Beyond the Quiet

by Brenda Hill

  Shanna said nothing, but she visibly stiffened and put Kyle on the floor.

  “We’ll need vegetables,” she finally said, taking out a package of corn cobblets from the fridge.

  Feeling the tension, I knew we had to talk.

  After dinner, I urged Shanna to rest, so I cleaned up the kitchen and put Kyle to bed. The family room opened off the kitchen, and Shanna and Leif sat together on the sofa, his arm around her. I made some coffee for Leif and me, tea for Shanna, and told her I wanted to talk.

  Leif clicked the mute button. “Shall I give the two of you some privacy?”

  “This involves all of us as a family, so please stay.”

  Shanna’s sat up. “I don’t want to talk, Mother. We’re getting along just fine. Let’s not spoil it.”

  “Don’t look so glum. I just want to tell both of you my plans.” I got out some shortbread with almond cookies I’d found in the cupboards, poured the drinks, and spooned ice cream into dishes. When everything was ready, I carried it all to the coffee table and sat down across from them.

  “Thank you both for today. It’s been wonderful, and I intend on visiting as often as I can. And you know I’ll be here for the birth.”

  Shanna said nothing, but she took a sip of her tea.

  “I won’t go into your father’s and my marriage, Shanna, except to say you must have known I wasn’t happy—”

  “I didn’t know any such thing,” she said. “All I knew was that you were so prim and proper to Daddy and me. And now I find out you have a boyfriend.” She shook her head.

  “Shanna, I never looked at another man the entire time I was married to your father, and I certainly never imagined I’d meet someone else. I don’t know why these things happen, but Terry and I fell in love, and he showed me what it was like to truly love someone—and to be loved.”

  “Dad loved you,” she said.

  “Shanna,” Leif began, “maybe you ought to give your mother—”

  “But Dad did everything,” she said to Leif, her voice rising. “He was warm and loving.” She turned to me. “I just don’t understand why you say you were unhappy.”

  “I’m sure your mother had her reasons,” Leif said, and I could’ve kissed him. But I needed to make my daughter understand without doing further damage to the image she had of her father.

  “As Kyle gets older,” I began, hoping I would say the right thing, “you’ll discover that sometimes parents have problems with each other that the children do not see. That’s a good thing because children aren’t supposed to know. And I doubt you’ll have the kind of problems your father and I had. But I made a lot of mistakes—with you and in my marriage. Instead of facing the problems and working them out, I thought that if I kept everything perfect, I could make them go away. I was wrong, and all I can do is try to go forward from here.”

  “Okay,” Shanna said. “I can understand that, but now, after selling the condo, why won’t you move here? It’s because of him, isn’t it?”

  “Honey, his name is Terry O’Neal.” I’d told them a little about him in the letter, but didn’t tell them about his illness. When they met him, I wanted them to accept—or reject him, if it happened—on what they thought of him as a man rather than feel pity because of his illness. “He’s willing to move here when I feel ready—”

  “So it is you!” Shanna interrupted again. “How can you say you want to be with us when there’s nothing keeping you in California?”

  I sighed, almost ready to give up trying to explain. But if I left before we resolved the issues, I doubt I’d ever have another chance with her. Above all, I had to remember that behind it all, my daughter was still feeling rejected.

  “Honey, what I want isn’t the issue. It’s all about finances. If you’ll remember from the letter, I received very little from Mac’s insurance, and I lost all my equity in the condo. There’s nothing left in savings, and I had to pay a large sum of money to Stan and Maggie. I still want to move here, but I need the chance to save a little and build some savings before starting all over in a new state.“

  “But we’ve offered—” Shanna began, and Leif, bless his heart, interrupted her.

  “I know you want your mother here,” he said, taking her hand, “and I do too. But I understand how she feels about her independence, and frankly, I respect her for her decision.”

  Shanna stared at him, then finally, her entire body sagged. She turned to me. “But you still plan to move here?”

  “Yes, sweetheart, just as soon as I can,” I told her, wanting to jump and shout with joy. My daughter may not be happy about my decision, but at least she was willing to accept it. She was accepting me.

  * * *

  The next day, she and I, along with Kyle in a rented stroller, wandered the Mall of America, resting often so Shanna wouldn’t get overly tired. What a treat to browse through Nordstrom’s with piano music from the baby grand playing in the background. I felt so elegant. While I couldn’t afford their merchandise, I loved wandering the aisles. Shanna and I tried on lipsticks and jewelry and had a wonderful time. We lunched at the mall’s food court overlooking the amusement park, and then, because the carousel music called to me, I had to get closer. We took Kyle for a ride but I think I enjoyed it more than either of them. I loved the miniature park, the lights twinkling in the trees, the roar of the roller coaster passing by, the delicious aromas of pop corn mixing with the food court above. It was like a fairy tale world where nothing bad ever happened.

  Then Shanna brought up her half-brother.

  We were in my room at the hotel that night, and Shanna had been giving me the look that told me she had something on her mind.

  “What is it, honey?”

  “You know I talked to Uncle Stan and Aunt Maggie. When I asked about my half-brother, they told me all about him and they said his mother wants you to talk to him about Dad. Will you?”

  I didn’t want this conversation, didn’t want to even think about Jenna or Marsh right now. This time was for my daughter.

  But Marsh was her brother, and if I wanted a new start with her, I had to give her an answer, an honest one.

  “I don’t know, honey. I can’t see it happening right now, but life is funny. Who would have thought things would’ve happened as they have?”

  She shook her head. “It’s all so unbelievable.” She was silent a moment. “I’m going to have to meet him one day.”

  “Perhaps your aunt and uncle can arrange that for you.”

  “Mom, I know you’re angry at Uncle Stan and Aunt Maggie, and I really can’t blame you, but try to see it from their side. It was hard for them to keep the secret. They may have made a mistake, but they love you.”

  For a moment, I felt as though I were listening to Terry. But after their betrayal, how could I feel any other way? If I were wrong, then I’d just have to be wrong. At least for now.

  “I understand, sweetheart, but I can’t do that. At least not now.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Terry met me at the Ontario airport, and as soon as I saw him, I flew into his arms. He lifted me straight up, kissing me until we heard snickers around us.

  “I’m home,” I said, touching my cheek to his. “Finally, I’m home.”

  On the freeway, we headed east to his apartment in Redlands. It was ten at night and the freeway traffic had thinned. After the stale air on the plane, it felt great to open the car windows to the eighty-degree night and let the warm air blow on my face and through my hair.

  Although I had called Terry each night to tell him about the day, I explained again that Shanna and I had finally reached a new understanding, at least one without so much animosity. We still had a long way to go, but after this visit, I felt we were learning. Perhaps she was right that I’d never completely change, but I was trying and felt proud of what the trip had accomplished. At least, if nothing else, I felt she now knew how much I loved her.

  “I enjoyed the trip,” I told Terry, “but I’m glad to
be home.”

  Looking at his strong, capable hands on the wheel, I realized even more how fortunate I was to have found him. Who could have imagined, that after twenty-five years of marriage, I’d finally fall in love.

  He merged to the exit lane in Redlands. “I finished up at the condo. You no longer live there.”

  No longer live there, four words that summed up my life. I couldn’t speak for a moment. Then, “Thanks for everything you’ve done. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it. I’ll get some rest, then go do a little cleaning. And tomorrow—”

  “It’s all being done as we speak,” he told me, his grin reminding me of a little boy who held a surprise behind his back. “And, I made arrangements with some friends to have it painted tomorrow. It’ll be all nice and fresh for Ben’s aunt. Bet she’ll like that.”

  I was so touched, and grateful, that tears came. “Oh, honey, that’s wonderful!”

  “I figured no matter how your visit with Shanna went, you’d be tired. I wanted you to come home and relax. You’ve had a lot going on.”

  I’d never felt so loved, so considered and nurtured. He was everything I’d longed for all my life, and I reached for his hand, holding it for a moment, then it wasn’t enough. I drew it to my cheek in a soft caress, adoring him with my eyes.

  “Oh, honey,” he said, his voice raspy, “I can’t drive when you look at me like that. Just wait till I get you home.”

  My entire body flooded with desire and I couldn’t wait to get home. But I suddenly thought of something to make my homecoming special.

  “Stop at the grocery store,” I said, fighting a smile. “I’ll just run in and get something we need.”

  ***

  As soon as Terry closed the front door, I wrapped my arms around him as if I were desperate for his touch. I tasted his lips, his tongue, and unbuttoned his shirt and dribbled kisses on his earlobe, down his neck and chest. His erection pressed against my belly.

  “Oh, honey,” he said, his voice husky, his fingers working the buttons on my blouse. “I’m not going to be able to wait.”

  Dropping clothes, we made a trail to the bedroom. When we hit the bed, we didn’t waste time with anything except the joy of lovemaking, and when he slid into me, I cried out in pleasure. His release came swiftly and mine followed.

  He lay on top of me, his weight plastered against my body. When he slid to my side, I wrapped my arms and legs around him to pull him back.

  “Aren’t I too heavy?” he asked, settling back on top of me. He laid his head on my chest, just under my chin.

  “I love your bare skin against mine,” I told him, running my hands down his back, kissing his neck just under his ear. I pushed my breasts to his chest. “I love how my nipples feel when they’re pressed against your skin, but most of all, I love how you feel on my thighs.” I closed my eyes, reveling in all the delicious sensations running through my body.

  “Your thighs?” Terry repeated, his voice teasing. “That’s a new one.”

  “You wouldn’t believe how incredibly erotic you feel to me, even lying calmly with your bare skin next to mine.”

  “Oh yes, I would.” His penis stirred and he raised himself on his elbows and kissed me.

  “Let’s continue this in the shower,” I suggested, giving him a quick kiss. “I feel grimy after the long flight.”

  “I don’t care how grimy you are, you feel wonderful.”

  “Come on.” I scooted out from under him and he let me go. Just as I reached the edge of the bed, he lunged and grabbed me, pulling me back on the bed, making those growling sounds I loved.

  “Animal,” I said, wrestling to get away. I scrambled to the edge of the bed and he grabbed my ankle, gently pulling me back.

  “Damn right.” He stood on his knees and, holding me down, blew raspberries on my stomach. I giggled and scrambled to get away. I made it to my feet, standing in the middle of the bed.

  “Want a ride?” he asked, scooting to the edge of the bed.

  “Are you serious?”

  “Climb on,” he said.

  Good God, I would never have believed it, but I climbed on, my pubic hairs mashing against his back, and wrapped my arms around his neck. When he stood, I shrieked like Kyle had done on the carousel. Terry trotted around the room, dipping and rising just like a carousel horse and slowly made his way to the bathroom, and I was squealing and laughing like I hadn’t done since I was a small child.

  Perhaps not even then.

  In the shower, we washed each other and made soap circles around body parts and rinsed them off. We dried each other, then ran for the bed where I climbed on top of Terry, playfully nuzzling first his top lip and then the lower. I sucked his tongue.

  “I’ll be right back,” I told him. A few moments later, I straddled Terry and reached into the sack.

  “What do you have in there?” he asked, folding his hands beneath his head.

  “Oh, I was a little hungry and thought we’d have a snack.” I pulled out the spray can of cheddar cheese.

  “Did you get some crackers?”

  “We don’t need crackers,” I said, spraying cheese around his right nipple. He laughed, then I leaned down and delicately nibbled, then licked the rest off. He quit laughing and wrapped his arms around me. I shrugged out of them. “I’m not through,” I told him. Then I sprayed his other nipple and did the same thing.

  Growing very quiet, he watched me. When I had licked every drop from his left nipple, I sprayed a string down the middle of his chest, and, taking my time, licked off every drop, savoring the mixture of the salty flavor with the cheese.

  “Delicious,” I said. His erection stood high, but I ignored it. For now. “You hungry?” I asked.

  “Ravenous.”

  Slowly, sensuously, I sprayed the cheese around my left nipple, then leaned down to his mouth. He greedily licked and sucked, and when he pulled my nipple into his mouth, the sensation went right to my genitals. As much as I wanted to climb onto his penis, I wasn’t ready for this to end.

  “Now for the other one,” I said, sitting up. I was so aroused that I could barely speak, but I sprayed the cheese and leaned down to his mouth. When he nibbled and licked, I could barely keep still. Squirming on his chest, I rubbed my crotch against his erection.

  Holding onto me, he sat up and rolled me onto my back and picked up the can. He sprayed down my chest, then into my navel. By the time he licked the cheese out of my navel, my body throbbed with need. He kept licking, taking his time, working lower on my tummy, and I opened my legs, brazenly inviting him to continue.

  He parted me with his fingers. As if he’d never tasted me, he slowly brushed my swollen clit with his tongue, gently stroking, teasing.

  “Oh, please....”

  Kneading my fingers in his hair, I pulled him closer. He drew my clitoris into his warm mouth and sucked, gently at first, then harder until my entire being centered on the aching need building with each flick of his tongue. And then he slipped a finger inside me and stroked. I lost control and made sounds as he increased the suction and his finger moved faster and faster, bringing me to such frenzied need that I gasped air. When I climaxed, the sensations seemed to come from so deep inside that the release went on and on until I was left feeling boneless.

  With a smug grin, Terry stretched out alongside of me. He held me while I recovered.

  “I could almost come just listening to you,” he said.

  “Lucky for you, I have something different in mind.” I reached for the other can.

  “Whipped cream?” he asked.

  “Any objections?”

  He grinned. “Not me. This should be interesting.”

  “I hope it’s more than interesting.” Pushing him on to his back, I straddled him once again, scooted down between his legs, and spread them wide apart.

  “You can watch if you’d like, or lie back and relax while I play.” I sprayed his testicles, and when I had a nice layer, I began to lick them. I’d attend to
his penis later.

  “Ummm, good,” I murmured, not stopping. I took my time, caressing with my fingers and hands after I’d licked every speck of skin free of cream. Terry began to moan. Totally unconcerned, I continued. After I’d spent a great amount of time on each testicle, I sprayed the shaft of his erect penis, up to the little ridge on the head. Then I started licking the sides as if it were a giant popsicle or ice cream cone. Terry clutched the sheet with both hands. A sheen of sweat covered his body, and still, I licked. Then, like he’d demonstrated before, I placed my hand at the bottom of his shaft while I worked my way to the head. I no longer used the whipped cream; instead, I licked the area just below the head all the way around, gently nipping with my teeth, then sucking and licking. When I moved to the head, I licked slowly, gliding my tongue over the silky skin, then I broke contact. He made a sound of agony. I bent to stroke the head again with my tongue, this time licking faster, then breaking contact in a teasing manner. I kept doing that until Terry started begging, just as I had done. Then I mercifully took the head into my mouth, licking and sucking while pumping with my hand. Terry squirmed and thrust and made sounds I’d never heard, and when he came, he shot into my mouth, filling me with his cum.

  This time I swallowed.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Terry’s apartment was a one-bedroom box on the top floor of a five-story building, but for me that little box was closer to heaven than any place I’d ever been. We loved and we played, and I felt a glorious freedom I’d never imagined. We strolled the downtown street fair, bought fresh fruit from local vendors and listened to the live band. On Tuesday and Friday evenings we attended concerts at the Redlands Bowl and sat under the stars at the outdoor amphitheater.

  The days drifted into summer, and the temperatures climbed into the triple digits, scorching the hills, turning them a barren brown. When I’d drag home, exhausted by the heat, Terry would turn up the air conditioner and fix a light supper, perhaps some fruit and salad. Other evenings we’d head for one of the local casino buffets, where I’d blow my allotted five dollars on the slots.