus meadow. I knew they were staying in the village until the end of the week. It said so on all the bills. Yet I couldn’t help fearing they had collapsed the big top and stolen away in the night.

  It was an immense relief to spot the bright red and yellow tent, see for myself Elijah’s great grey head high above the bushes, hear the babble of strange voices, smell the lunchtime frying onions and stewing meat.

  I walked quickly across to the wagons, making for Madame Adeline’s green van at the end of the semicircle – but this time Beppo caught me.

  ‘Where do you think you’re going?’ he said, speaking softly in a way that sent a shiver down my spine.

  He was almost as small as me, a bent little man with crooked teeth, his collarbone sticking right out of his open shirt – yet I could see why Diamond and the silver tumbling boys feared him so much.

  I faced him boldly, not wanting him to see I was frightened. ‘I am visiting my friend Madame Adeline,’ I said. ‘May I congratulate you on your performance last night, Mr Beppo. I thought you were very droll indeed.’

  He stared at me suspiciously. ‘Don’t think you can come smarming round me, missy. I’m wise to your tricks.’

  ‘And I’m wise to yours, Mister,’ I said. ‘Now excuse me. I wish to pay a visit to my friend.’

  ‘She’s no business inviting stray girls to come here. This is private, off-limits to all outsiders,’ said Beppo. ‘Don’t you go poking your nose around where it’s not wanted.’

  ‘Oh my, you’re not quite as cheery out of the ring as in it,’ I said, and I marched past, with my head held high – though my heart was thudding hard in my chest.

  ‘Hetty! Oh, Hetty!’ Diamond was lurking behind Madame Adeline’s wagon, clutching an old rag doll to her chest. ‘Oh, Hetty, I saw you talking to Mister! You really aren’t afeared of him!’

  ‘That’s right. He’s the one that’s afeared of me. I told you. He’ll be quaking in his bed tonight, wondering if that red-haired girl will be coming to get him. Most likely he’ll wet his sheets in terror,’ I said.

  Diamond burst out laughing and then smothered her face in her old doll.

  ‘Is that your baby, Diamond?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes, she’s called Maybelle and I love her very much,’ she said.

  ‘She’s very beautiful,’ I said, pretending to shake Maybelle’s limp hand. ‘But perhaps she is a little chilly,’ I went on, as the doll wore a pair of ragged drawers and nothing else. ‘Doesn’t she have a pretty dress to keep her warm?’

  ‘She did have a dress once but Mister Marvel took it off me to dress his monkey in,’ said Diamond mournfully.

  ‘Well, never you mind. I am very good at stitching tiny dolly dresses. I think Maybelle has a chance of a whole new wardrobe by the end of the week,’ I said. ‘Now, shall we call on Madame Adeline together?’

  I was a little worried that Madame Adeline might sigh at my intrusion, even tell me to run away, but she held out her arms and hugged me close, so that I could smell her beautiful perfume, like roses and honeysuckle.

  ‘Dear Hetty, what a treat!’ she said. ‘And little Diamond too, plus Maybelle! Come along in, girls, and we’ll have a little tea party.’

  ‘I think I had better not have cake,’ said Diamond sadly as Madame Adeline fetched down her Queen Victoria tin. ‘Mister says I must stay as small as I can – and you can’t do back-flips on a full stomach.’

  ‘You’re like a little elfin child already, Diamond. A small slice of cake won’t make you fat,’ I said indignantly. ‘And what’s a back-flip?’

  Diamond took me outside, behind the wagon. ‘This is a back-flip,’ she said, suddenly leaping up in the air and flipping over backwards. She did it again and again while I clapped.

  ‘Oh, show me how to do it!’ I said. No one could see us behind the wagons, so I tucked my dress into my drawers and tried to copy her, but try as I might I simply tumbled flat on my back. I lay there, laughing. ‘Oh dear, I’m hopeless,’ I giggled.

  ‘Mister could teach you, but it hurts and hurts. You have to have your bones cricked till they nearly snap in two,’ said Diamond. ‘Then you get extra bendy like me – watch!’ She bent right over backwards and walked across the grass like a little crab.

  ‘You’re brilliant, Diamond!’ I said.

  ‘Maybelle can do it too,’ she said, folding her old doll in half and making her prance along bent over. ‘But it doesn’t hurt her one bit.’

  When we were back in the wagon having tea and cake, I asked Madame Adeline if she thought I could ever learn a few acrobatic skills.

  ‘I rather doubt it now, Hetty,’ she said. ‘You would need to have practised since you were tiny.’

  ‘Then . . . could I ever be an equestrian like you? I would so love to dance bareback on a fine horse. You don’t need to have your bones cricked for that, do you? I think I could well be a natural rider, Madame Adeline. Do you remember you let me ride Pirate in the ring with you when I was five?’

  ‘Well, we’ll have to see, my dear. I shall put Midnight through his paces this afternoon. You can have a try then.’

  Madame Adeline lent me a pair of her white tights for decency when I tucked my dress up anew. She led Midnight up to me and I stroked his black velvety head and patted his glossy flanks until we seemed to be friends. Then Madame Adeline helped me up onto his back. I wanted to shine so badly. I had ridden bareback with ease before. I had even stood up on Pirate’s back while everyone clapped. But now I seemed to have lost all ability. I could not even sit upright. I slumped forward, clutching Midnight’s mane, slipping and sliding alarmingly.

  ‘Grip with your knees, Hetty,’ said Madame Adeline as she led Midnight along.

  I could not grip with any part of my anatomy and tumbled ignominiously onto the sawdust. ‘Oh dear, I think I’m going to have a lot of bruises,’ I said. I picked myself up, dusted myself down, and tried to remount.

  I fell again. And again. And again.

  ‘Oh, darling, I think that’s enough for today,’ said Madame Adeline. ‘I admire your spirit, but you truly will be black and blue.’

  ‘Maybe if I practised hard every single day I would start to get the hang of it. Then maybe one day I would be good enough to be part of your act?’ I s
aid breathlessly, examining my knees. ‘I’m so sorry, but I’ve torn a hole in your tights!’

  ‘It doesn’t matter, child. They’re only my old practice skins.’

  ‘I shall take them home and wash and darn them for you,’ I said. ‘Wait till you see how neatly I can darn. Madame Adeline, do you think my riding will improve, given time?’

  ‘Of course it will improve, Hetty,’ she said, but she didn’t sound very positive.

  ‘You can be truthful with me,’ I said, bracing myself.

  ‘I don’t think you are a natural, my dear,’ said Madame Adeline. ‘Oh goodness, please, don’t be so upset!’

  I am sure my face had crumpled, for I was trying hard not to burst out crying. ‘I was good at it when I was small. You called me your Little Star,’ I said miserably.

  ‘And you’re still my Little Star, dear. I’m a very lucky soul to have such a delightful visitor. But I don’t see why you’re so keen to learn my sad old circus skills.’

  ‘Because I want – oh, I want to be part of the circus,’ I said, all in a rush. ‘You wouldn’t let me stay with you when I was ten, and I can understand that now. I was still a child and had to return to the Foundling Hospital, Lord help me. But I am an adult now – well, very nearly – and can live wherever I wish . . . and dear Madame Adeline, I want to live with you.’

  ‘Oh, Hetty,’ she said, embracing me. ‘You’re such a sweet child, but can’t you see, it’s still not possible.’

  ‘Why isn’t it?’

  ‘The circus is no life for a young girl, surely you can see that. Look at poor Diamond.’

  ‘But I am bigger and fiercer than Diamond. If I travel with the circus I can look after her – and Mister Beppo can go hang. I can look after you too, Madame Adeline. I can cook and clean for you and mend your costumes and help tend Midnight. I can make myself extremely useful. I’ll try to learn some kind of circus skills so that Mr Tanglefield will take me on in an official capacity. I so want to be one of his performing troupe.’

  ‘It’s a hard life, Hetty, far harder than you realize – and humiliating too. Most folk look down on us and feel we’re not respectable. You could not stand to be gawped at and commented on by ugly louts.’