Give Me Something I Can Feel

by B. Love

  She didn’t want any of us to know, just daddy, but because I was there when she first saw Charlie I knew what was going on. She didn’t want us to think that she was choosing to die or giving up or nothing like that.

  She said that she was trusting God and His plan for her life. And that if His plan was for her to die and give Charlie the chance to live… she found peace in that. That’s why it seemed like she’d given up at the end. It wasn’t because she didn’t want to live anymore; it’s just that she’d made up in her mind and heart to trust God and let things happen organically. His way.”

  I hung up the phone and got back on the road. Carmen called back repeatedly, but I ignored her calls. There was only one person I wanted to talk to about this – Charlie.

  Harlem and I were in the middle of a SpongeBob marathon when Knight burst into the door and stormed over to us. She was used to this side of him apparently because she hardly flinched. I on the other hand had never seen him this mad. And the fact that his eyes were focused on me had me twice as worried.

  With his eyes still locked on me, he said, “Go to your room, sweetheart.”

  “Go to my room?”

  His eyes shifted and he looked at her briefly before returning them to me.

  “Now.”

  Harlem stood and left us alone, and I was kind of sad that she did. I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but whatever it was must have been serious to warrant this kind of reaction from him.

  Knight’s hands went over his mouth as if he was praying, then he ran them down his face as he exhaled loudly.

  “I’m going to stay as calm as I possibly can,” he assured me, but the coldness in his voice had chills covering my skin. “And I’m only going to ask you this once, so don’t lie or play with me, Charlie.”

  OK.

  Now I’m scared.

  “Did you know?”

  “Did I know what?”

  “That you have my mother’s heart.”

  I sat back in my seat. The weight of his words literally knocked the wind out of me. How did he know? Who told him? Why didn’t I tell him?

  “Knight…”

  “Don’t. Did you know?”

  My head lowered as water filled my eyes. I inhaled deeply as my shoulders caved. I nodded slowly and closed my eyes – trying to prepare for his wrath. When it didn’t come I looked up at him. He was looking at the picture he had of her on his wall.

  “Knight…”

  “Get out.”

  “What? Knight…”

  I tried to grab his hand, but he jerked it away from me.

  “Don’t fucking touch me. You need to go, Charlie. Now.”

  Standing, I stumbled over my words nervously.

  “Knight… just… if you would let… I didn’t know… I mean… I know now, but I… didn’t… I didn’t know then.”

  “Go, Charlie. I swear to God the only thing keeping me from telling you how I really feel is the fact that I love your deceitful ass, but that’s about to not mean shit if you don’t get out of my face.”

  “Deceitful? How am I deceitful? I didn’t know, Knight! I just found out from my doctor right after the auction. After we came back from Vegas I met with him and he told me. I promise I didn’t know.”

  “But you’ve known for a good two months and didn’t think that was something I needed to know?”

  There was no way for me to justify keeping this from him, so I didn’t try to.

  “You need to leave, Charlie.”

  “But I promised you that I would never leave you.”

  Dammit.

  The tears were falling.

  “I don’t care about that anymore. You think I care about that now? Now that I know that you’re the reason I lost the only woman that…” he put some space between us and inhaled deeply as his fists opened and closed. “She’s dead because of you. She died so you could live.”

  “That’s not true. Why would you say that? I… I waited. I waited until she was gone. It wasn’t like I made her give it to me. Like she was killed so I could have it. It just… happened. They said she was sick.”

  My mind and everything else around me started spinning. How could he blame me for his mother’s death?

  “I don’t want to hear that shit. Your parents guilted her into not going through with her dialysis trying to save you. Trying to secure a heart for you. Had she not met you she wouldn’t have turned the dialysis down. She probably could’ve lived a little longer. But she saw you and just…”

  “You know what? I don’t have to stand here and take this. I didn’t know then that she was your mother. I didn’t know, Knight. I didn’t know. And I promise you… if there was a way for me to give her her heart back I would. If there was a way for me to fix this for you I would. But I can’t. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m sorry she chose me. I’m sorry you chose me. I’m sorry she gave me her heart. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when I found out. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to lose you. But I guess that doesn’t matter anymore now.”

  I grabbed my phone and purse off the couch and headed for the door.

  “Charlie, wait.”

  Thinking he was coming to his senses, I stopped and wiped my tears as I waited for him to make his way to me. When I felt his body heat I turned to face him. Knight snatched the infinity necklace he’d given me from around my neck and I clutched at my heart immediately.

  “There is no forever for us, so you don’t need this.”

  My eyes went over his head at Harlem on the bottom stair with tears falling from her eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” I said to her as I ignored his statement.

  I couldn’t acknowledge it. I couldn’t acknowledge that we were over. Cause I would break. I would fucking break. The closer I got to the front door the heavier my heart felt. I heard Harlem in the background yelling for him to go after me, but I didn’t want him to. I knew of his pain. His anger. His guilt. His love for his mother.

  I never wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to give him love. And peace. And happiness. Not this. Not a reminder of the thing he valued most and lost. Not death.

  I didn’t want him to come after me. And quite frankly, I didn’t want Angela’s heart anymore. She wasn’t mine anymore. She was his. And now… I wasn’t.

  “You’re lucky I’m pregnant, otherwise I’d beat your ass!” Harlem yelled as she smacked the back of my head.

  It didn’t register. Nothing was. Nothing could hurt me more than the thought of the woman I love keeping this from me. I knew I didn’t think rationally when I was angry, that’s why I told her to leave. But she just had to stay. She just had to stay and try to make me understand.

  I walked out to my car with Harlem still going off behind me. Charlie said she didn’t know, and I wanted to believe her. I wanted to believe that this was… some miracle. Some twisted miracle. That somehow my mother had given me one final gift… the best gift she could’ve ever given me. Charlie.

  I tried to tell myself that without my mother’s heart Charlie might’ve died and I wouldn’t have had either of them, but that wasn’t making me feel better at this point.

  I needed to talk to my father.

  I needed him to make this make sense.

  “You better be going to apologize!”

  “Take your ass back in the house. Walking around out here with no shoes on,” I grumbled while getting in my car.

  She stood there with her arms crossed over her chest until I backed out of the driveway.

  The entire ride to my pops house Charlie’s face kept popping into my brain. Her tears. The fearful look in her eyes. The way it looked like she literally stopped breathing when I took the necklace from her.

  I didn’t mean to do that shit. I mean… I meant to do it, but I didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t mean to break up with her. I didn’t mean to yell at her. She should’ve just left and given me time to process this shit like I asked.

  But that was Charlie. Staying like she said
she always would.

  After cutting my car off I called her and she sent me to voicemail. I called again and she sent me to voicemail.

  As I got out of the car I shot her a text.

  I’m sorry. Let me apologize.

  Normally I’d knock and let pops let me in, but I didn’t have time to wait today. I used my key and let myself inside.

  “Pops!”

  “In the kitchen.”

  I found him in the kitchen sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and his newspaper like it wasn’t the middle of the day.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? You knew Charlie when you saw her. That’s why you looked at her the way you did. Why didn’t you tell me she had mama’s heart?”

  He folded the newspaper, placed it on the table, and took a sip of his coffee before he answered.

  “Because I knew you’d break up with her, and that that would be the biggest mistake of your life.”

  I ran my hand over my head as he motioned for me to sit in the seat across from him.

  “Explain everything. Start from the beginning.”

  He went on to give me the expanded version of what Carmen told me earlier. That my mother did see Charlie while Charlie was in her hospital bed, and immediately felt something for her. A pull towards her. She spoke with Charlie’s doctor and found out that her heart was failing her. That she’d spent years in and out of the emergency room because of heart complications.

  How she’d gone through all possible treatments with her heart specialist, and all she could do was wait for a heart.

  He said that my mother immediately had the desire to give Charlie her heart, and when he tried to talk her out of it she just straight up refused. She convinced him that her heart wouldn’t be of any use for her when she was gone, and that eventually she was going to die anyway.

  She reached out to Charlie’s parents and spoke with them about Charlie on numerous occasions. Charlie didn’t know about anything that was going on because they weren’t sure how long my mother had and they didn’t want to get her hopes up. As much as they wanted a heart for her, they pleaded with my mother to do the dialysis, but she didn’t.

  She told them and my father that she’d prayed and knew that her kidneys failing wouldn’t be the reason she died. She was filled with such peace and happiness at the thought of giving Charlie her heart that she didn’t care what happened to her up until that point.

  As she said, her kidneys failing weren’t the reason she died. The dialysis may have made her last days more pleasant, but it wasn’t necessary. It wouldn’t have stopped her from having a stroke. It wouldn’t have stopped her from laying in the bathroom so long without medical attention that she was brain dead by the time my father found her.

  And what made it even more of something that was meant to be was the fact that Charlie died at the same time my mother did, but because of my mother’s heart… Charlie lived.

  She lived.

  And she was here with me.

  And not only was she here with me, but my mother was too. Too. Also. Along with Charlie. Too fit perfectly here. Perfectly.

  Because of her heart.

  Charlie had my mother’s heart inside of her.

  It wasn’t a bad thing.

  It was a good thing.

  It was a miracle.

  It was how she made sure that even after she was gone that she’d still be here with us.

  If I haven’t ruined my chance of having Charlie. Of having them both.

  “Thanks for telling me,” I mumbled as I stood – feeling like total and complete shit.

  I shouldn’t have rushed home to confront her. I should’ve come here first or waited until I cooled down.

  “No problem, son. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I should have told you when I saw her, but I didn’t want you to react irrationally. I was hoping that you’d grow to love her enough to overlook the fact that we kept this from you. That you wouldn’t punish her or yourself because of the decision your mother made.”

  I nodded as I made my way out of the kitchen.

  Too late for that.

  I couldn’t go to my apartment. It would be empty and make me want to be at my real home. My home with Knight and Harlem. So I busied myself checking on my clients until the sun went down. Trying not to think about Knight. About Harlem. About Angela.

  He called me a few times. Sent a few text messages. He even sent me three emails. I didn’t respond to any of it. Yes, I knew he was lashing out in anger, but that didn’t stop the hurt. That didn’t keep me from crying every time one of my clients asked me how I was doing. Every time I went to the bathroom. Every time I was in my car alone.

  By the time I pulled up to my apartment I thought I’d be all cried out by now, but the sight of Knight sitting on my doorstep had tears puddling up in my eyes. Not wanting to be further yelled at for something that was out of my control, I started my car up again. As I reversed he stood and jogged over to my car.

  I tried to pull out. I wanted to pull out. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave him. I promised I’d never leave him. With that draining revelation I pulled back into my parking space and cut my car off. Before I could even get my seatbelt off good Knight was opening the door and pulling me out of it.

  “I’m so sorry,” he apologized as he pulled me into his chest.

  I couldn’t hug him back right away. Still hurt too much. But I did apologize for my part in this.

  “I’m sorry for not telling you as soon as I found out.”

  “You’re not gonna hug me back?”

  That made the tears fall.

  “You hurt my feelings, Knight.”

  “I know, babe, and I’m so sorry. I was just angry and I know that’s not a good excuse, but when I get mad I can’t think straight,” he released me only to look into my eyes. “I love you, Charlie. I don’t want to lose you.”

  “But you said…”

  “Forget what I said. Forget it all. All that matters to me is that I have you. It fucked with me at first I’m not going to lie, but the calmer I got the more I was able to think clearly,” his palms went to my cheeks as he stared into my eyes. “You having my mother’s heart is a blessing.”

  I tried to hang my head but he lifted it.

  “Not only do I have you… this amazing, beautiful, sweet, loving woman… but I have my mama too. In you. You’re loving me with her heart, Charlie. I haven’t been able to let any other woman in because my heart has been reserved for you. No one else could complement me the way you do. I don’t know if she knew that you were the one for me, or if God put her up to this because He knew that we’d get to this point eventually… but I’m happy, Charlie. I’m happy that you have her heart. It wouldn’t… this wouldn’t… we wouldn’t be the same if you had anyone else’s. I’m not saying that having her heart is what made me love you… but you having her heart… just solidifies that you’re the one for me.”

  Taking his hands into mine, I used them to pull him closer to me.

  “When you first told me about your heart condition I went to my pops and asked him how he handled losing my mama. I asked him how to prepare to lose you. I don’t ever want to lose you, Charlie. God chose you. My mother chose you. I chose you. I choose you. I don’t want anything to pull you from me but death, and I’m hoping I die first in like 80 years.”

  I smiled for the first time in hours as the heaviness that was in my heart when I left him earlier started to fade away.

  “He told me a lot that day, but the thing that sticks out the most right now was that when I realized I couldn’t live without you… not to.”

  Knight released my hand and pulled a box out of his pocket. He took a small step back before getting down on one knee.

  “Knight…”

  “I can’t. I can’t live without you. I don’t want to live without you. I need you, Charlie. You make me feel. I need to feel. I love you so much and I’m so sorry for making you doubt that earlier,” he opened the box and I swear
my knees buckled when he pulled that ring out. “I want you, Charlie. For life. Will you marry me?”

  It crossed my mind to make him sweat. To tease him a little. Take a long time to answer or not answer at all. But as I looked down into those eyes… those beautiful deep, dark, inquisitive eyes… I felt like this had always been the question. This had always been the question behind his eyes. The question of if I would ever leave him. If I would always be here. And there was no way I could deny him of that any longer.

  “You know I will. Yes,” my lips trembled as I fought my tears but fuck it.

  I let them fall anyway.

  Knight slid the ring onto my finger, and to my surprise, it was the perfect fit. He stood and pulled me into him but kept from kissing me.

  “I have something else that belongs to you,” he said as he reached into his pocket again.

  I looked down as his hand came out of his pocket clutching my forever with him. My necklace. Turning, I allowed him to put the necklace on me. I grabbed it and ran my fingers across it as I turned to face him. His lips were on mine at the same time that he pulled me into his arms. And as usual… it was in his chest that I found peace.

  “I love you,” he whispered into my lips before kissing me again.

  “I love you. Let’s go home.”

  Harlem

  This day didn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Seven months after what could have split them up forever, Knight and Charlie were getting married. What did surprise me, however, was the little baby growing inside of Charlie’s stomach. It was crazy how Hayden, who was only two months old, would be older than their child! Every time I think about that I smile.

  Charlie was the most gorgeous bride I’d ever seen. Her soft chiffon off the shoulder wedding dress displayed her baby bump beautifully. She was glowing and her light had everyone around her smiling.