Boxer Next Door

by Summer Cooper

  “Is that your secret? Are you sure you aren’t adding something addictive to your recipes?”

  “Like pot butter?”

  “I wouldn’t put it past you.”

  “Hmm.” The sun was starting to spread out over the horizon and settle under its blanket of ocean for the night. The breeze became a low, chilly wind, and I put on my sweater. Every bit of our lunch had been eaten down to the last two grapes, which we threw out for the seagulls.

  He held out his hand and helped me to my feet. “It’s going to be dark by the time we get back. Good thing the sun is slow to set in the summer.”

  “The day passed so quickly!” I held his hand as we started back to the port, marveling at the way time had slipped by us. I was in no hurry. The ocean lapped lazily at the beach and sand pipers poked their heads in bubbling holes. Here and there, lights were springing on but contrasted little with the hazy early evening.

  I guess we didn’t want to break the spell, but neither of us said much of anything at all on the way home. He pulled into his driveway, then leaned over to kiss me again. “Next week, let’s have dinner at the Space Needle.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Seriously. I’ll make the reservations.”

  Nobody really noticed when I slipped through the door and joined the company in the living room. It was the usual crowd. Briana and Burke were doing a little cuddling while dueling it out with a video game. Linda was getting high with Melanie and Jack Jones. It was only between their self-entertainment that they looked up and asked if I had enjoyed myself. I said that I had and waited for questions that never came. Finally, Briana said, “just wait until you see what we’re doing for Lynn. She’s going to be a brand new person.”

  Her promise took several days to materialize. In the meantime, Briana spent her time coaxing her client behind doors or taking her shopping at the mall. The mall visits were a crucial part of her therapy, designed to help Lynn both visualize and practice her transformation. They also spent vast amounts of time in consultation with Linda, who received them behind closed doors.

  They chose the morning lull, right after all the breakfasts had been sent out, and before we were ready to gear into our lunch menu. It was only a thirty-minute break, but when I was lucky, Lee was there to take it with me. This day was one of those lucky ones.

  I was relaxing my bones and talking idly with the doctor, who was rambling a bit about senior health care plans and new exercise equipment. It really wasn’t as stimulating as exploring an island archipelago, but it seemed he had to be on water before he quit being a doctor.

  Lynn appeared, flanked by Linda and Briana. The little mouse of a woman had turned into a tiny vixen in pink. She wore a fuzzy pink top that made her look soft and squeezable, and a pair of pale pink, cotton linen slacks with strapped heels. The cotton ball curls that had fluffed out all over her head had been straightened out to curve around her face and tuck in at the ends. The platinum hair color had been deepened with honey-blonde streaks. Her face had been made up with careful attention to the eyes and the still somewhat full mouth, camouflaging the lines and wrinkles.

  “Now, you do just like I said and practice on Dr. Andrews,” said Briana, propelling Lynn forward.

  She walked toward him, her body swaying just a little more than what would warrant thirty-two-inch hips, but she was getting it down. She walked up to the doctor and leaned over the table, stretching her body like a cat. “Good morning, Dr. Andrews. Is that a new eye? It matches your shirt so nicely. Oh! I messed up!”

  “You’re doing fine. Just take it from the top.”

  Lynn sat down beside him and fingered his arm. “Have you been working out, Dr. Andrews? Your biceps feel so… engorged.”

  Lee cleared his throat.

  “Oh, dear!” Cried Lynn. “I never will get it right.”

  “Sure you will. You’re just flustered because you’re trying it out on the doctor. Go home now and try it out on your husband.”

  “The doctor is just so sexy,” whispered Lynn.

  Briana whispered back, “So is your husband. You’ve got the moves, girl. Use them.”

  Lynn strolled out to the sidewalk, her sway still a bit exaggerated at first, her hips swinging abundantly to one side, then the other, but gradually becoming smoother and more seductive. It was a remarkable difference and some neighbors stared from their yards or their windows as she walked by.

  Briana was enormously pleased with herself. “Now I know what I’m going to do with my life.” She sat in a chair next to the doctor, and wriggled up close, almost whispering in his ear. “I’m going to be a sex therapist.”

  “Briana, you never even went to college,” I objected. “You can’t become a therapist just like that.”

  “I’ve been studying online. Oh, there’s a lot of things I need to get for the pelvic floor.”

  Lee cleared his throat. “The pelvic floor isn’t a staging area. It’s part of your body.” He placed his hand down her back and pressed just below the tail bone.”

  “Oh well,” giggled Briana. “I believe there are other words for that. Anyway, I already have three guys signed up for incompetence.”

  “Impotence,” corrected Lee.

  “Yeah. Probably that, too.”

  Chapter Ten

  You could say we were just plain cowardly, but the doc and I didn’t let Briana know we were dating. I talked to Linda instead. “It’s my fault. Briana and I always shared our boyfriends because we were so often attracted to the same guy. But this time, it’s different. I think I’m falling in love.”

  “It’s the doctor’s fault as well. Why doesn’t he say something to her?”

  “What would you say if Briana was fighting for your attention?”

  “I see your point.” She thought about it a moment. “She’s not really in love with the doctor. She just wants what she can’t have. What she needs is something that will distract her.”

  “More than becoming a sex therapist?”

  “Yeah. She needs a little therapy of her own. How was dinner at the Space Needle?”

  “It was nice. Really good sea food. A fantastic view of the harbor and the city. But there was something odd about it. All this time, I had thought how awesome it would be; a princess in a tower sort of thing, and it was wonderful. It just wasn’t any more wonderful than going to the state fair. It wasn’t special.”

  “What kind of special are you looking for?”

  “That’s the thing. I don’t know. When Lee took me to Vashon, he showed me where he likes to go the most. And, it was special. My specialty is the kitchen.”

  “That’s your career. Would you have felt the date was special if he had taken you to visit the clinic? Of course not!” She said before I could answer. “The difference is, the first date fulfilled a favorite pastime. The second date fulfilled a fantasy. The thing is, it’s all very laughable because you are both country people at heart pretending to have urban tastes.”

  We were interrupted by a yelp and a bang at my bedroom door. “Somebody help me!” I opened the door and Briana crashed in. “You’ve got to help me. It’s Billy Rosenfield. He pumped himself up, and he has a ring… and he can’t get it off. You’ve gotta call the doctor!”

  We could hear the yowls of pain coming from Briana’s room and scrambled to investigate. Billy had his back to us, but held one arm out to halt us while his other arm remained busy in front of him. “Ai! Ai! Arrgh! Oh mother of maestro! Yeah! Okay. It’s good. It’s good.” He sighed and covered himself up, then turned around. “I’ve got it. I just over-extended myself. Good to know I can still do it.” He winced.

  “You should probably have the doctor look at it,” I suggested.

  “And have him flap his jaw at me? No thank you. He’ll just put me on another diet.”

  “Well, to make sure you’re not damaged.”

  “You think I can’t tell on my own? The parts are all there and functioning. I just won’t use a pump anymore. That’s all
. I reckon you girls will have to do with a shortstop.”

  “A shortstop is fine,” Briana said as he hobbled more than usual out the door. “As we say in therapy, it’s how you use it that counts.”

  “Briana, that was terribly irresponsible,” I said when he had disappeared.

  “It wasn’t my idea! It was his. He said he had been wanting to try it for a while, but was afraid to do it without supervision. I was only there to watch!”

  “Half dressed?”

  “He said he needed stimulation.”

  “I think we need to establish some ground rules. First rule, if men want to know about penis enlargement, send them to the doctor. You’re not qualified to advise them.”

  “Are you kidding?”

  “No, I’m not. It’s a medical thing, not therapy. Second rule… are all these sex toys necessary?”

  “Oh, but they are! I don’t use them. I just show how they work.”

  “Second rule, no sex with your clients.”

  “Is that all?”

  “For the time being.”

  “Okay. Say, has anybody seen Zeke?”

  I thought about it. I hadn’t seen Zeke in several weeks. Neither had Linda. “Well,” said Briana. “Burke thinks Zeke may have found a new girlfriend, but he’s not saying who it is.”

  “Zeke has a new girl at the expense of his old girls? Sounds pretty serious.”

  I wasn’t jealous. Just kind of curious. What kind of woman would make Zeke abandon his harem? I decided to give him a call. He was the same old Zeke, but he did sound a little embarrassed. “I did,” he said. “I found somebody that makes my heart pound. But I’m still in the process of taming her. She wants me and she doesn’t.”

  “She sounds like a tigress.”

  “Oh, she is. I wanted to take her fishing and she beat me with the fishing pole.”

  “When are you coming around?”

  “Soon. Soon. I’m in love, Jenna. I’m really in love.”

  We were all falling in love except Briana. She knew Lee and I were becoming close, but she wouldn’t back off, and now in her new role as a sexual therapist, was completely positive that Lee had problems only her expertise could resolve. Jack Jones finally came to the rescue.

  It was a late afternoon. Supper had been put away, but Briana had a small group of women in the living room who were doing exercises by rolling about on a very large ball, and giggling as they asked questions. “Oh no!” Gasped one old lady who appeared to be about eighty-three. “My balls fell out! What do I do?”

  “Stuff them back in, but not here!” Hissed another, who appeared to be around the same age. “Go to the bathroom.”

  The old lady hopped off her ball and waddled off to the bathroom, one hand holding her crotch.

  “Okay, girls,” said Briana. “I think we’re good for today. Remember to use that Kegel muscle!”

  “What are you doing this time?” I asked, very distrustful of the Rosenfield incident. Billy had consulted the doctor on some extensive bruising, but fortunately the damage had not been permanent. Lee recommended a diet that would increase blood circulation, and he immediately went on a pomegranate juice binge. Fortunately, we had all been spared so far on how well his pomegranate juice diet was faring.

  She grimaced, wriggled on the ball, stuck out the tip of her tongue in a look of intense concentration, than wriggled again. “I’m moving around my Kegel balls.”

  “I think I don’t want to know.”

  “It’s like playing with yourself, but look! No hands!”

  “Well, if you can stop for a minute, Jack brought over a guest.”

  She stopped. I stopped. I almost did a flip flop before remembering my heart belonged to Lee Andrews. The man beside Jack Jones topped six feet, had sandy brown hair, crisply cut at the sides, a Captain America face and a handsome uniform that consisted of an airplane pilot’s cap and jacket. “By a great streak of fortune,” said Jack Jones. “I won this young man in a poker game. I’m entitled to give him to whoever I please for the evening.”

  “Me! Me!” Said Briana, jumping up and waving her arms. “Oh!” She gasped. “My Kegel balls!

  The young man, whose name was Kevin Morris and really was an airplane pilot, was completely charmed. “I believe,” he said. “I’ve never met a sex therapist before.”

  “Well,” she answered, linking her arms through his. “I’ll be happy to tell you all about it, but if you want to have sex with me, you can’t be my client. It’s one of those professional thingies.”

  “I’d never dream of becoming your client. Just your student.”

  “I guess it would be alright then.”

  I couldn’t wait to tell the doctor, and dashed over to his house to give him the good news. “You mean you’ve vanquished the competition?” He teased.

  “Something like that.”

  “Hmm.” His fingers played around my shirt collar, then wrapped at the back of my neck to kiss me. “It feels strange, though,” he said. “I know who Zeke is seeing. It’s Julia.”

  I stopped the hand creeping up under my blouse. “Julia!”

  “Is that a problem?”

  “We have to rescue him!”

  “No,” he groaned, pulling me in tightly. “You have to rescue me. I lost two of my most ardent admirers. I don’t want to lose a third.”

  I should have been in complete paradise. Linda had a man. Briana had a man. I had a man. We were all happy together, but the thought of Zeke dangling helplessly in Julia’s web just wouldn’t leave me. I talked with Billy Rosenfield, who only said, “yep. That boy likes to live dangerously.”

  I talked to Burke, who said, “Don’t want nothin’ to do with them unless they want to go scuba diving.”

  I talked to Jack Jones, who said, “I’ll call him up. In fact, I’m going to call up everybody. I have an announcement to make.”

  Wheedling and prying did no good. Since he was calling everybody to the house, it must be important. We sent out our best party spread and waited for guests to arrive with appropriate beverages. They all came; Billy Rosenfield, Burke, Liz, Melanie and Ralph. Zeke was the last to arrive. Hanging on to his arm like she’d just won a calf-roping contest, was Julia.

  My first instinct was to throw her out the window. I held back only because Lee’s hand squeezed mine and he gave me a look that was a little bit pleading and a little agonized. I glared at Julia. She glared at me and an ice field grew up between us.

  “Now that I have you all gathered here,” he said, taking a moment to draw Linda to his side. “I have wonderful news for you. It’s wonderful news. Linda and I are getting married.”

  I wasn’t really surprised. I think I had been expecting it for some time. Linda had changed since she had gotten together with Jack. She was more peaceful. More serious. Less inclined to party hardy. And she was happy. But I was a little jealous. This was supposed to be my story and I had barely cleared the playing field.

  If nobody was surprised, they were excited. A hundred questions bounced around the room before she could get any of them sorted out. “No, we’re not going to use the house. We’re not going to get married in town. Thank you, Melanie, but we don’t need the name of a dress maker. We won’t have dresses made. No, they won’t be off the rack, either.”

  Jack did one of those shrill whistles where you stretch the sides of your mouth with your fingers, and the cacophony of questions died in the air. “This is the way it is,” said Linda, waving the air with her lightly perfumed, drop sleeved blouse. We are getting married on the Mendocino Coast. You’ll need some camping equipment, mainly sleeping bags and tents. The weather is warm this time of year, so pack lightly. Resources are available for food and drink, but we’ll pack the wedding cake and dinner. You will not need much clothing. We’re getting married in a nudist colony.”

  “Oh, my!” Gasped Liz. “Such a scandal!”

  “Not a scandal,” said Melanie. “I haven’t been to a nudist colony in years. Just think, Liz. You mi
ght get lucky.”

  “How are we all going to get there?” Asked Billy quarrelsomely. “We don’t all have cars.”

  “I can use the Senior Center van,” said Julia.

  It was one of those pin drop moments. In the heat of the discussion, we had even forgotten that Julia existed. “I’m sure we can put something together,” I said hastily.

  “Face it, Miss Hospitality, you need me. Only the Senior Center van has wheelchair accessibility. Or were you planning to leave Ralph behind?”

  I was left with no choice. The white flags of neutrality had been raised and I was a cad to ignore them. The day of departure arrived and our transportation lined up in a rather orderly manner. Briana and Kevin were in charge of the Bronco with its wedding cake and tiered trays of appetizers. Linda rode with Jack Jones in his Ford Escort. Burke drove his own muscled out, 1978 Dodge and invited Liz along. Liz and Zeke loaded up the senior van with Ralph, Melanie and Billy Rosenberg. Lee and I took the Bentley.

  The coastal highway stretched out in front us. We didn’t really see anything of the Washington coastline. We dropped straight down to Portland, then crossed over to Pacific City and Highway 101. Lee was right. Central Washington and Central Oregon were hot and relatively flat. The mountainous areas were far more appealing. The first thing I was thankful for was the cool ocean breeze. The second thankful moment was the sight of the most beautiful ocean I had ever seen.

  I am convinced the sun lives on the Pacific Ocean. It seems to squat there all day long, lighting up the water with liquid fire. It doesn’t seem to do as much up and down as it does shifting around. The sun is a cameraman examining every lighting angle for best viewpoint. It parades its luscious energy in bright golden parcels that dance dizzily on the ocean waves.

  As we traveled downward and the afternoon crept into evening, the ocean grew darker. The moon rose, sending moonlit lanterns bobbing over the waves and crashing into giant cliffs that splintered into rocky shelves surrounded by ivory surf. And I understood something. This day was special. Every day I spent with Lee doing the unplanned, the unorthodox and the spontaneous, was special. It wasn’t about planning the perfect date or going to the perfect place. It was all right here in the things we loved doing together.