Just Enough Light

by AJ Quinn

  “My father called,” Annie began softly.

  Kellen’s back tensed, the only indication she gave that she was listening.

  “You were right about Cody’s mother. She never named a father on the girl’s birth certificate, and there was no evidence to be found to indicate who her father might have been. Her mother was a groupie and ran away from home at sixteen to follow different bands around the country. That’s where her addiction began. But it also means Cody’s father could be any musician from any number of different bands.”

  The moment stretched, long and thin to the point of breaking, but Kellen gave no further indication she was listening. Dana felt Annie look her way and sent her a slight nod.

  “Ren’s situation is not quite as clear,” Annie said as she continued. “Her mother died about two years after she ran away. The circumstances were considered suspicious at the time and there was speculation Ren’s father might have had something to do with it. But the authorities could never make a case.”

  “Where is her father now?” Kellen asked.

  “In jail—has been for the past eleven months—convicted of drug trafficking, assault, and kidnapping. He’s a mean bastard, but being in jail precludes him from being directly responsible for the killings. It’s always possible he hired someone else to do it, but it’s considered unlikely. If it was Ren’s father behind all of this—a hired hit—there would have been no reason to kill people outside our group. That brings us to your parents.”

  Ordinarily, Kellen could keep her expression blank. If Dana had learned anything about her, it was that her years on the street had taught Kellen to reveal nothing. It meant she could keep her eyes cool, her breathing steady.

  But beneath the skin, it was a different story. She had never mastered indifference. She’d never learned to stop feeling. Never learned to stop hurting. Or to stop bleeding. It was part of what made her who she was, a complex woman doing her best to move beyond her past and live a life that would give her meaning. And as she finally turned around to face Dana and Annie, her eyes were awash with pain and her face was an emotional wasteland.

  “My father’s people have been able to ascertain your parents can’t be held directly responsible. They were both at showings in different parts of the country at the time at least two of the killings happened. But as with Ren’s father, it doesn’t preclude your parents from hiring someone to carry out their wishes. They can certainly afford it.”

  Kellen closed her eyes. “To what end? My father beat and raped me. My mother’s reaction on discovering what he’d done was to take me to a city I’d never been before and simply discard me. She never even looked back. They never came after me, never tried to look for me or find me.”

  Dana hated the heartbreaking pain in her voice. “We can’t tell you why, Kellen. There’s no possible answer that would begin to make sense of what your father did. What both your parents did.”

  “I know that,” Kellen said, her voice dead quiet. “I stopped looking for logic years ago and I guess it doesn’t really matter. He wanted me. I’d seen it in his eyes too many times when I’d been forced to pose for him and his friends. But it doesn’t explain a need to find me now, after all these years. Or eliminate me, let alone kill those other people.”

  “You’re right, but what you need to know is that eighteen months ago, a small law firm in Connecticut contacted your parents. It seems your paternal grandmother left you a small trust that kicked in on your thirtieth birthday.”

  “A trust fund?”

  Annie nodded. “It was for two-and-a-half million dollars. You need to understand, it’s not about the money. According to my father, your parents are quite wealthy in their own right. But the trust fund started people asking questions about a daughter who disappeared—ran away from home, according to the story—shortly after she turned twelve. And the law firm advised your parents that they’d hired a private investigator to try to find you.”

  If possible, Kellen paled even more. “Jesus. They’ve been looking for me for eighteen months?”

  “Kellen, it’ll be all right. I promise. Yes, it’s possible your parents will try to find you before the lawyer’s investigator does. They’re not going to want you telling people what happened to you. What your father did. But it won’t just be your word,” Annie said. “My father’s lawyers have filed to get copies of the medical records from when you were hospitalized in Chicago.”

  Dana’s concern increased as she watched Kellen’s eyes shadow. “Kellen, you need to see you’re not alone this time. We’re here for you and we won’t let anything happen to you. Please believe me.”

  Kellen slowly shook her head as if she was trying to clear it and struggled to take a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I need to get some air. And I have to talk to the girls. Would you mind if we finished this later?”

  *

  Kellen thought of the deep sympathy she was certain she’d seen in both Annie’s and Dana’s expressions. Sympathy and what looked to be a heartfelt wish to share her pain and take it away.

  She wrestled with conflicting emotions. And then she began to run. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. With good reason. Every time she thought she was distancing herself from her past, she felt it clawing back at her. Only this time, the instinct that had enabled her to survive on the street was back in full force. Telling her to run.

  She stopped only once on her way to her cabin. Just long enough to speak to Cody and Ren and issue terse instructions. She then ran the rest of the way, struggling to breathe against the rising panic in her chest.

  It took her less than five minutes. She grabbed a couple of sleeping bags and pillows, made a thermos of coffee, and grabbed a bag of food and a bowl for Bogart. Turning in a slow circle, she looked at everything she’d gathered to make the cabin a home. She closed her eyes briefly, aware of a pain deep in her chest as she committed the images to memory. Then she walked to the front closet, took down her backpack, and walked out the door.

  Cody and Ren stared at her wide-eyed, but they didn’t say anything as they helped her pack what little they were taking into the Jeep. Quietly, they got into the backseat, leaving the front passenger seat for Bogart. Kellen could see tears in their eyes. But neither one said anything as she put the Jeep in gear and drove away.

  They would need to talk. They would need to have a chosen family meeting and make decisions. But she was too emotionally vulnerable right now. She would first need to put some distance between them and the one place people would eventually look for her. The place that had been her home for the last ten years.

  After some time on the road, she reached for the radio, scanned until some music filled the Jeep. It would help on what would be a long and tiresome drive. And much better than the twenty-four-hour talk show where people called in to rant about politics and life in general. With care, she reached for the thermos and started to pour herself some coffee, barely taking her eyes off the road. Murmured thanks when Ren took the thermos from her and finished filling her travel mug.

  She drove with her left hand, sipping coffee and listening to the radio until her eyes burned and her throat ached from holding back the scream that wanted release. But she kept her eyes on the road—both ahead and behind them—and drove long into the evening.

  *

  Dana stared at the Mickey Mouse clock on the wall in Annie’s office, slowly counting off the minutes since Kellen had left the room to get some air. It was taking too long and she couldn’t shake the feeling things were about to get worse. Much worse.

  “Kellen made that clock for me,” Annie said. “She and Cody put it together as a project and then Ren painted it. They gave it to me for my fortieth birthday. Something about Mickey making the passage of time seem like fun.”

  “Somehow, that sounds like something the three of them would do.” Dana tried to laugh but couldn’t get the sound past the knot that had formed in her throat.

  She was worried about Kellen. She was worried about how sh
e was coping and hated seeing the situation tear her apart. She also hated not being able to do anything to help.

  The longer she thought about it, the more she felt her heart rate accelerate. And then, just as her anxiety threatened to bubble over, she realized the truth. “Oh God, Annie. I think she’s going to run.”

  “Please, no. Don’t say that. Don’t even think it.” Annie jumped to her feet. “She wouldn’t. She promised my father—”

  In a heartbeat, heedless of the cold and the fresh snow that had started to fall, Dana and Annie ran out of the office building, not bothering to even grab coats, as they headed for Kellen’s cabin.

  The first ominous sign was the lack of life at the cabin Cody and Ren shared. By then, Dana could already see that Kellen’s Jeep was missing from its usual spot beside the last cabin. But nothing was clearer than the instant she stepped into the cabin and looked around.

  It was neat the way Kellen liked it to be. But there was no sign of life. The coffeemaker sat empty, waiting to be used, and Bogart wasn’t there to greet her. As she turned, she saw the front closet door had been left partially open, and she saw the backpack was no longer in its familiar place on the top shelf.

  With a sinking heart, she knew what it meant.

  Kellen was gone.

  *

  It was nearly midnight before Kellen next pulled off the highway. After getting gas and letting Bogart run a bit, she noticed the coffee shop was still open, a bright oasis in the endless darkness. She mulled it over, then woke the girls up and pointed. “Fresh brew?”

  Five minutes later, a tired woman, two sleepy girls, and a dog were seated near the door, drinking bad coffee and contemplating the vagaries of life on the road once again. A life Kellen had believed she’d left behind. Not only for herself, but for Cody and Ren and Bogart.

  She’d made them all a home. And now it seemed she was deciding for all of them. Deciding they needed to leave the sanctuary they’d found in Haven. Determining they needed to run.

  That was not how it was supposed to work in chosen families.

  She caught Ren looking at her and tried to smile.

  “Kel, could we have a chosen family meeting?”

  She looked at Ren, heard the jagged ache in her voice, and saw a pain in her eyes she wanted to chase away. She turned to Cody and saw her nod in agreement. “Of course. Now?”

  Both girls nodded. “We know what you said,” Ren began. “That Cody would be safe no matter what—”

  “But Ren’s not going anywhere without me,” Cody interrupted. “We love each other. We’re a team. And we, the three of us, we’re supposed to be a family. A chosen family. We’re supposed to make decisions like a family.”

  “So why aren’t we doing that this time?” Ren asked plaintively. “And if we have to run, why aren’t we taking Doc D? She should be here with us. With you. Instead, she’s back at the cabin alone. She’ll be sad knowing we’ve all gone.”

  When had these two young women grown up, Kellen wondered. Sometimes it seemed like it was only days ago that she’d picked them up in Seattle. Painfully thin, hungry, brutalized by life on the streets and barely communicating. And now look at them. Confident. Speaking up. And painfully right. Damn, it was no wonder she loved them.

  “You’re right,” she acknowledged after a long moment. “I’ve handled this all wrong and I’m sorry.”

  “It’s all right,” Ren said. “You got scared when they said your birth father was looking for you. I know how that feels. But we can still fix this, can’t we? We can still decide like a family?”

  Kellen nodded as she closed her eyes. “Of course we can.”

  “I vote to go back to Haven with the two of you,” Cody said. “We made a family there. We worked, we helped find people who were lost or hurt, and we had friends there. It was the first and only real home I’ve ever had and I don’t want to lose it.”

  “Same goes for me,” Ren added when it was her turn to speak. “I know I’ll still be scared there, at least for a little while. Until Annie’s dad and the police catch the person who hurt you last year. And stop your birth father—and mine—from getting anywhere near us. But there are people in Haven who can help us. People like Doc D, and Annie and her dad. And the people on the team like Gabe and Sam and Tim and Jake. And Bogart. In fact, I was thinking maybe we could get another puppy so we can start training her, and Bogart can have a friend.”

  As her words stopped, the silence poured in, and for an endless moment, all Kellen could hear was the sound of her own breathing. All she could feel was the wild pounding of her heart in her chest. She knew she didn’t want to run again. Didn’t want to live in a state that muted every color. She wanted to feel, and see, and taste life. She wanted a chance—

  “I guess we’re going back to Haven.” She opened her eyes and stared at the two girls who meant so much to her. Reaching into her pocket, she took out enough money to cover their three coffees plus a good tip for the tired-looking waitress. She then stood up and shrugged into her jacket, watching while the girls did the same. “A puppy?”

  Chapter Eighteen

  After Annie left, Dana wandered aimlessly around the cabin, lost in thought. She stared in awe at a number of carvings Kellen had finished, saw other works still in progress. Felt much the same as she looked upon some paintings that were clearly Ren’s work. Evidence of incredible talent in two lives abandoned suddenly and unexpectedly.

  It didn’t seem right.

  But then nothing seemed right. The hours that had elapsed since Kellen had taken off dragged by and still she was unable to do anything but watch the clock and wonder how far from Haven Kellen and the girls had gotten.

  Were they safe? Would they drive through the night? Would Kellen prefer the illusory safety of darkness and take her chances with the winding mountain roads?

  The thought frightened her. She knew between Ren’s nightmares and Kellen’s own, it had been too long since Kellen had gotten a decent night’s sleep. She’d been visibly exhausted for the last week even as she gamely responded to callouts. And she was certainly in no condition to be driving all night, let alone making life-altering decisions.

  Making decisions that don’t include you, isn’t that what you mean?

  For a moment, Dana was pulled back to the life she’d left behind in Boston, a life where all decisions were made for her. It had been inconceivable that she would refuse to follow the path her father had laid out for her, starting with Harvard medical and ultimately taking a place at his side in his practice.

  The expectation had always been that she would mirror her parents’ values, opinions, and wishes. And for a long time, Dana had allowed herself to be shaped and molded into the perfect child her parents had wanted. She had excelled in her studies, and if there had been moments when she’d longed for something more, she’d suppressed them.

  And felt smothered by it all.

  Her first true act of rebellion had led her to New York. But while her time there challenged her professionally and sharpened her medical skills, it had left no time for anything else. And if anything, it confirmed what she’d long known. That she wanted a life for herself quite different from that of her parents.

  She wanted a life that, yes, included a career that was satisfying and fulfilling. But she also wanted a life that included laughter and friendships and love. Much like the life she’d started to build in Haven. Before Kellen made the decision to run.

  Annie had looked at her with compassion-filled eyes and hadn’t wanted to leave her. But Dana had told her she’d be fine. She wanted to be alone, to think about what had happened. She knew one thing for certain. I’m going to wait for her. What else could she do? Because if nothing else, she was convinced Kellen would be back.

  Maybe she needed to believe it, but it was the only answer that made sense. Kellen had poured her heart and soul into Alpine Search and Rescue and into making a home for the girls. Once she had a chance to distance herself from the fear brought
about by knowing her father was looking for her and a stranger was trying to kill her, she would come back to the one place—the only place—she felt safe. Haven.

  Releasing a sigh, Dana found a pair of Kellen’s pajama bottoms and a T-shirt, changed into them, and lit a fire before laying on Kellen’s king-sized bed. It was a bed they’d shared often lately, but as she pulled the duvet over her body, it brought no warmth. Only a penetrating chill as a trace of Kellen’s scent wafted in the air.

  Epiphanies, it seemed, could happen at any time.

  Nothing had prepared her. Nothing could have. Everything in Dana went painfully still as memories slashed through her. She tried to move. Couldn’t. Tried to breathe. Couldn’t. She glanced at the clock, saw the hour pushing deep into the night, and closed her eyes as her emotions threatened to overtake her. Leaving her struggling with the bittersweetness of the moment, Kellen’s name burning in her throat.

  Oh my God, I’m in love with her.

  She was—there could be no denying it. She was deeply in love. The kind of love that inspired poets. That inspired thoughts of forever.

  And she was terrified to her core.

  She knew now the first bolt of lightning had hit her while sitting on the side of a mountain road with a flat tire. Just as she knew she and Kellen belonged together. There was no question in her mind that Kellen was right for her. She just didn’t know if she was right for Kellen.

  That fear left her vulnerable. Exposed and raw. Certain she’d just opened herself up to the potential for a lifetime of near-debilitating pain. Because when all was said and done, there was one question she couldn’t answer.

  What if she didn’t come back?

  Closing her eyes again, absorbing Kellen’s scent, she replayed the sound of Kellen’s voice, over and over again, as she whispered words to her while making love. Words that made her heart pound wildly, her breath catch in her throat, and need course through her body. She groaned and a shiver worked its way through her when she remembered the heat of Kellen’s mouth, the taste of her.