Give Me Something I Can Feel

by B. Love

  “I won’t.”

  “Promise me,” he shook his head and lowered it. “That doesn’t really mean anything. Shit happens. But it would damn sure make me feel at ease to hear you say it.”

  A small smile lifted my mouth as I raised up slightly and kissed him.

  “I promise, Knight. I’m not leaving you.”

  He removed himself from inside of me and sat on the edge of his bed. I found myself wanting to still be attached to him in some way, so I rubbed his back until he stood and went into his bathroom. He came out after starting the water in his tub and discarding of the condom, then went out of his bedroom. When he returned it was with a bottle of bubble bath.

  “Don’t tell Harlem I used any of this.”

  I sat up in the bed and smiled as I shook my head.

  He came for me.

  Knight lifted me out of the bed and carried me into his bathroom.

  “You need to soak so you won’t be too sore. Now that I’ve had you I need you regularly.”

  “How regularly?” I asked as he placed me inside of the water.

  “Daily. At least once a day. I’d prefer to have you to start and end my day.”

  Knight leaned against the wall, giving me the perfect view of his smooth chestnut skin.

  “Get in with me.”

  He wasted no time getting behind me and pulling me into his chest.

  “Charlie?”

  “Yes?”

  “Are we still playing basketball tonight?”

  We spent half the night playing basketball. Charlie wasn’t bad at all. Not bad at all. Surprised the hell out of me honestly. I wasn’t expecting her to have any real talent at it. I thought she was going to spend most of her time trying to distract me and grab up on me like most women did when they tried to play with me, but she actually had a little game. That only made me like her even more.

  Around four this morning we finally called it a night. We showered together and crashed. Charlie woke me up with breakfast in bed, then I put her back to sleep with this dick. I convinced her to spend the rest of the week with me, so I dropped her off to freshen up and pack a bag while I stopped by my pops house.

  Charlie and I were in a damn good space today, but everything that she shared with me last night had been replaying in my mind. She was a virgin. She gave me her virginity. She gave me the essence of her womanhood. That made me want to keep her even more.

  As sweet and loving as she is, to know that a man had scarred in a way that could have been more permanent than her physical scar really fucked with me. I couldn’t understand how anyone could want to do anything but love and take care of Charlie’s ass, but I was kind of glad that he did hurt her. Hurting her made her shut down and remain perfectly preserved for me. And you better believe I planned on showering her with all of the love she could stand from this point forward.

  Even with that desire, I couldn’t shake the fear of losing her. Of her dying on me. With me. I planned on doing some serious research on heart transplants. I needed to actually see or even meet someone that was living well over their 10 year estimated life span. Until I was able to do that, I did what I knew how to do best – prepare for loss.

  That’s what led me to stopping by my father’s house. Yea, he was back to being my pops too. We hadn’t spoken since I asked about Harlem, but now I needed advice and he was the perfect person to give it to me.

  I knocked instead of using my key again. As far as I was concerned, this was no longer my home. It stopped being that when my mama died. He opened the door and sighed deeply when he saw me. Like he knew I was about to be on some shit.

  “I didn’t come here to cause any trouble,” I let him know quickly. He nodded and leaned against the doorframe – crossing his arms and ankles. “Did you love my mother?”

  He chuckled and shook his head as he looked towards the sky.

  “Of course I loved your mother. Loved her so much losing her destroyed me. I loved her too much. Couldn’t even function after she was gone.”

  “I don’t want to be like you. When I… if I ever lost the woman I love with all of me… I don’t want to handle it like you. Tell me what I need to do to not be like you.”

  His head dropped as he ran his hand over the top of it. He stepped to the side and opened the door wider.

  “Come in, son.”

  I walked into the home I grew up in, the home I learned how to love and hate in, and this overwhelming heaviness covered me. It wasn’t until I was faced with losing Charlie, a woman I had just met, that I began to understand my father’s position. That I began to have my mind opened to how losing my mother could’ve changed him. And even with that realization, I still understood that I wouldn’t be able to even remotely understand how it felt to lose the woman you saw forever with.

  The woman you spent 30 years with. Had kids with. Built a life with. Only to have to see her face in her children every day.

  I felt guilt, but not the guilt that I’d been feeling over the years because of not being here for my mother. I felt guilty about how I’d been treating my father. I fell to my knees before him and begged for his forgiveness – knowing when I got up I’d be stronger. Wiser. A better man. Knowing that besides God and my future wife, he’d be the only man I’d ever bow to.

  His arms wrapped around me as he kissed the top of my head.

  “It’s OK,” he assured me as he lifted me to my feet. “I knew this day would come. It’s OK.”

  We hugged. Hard. And I cried. For him. For my mother. For my sisters. For Charlie. Cried for her before I even lost her because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to if I did. After I gathered myself and he did the same we walked into the living room and sat down.

  “You met a woman,” he said more than asked.

  “What makes you say that?”

  “That’s the only thing that would make you come here and feel my pain the way you did. Love is the only thing that makes you feel that kind of pain.”

  I smiled as I sat back in my seat and thought of Charlie. I met more than just a woman. I met my heart. And I’d be willing to give her mine so she could stay here and raise our kids if the time and need ever arose.

  “Yea. I met a woman.”

  “You plan on marrying her?”

  “It’s still early. We’re not even committed to each other.”

  “You plan on marrying her?”

  Who was I kidding? I knew the minute I laid eyes on Charlie that I wanted her. And I knew within seconds of talking to her that she’d be mine. And when she revealed herself to me I knew she was the one.

  “Yea. If she’ll have me.”

  “Don’t take her for granted,” his eyes shifted to the picture of him and my mother hanging on the wall. “Value every day that you have her and make sure that she knows via your words and actions just how much you love and cherish her. Don’t take advantage of her. Be loyal and faithful. Be the man I raised you to be. Provide for her. Protect her. Give your life for your family if necessary.

  Cultivate her and make her better. If she should leave this world before you do…” he inhaled deeply as his jaw clenched. His head hung briefly as he licked his lips. “Understand that she would want what was best for you and your family with her. She’d want you to let her go. She’d want you to live for the both of you. Not in anger. Not in guilt. Not in pain. But in love.”

  His head shook as he looked inside of his empty hands.

  “You can’t love her with all of your heart. You’ve got to love her with your soul. Love her with your spirit. Your heart is the seat of your emotions. Emotions… feelings… they change. They waver. They’re inconsistent. Your soul is how you connect with humans. It’s your morality. It’s who you are. At the very core of your being.

  Your spirit is how you connect with God. Love her with your soul by connecting with her mentally. By being the man she needs to lead her. Love her with your spirit by growing closer to God and leading her to him.

  Above all… keep in mind
every day of your life that every day of your life is not guaranteed. Every day is a gift. A present. Make the most out of every day that you have with her. Don’t worry about losing her. Don’t worry about materialistic things or things that don’t matter. Things that hold no true weight in your life. Make memories.

  Make memories. Don’t exist and allow life to pass either of you by. Live. Explore all that life has to offer you together so that when the day comes… because it will come… and one of you leaves… the other will have enough memories to hold them over until you meet again.”

  He stood and went somewhere, giving me a lot to think over in his absence. When he returned he handed me the box that held my mother’s wedding ring.

  “Don’t allow fear to rob you of her. Don’t waste time. When you get to the point of not being able to live without her… don’t.”

  Knight and I made love. We fucked. He kissed my scar. Ran his fingers up and down it every chance he got. Kissed me every chance he got.

  Knight and I made love.

  After waiting 29 years I gave myself to a man. Finally. And I don’t regret it at all.

  When it was time for me to leave this morning he asked me to stay for the rest of the week and I wasted no time agreeing! I had no idea what he had planned for us, but I would’ve been fine just sitting in the middle of his bed staring at him and letting him stare at me.

  On my way back to his place I had to stop by a client’s house for a pamper session – mani and pedi along with a slight massage. I loved the pamper sessions because they relaxed the moms and gave them time to focus on themselves for a change.

  As I grabbed my kit I received a call from Harlem. Since it was the middle of the day and her ass was supposed to be in class I started to worry immediately. I dropped the kit back on the backseat and answered her call.

  “Hey, sweetheart. What’s wrong?”

  “Hey, Charlie. Nothing. What you doing?”

  Leaning against my car, I looked at the phone and smiled.

  “Harlem, aren’t you at school?”

  “Yea, but I’m on lunch. Um… I was calling to see what the name of that show was that you mentioned? I wanna watch it with Princess when we get out of school.”

  She had to either be talking about Longmire or Sneaky Pete. I remembered telling her about how I hadn’t had hardly any time to watch any of my favorite shows when we first met and I was still working at Bundle. The day we started putting the baby’s stuff up we ended up watching SpongeBob and Alvin and the Chipmunks the entire time.

  Those are two of my favorites too. They’re relaxing and funny. Don’t judge me.

  “You mean Longmire or Sneaky Pete?”

  “Yea, yea. Those. Which one did we watch that one episode of last week when you stopped by the house?”

  “That was Longmire.”

  “OK cool. Soooo how was the auction? I told Knight to send me a picture of you but he forgot.”

  Just at the mentioning of last night and his name I started pining for him. I squeezed my legs together as I pulled at my hair – wishing his hand was in the place of mine.

  “It was so much fun, Harlem. So much fun. I’ll send you a couple of pictures when we get off the phone.”

  “Knight won the auction, right? I know he did. I know my boo came through.”

  “He told you about that?”

  “Yep. He was nervous as hell. Talking about he refused to let another man claim you. I helped him find something to wear.”

  I grabbed my kit and used my hip to close the door with a smile.

  “Well, you did a great job because he looked amazing last night, and yes… he won.”

  Not just the auction but me. My eyes. My attention. My body. My heart. My soul. My all. Not because of the money. It wasn’t like the million was coming to me. But because of what that million represented. It forced me to see him. See his desire for me. There was no way I could ignore how either of us felt from that point forward.

  “Yaaaassss I have to call him and get all the details! I’ll talk to you later, sis.”

  She abruptly ended the call before I could even say goodbye. I was laughing so hard at her thinking Knight was going to share the details of last night with her that I didn’t realize she’d call me sis until I was at Mya’s door putting my phone up to ring the doorbell.

  Listen, I couldn’t have made it back to Knight any faster no matter how hard I tried. It felt like… there was no other place I’d rather be than with him. That was all I could think about when I was with Mya. Getting back to Knight. I rushed back to his place as quickly as I could.

  It wasn’t until I got there that I figured I should ask if he was hungry. I called him as soon as I pulled into his driveway and asked if he had anything in there for me to cook. He told me that wouldn’t be necessary as he opened his front door and came outside.

  I heard the phone beep from him disconnecting the call, but I still held it to my ear as I watched him. He licked his lips and put his phone in the pocket of his shorts with his right hand as he ran his left hand over the top of his head.

  I know this is going to sound so corny, but as he walked towards my car it was like everything around us faded away. Like his movements were in slow motion. His eyebrows lifted as he locked eyes with me and smiled, and I was still just sitting there in the car with my phone to my ear.

  Knight opened my door with a chuckle. He took my phone and put it in the same pocket he put his in, then grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the car. His hands cupped my cheeks and he used them to pull me into his chest. Onto his lips. I gripped the sides of his shirt as our tongues connected.

  My nipples hardened instantly as he swirled his tongue around mine slowly. The thought of how it felt against my clit last night and this morning had my pussy throbbing as I bit down on my lip. His hand moved from my cheek to my jaw. Knight squeezed until I released my bottom lip and returned to kissing his.

  With no care or concern to being outside in the middle of the day, I tossed my arms around his neck and pulled us to my car to get more comfortable.

  He groaned and lowered his hands – allowing them to roam my body freely. They were in my hair. Around my neck. Squeezing my breasts. Gripping my thighs. Lifting my thighs. Wrapping them around his waist. Cupping my pussy. But when he did that and brushed my scar my back arched against him as my entire body shuddered.

  I wiggled until I was back on the ground with space between us.

  “You are not about to make me cum in front of your neighbors,” I reprimanded breathlessly as I ran my fingers through my hair and pulled it out of my face.

  “I missed you.”

  Knight grabbed my shirt and returned me to his chest.

  “I missed you too. I couldn’t wait to finish with my client so I could get back here to you.”

  “That sounds good, Charlie. Getting back here to me.”

  I smiled and turned to grab my bag out of the backseat, but he stopped me and got it himself.

  “Thank you.”

  I got my purse and locked my car before following him into his home.

  “Ima take your bag up to my room. You wanna change into something more comfortable?”

  I looked down at the button down shirt I had on and up at him. His shirt would’ve been the most comfortable thing I could’ve worn. Knight made me bold. He made me feel sexy. He made me confident. He made me feel comfortable in my own skin. I smiled and lowered my head as I started to unbutton my shirt and follow him into his room.

  He walked in first, and when I walked in and saw that his bed was covered with pizza and snacks I gasped. Longmire was paused on his TV. Why was I about to cry? Why was I as emotional about something so simple and thoughtful as I was for something so extreme and grand like what he did at the auction? My hands went from the last button on my shirt to my face and I covered it to hide the tears that threatened to fall.

  This was why Harlem called me. For him.

  Knight undid the last button on my s
hirt and pulled it down. I had to drop my hands in order for him to get the shirt off completely, so I inhaled deeply and let my hands down. The second I did our eyes locked. He continued to remove my shirt and bra as his eyes remained on mine.

  “I wanted you to be surprised so I had Harlem to call and ask. Figured we could just chill today since you didn’t have much to do for your clients. Unless you wanna go out tonight…”

  My chest smacked into his as I hugged him tightly. Unsatisfied with our lack of closeness, I continued to push myself into him… just… trying to get closer. Knight chuckled as he wrapped my legs around him and held me just as tight. He kissed my neck and let out a soft sigh.

  “You smell so good, Charlie. I hope you brought whatever the hell this scent is with you.”

  “Knight…” I lifted my head from his shoulder and looked from his eyes to his lips as I caressed his scruffy beard. “You can’t do stuff like this.”

  I inhaled deeply as my lips trembled. Fighting terribly hard not to cry. Not to be that girl. The one who hadn’t had this kind of love and care from a man besides family, so she didn’t know how to act when she got it.

  “Why not?”

  He lifted my head with his finger under my chin. I hadn’t even realized I’d lowered it.

  “It’s gonna make me fall in love with you.”

  “You don’t want to? I wanna fall in love with you.”

  “You do?”

  “I do. I am falling in love with you.”

  “You are?”

  “I am.”

  “Oh. OK. That’s perfect cause… I’m falling in love with you too.”

  He smiled but it didn’t last long. It was replaced with him licking his lips and placing me against the wall. Longmire could wait for just a little while longer. I needed him inside of me… and the way he tugged at my jeans let me know he wanted to be inside of me just as badly.

  By the time we’d finished watching the fifth season of Longmire and first of Sneaky Pete it was well into the next morning, but neither of us was in a rush to go to sleep. For me, we’d spent so much time running away from each other that now that I had her I didn’t want to waste any time. Not even sleeping. Either she felt the same way or was used to staying up late and was just going with the flow.