Hold Me Until Forever

by Christina Phillips

  Pride choked his throat and stung the back of his eyes. He wouldn’t beg. He never had before and he sure as hell wasn’t going to start now. Her message couldn’t be clearer.

  Except I don’t understand what message she’s sending. She was hunched up at the end of the sofa, avoiding his eyes, and looked as though he’d just stamped all over her heart.

  The silence stretched between them, heavy with words unsaid. He didn’t have a clue how to break it. What could he say when she’d dumped him from such a great height?

  He was twenty-eight years old and had never in his life dated in the true sense of the word. Until Ella. And she’d finished things between them before they even had the chance to get started.

  He should get her clothes from the kitchen. Give her space to freshen up and get dressed. And leave?

  That was the sane option. At least that way his precious pride would remain intact. And he might never see her again.

  He exhaled a long breath. His pride would recover eventually if she kicked him in the teeth, but if he didn’t at least try to win her back, he wasn’t sure his heart would ever get over her.

  Slowly he slid to his knees and faced her. “What’s going on, babe?” The endearment slipped out without him meaning it to, but he didn’t regret it. I don’t regret any of it. Even if it was now killing him from the inside out.

  “I can’t do that anymore.” She took a shuddering breath and her eyes glittered. Shock stabbed through him. Is she going to cry? She never cried. “It was okay for a while but I want—I need more than just friends with benefits.”

  It took a couple of seconds for her comment to make sense. “Friends with benefits?” When had they ever defined what was between them as that? He sure as hell hadn’t.

  No, but she had. The second time he’d taken her to Excalibur.

  “That’s not—I’ve never thought that about us.” Jesus, he was actually offended she thought that about him. He’d bitten Lisa’s head off when she’d assumed Ella was his fuck buddy. “You’ve always been more than that to me.”

  Her smile twisted him up inside. “I’m not blaming you or anything. I loved the time we spent together. And I know you can’t give me any more, and I’m not asking you to, but that’s why I can’t see you again.”

  She isn’t giving me a second chance at all. Panic hit him right through the chest. “I know I screwed up.” I thought you’d forgiven me. “I’m sorry, Ella. Look, come home with me now and we can sort it out.”

  She didn’t look at him. “Please just go, Alex.”

  Alex didn’t say anything else. But what else had she expected him to say? There was a huge gulf between what he wanted and what she needed. She clutched his shirt to her throat as he went back into the kitchen. I need to get dressed. She didn’t have the heart to follow him, though.

  He brought her clothes to her. She took them and handed him his shirt. Instead of leaving, he stood at the end of the sofa. Why was he making this so hard?

  “I need you.” His voice was low, almost as though he didn’t want her to hear him. “I’ll always need you. Don’t push me away.”

  Her throat ached. She still couldn’t look at him. “I can’t do this…”

  For endless moments silence stretched between them. And then he turned and walked away.

  It was even worse than when he’d walked out of the cabin. She couldn’t blame him for the way she wanted to curl up and weep. He hadn’t come here to try and win her back, or even just for a quickie.

  She pulled on her jeans and sweater, and shoved her shirt into a paper bag. He’d even tidied up the kitchen. She tried to block the memory of how devastated he’d been when he thought the kitten was dead, but couldn’t. He might show the world a tough, cold face, but deep inside, where it mattered, his heart was still vulnerable.

  Why couldn’t he need her the way she needed him? Sure, he wanted her. But wanting wasn’t…

  I need you. His whispered words echoed through her mind and she froze. Don’t push me away.

  If anyone but Alex had said that, it’d sound like he was begging for another chance. But Alex didn’t beg for anything, ever.

  I know I screwed up.

  She gripped the edge of the counter and squeezed her eyes shut. He isn’t saying what I want him to.

  What the hell had he been trying to say then? She hadn’t asked him. She’d been so focused on not breaking down and crying in front of him she hadn’t really been listening.

  He’d wanted her to go home with him so they could sort it out. Sort what out?

  A shiver inched over her arms. Had she got it wrong?

  A crazy kind of panic thundered through her as she ran back into the office and grabbed her purse. She’d meet him at his house. He couldn’t be going anywhere else, not with the kitten. And this time she wouldn’t jump to conclusions. This time she’d really listen to what he was saying.

  Please don’t let me be wrong.

  His car was still parked in the lot. Heart thudding, she hurried over. He didn’t look up—didn’t seem to be aware of her approach at all. She peered through the driver’s window. The kitten was in the box on the passenger seat, and Alex’s hand cradled it protectively as he stroked it with his thumb.

  If he hadn’t already owned her heart, that tender gesture would’ve sealed her fate. She let out a silent sigh and rapped gently on the window.

  Alex looked up. Ella was staring at him through the window. Jesus, he wasn’t sure he could take much more today. She mouthed Can I come in? and he leaned across the passenger seat and opened the door. She slid in and carefully rested the box on her lap. They sat there in silence. He’d offered her everything. What more was there to say?

  Why are you here?

  Finally she cleared her throat. “I didn’t mean to push you away.”

  Could’ve fooled him. “I don’t know what you want from me.”

  She scraped her thumbnail along the edge of the box and didn’t look at him. “I think…I’m not sure I understand what you were really saying just now.”

  His head ached. How much clearer did she want him to be? “I’ll give you anything. Everything you want. Just tell me what you need.”

  Her bottom lip wobbled. He couldn’t help it, and reached out and took her hand. She didn’t try and pull away.

  “I don’t want anything. I just want you.”

  “But you already have me.” What’s she really talking about? He understood her words, but it was like she was speaking in a code he didn’t have access to.

  She closed her eyes and looked as though he’d just stabbed her through the heart. “I’m not talking about the sex. I mean it’s great, but it’s not…everything.”

  A shiver inched along his spine. I’m a fucking idiot. His entire world had shifted but he hadn’t told her that. He’d just assumed she’d know.

  He swallowed and tightened his grip on her hand. It was one thing to face the truth himself. How could he find the words to tell her what he really meant?

  “You,” he cleared his throat but it didn’t help the words come. “You’re my everything.”

  She blinked and a single tear trickled along her cheek. He fought the primal urge to pull her into his arms and never let her go. She was his, goddamn it. Why couldn’t she see that?

  “I don’t know what you mean by that.” She sniffed and wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. “I want—I need—a proper relationship, and I know you’re not—”

  “What do you want me to do? Rip open my chest and give you my heart? You already have it, babe. You’ve always had it and I’ve just been too blind to see it.”

  The shock on her face would’ve made him laugh at any other time, but right now he was too damn terrified that with one wrong word, he’d screw everything up again.

  “I want you, Ella. Not just in my club or hidden away in a cabin in the mountains. I want to show you off, let everyone know you’re my woman.” He sucked in a harsh breath. Dying here… “And I’m yo
ur man.”

  “You do?” Another tear escaped, and he caught it on his thumb, his gaze never leaving hers.

  “Yeah, I do. I think I knew it from the moment you kissed me when you were sixteen. That’s why I was so fucked up about it. You were just an innocent kid and me—I was a walking nightmare.”

  “You remember that kiss?”

  Was she kidding? “I spent eight years trying to forget it. Didn’t work.”

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything? You let me think you didn’t care.”

  He shifted on his seat. Raking up the past and digging into his feelings weren’t the most comfortable of things. On the other hand, it sure beat the alternative of losing her.

  He dragged in a deep breath and tightened his grip on her fingers. “I always cared. I cared too damn much.”

  “You put me through eight years of unrequited love. I think I should hit you.” She smiled, and a healing warmth wrapped around his bruised heart.

  “Unrequited love?” He couldn’t keep the grin off his face. “Is that a crazy way of saying you love me?”

  He half expected her to laugh, or make one of her mocking retorts. Instead her smile faded. Why did I say that? He didn’t want to push too hard, not now, not when he was so close to having everything he’d ever wanted.

  “I guess it is,” she whispered.

  He bowed his head, and their foreheads touched. “I don’t deserve you.” His voice was gruff.

  Her soft sigh sank into his heart. “I’m so going to remind you of that the next time I drive you nuts.”

  He laughed and pressed her fingers against his lips. There was so much he wanted to say to her, needed to say to her, but the words got locked in his throat. It didn’t matter. She was his world and she knew it.

  Epilogue

  Valentine’s Day

  Ella frowned at her reflection in her bedroom at her mom’s house, and resisted the urge to gnaw her lip. It’d ruin the blood-red lipstick that matched the color she’d applied to the tips of her hair.

  She’d been going for sexy-as-hell love goddess but had a sinking feeling she looked more like an imp from hell.

  Maybe she was just losing her touch when it came to doing the whole over the top makeup thing. It’d been a while, after all. But tonight she was on a mission and if ever there was an occasion when she needed her mask to hide behind, it was tonight.

  Not that she needed the mask for Alex. It was for what she planned to do with him that was giving her a severe stomach ache.

  They’d been together for nearly two months, and everything was perfect. Well, almost perfect. He still hadn’t said I love you but she didn’t need the words to know it.

  Yes, I do.

  Well, maybe she did, but she wasn’t dumb enough to think three little words would change anything. She didn’t want anything to change.

  Except for him to say I love you…

  She groaned and grabbed her coat. Tonight they were going to Excalibur. They’d been to his club a few times since New Year’s but not for a scene. Oddly, he hadn’t once suggested it. He seemed more than fine to keep their sexy times confined to his house.

  It suited her, but deep inside she couldn’t help wondering if he didn’t miss the more out there stuff.

  Namely, sex in public. He’d never denied doing that and Abigail had practically rubbed her nose in the fact that they’d done it. What better Valentine’s Day present could she give him than to show him she was willing to push her boundaries to the limit for him?

  Alex parked outside Ella’s place and hoped his gran didn’t catch sight of him. She’d know something was up, and she’d probably guess exactly what was up with him as well.

  She was thrilled he and Ella were together but he couldn’t face an inquisition tonight. Not when the present he’d bought for his woman was not only burning a hole through his jacket pocket, but had given him sleepless nights for a week.

  His plans for a romantic meal in an intimate restaurant had derailed when she’d told him she wanted to go to Excalibur tonight. She wouldn’t tell him why, but he guessed it had something to do with checking out the Valentine’s Night Special that was going on there.

  That was fine. They’d go to the restaurant afterward. He patted his pocket to make sure it was still in there and got out of the car.

  “Hey, gorgeous.” He gave her a chaste kiss on the lips when she answered the door, and not only because her mom hovered behind her with her usual disapproving frown. It was because she was wearing stop-the-traffic scarlet lipstick.

  If everything went according to plan tonight, there’d be no need for either one of them to pick the other up in the future, because they’d be living together.

  His stomach gave a nervous churn. If J and Coop both managed to ask the women they loved to be with them forever, then so can I.

  She didn’t say much on the journey, and he was too occupied with trying to memorize the speech he’d been working on all week. At least the table he’d reserved was in a secluded corner. No chance of anyone overhearing him if he screwed up.

  Once inside the club, she refused to check in her long winter coat. He didn’t know why that bothered him but it did.

  “Want a drink?” She smiled up at him. Her lashes were thick and black and her eye shadow glittered. She looked hot but he kind of wished he could see her cute freckles and pale eyelashes tonight, when he wanted to ask her the most important question he’d ever asked anyone.

  “Sure.”

  Instead of ordering a couple of sodas, she pulled a bottle of vodka from her purse and then downed two straight shots. Christ, had she guessed what he was doing tonight?

  Unease rippled along his spine. If she had, she sure wasn’t giving the impression she was happy about it.

  She slammed the glass down on the bar and threaded her fingers through his. “I have a surprise for you.” Her voice was low and smoky, and any other time it would’ve been a huge turn-on. But something was off about the way she was acting and the truth was, he didn’t want to ask her what the problem was.

  With a sultry smile that only increased his apprehension, she led him into the central public area. It was decorated in silver and black, with a few red, heart-shaped cushions scattered to celebrate the Valentine’s Night orgy taking place later, and several couples and groups were getting into the mood already.

  She led him into the center of the room and started to unbutton her coat. What the hell was she doing? It was one thing to check out the scene, but she wasn’t into voyeurism. While he’d certainly enjoyed it in the past, it wasn’t something he’d ever craved. And she knew that.

  Slowly she slid her coat off her shoulders and then let it slither to the floor. His heart pounded against his ribs and he couldn’t take his mesmerized gaze from her.

  She wore a red and black corset that barely covered her breasts, lacy black stockings, and the thigh-high boots he’d given her as a late Christmas present, which, as far as he knew, she’d never worn outside before.

  “Do you approve?” Her whisper arrowed straight to his dick, and before he could get his brain in gear to answer her, she put her hands behind her back and lowered her head in a classic sub pose.

  From the corner of his eyes he saw the other guests looking their way. A fierce pride surged through him. Yeah, you can look all you want. She was his woman and she was…

  She was everything.

  He lowered his head and brushed his lips against her ear. “I approve. But the private chamber’s booked out for tonight, babe. We’ll go back home. There’s still time.” It didn’t matter if there wasn’t time before their reservation, no way was he spending the rest of the night trying to ignore the massive hard-on she’d given him.

  “It’s okay.” He had to strain to hear her words. “We don’t have to go back to your place.”

  She wanted a scene in public? It’d never crossed his mind she was into that. She’d never breathed a word about it before. Truth was, he wasn’t sure he w
anted to do that with her. It was different when he’d done it in the past. Those were just scenes. They’d never meant anything.

  He tipped her face up with his finger so she was looking at him. “Is this one of your fantasies?” If it was then he’d do it for her, because hadn’t he promised himself, right at the start, that he’d make all her fantasies come true?

  She licked her lips, but the gesture looked more nervous than seductive. “I want to do this for you.”

  For him? The strained silence in the car, and the way she’d swallowed the vodka, suddenly all made sense. He cupped her jaw and stroked the pad of his thumb over her cheek. “Thanks, babe.” It sounded so inadequate, when his heart hurt with how much this meant to him. “But I don’t need this.” All I need is you.

  “Are you sure?” She sounded as though she didn’t believe him. “I don’t want to cramp your style or anything. I mean, I have hard limits, but I don’t think—I mean, I think I can handle this.”

  He cleared his throat. They were the center of attention, and while that generally didn’t bother him, right now all he wanted was to be alone so he could tell her—show her—how much she didn’t cramp his style. Where’d she gotten that idea from anyway?

  “I know you can.” He traced his finger down the column of her throat and across her shoulder. “Truth is, I don’t want you to. I don’t want to share you in that way.”

  “You don’t?” There was nothing hesitant about the smile she gave him this time. “You’re not just saying that? Because I—”

  He pressed a finger against her lips. “If this were something I wanted, you’ve just given me the green light. Why would I pretend?”

  “Guess so.” She gave his finger a provocative lick. “Can I put my coat back on now, sir?” Her eyes sparkled with mischief. She kept her hands behind her back, though.

  He almost said yes. They could leave, go to the restaurant—except she’s not wearing any clothes. They’d go home, then. He didn’t care, but he needed to get her alone so he could ask her the question.