Heart of the Resonant: Book 1: Pulse (Resonant Series)

by B. C. Handler

  She made a whining noise in her throat before setting herself on the sofa. “…I’m just… embarrassed.” She took off her hat and set it on the table, then started running her fingers through her hair. “I was going to tell her. How did she know?” she fretted.

  I pulled myself from the wall and sat next to her. I leaned forward and set my elbows on my knees, sucking in a deep breath. Suppose it’s time to be honest.

  “She… saw us, the morning after,” I admitted.

  Neepa stared at me owlishly, and then averted her gaze the other way. “Oh.”

  “I should’ve told you. But… Sorry.”

  “N-no, it’s fine, it’s just… I was hoping to ease into the discussion.” She sighed, seeming to deflate, and then leaned her body against mine. “I don’t have to think about how to tell her now.”

  I chuckled. “Sorry I embarrass you.”

  Neepa nuzzled in closer and took my hand with both of hers. “Y-you don’t.”

  I could almost feel the heat of her face though my shirt. I smiled to myself and played with Neepa’s fingers as we sat in content silence. But then, Eva’s words echoed in my mind. ”Coward.” Why did she get so upset?

  “Neepa?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Why is Eva so mad? Something flipped within her when I declined. What’s her deal?”

  Neepa sighed and ran her fingers along my palm. “She hates the Null. She hates them more than anything. Her only purpose in life is to fight, kill, and protect the people. That’s all she lives for, and, to an extent, so do I.

  “I don’t hold a burning coal in my heart like she does, but I want to do everything I can to protect the innocent from suffering fates worse than death, but Eva…” Neepa’s hand tightened around mine. “Annihilating them is everything to her. The devotion she holds to winning the war scares me, like she wants nothing more than to fight until it costs her life.”

  “Why is she so fixated on it?”

  Neepa gave a dismissive shrug. “It’s not my place to say, Al. Sorry. But know that she, like many, has lost her home and family to the Null. Some adjust and move on. Others don’t.”

  Things came together, I was able to understand why Eva’s been so agitated the last week and a half. She wants to go out and sate her revenge, but she’s stuck babysitting me. Seeing me reject something that potentially promises the salvation of others must’ve pushed her over. In her eyes, with her sense of duty, her loss, I must look like an absolute yellow-bellied son of a bitch.

  At the same time, this isn’t my war. I don’t understand any of the hocus-pocus nonsense, and I don’t ever see myself fighting any more monsters. Circumstance drove my actions; I’m not brave, just a man scared for his life and too damn stubborn to die quietly.

  I grabbed that flag and dived to Neepa’s aid because I wanted to help her. But when I got tangled with the Caster, I didn’t even spare her a second thought. Not even the people who I helped escape. Not even my parents. Only one thing mattered at that moment: kill him before he kills me.

  Would a hero think like that? Would a hero suffer from nightmares like a kid who can’t handle the horror movie he watched?

  “Are you okay?” Neepa asked, pressing a hand to my forehead. “You look pale.”

  I gently pulled her hand down. “It’s nothing. Just…We should look for Eva, right?”

  “She’s an adult. She’ll remember her way back and come once she’s cooled down. Eva does this fairly often.” Neepa leaned in and took a closer look at my face. “I have some medicine if you’re not feeling well.” Her brows dropped slightly. “Or is it something else?”

  I threw my gaze the other way. “Just tired, just really tired.” I looked at the other bedroom door. “I’m just going to lie down for a bit, okay?”

  A worried look still marred her face, but she didn’t press. “Okay.”

  I took the bedroom next to the bathroom because I figured it was smaller than the other; better to leave the girls with extra space. The interior was just as lavish as the main room. There was a poster bed, a wardrobe in the corner, and a desk by the window with a chair, which was bathed in sunlight from the waning day.

  The sun looked past its apex in the sky, making it around mid-afternoon. I think.

  My satchel slid off my shoulder and slapped the floor, followed by my cloak, then I kicked off my boots before falling face first into the plush mattress. The bed I’ve been sleeping on was comfortable, but this one was truly luxury, like sleeping on top of a sheep that produced silk instead of wool.

  I took a deep breath of fresh linens and exhaled slowly. As soon as my skin touched the blankets, my eyes suddenly felt heavy, like the rest of my body. The encounter with the Grand Mage sucked what little energy I had left and I felt myself slipping.

  I blinked once, twice, and then I was out.

  ✽✽✽

  There was darkness and a low, gravelly growl before I awoke with a sudden start. The heavy pounding in my chest and cold sweat was the aftermath of another nightmare, the only remnants of being the growl, everything else lost to my waking mind, thankfully.

  The sunlight bathed the wall to my bedside in an orange tinge. The sun had maybe an hour before dipping past the horizon.

  Falling asleep and waking so suddenly after a blink was discombobulating. I didn’t notice that I hadn’t awakened in the same position I fell asleep. I was on my side, my head propped up.

  Neepa sat on the edge of the bed with my head on her lap, her fingers tickling my scalp as she stroked my hair.

  “How long was I out?”

  “A few hours,” she answered softly.

  “Eva?”

  “She came back. We talked and cleaned up the mess, and then we ate. She’s sleeping now. I was sure to leave some food and wine for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  We didn’t say anything more. I remained where I was and Neepa continued to stroke my hair. However, the silence didn’t last very long, and, to my dismay, she said, “You can talk to me about them. The nightmares.”

  I looked away and towards the window. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “You were balled up and pinning with tears when I came to wake you.”

  There was nothing I could say to argue. My eyes clamped shut, a silent sigh escaping my lips, feeling utterly pitiful.

  “You knew?” I peeked up at her from the corner of my eye.

  Her hand moved to my cheek and she ran a tender finger along it. “Of course. I’ve known since the fourth day. Given what you’ve been through, it was natural. But they’ve been getting worse. It depresses me to see you struggle.”

  “I…” Words failed. Then I realized there was nothing to say. There was the plausibility of allergies and muscle spasms at night, but not only was that idiotic, it was dishonest.

  “I really am a coward,” I crooned with a sardonic smile.

  Neepa gently turned my head until I was looking up at her.

  “Al,” she said firmly. “You fought against outlandish creatures for complete strangers and continued to fight even when fate was depicting a grim end for you. All my hope was whisked away as soon as the Caster had me, but you fought until you were the last one standing. You had no armor, no true weapons, and knew nothing of magic. I’ve never witnessed such a brave display before.”

  Neepa brushed her hand along my forehead and held me in her loving eyes, but a hint of woe straining her delicate features.

  “It’s okay to be afraid. We’re all haunted or afraid of something. Some are capable of pushing it from their minds as if it never happened. Others deceive themselves or spin their experiences into light-hearted tales.” She pressed her lips into a thin line. “And some have ways of… coping. But no one should ever let their fear overtake them.”

  “And what makes you so sure? What if I just ran into something without thinking? Bravery and foolishness are the same thing.”

  Neepa looked bemused, then let out a single soft chuckle. “I’ve seen peopl
e do brave and foolish things, but you? No. It may very well be foolish to charge into a battle against something stronger than you, yet it’s very brave when you compromise your own safety for the sake of another, what you did for me. Doing something you know is foolish for the sake of another is the purest form of bravery.”

  I lifted my head from her lap and sat up, keeping my gaze fixed to the ground.

  “I’m just a lucky fool. So many times things could've gone wrong; I move this way a few inches instead, or tripped over there.” The sinking feeling in my stomach returned. “But… you, me, Eva, and Iason may still live for my foolish display, but everyone else, the others I tried so hard to protect—” My throat grew tight as the last words came out shaky. “They all died.”

  “Yet we’re still here.”

  Neepa’s arms wrapped around my shoulders to calm the shuddering running through me. She held me close and started rocking with me.

  “It feels so painful to live when everyone else is dead; it feels like a sin just for breathing,” she said softly. “Yet here we are. Life is a beautiful and sacred thing, even if it hurts at times.”

  Neepa ceased rocking and gazed out at the golden sky with a faraway expression. She pulled away and set her hands on her lap, her fingers tugging and pulling at the white nightgown she slipped into at some point.

  “Al,” she started, staring at her hands. “I told you that my people did something bad, and I thank you for not pressing me for more. But… I should.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I need to tell you.”

  The last words came from her in a quivering voice, a vulnerable voice. As she sat next to me, she continued to clutch at her gown until it looked as though she were going to tear it. Something was warring within Neepa, so I sat for her, patiently letting her find her voice.

  “I was born on a world called Mornesse, one of the allied worlds that’ve been fighting for as long as history remembers. My people, my family, was called Anemone. We were the ruling family of Mornesse, the capital city that gave the world its name. It was nothing like Scintillion. The land wasn’t cultivated to fit out needs, we cultivated our needs around the land, building where nature would allow, moving with the landscape instead of against it.”

  Neepa sighed wistfully, her gentle eyes seeing something I couldn’t.

  “It was beautiful. Trees and flowers grew freely and abundantly, bathing our streets in vibrant colors and lovely scents. Springtime was breathtaking when the winterfelm would shed their pedals from the previous year so the new ones could blossom. White pedals danced from their branches and brought us a second winter without the frigid cold. It was a quiet, peaceful, and loving place. Until it was lost.”

  Neepa stared ahead, expressionless, her throat desperately trying to swallow a heavy lump.

  “The Anemone family fought for generations. They provided powerful mages and soldiers, but they also produced teachers, doctors, farmers, and other bright minds skilled in various trades. But no matter how much they strived to fight against the Null or make efforts to aid the common folk, things only seemed to grow direr as the war waged on.

  “The commanding heads from the last generation were worried for the day the Null would usher the downfall of everything they've built. Desperation and fear drove them to investigate a means of salvation.” She hunched forward until her hair hid her face in a black veil. “A bargain.”

  Neepa went silent for a few seconds. Then she sucked in a shuddering breath.

  “It’s okay,” I told her gently. “You don’t have to tell me if it’s painful.” My hand worked its way into hers, my thumb rubbing the back of her hand. She clung to my hand as if a wayward wind would blow her away.

  “There have been sympathizers,” she continued, shakily. “Sympathizers who see the Null as the one and only truth. Our beliefs are not universally accepted across the worlds. Our beliefs are thought to be wrong, the One being nothing more than a malevolent force. A foolish conjecture around here, but if spun the right way, told the right way, then such foolish thoughts could be seen as divine creed. And my family were the ones who twisted and divulged such nefarious beliefs because they were scared and foolish.

  “The last commanding heads, my grandfather, uncle, aunt, and father…” She fell short and whimpered, her compose fraying before me like a taut rope. “T-they sought to make a deal with sentient forces of the Null, offering our world as a stepping stone so the inhabitants may continue to live. And that’s just what they did.

  “My mother, she knew too late that the commanding heads planned on opening a gate for the Null. She, and whoever capable, attempted to fight and thwart their plan, but it was too late. Once the door was open, our world was doomed. And yet,” Neepa choked on her words. “And yet she stayed. She embraced me one last time before handing me off to an evacuation party. Never saw her again. Most of my people received thier salvation. The gift of being turned into unholy monsters."

  She shook her head, sniffling as tears flowed.

  "Lies. All of it. And for what? A campaign ensued for months, thousands died. And at the end of it all was a world lost, millions dead or corrupted, and more worlds would fall because of my family opening the gate for them.”

  Neepa finally broke down and buried her face in her hands, sobbing violently. Seeing her in such a state cut me deep. I held her while she cried into my chest for all she’s worth.

  Realization struck; all the nasty looks, all the isolation, all the people who treat her as a ghost, and all those who openly disdain her, they do so because that’s all they can do. The Anemone name was the cause of such devastation which ultimately lead to their own downfall, leaving only Neepa to take all that hate. Such a fickle thing to do, but if there’s nothing one can do, or no one left to blame, they take it out on the next best thing: a child that happens to share the blood of the ones who caused great grief.

  I couldn’t even begin to fathom how her childhood must’ve been like, how lonely she felt. No wonder she lives so far away.

  “Neepa, I-I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” she sniffled. “You had no hand in it, and it’s been ages. Olea was a distant family friend who took me in as soon as she heard and helped pick up the pieces. But it wasn’t easy. Every day was painful, the chasm in my heart grew and grew until I felt hollow.” Neepa hid her face and clutched my shirt tightly, her body shuddering. “A day came where I didn’t feel that way anymore.”

  “Oh, Neepa,” I whispered solemnly.

  “I made a poison from concentrated whispering eaves—a common flower in the forest. If it weren’t for Olea and Eva, I wouldn’t be here. But when Olea died, all I could do was drown my sorrows away until everything went numb. But you know what kept me from throwing everything away?”

  “What was that?”

  Neepa pulled her face from my chest and wrapped her arms around my neck, pressing her forehead into mine. With her eyes closed for the utmost focus, she whispered, “We have no choice for when it’s time to come or when it’s time to go, we are here now. You can curse your life and suffer, or you can be grateful and live on. But remember, it is impossible to suffer without making others pay for it.”

  The words danced off her tongue with the same conviction as a preacher reading from sacred text. The same sentiment Eva shared at the cliff. Olea must’ve been a very wise woman.

  “It’s hard,” Neepa continued. “And it’ll continue to be hard, but I’ll carry on and fight against Null. I may falter, I may break down, and the hate of others may sting, but I’ll always carry on. As should you, Al. Your life is yours to live, I will not think ill of any choices you make. But don’t make those choices out of a place of fear. Otherwise, you may do something you’ll regret.”

  Neepa fell silent and rested her head back on my chest. And I was grateful to have her so close. She and I shared the same pain, and the joy of not feeling utterly alone almost brought me to tears.

  The golden light from the window began to fade as the sun
slipped past the horizon, letting a comfortable darkness settle in the room.

  I planted a kiss on top of her head. “Thank you, Neepa. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.”

  “No, thank you, Al. For saving me and for giving me this.” She implied the hug by squeezing her arms a little tighter.

  I fell back into the plush mattress, bringing Neepa with me, getting a surprised giggle from her. She nuzzled closer and let out a content sigh.

  “Neepa? There was actually something I wanted to ask.”

  “Hmm?”

  “How did you know the nightmares started specifically on the fourth day?”

  I felt her body grow rigid in my arms at those words.

  “O-oh, j-just intuition,” she said with a brittle smile.

  “What happened to all that honesty?” I leaned in and saw a wild pink blush wash into her cheeks before she looked away. “Neepa?”

  She made a stifled whining sound before she swung her legs over me. With her fingers clutching at my shirt, Neepa let out a steamy, trembling breath.

  “I wanted to… again… with you,” she admitted bashfully, but her eyes glimmered ardently. “I waited until Eva went to sleep, then—”

  “Snuck into my room?” I finished for her.

  A stammer leapt from her throat. “Y-yes.” The burn in her cheeks practically glowed in the low light.

  My gaze swept up and down her body. Neepa’s well-endowed chest heaved with long, deep breaths, her nipples poking prominently through her sheer nightgown, and her eyes were ablaze with a desire. The sight of her alone excites me greatly, but having her on top caused all my blood to pump to a particular area in a rush. Neepa took notice of it immediately.

  At first, her eyes widened with surprise. Then, as if to confirm it, she gently shifted her hips atop of the bulge in my pants. A soft gasp escaped her mouth before she bit her bottom lip, and then began rocking her hips to and fro in a slow, largo-esque rhythm.

  Neepa still managed to surprise me. The bashful and innocent witch impression I made from our first encounter shattered and was replaced by a gorgeous woman who was not only bold enough to mount me, but dry hump all on her own accord.